From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 9 14:04:38 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.15) id OAA12994; Mon, 9 Feb 1998 14:04:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 14:04:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199802091904.OAA12994@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #982 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 982 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #982 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 14:04:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 982 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 977 78 votes 8isj5 6jile 4gyl3 8kAb3 5mpk6 3cqne dfmia jum52 ajnl5 6iwg6 977 2.9 mean 2.9 3.2 3.0 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.0 2.2 2.9 3.0 --- 982-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > you have a very funny pristess, > who is she? > I want to ask you for her hand! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: You'd have difficulty pronouncing her name in your language. } Actually, you'd have difficulty doing it with a tongue and } vocal chords shaped like that. } } As for the marriage proposal, well, I don't know that you } really want to do that, but since you asked... } } Zadoc! Get in here! } } Zadoc: Yes, mighty one? } } Oracle: We have a marriage to perform. } } Zadoc: But, sir... } } Oracle: Yes, yes. Nevermind that. } } Zadoc: Whatever you say... } } [Zadoc turns to face the young couple -- young being a } relative term when an Immortal is in the room.] } } Please step forward and state your names...thank you. } } Do you, thankless Supplicant, take this Priestess to be her } thrall, her sex slave, her concubine, her combine, her } tractor, her ox, her scullery maid, and any other menial } operant she can conceive? (Say, 'I do...') } } Do you, Q!brztshck!shmp of the third rank, take this lowly } worm, whose brain cannot comprehend, whose thoughts cannot } conceive, whose loins are probably below mention to command, } torture, enrapture, enslave, and any other entertainment you } can squeeze out before his usefulness is at an end? (Say, } "Sh!ctazk...") } } I now pronounce you man and B!lapyv. You may slug the } Supplicant. } } THWACK! } } And may I say, what a lovely couple you make. } } You owe the Oracle a complete transcript of your divorce proceedings. --- 982-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you're the Juno Incarnation, please do not reply to this. You > aren't the remotest bit funny, and I've had more than enough from you > already. > > Oh Oracle most wise, it is my understanding that the fiercest creature > on this planet, milligram for milligram, is the Siamese fighting fish. > (_Betta splendens_, if you really want to be picky about it.) > > I was just wondering, how does ths Siamese fighting fish compare with > the fiercest creatures on some other planets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, a much better question for you to ask would be "I understand } that the Juno Incarnation is, milligram for milligram, the least funny } creature on the planet. I was just wondering, how does this Juno } Incarnation compare with the least funny creatures on some other } planets?" As I am perfect in every way, I'm sure you'll accept my } judgement. } } On Earth we're actually quite lucky in that many of our standup } comedians are usually fairly good (We'll ignore Bob Hope for the } purpose of argument). On the planet Leeemunz in the Joest } Constellation, standup comedians have a number of handicaps. Firstly, } since the dominant Brappa species have no legs, they are unable to } 'stand up'. Secondly, the species communicates via a form of biological } fax. Unfortunately, due to some quirk of evolution when a Brappa prints } an answer, a signature is printed onto the bottom of the sheet of paper } listing its entire genetic code. Given that this takes about four } hours, this does cause problems for Brappa comedians in the area of } comic timing. Thirdly, Brappa rapidly run out of paper due to their } lengthy replies and often, just when they need to make a witty putdown } of a member of the audience, the comedian has to rush off to eat some } trees. } } In the Grrayymian Nebula, they have a problem of language definition } and memory. You see, the Grrayymians love puns, but given that their } language has 231 vowels and 4912 consonants, the chance of any two } words sounding even remotely similar is so small, that the only two } punning words are "gyyrruuthzmkian" meaning "worm droppings" and } "gyyrraathxmkion" meaning "lymph node". Hence, the funniest joke in the } Grrayymian Nebula is "Doctor, I think my worm droppings are swelling, } could it be something serious?". Unfortunately, due to having a memory, } the entire populace knows this joke. Consequently the Grrayymian