From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 29 00:10:35 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA29589; Wed, 29 Apr 1998 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804290510.AAA29589@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1013 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1013 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1013 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1013 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1008 89 votes 29hBo ohoh7 5ryk3 dnE94 29vAb 9frt9 asAc3 59oro eBnd2 7htt7 1008 3.0 mean 3.8 2.6 2.9 2.6 3.5 3.2 2.7 3.6 2.5 3.1 --- 1013-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------- Forwarded Message > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > ------- Forwarded Message > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > ------- Forwarded Message > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > Current aminal cracker count: > > > > > > > > 3 owls > > > > 2 squirrles > > > > 1 monkey > > > > 1 duck > > > > > > > > I'm obviously saving the duck for last. Which should I eat > > > > next? > > > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > > > } Wow. I don't kn^H^Hcare! > > > ------- End of Forwarded Message > > > > > > You know, You of all Beings shouldn't encourage Apathy... > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } You know, you of all such supplicants shouldn't ask such stupid > > } questions. > > ------- End of Forwarded Message > > > > *eyes brighten* > > > > Are you the Midnight Queue-Drainer(tm)? > > > > Are you still around? > > > > Are you getting my Supplications? > > > > Can I flame you? Pleeeeease? Pretty Please? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Sure, I'll pass the buck, go ahead, flame away. > ------- End of Forwarded Message > > You know, an intelligent incarnation would tell me to save the owls > for last, because they're smarter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An intelligent incarnation would have killed this thread long ago. } } You owe the Oracle a better twit filter. --- 1013-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most obstinate of the Promthenian-like deities, please answer this > question, that I address to you standing proudly in the light of your > radiance, yet with head bowed and eyes looking down away from your > too noble features. Hear me oh great Oracle! > > What happened to the Centaurs? Where are they now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Centaurs... Centaurs... creatures with the head, upper torso, and } arms of a man, and the body and legs of a horse. Where have they gone? } You know, it hasn't crossed my mind for a while, but now that you } mention it, I haven't actually seen one of those guys around for quite } some time. Back in the old days, there were centaurs all over the } place. They'd be getting into the pantry all the time. It got to be } so you'd open a closet door and five or six centaurs would fall out. } Every time there was a tear in the screen, they'd start pouring in } through the back porch. I mean, don't get me wrong, I liked them and } all, but sometimes you want a little peace and quiet. The only thing } more annoying than centaurs were Greeks. They don't know when to shut } up. Try telling them that sometimes they're better off not knowing } exactly who that man they killed in the forest twenty years ago was... } they just won't hear of it. Anyway... I'm getting off track... what } exactly happened to centaurs? } } Let me go through my "What ever happened to..." files. } } Hmmm... "What ever happened to dinosaurs?" No, too far. "What ever } happened to Cindy Lauper?" What did happen to her...? Well, another } time. "What ever happened the Cenozoic era?" Wait... this _is_ the } Cenozoic era. Well, I'll just have to keep that one hidden for a } while. Ah! Here it is: "What ever happened to centaurs?" } } Oh, great, it's a film! Let's put it on... } *********************************************************************** } } WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO CENTAURS? } } [The scene is the Oracle's chambers. A wily looking Greek enters and } bows before the Oracle.] } } Greek: Oh most obstinate of the Promthenian-like deities, please } answer this question, that I address to you standing proudly in the } light of your radiance, yet with head bowed and eyes looking down away } from your too noble features. Hear me oh great Oracle! } } Oracle: Okay, I'll hear you. } } Greek: How much cents can a Centaur sense since a Centaur can sense } cents? } } Oracle: Arrrgghh! Why do all you stupid Greeks come in here and ask } me how much cents Centaurs can sense? Do you all think you're funny? } I have half a mind to zot all you Greeks into oblivion just to keep } from hearing that infernal question! } } Zadoc: [Running in and bowing] Oh, shining one, who's breath is like } that of the crisp mountain air and who's sweat is like the early } morning dew... } } Oracle: What is it? } } Zadoc: If you zot all the Greeks into oblivion, you'll be out of a } job. } } Oracle: Hmmm... That's true. But I forsee an annoying lifetime of } Centaur questions unless I do something about it... Wait... I know. } [The Oracle pulls out his staff of ZOT and puts it on "deep fry." } Zadoc dives to the ground.] } } ************ZOT************** } } [Around the world all Centaurs are suddenly and mysteriously deep } fried, traces left only in the Greek myths.] } } Oracle: Well, that should take care of my Centaur problem. } } Zadoc: That also took care of that annoying Greek. } } [The Greek is a smoking pile of ash.] } } Oracle: That will teach him not to duck when I raise my staff of zot. } } Zadoc: Besides, he asked the dreaded, "How much cents can a