From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 8 07:36:38 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA09943; Fri, 8 May 1998 07:36:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 07:36:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805081236.HAA09943@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1016 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1016 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1016 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 07:36:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1016 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1011 92 votes msr96 9Ez71 69tAc 7fAnb mpqf4 9nsq6 7couj 5ftte myje3 beopi 1011 2.9 mean 2.4 2.5 3.4 3.2 2.5 3.0 3.5 3.3 2.4 3.3 --- 1016-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest, most wondrous Oracle, please enlighten your supplicant: > > Why is it that we Australians seem so desperate for the rest of the > world to take notice of us? Where does this bizarre national > inferiority complex come from? ("Cultural cringe", we call it). It's a > perfectly damn fine place to live (best in the world of course)! > (if you know David Letterman, could you ask him to broadcast a couple > of shows from Melbourne?) > DAMN! there it goes again! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the maps. Not only is Austrailia relegated to the lower left } corner in most standard orientation world maps, the eyes tend to hover } over a part of southeastern asia on the way which still causes more } than a bit of discomfort for many northwest hemispherians. The } corporate citizenry isn't being of much help; judging from merkin } commercials and other popular sources of information, the entire } continent consists of: } } 1. A big dusty place where Paul Hogan drives Subarus } 2. A tree harboring a Koala bear with a dislike of air transport } 3. Dumb guys salivating after standoffish statuesque women with an } utterly inexplicable penchant for second-rate steaks and batter } dipped onions } 4. A giant can of Fosters } 5. Three dozen kangaroos } 6. A 2 m. tall tazmanian devil } 7. The Sydney Opera House } 8. Giant barbequed prawns } 9. Three aboriginies } 10. Thirty-seven marginally talented and overmarketed rock bands } 11. Actresses and models who all look like the product of some } Aryan eugenics program } 12. Great white shark infested coral reefs } } Number 4 is particularly odd, given that all the Foster's currently } available in the states is perpetrated in Canada. } I suggest you do nothing to change any of this. If perchance you ever } _do_ manage to attract the attention of the dominant culture, you } probably won't be able to get away with showing up for work for a total } of six hours from November thru January, as is the custom now. Be glad } of what you've got. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why your government insists on } shooting and poisoning its cockatiels rather than exporting them. Now } _that_'s cringeworthy. --- 1016-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, clouds flee when you pass, swamps gurgle away and reveal > fertile silt! Oracle, you have gazed under the tops of mountains > and seen what makes those pointed peaks! > > What lesson is it a training bra is supposed to impart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Young supplicant, you have asked a question that warms my heart. } } While the simple answer is they impart the noble virtues of perkiness } and cleavage, there is a more subtle and sinister lesson learned in } this training. } } Training bras invoke in the wearer a certain surety that one is defined } by her sexuality, and that one must fit "the mold" of her society's } aesthetics. This lesson will remain in one's subconscious throughout } her life, forever tainting her choices and goals. } } But then again, who are we to complain? ;) } } You owe the Oracle some training pants. Oops! --- 1016-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is vulva ? is it a good track? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Swedish, it is a feminine noun refering to a variety of domestically } manufactured car. } You owe the Oracle a tract on autoeroticism. --- 1016-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who could have a life if he wanted, but doesn't > because he's got Lisa and so doesn't need one. > > What am I doing at home on a Friday night asking you trivial questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Same thing I'm doing on Saturday night answering them. } } You owe the Oracle a life... oh, wait, you don't have one either. --- 1016-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the gargantuan gut of the huge man shook once more as he again } called out, "WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCK!WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!". } } The burping, moonshine swillin', incestuous crowd stirred, then hooted } the huge man off the stage. "Can't call a chuck worth a hoot!", said } a man to the Oracle's left. "Damn fool sounds like he never drained } a queue either!", said a man to the Oracle's right. The Oracle nodded } and moved on. } } The Oracle -hated- this, but it had proved time and time again to } work to his advantage. So every year he dressed up like a luser } and went to the "B1FF Faire". There he rubbed elbows with the AOLs } and Juno-whats, the Hotmailers and Questionquoters. He took notes } and learned. Know thy enemy indeed. } } He sat under a tree that had had all its leaves blown off and its } trunk carved with drivel like "Whatz lyfe meanin'?" and "42 question } huh?". He pulled a sandwich from his robes and ate as he watched } the crowd. They were all there. The students in their September } garb, the GUI-users with their time-consuming colorful blinders on, } the Gates-lovers taking two steps then crashing to the muddy soil } where they waited for others of their ilk to come and kick them with } heavy boots into a standing position. } } The Oracle stopped eating and shuddered. A MIME was approaching. } } It halted near the Oracle and began its long repetitive and boring } act, which instantly drew an adoring crowd. First the MIME covered one } of his eyes with his right hand and the crowd followed suit yelling } "Part of this you may not be able to see!". Then the MIME punched } himself in the stomach, the crowd followed suit and yelled, "Content } type: base 64!". The MIME held up two fingers, the crowd yelled, } "two!". The MIME held drew a "B" in the air, the crowd yelled, "B!". } The Oracle stood up and moved on, he had not stomach to watch them } plod letter by letter through 37 lines of base 64. } } A boy dressed in motley up to the Oracle and blurted out, "Tell you } something stupid for a grovel!" } } "The clay tablets on which the first draft of Gilgamesh were inscribed } were old long after you had shared your ten-millionth idea with the } noblest of the titans," said the Oracle. } } The boy laughed and laughed, then said, "YES NO HELL!" and ran off. } } The Oracle gave a sad smile and headed to the exit. He'd seen enough. --- 1016-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, > off the wall, > > Who's the biggest > geek of all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you have a couple of elements of the story a little mixed up, but } all right, I'll tell again the story of: } } ORRIE AND THE SEVERAL DORKS } } [To really get the mood here, imagine this in a quaint old font with } lots of little illustrations, and big fancy drop caps at the beginning } of each paragraph.] } } Once (did you get that big fancy "O"?) upon a time, there was a wicked } king who ruled the Land of Geeks with a cold heart, an iron fist, and a } solid brass pocket protector. He lived in a magnificent castle with } soaring towers and sturdy walls. The only way in or out was through an } enormous set of doors made by compressing the countless invoices he } sent his people; these were the fateful doors after which he took his } name -- the dreaded Bill Gates. } } While his myriads of minions marched around the kingdom enslaving all } whom they could, the evil king would lock himself away with his army of } marketing managers. Day and night they plotted, trying to stamp out } all traces of Geek society that did not belong to Bill Gates. And } finally, in times when weighty decisions were about to be made, the } king would retreat to his innermost chambers and consult the sources of } his evil designs. These were a set of almost 100 expensively } constructed windows, endowed with great magic by sacrificing the tiny, } downtrodden souls of his subjects. These were the Windows 95. } } Slowly, the king would approach the Windows 95, always with the dark } purpose of discerning how best to retain his title of King of the } Geeks. "Windows, Windows, off the wall," he would intone, "who's the } biggest Geek of all?" And always the Windows 95 would reply, "General } protection fault". But right after that, once the king had booted them } soundly, they would say, "You, Bill Gates, are the biggest Geek of } all!" and then they would produce a vision of the next vile device the } king would use to continue his terrible reign. } } On one fateful day, however, shortly after Bill Gates had enslaved } millions and defeated the Navigators with the help of the IE Four } Horsemen, the familiar pattern changed. After hours of booting and } re-booting