race } have all become ultraserious rocket scientists researching space travel } in the hope of travelling to other planets, learning the language and } hearing lots of good puns. (I just had to tell them about Japan, expect } them in time for the 2036 Olympics). } } On the third moon of the planet Juggz live an ancient race called } "Horridans" who in symbiotic evolution have evolved to be especially } suited to being administrators. So good are they at this task, } that intelligent species for parsecs around have handed over all } their administration duties to the Horridans so that the other } species can get on with meaningful work, or, god forbid, have a } bit of time to relax. So humorless are the Horridans that several } races in the area considered it a rite of passage to manhood for } their young males to travel to the third moon of Juggz and make one } of the Horridans crack a smile. These races are all now extinct, } as the task proved impossible and none of their young males passed } into manhood. A typical conversation for one of these unfortunate } males went like this: } } Number 92,343,843 Please go to Window 3. Number 92,343,843 } Please go to Window 3. } } Excuse me, have you heard the one about the acrobat who caught } his wife in the act? } I'm sorry, you have the wrong department. We deal with } applications for licences to crop-dust agricultural } planets. If you need to make a request for an } entertainment licence you need to queue down the hall } in Room A357Z. } No, no, no, it doesn't matter. Excuse me, I need to see } the file for I. P. Standing. } Please wait a minute while I look that up on the computer. } I'm sorry, we don't have a file for I. P. Standing. } If I. P. Standing is the acrobat you mentioned } before you'll need to queue down the hall as we do } not have the computer codes necessary to access the } entertainment licence registry. } Oh, oh, oh, ..., oh forget it! } } As you can see, even The Juno Incarnation would be the funniest } creature known on any of these planets. So, if we can only work out } a way of sending it to one of them.... } } You owe The Oracle a witty putdown for 'My Grandmother could tell } better jokes than you, and she's a five tongued three legged reptiloid } who has been crushed into subatomic particles in a black hole'. } } Feedback to: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk --- 982-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, thou whose powers of persuasion are so great that thou > couldst talk Fidel Castro into becoming thy downstream distributor of > Amway products, please hear this question. > > Oracle, as you know anything, could you please explain something to me > about the curious culture of our American cousins. As far as I can see, > they knew that Bill Clinton was a womanising adulterer before they > elected him President. They elected him President. Now, they're > creating a big fuss and acting all shocked because he's a womanising > adulterer. Isn't this perhaps just a little bit unfair on the guy? At > least he doesn't accidently strangle himself while wearing womens > stockings and with his mouth filled with an orange like our British > politicians do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you know anything about Americans, supplicant, it's that they love } to complain about things. } } They complained during the election because they didn't like the } choices. } They complained after he was elected because he was a womanizer. } They complain now because he is STILL a womanizer. } They complain because they think Kenneth Starr is trying too hard. } They complain because Monica Lewinsky is a fat cow. } They complain because Paula Jones used to look pretty sleazy. } They complain because now she's cleaned up her image. } They even complained that the King of England was using them, way back } around the American Revolution. Can you imagine? } } You owe the Oracle a date with that Gennifer Flowers person. --- 982-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, all knowith and wise, I have a question for > you, one of which is most important and universe shaping, that us as > mortals are hanging on your works and ideas, and we need you to answer > these questions so that we can better ourselves in your image and then > aspire to raise ourselves to become better servants to your great and > magnifacant presence so that you will no longer need those priests > with you because we will be perfect and submissive workers in your > most wisely crafted and perfectly created world and in service to you > we may become better lowly creatures and then know our true purpose as > our species, which is to serve you and yourself for eternity untill > you tire of us and then we can gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle > gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see