centaur } sense since a centaur can sense cents" question. } } Oracle: That's the last time I'll have to hear a stupid nonsensical } question based purely on a whimsical play off the name of an animal. } } Zadoc: I hope so, because the Oracle ethics board is trying to pass a } "no genociding cute animals" law right this very minute. } } Oracle: Uh oh... I forsee trouble. } *********************************************************************** } } Well, I guess that answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle a deep fried Centaur burger and a repeal of the "no } genociding cute animals" law. --- 1013-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880 > Content-Type: text/plain > > O Mighty Oracle, who's the studliest of studs, jockiest of jocks, > womanizer extraordinair, please answer this humble supplicant's > question: > > Is Lisa a divine immortal like you, or is she human? > > ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880 > Content-Type: application/ms-tnef > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 > > eJ8+IgUJAQaQCAAEAAAAAAABAAEAAQeQBgAIAAAA5AQAAAAAAADoAAEIgAcAGAAAAElQTS5N > aWNyb3NvZnQgTWFpbC5Ob3RlADEIAQWAAwAOAAAAzgcEAAoACwAHAAMABQD9AAEggAMADgAA > AAEAAABAADkA8H8yB2BkvQEeAHAAAQAAAAcAAAB0ZWxsbWUAAAIBcQABAAAAFgAAAAG9ZF7I > QAEAAAALAAAATklMUy5ERVNMRQAAAwAZQAAAAAACAQkQAQAAABUBAAARAQAAQQEAAExaRnX+ > ZhVTcxSgam9jLmsVthaiFnF3A3JpemEEkCBleHQUUAWwZJsLgAtwchSgC1BlYREQOiAAcXcY > QRUgBAAgaM51BtAUgBVQdXALUA3gtQBwdBTxcQpQFWBpAiCuOgqiCoQKgEkEIEwEAOphGcAg > hQAAAAAAAAMAPoAIIAYAAAAAAMAAAAAAAABGAAAAAFKFAAC3DQAAHgA/gAggBgAAAAAAwAAA > AAAACwBJgAggBgAAAAAAwAAAAAAAAEYAAAAADoUAAAAAAAADAEuACCAGAAAAAADAAAAAAAAA > ADeFAAABAAAAAQAAAAAAAAAeAGCACCAGAAAAAADAAAAAAAAARgAAAAA4hQAAAQAAAAEAAAAA > AAAAAwDxPwkEAAADAP0/5AQAAAMAJgAAAAAAAwA2AAAAAAADAIAQ/////wIBRwABAAAAMwAA > B2BkvQFAAAgwMIJMB2BkvQEeAD0AAQAAAAEAAAAAAAAAHgAdDgEAAAAHAAAAdGVsbG1lAAAe > X0NPTU1TUlY+AAAAAAsAKQAAAAAACwAjAAAAAAADAAYQLQAImAMABxChAAAAAwAQEAAAAAAD > VEhJU0hVTUJMRVMAAAAAAgF/AAEAAAA1AAAAPDMwRTNDNkFFMEI0N0QxMTE5Q0YyMDA2MDk3 > QjFFQTAyMDhFQTI5QENHS19DT01NU1JWPgAAAAAM6g== > > ------ =_NextPart_000_01BD6470.CB47D880-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This answer is in CLUE format. Since you do not understand } this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. } } ------ =_NextPart_O6_110v35.115A } Content-Type: application/vi_plus } Content-Transfer-Encoding: clued } } @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@@ } @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ } @@! @@! @@@ @@! } !@! !@! @!@ !@! } @!! @!@ !@! @!! } !!! !@! !!! !!! } !!: !!: !!! !!: } :!: :!: !:! :!: } :: :::: ::::: :: :: } : :: : : : : : : } } ------ =_NextPart_O6_110v35.115A --- 1013-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Many Russian folk songs contain the phrase "lyuli, lyuli". Not knowing > Russian (I just sing the songs, I don't understand them), I can't help > but wonder what this phrase is. Is it just a standard Russian nonsense > phrase like "tra-la-la" in English? Or does it actually mean > something? > > Just curious. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So I observe. } } Though both are now used just as filler-words to make the lyrics scan - } crafting folk-songs properly would spoil all their quaint authenticity, } you understand - originally the words were part of the troubadours' } patois to cover mistakes. So the meaning is roughly "excuse me", or } "sorry". For example, } } Ooooooooh, when Oi were very young, tra-la } [Yur, Oi know's Oi's late] } I plied the weaver's trade, tra-la } [Oi knows Oi's flat, too, but oh, that } were a good brew yestereve at the } inn!] } And then at harvest-time I spied, tra-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaaah } [Pity about the beans] } A passing merchant's maid. } [Why's you looking at Oi loike that, } Oi didn'say nowt!] } } In Russia, of course, everything is much more dramatic and vigorous, } } Belinka, belinka, belinka, glasnost/ lyuli! } [I saw you in the haystack, } I saw you on the ricks] } Solzenyzin, solzenyzin, solzenyzin, popov/ lyuli! } [Aren't you quite rich? } You'll make a fine pair } You playing up here } And my daughter who's next to that } priest and the heavily-built man } wearing shades Over there] } Chernobyl, chernobyl, chernobyl, kalashnikov/ lyuli! lyuli! } lyuuuuuli!! [Oh dear, during the Cossack-style } dance interlude your nose appears to } have impaled itself on my } balalaika...] } Perestroika, perestroika, perestoika, oblomov } [... future son-in-law] } } You owe the Oracle a lyuli for forgetting to krowkov. --- 1013-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh lascivious and boogie-knighted Oracle, please tell me, > > Why can't I get a date on Saturday night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're not in season. Try canteloupe. } } You owe The Oracle a fig. --- 1013-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a good start, but the meter's kind of off. Why don't we try } something to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike": } } Oh, get your free email at hotmail-dot-com } You can privately send and receive letterbombs } You can sell the world nudie JPEGs of your mom } Get your private, free email at hotmail-dot-com } } You owe the Oracle a recording contract with Columbia records. --- 1013-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > 1 4/\/\ 81FF. ]-[3y DO0D, \|\|H47 D0 \i/oU G3t |/|/H3N Y()u fR3Ez3 A]\] > 04R? > > ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > http-equiv=Content-Type> > > >
size=2>1 4/\/\ 81FF.  ]-[3y DO0D, \|\|H47 D0 \i/oU G3t |/|/H3N Y()u > fR3Ez3 A]\] 04R?