and re-re-booting, the Windows 95 finally came to life. } Again, the mad king shouted, "Windows, Windows, off the wall, who's the } biggest Geek of all?" But this time, after a strange silence, the } Windows 95 replied, "We really hate to tell you this, big guy, but } there are several dorks out there that are pretty big geeks, too. And } they follow one who is even bigger than you." } } "What?" howled the evil king, booting the Windows 95 once again just } for good measure. } } "It's true," said the Windows 95, "take a look". And at once, after } several minutes of loading the programs and clicking through the MSNBC } ads, a vision appeared of a remote part of the Land of Geeks known as } rec.humor.oracle. There, with growing fury, Bill Gates watched as } askmes and tellmes came and went, and endless cascades weaved among } arcane Unix references and in-jokes from long ago. With cold eyes, he } took note of the names scrolling by: Kinzler! Zadoc! Viles! } Darkmage! Alyce ("With a 'Y'")! kirsten! Kendai! The list went on } and on. } } "Nooooo!" cried the king. "It *is* true! These dorks *are* bigger } geeks than me!" } } "If you think they're big," said the Windows 95, "you should see their } leader." } } "Who? Who is he? I shall destroy him!" Bill Gates screamed. } } "It is The Internet Oracle!" said the Windows 95. } } "Oracle?" said Bill Gates. "Internet? I thought Larry Ellison was off } wasting his time with that ridiculous Java/NC baloney. He'll be out of } my hair for years." } } "No, no, not that Oracle," said the Windows 95. "The Internet Oracle! } He who can only be reached via oracle@cs.indiana.edu with secret } incantations in the subject." } } "Aha!" cried Bill Gates. "We'll see about that!" And so began a } reign of terror the likes of which the Land of Geeks had never seen. } AOLers walked the land. Mail from Juno and Yahoo began to arrive, } first in ones and twos, then in torrents. When that proved inadequate, } Bill Gates took by storm the inhabitants of Hotmail, who began to } assail the Oracle with inanity. Finally, the evil king made an unholy } alliance to support the denizens of WebTV, and they, too invaded the } Oracle's territory, grunting and salivating and searching for their } remote controls under the seat cushions of the land. } } But in the end, all the merciless plotting of Bill Gates did not } prevail. Aside from ticking off a few of the Oracle's followers and } spawning some ridiculing Oracularities, the presence of Gates' minions } was scarcely noticed. The cascades still flowed merrily, the Staff of } Zot remained well-used, and the praises of the Oracle were still sung } in various strangely-accented and not always melodious voices. And, as } always, the several dorks who spawned the wrath of Bill Gates remained } in the midst of it all. } } And so, children, the story remains today. Seeing the power of Bill } Gates brought to naught by the Oracle, even the stiff-suited people of } the DOJ have been emboldened to confront him. The evil powers of Bill } Gates have been silent in the Land of Geeks for some time now. There } are rumors, of course, of hostile takeovers of certain ISPs and } educational institutions. There are persistent attempts to bring the } Internet into every home in the world, even to the completely } illiterate. And, perhaps most troubling, there is a story that Bill } Gates is constructing three new and even more expensive units for his } dark power source, and that he will soon be consulting the Windows 98 } rather than the Windows 95. But these are all simply stories told to } frighten children, and you may rest assured that the future lies safe } in the hands of Orrie and the several dorks. } } You owe the Oracle a cast of animated characters suitable for use in } licensed merchandise. --- 1016-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, whose every opcode embodies more semantic content > than I could ever hope to smell, please raise me from my > quandry and tell me, truly: > > Did Lee Harvey Oswald really shoot J.R. or did the CIA set him > up to protect Sue Ellen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INTERIOR OFFICE. We see a well-appointed Hollywood office with a } large picture window, a desk in front of the window. Sitting in } the chair wee see in profile LEONARD KATZMAN, smoking a cigarette } and gazing out the window } } SECRETARY (OS) Here are the script changes, Mr. Katzman. } } KATZMAN waves at his desk without looking. the } SECRETARY enters, puts the script on the desk, and } walks out again. } } CLOSE UP on KATZMAN as he finishes his cigarette, sighs, and } turns to reach for the script } } CLOSE UP on script. KATZMAN is about to pick it up when a hand } slams down