that El Nino has finally arrived to your neck of the woods. --- 982-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Miss Manners > > I have a real and major problem. Of tonights supper guests, four are > vegetarians and for them I will be doing a timbal of parsnip and > sprouts, while my six omnivorous guests will have sole Veronique. I > like to keep these things simple and prefer not to prescribe sitting > places and would like to lay place settings for all eventualities. I am > sure that you can see my problem. Should the fish knives and forks be > laid inside or outside the regular cutlery for the timbal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Miss Manners is on vacation. In her place, we present Thag, a } Neanderthal from the late Pleistocene epoch.] } } Thag here. Thag read your question carefully. Thag think about } question. Thag think long time about question. Thag think question } difficult, but Thag often have trouble with questions anyways. } Thag see you say you "like keep things simple." Thag agree with } this. Thag enjoy simple meals. Thag eat simple foods often, nuts, } berries, roast mammoth. Thag think simple meals best. } Thag not understand why simple meal need separate forks for fish } meal and root meal. Thag not understand why guests need forks in first } place. Thag think you should take all forks and knives and spoons from } table. Thag think guests should eat with hands. Thag think food taste } better when hands are greasy and gooey. Thag think eating with hands } make meal more spi-ri-tu-al. } Thag done. } } [Thag's column, "Thag Here", appears in over 250 papers nation-wide.] --- 982-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Operatic Of Oracles, > > If I took Gilbert, Sullivan, Vardi, Strauss, and Wagner and put them > all into a room (with pleanty of sustenance) and not let them come out > until they had all written an Opera together, What ould be the Title of > the Opera and how would the Plot go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not very familiar with this Vardi fellow, so let's just assume that } whoever he is, he will play the role of sustenance for the other four. } With that settled, it's off to the opera we go! } } Hmm, let's see... Gilbert, Sullivan, Strauss, and Wagner... } } I believe an obvious working title for such an epic would go something } like "The Really Big Button Fly Shoe on the Bionic Prairie." } } As for how the plot would go, I think the title pretty much answers } that question. However, the surprise ending, I must say, is quite } extraordinary. I don't want to give away too much, so I'll just say } that by the end of the show, you'll be wondering a lot about sexual } identity. } } You owe the Oracle a fat lady who sings when it gets boring. --- 982-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % finger supplicant@cs.indiana.edu > [cs.indiana.edu] > Login name: supplicant In real life: Guest account > Directory: /home/supplicant Shell: /bin/rsh > Never logged on. > No unread mail. > No plan. > > % rsh cs.indiana.edu -l supplicant grep -in oracle /etc/passwd > 42: oracledba:*:12:11:Oracle DBA:/home/oracledba:/bin/sh > 255: oracle:*:0:1:The Internet Oracle:/home/deities/oracle:/bin/msh > % rsh cs.indiana.edu -l supplicant ypcat /etc/passwd | grep -i > oracle > orrie.crackme > % crack orrie.crackme > orrie.passwd & > [1] 1066 > ... > % > crack: No passwords found in English (using Electronic OED, 1997 ed.). > [1] Done crack orrie.crackme > orrie.passwd > % crack orrie.crackme --dict="Random House Elder-to-English, -4e20 ed." > > orrie.passwd & > [1] 1789 > ... > % > crack: Found a match! > [1] Done crack orrie.crackme --dict="Random House Elder-t > % cat orrie.passwd | tee quicktrans --in="Elder" --out="English" > astioguaWERKLWQEI*Rdakfj#%*(safSDIF#45Afgji4%fgjERtFRGe > quicktrans: The sigil Odegra, "Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds" > % telnet cs.indiana.edu > Trying 129.79.123.25... > Connected to CS.INDIANA.EDU. > Escape character is ^]. > > Login: oracle > Password: > > and THEN what happens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have 13,234,169,832,623 unread messages. --- 982-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Orrie ever go to Renaissance Fairs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no! You're messing it all up! Look, *I'm* pretending to be the } Internet Oracle. You're supposed to come in and ask me, the Oracle, a } question, not ask me, me, a question *about* the Oracle. Also, you } forgot to abase yourself and grovel. Can't you get anything right? } Here, let me show you how it's done. } } Ok, so now I'm pretending to be a supplicant. I walk into the Great } Hall of the Oracle. I show my fear and awe of the Oracle by cringing a } little and opening my eyes real wide. I fall on my knees in front of } the