From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 21 08:15:19 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id IAA05040; Wed, 21 Jan 1998 08:15:19 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 21 Jan 1998 08:15:19 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801211315.IAA05040@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #976 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 976 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #976 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 21 Jan 1998 08:15:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 976 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 971 88 votes 6gws6 1atvh frtd4 cmmma 5assh 8vyb4 4gCjb 29Asd 7owk5 fotaa 971 3.1 mean 3.1 3.6 2.6 3.0 3.5 2.7 3.2 3.5 2.9 2.7 --- 976-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ::grovel:: ::grovel:: > > How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a > Tootsie pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends. } } If you're a wise old owl: 3 } If you're a child: a mean of 89.2, normally distributed } with a standard deviation of 23.1 } If you're a porn star: infinity } If you're Madonna: 1 } If you're a zen master: you are one with the Tootsie Roll center } of a Tootsie Pop } If you're Marv Albert: none, I bit it right away, but I thought } that's what it wanted } If you're OJ Simpson: I licked it because I loved it } If you're Bill Clinton: I ate a Tootsie Pop, but I didn't lick } If you're the Oracle: Lisa does the licking } } You owe the Oracle ... oh, never mind, there's nothing else in the } world that I really need. --- 976-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracleman, riddle me this! > > Expand (x-a)*(x-b)*(x-c)*...*(x-z) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Holy Hofstadter, Oracleman! That's going to be one wicked } polynominal!" exclaimed Lisa. } "Indeed," I replied, noting that she was already busy scribbling an } expansion on her notepad, "but the twenty-fourth term is the killer." } "Twenty-fourth?" she said, puzzled. "Um, that would be... (x-x)?" } I stared at her until she slapped her head in annoyance. "Of } course! It all reduces to zero! But why would the Puzzler send you } something so obvious?" } "Because its a clue to something more sinister, chum. That's what } we have to find out." } } Normally the Puzzler gives obvious hints about his capers, but this } one had even my razor-sharp mind boggled. } Lisa had all but given up. She sat in the large armchair in the } Commissioner's office, fiddling dejectedly with the envelope in which } the message came. She stared at it, then sniffed it cautiously. } "Smells like chicken," she sighed. } Her statement triggered something in the back of my mind. "What?" } I asked cautiously. } "Oh, this stain on the envelope. It smells like chicken grease." } I practically leaped across the room to snatch the envelope from } her startled hands. } After taking a deep whiff myself, I said, "Not just any kind of } fried chicken, chum, but *Polly's* Fried Chicken!" } The Commissioner marveled at my sensitive nose, but he was still } missing the connection. Fortunately, Lisa didn't. } "Polly... polynominal!" } "Right!" I shouted, glad to be on the track of something. "And I } would gamble anything that there's a Polly's Chicken franchise on } Nominal Avenue. To the Oraclemobile!" } The Commissioner was reaching for the phone book as Lisa and I } bolted from the room. "Don't bother checking, Commissioner," she } called back over her shoulder, "he's always right!" } } Indeed I was. We entered the Polly's Chicken on Nominal from the } roof. Scaling walls is easy; all you have to do is pretend that } everyone is looking at you sideways and that you're really walking } along the ground. } The store was deserted. } "Perhaps it was a coincidence?" my partner inquired, almost } apologetically. } "With the Puzzler, it's *never* a coincidence," I snarled back. } As if on cue, all the lights in the store came on, momentarily } blinding us. When our eyes undazzled, we found ourselves facing two } large guys in bowling shirts, each bearing the embroidered name } "Herb." } Also present was the Puzzler! "Herbs," he shouted, "get them!" } The Herbs were no match for our polished fighting skills, so it } looked like an easy win... until the Spice Girls suddenly appeared and } started singing. We tried to hold out as long as possible, but } eventually the pain was too much and we had to cover our ears. } Without the use of our arms, the Herbs (who were wearing earmuffs, I } noted) quickly beat us into unconsciousness. } } I awoke first. } "Ah, Oracleman! I see you're awake. What do you think of my } seven secret Herbs and Spices?" } "I think you're insane," I muttered. } We had been manicled to chairs. In front of me was