> > ------=_NextPart_000_0071_01BD6C95.64A984C0-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [After digestification, it was discovered this answer is derived from } Dave Barry's "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program". Our } apologies to Mr Barry. --ed] } } 81FF, DO0D! C|-|3c|< T|-|is 0|_|t! } } Installing Your Instant HTML and Web-Page Translation Software: } A 12-Step Program } } 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed } box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run } the software. It should look something like this: } } SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS } 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER } 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM } 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE } 3546 MB RAM } 432323 MB ROM } 05948737 MB RPM } ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM } 2 TURTLE DOVES } NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. } } 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will } contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and } trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away. } } 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a } 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed } envelope that says: } } LICENSING AGREEMENT: } By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all } the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever } reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the } Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Fluffy } White Sheep and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, } as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, } including the right to come to the user's home and examine the } user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we } feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation } indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, } losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget } to tip your servers. } } 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of } child), please install this on my computer." } } 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the } appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. } } 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. } } 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. } } 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after } which the following message should appear on your screen: } } The Installation Program will now examine your system to see } what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK } with you? Choose one, and be honest: } } +---------+ +-----------+ } | YES | | SURE | } +---------+ +-----------+ } } 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and } whirring for a very long time while the installation program does } who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually } alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your } computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such } as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program } will create many new directories, sub-directories, } sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with } thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," } "fester.dat," and "doo.wha." } } 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should } display the following message: } } CONGRATULATIONS } } The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to } your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run } your software. } } If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, } shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, } you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^& } } 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional } than the federal government, refusing to respond even when } struck with furniture. } } 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on } the package and wait on the line for a representative, who } will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to } adopt a child aged 3 through 12. } } And so that's the easy way to install your HTML and Web-Page Translation } Software... } } } You owe the Oracle the new Victoria's Secret catalogue on CD-ROM. a } plate of Krispie Treats ...and a twelve-year-old. } --- 1013-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle... Aren't all the kids with bizarre piercings and > extensive tattoos going to feel a might silly when they become > grandparents? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, by then the whole skin-decoration fad will be hopelessly out of } touch. Their grandkids with bionic implants and voluntary amputations } will giggle when they talk about Grampa Spike's butt-pierce. The term } "quaint" comes to mind. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of pegged pants and some mousse. (It'll be } the retro rage in 2072. Trust me.) --- 1013-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Orrie, > > do hamsters have any purpose in life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let's see ... they run on treadmills all day long, never get } outdoors, live for little pellets of sustenance, and have bad hygiene } habits and irritable dispositions. Yes, I think it's quite clear that } they have a purpose: role models for Microsoft programmers. } } You owe the Oracle a Habitrail screen saver. --- 1013-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, you are the > of all wisdom, the > of kindness and mercy, and you also have a beautiful bgcolor="#ffffff">. > > I really need your on this > question which my poor mind struggles to
method="POST" target="_top" action="http://cgi-bin/oraclemail.cgi">: > > Am I spending too much time writing ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C } C } WRITE(6,7001) } 7001 FORMAT(1X,'YES, BUT THERE ARE WORSE FATES.') } STOP } END