on top of it. } } ORACLE I think I had better have a look at this. } } CLOSE UP on KATZMAN reacting in dismay and fear. } } CUT TO ORACLE, sitting down in a chair in front of the desk, } looking open and friendly. Behind him is OG, a Neanderthal, } dressed in skins. ORACLE begins to leaf through the script. } } ORACLE Og, you had better go help Zadoc with the } secretary. He hasn't had much experience with } women. } } OG nods and exits, closing the door behind him. } } CUT TO the two of them, sitting on opposite sides of the desk. } The ORACLE is leafing through the script, occasionally 'tsk'ing } or shaking his head. KATZMAN is nonplussed. } } KATZMAN Hi, Oracle. (beat) How are things in Indiana? } (beat) What brings you to Hollywood? } } ORACLE (gesturing at a page in the script) Now look at } this, Lenny. You start running things like this on } television, you know the sort of trouble there'll } be. } } KATZMAN Well, you know writers, Oracle. They write the } stuff. I'm just the producer. I try to-- } } ORACLE Lenny, didn't we have a little problem like this } one in Hawaii Five Oh? Didn't I tell you to cut } that appearance by MLK? } } KATZMAN Well, yeah, and you were right, but there's-- } } ORACLE And Lenny, do you remember why 'Fantastic Journey' } was canceled? } } KATZMAN Well, that bimbo McDowell.. } } ORACLE Lenny. } } KATZMAN (a beat) Yeah, I know. But Oracle, this is a soap } opera. You have to do things to keep the audience } coming back every week. No one believes in it. } Look, General Hospital told almost everything about } the-- } } ORACLE No they didn't, Lenny. That was just the story we } leaked to the Illuminati. The real facts are...not } as easily available. } } KATZMAN You leaked--? } } ORACLE This subplot about the secret entrance underneath } the grassy knoll will have to go. (flips a page) } and this--why don't you just tell all America what } was really stored in the school book depository? } } KATZMAN But I've got deadlines! I'll never get it changed-- } } ORACLE Yes you will, Lenny. No more Oswald, no more Ruby, } no more Dillinger. (stands up, stretching) Now } Lenny, I do sympathize with you. I know how } overworked you've been. } } KATZMAN (slumps on his desk) Overworked. } } ORACLE So I've brought someone to help you out. } } The ORACLE snaps his fingers. Behind him, the door opens, and } we see OG wave in LEE RICH. } } ORACLE Lenny, this is Lee Rich. He did some work for me on } the Waltons, making sure it stayed the kind of show } your family could watch. } } RICH breezes in, all smiles. He seats himself in the chair } } RICH Actually, most people remember me better for the } Rat Patrol. } } ORACLE Lee can help you with all your little script } problems, and he can let me know if there's } anything that needs handling. Is that OK, Lenny? } } KATZMAN (hopeless) Yeah, Oracle. } } ORACLE Don't be down, Lenny. I can tell you for nothing } that Dallas will do great next year. And the year } after. I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a } movie. Make sure you keep at that Warner Brothers } receptionist. } } KATZMAN (brightens just a little) Warner Brothers? } } ORACLE That's the spirit. } } CUT TO ORACLE turning and walking out the door. He smiles once } over his should then is gone, shutting the door behind him. } } ORACLE (through door) Zadoc, let the lady have her } typewriter back. That's better. Alright guys, now } we have to go talk to a man about those FemBots. } } You owe the Oracle a name change. To protect the innocent. --- 1016-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Today is opposite day! > > You owe the Supplicant a back-to-front cake and some > negatives of Lisa. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hah! I'm standing in the "opposite zone", so all the opposites } reflect back to YOU! And guess what! } } (Oracle throws a ball at the supplicant - *bonk*) } } I hit you with the Oracle-ball! I get two points! } } You owe the Oracle the entire collection of Calvin & Hobbes comic --- 1016-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most mellifluous Oracle.... What's with all the song lyrics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, What's on second. The guy over there with all the song lyrics } is Paul McCartney. } } You owe the Oracle Abbot and Costello's White Album. --- 1016-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's -- > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's right, folks! It's Hotmail! More annoying than Juno! } More prevalent than Yahoo! Able to spam all UseNET in a single } crosspost! } } But seriously. It's a bird. See? It's decided to poop on the } statue of Bill Gates. It's no dodo. } } You owe the Oracle a carryon pigeon.