a computer } console. The handcuffs I wore gave me just enough slack to reach the } keyboard. } Lisa moaned to signal her return to consciousness. } "I see you're curious about this setup. The computer in front of } you will begin to display logic puzzles. You have thirty seconds to } solve each one. If you answer incorrectly or fail to answer at all, } the crack in the platform below you will open an inch. When it opens } wide enough, you and your lovely companion will be dumped directly } into the deep fat fryer, and you'll quickly become tomorrow's special } of the day." } "You twisted goon! Leave Lisa out of this!" } "Sorry, Oracleman! I need to keep the both of you busy while I go } out and commit the Crime of the Century! Herbs! Spices! Pack up, } we're moving out." } He chuckled evilly as the first logic puzzle appeared on the } screen. "Enjoy yourself, Oracleman. Don't think too hard; you'll } give yourself a headache..." } } Great Spicy Chicks! Can Orrie and Lisa escape before they become } just another Urban Legend? Find out next week! Same Oracle time, } same Oracle channel! --- 976-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Julsy The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, it's almost the weekend! What shall I do? What will you do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm thinking a *real* party!!! None of this "Martha Stewart" stuff, } I'll have a *real* party!!! What makes a *real* party different from } other social affairs?? Two things: } } 1. As much as anyone can remember, it was more fun. } 2. No one can remember very much. } } *Real* parties are given for pleasure only and never to mark an } occassion. There can no more be a reason for a *real* party than there } can be an excuse for what goes on after it starts. } } *Real* parties vary tremendously in type an style, but all share } certain things in common. } } - *Real* parties don't start until after midnight. } - No friendship or romantic relationship should survive a *real* party } fully intact. } - Neither should much furniture. } - Someone should have underpants on his head by two a.m. } - By three a.m. someone should have called the police. } - Someone else should have called Mikhail Gorbachov long distance to } invite him over. } - By five a.m. everyone should have gotten in cars and tried to go } someplace else and backed into each other instead. } - All your friends should still be there when you come to in the } morning. } } Most parties are not *real* parties. And some parties can never be } *real* parties no matter how hard the partygoers try. Among these are: } } -Office Christmas parties } -Wine-tasting parties } -Book-publishing parties } -Parties with themes, such as "Las Vegas Nite" or "Waikiki Whoopee" } -Parties at which anyone is wearing a blue velvet tuxedo jacket } -Parties at the homes of people who don't smoke, have subscriptions to } Commentary, own china figurine collections, or were ever in the Peace } Corps } -Parties at which more than six of the guests are related by blood. } -The Republican Party } } Small parties are very easy to plan... An old Supremes tape, a fifth of } Stolichnaya, and some copies of Penthouse from the 70's make for a } perfect small party without the bother and complication of guests. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Doritos, Led Zepplin tapes, a three-pack } of Hanes (34 waist), and Mikhail Gorbachov's phone number. --- 976-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ::grovel:: ::grovel:: > > If you crossed Marilyn Manson with Hanson, what would you get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fifteen to twenty, with time off for good behavior. } } You owe the Oracle an antidote for "Jailhouse Rock". --- 976-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bah, Ho Humbug. > Why do I sit here every day, answering all these @#$X! questions? > People send me null questions, cliche questions, woodchuck, or even NO > questions! This whole supplicant thing is just a crock. > ZADOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > {Zadoc runs in, wrapping paper trailing behind} > ZADOC: Sorry, my master, whose halls I am not worthy to deck. I was > busy wrapping your present. It was extra hard, I mean, what do you get > for the man who knows everything? > > ORACLE: Zadoc, I'm giving up. > > ZADOC: What? On MY present? Oh come master, you always know what to > get (you know EVERYTHING of course.) I so loved that "I'm with > All-Knowing" shirt you got me last year. > > ORACLE: No, no, no..... your "I became 'Highest Oracular Priest' and > all I got was this lousy T-shirt" wrapped. I'm talking about this > whole life. Getting questions, giving answers. It is done. > > ZADOC: GASP! But master! The supplicants! > > ORACLE: What, are there no Fortune Tellers, or Psychic Friends > Networks? > > ZADOC: But many would rather die! > > ORACLE: Well maybe they should! And decrease the surplus population! > Now Zadoc, GOOD DAY! > > {Zadoc leaves, saddened. The Oracle leans back in his > throne...frustrated, and alone. Sudddenly, the clock strikes midnight. > A horrible crash, flash, scream and moaning come from outside} > ORACLE: WHO ARE YOU!?!?!?! > > ZADOC (from outside): Oh, sorry master, I was cleaning the staff of zot > and it accidentally went off. > > {The Oracle turns back around and is surprised by a ghostly figure.