Oracle. What? Yes, I know nobody's there right now, but in a couple } of minutes, you'll be the supplicant and I'll be the Oracle, so you'll } be here and I'll be there, got it? All right, so I'm on my knees now, } and I maybe touch my forehead to the floor. Why? Because it's an } ancient gesture of respect. So I've abased myself -- now I have to } grovel, you know, say flattering things like "O mighty Oracle in whose } eyes I am too insignificant to even mock" or "O most wise Oracle who } knows more than my pathetic brain ever can." Finally, I get to ask my } question "Does Orrie ever go to Renaissance Fairs?" I don't know where } you came up with that, but at least it's a question. Except that it } should be "Do you ever go to Renaissance Fairs?" because I'm the } Oracle. Don't even say it. } } All right, so now I'm running over here and pretending to be the } Internet Oracle. You've just asked me your question, and I have to } deign to reply. I come up with a suitable witty and omniscient response } such as "Yes, I play God." or make some reference to MST3K and refer to } you as a community theater reject. Then I think up some sort of payment } that you owe me. } } What do you get out of it? Why, a tiny fragment of the great wisdom of } the Oracle. Ok, so you stand over there and we'll try this again. Wait, } where are you going? } } Somebody owes the Oracle a new supplicant. --- 982-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ahem. Oh Oracle most wise, ahem. I have, ahem, this awful problem, > ahem, with post-nasal drip. Ahem. Sorry. Ahem. I have to keep > clearing, ahem, my throat. Ahem. Is there anything, ahem, I can do > about this? Ahem. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *2 second film bite of person w/ runny nose sniffling* } } Voice-over: Post-nasal drip getting you down? } } *person sits up, looks interested, nods excitedly* } } Voice-over: Wish you had a way to stop the annoying sniffling? } } Person: Yeah! } } Voice-over: Try ChronoNose! } } Person: Huh? } } Voice-over: ChronoNose! This remarkable new invention actually puts a } very small time machine INSIDE YOUR NOSE!!! } } Person: Wow! But how does that stop post-nasal drip? } } Voice-over: ChronoNose sends your mucus and other nasal fluids BACK IN } TIME!! We guarantee that 99.5% of all your drip will be PRE-NASAL!!! } } Person: YAY!!! Oh, but I don't want to go get a perscription... } } Voice-over: ChronoNose is legal for sale OVER THE COUNTER!! We use the } strongest Nasal Time Machine the government will allow us to and still } not need a perscription. } } Person: I don't know, ChronoNose sounds expensive. } } Voice-over: It's not! Besides, think of the embarrasement if you had a } meeting with a big client and had to keep sniffling... or a performance } review... } } Person: Wow! It sounds like I'll wind up *making* money by buying } ChronoNose!! } } Voice-over: ChronoNose - the time machine for your mucus! } } *bright flash, show Person in expensive luxury car, holding up a } ChronoNose* } } Person: Thank you, Chrono Nose! } } Voice-over: ChronoNose - available at finer pharmacies everywhere. } } Lawyer Voice: NotlegalforsaleinWisconsin. } PleaseconsultyourphysicianbeforeusingChronoNose. } Notanosehairremovalproduct. Useonlyasdirected. } ChronoNoseInc.doesn'ttakeanyresponsibilityifyoushovesmallinsectsupyour } nosetotryandsendthembackintime. } } You owe the Oracle a ChronoNose. --- 982-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a person like yourself doing at a insignificant little .edu > instead of the goodies like UAH.edu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE INTERNET ORACLE STAYS AT THIS PARTICULAR .EDU, } INSTEAD OF GOING TO UAH.EDU: } } 1: Due to constant lobbying, the State of Indiana has introduced } total tax excemption for all omniscients operating out of this } particular institution. } } 2: Delphi wasn't exactly the centre of Greek civilization either, } you know. } } 3: That gosh-darned Hollering from the Rooftops Oracle has cornered } the *entire* answering market in Huntsville, including the University } of Alabama. And he ain't sharing! } } 4: Big .edus fear that the size of my reputation will suffocate the } reps of the actual places of learning sponsoring them. } } 5: Some 68 percent of the Indiana population have IQs smack dab in } the average required to be members of the Oracular Priesthood. } Alabamans, on the other hand, usually lack IQs altogether. } } 6: Ye can't get theah from heah. } } 7: Epitome of all that is Indiana: Steve Kinzler. } } 8: Essence of Alabamahood: Og. } } 9: I can't stand the terrible climate they've got down there. } } And finally: } } 10: The Coalition of Small W**dch**king Animals is just too strong in } the South. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of David Letterman's "Best of Top Ten Lists"! } (and boy, do I need it!)