} > > ORACLE: WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!?! > > GHOST: How ironic that now it is you who is asking the questions. > > ORACLE: Oh, of course. I already know, don't I? In life you were > Clairol, the parody of Clarence the Angel from 942.0, the last time we > did a Christmas special parody. > > CLAIROL: You know the drill, right? > > ORACLE: I know everything. 3 visits, 3 ghosts, I supposedly get all > mushy and become a better Oracle. > > {Clairol Dissappears.} > A few minutes later, a ghost appears, looking vary much like > Lisa. The Oracle, hiding in his Oracular bed, peeks out to ask "Who > are you, and have you come to show me images of my childhood? And how > my life went astray?" > Lisa moves closer. "I am the ghost of Oracularities past, and > we're not going back that far. Let's go back to 875-03." With a wave > of her hand, the room has dissappeared. An Oracularity appears. > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > O great inscrutable but no doubt meaningful Oracle, in response to a > > recent question, you wisely replied "GET A FKING LIFE YOU GEEK". > > Last time I checked, I had a life (and since your response mercifully > > did not include a ZOT, I probably still do). Further, it seems like > > it's in pretty fair shape, and likely to last for another 40 years > > anyway. Still, I'm sure you know best. What sort of LIFE would you > > recommend instead? (I know you said a FKING LIFE, but could you be a > > little more specific?) > > > > Thanks for your help! > > "Why have you brought me here," the Oracle asks. > "Look at this," says Lisa. "Where else are you get a job where > you can insult people like that, and then win critical acclaim for it? > I mean, Zotting supplicants left and right, telling them off!" > "Well, I-" the Oracle starts, "Is this all you have to show me?" > "No, "Lisa says, "Hold on." another Oracularity appears. > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Hey, orrie-butt! > > I'm starting a revolution against you! I'm sick > > and tired of being pushed around, insulted, and "ZOT!"ed! > > What do you think of THAT!?!?! > > "879-05?" the Oracle asks. "That's when that supplicant tried to > overthrow me. Good thing he didn't succeed. Why are you showing me > this?" but as he turns around, the ghost is gone. He is back in his > bedroom. Suddenly, a ghost in the form of Darkmage steps forward. > > "You Oracularities present, or are you really Darkmage and this > is just another lame parody like the whole Zadoc thing?" the Oracle > asks. > "I am the ghost." he says. "I would like to show you some of the > questions you're missing out on right now. Look at this." > > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > > > How much \/\/()()|) cood a \/\/()()|)( |-||_|( |< > > ( |-||_|( |< if a \/\/()()|)( |-||_|( |< cood ( |-||_|( |< > > \/\/()()|)? > > "AGH!" the Oracle screams, "I could be ZOTTING that little AOL bastard > right now." > "But I thought you hated to get mail like that?" Darkmage > replies. "Can't stand being without your little 'ZOT' time, can you?" > > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > > > > > "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo!" the Oracle screams, > but the ghost is gone. A new, cloaked figure approaches. It extends a > long, bony finger. Immediately recognizing the Ghost of Oracularities > Yet to Come, the Oracle follows. > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oh, greatest new and improved Oracle! I've loved you ever since > > 879-05! But whatever happened to that old loser Oracle that quit? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Oh, that loser I finally overthrew? > } (The New and Improved Oracle looks into a dark and musty corner, > } with a cowering, wretched old man shivering in it. > } He throws a paperweight at the man. > } > } "Hey Mr. All-Seeing! I'll be you didn't see that one coming! Hey! > } Tell me about those woodchucks! Let me hear your witty retorts now!" > } BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA........" > > The Oracle gasps at the hooded ghost, who unveils his face to show he > is the New and Improved Oracle and bursts into tears. As he looks back > up, he is back in the Oracular quarters. Zadoc is in front of him > holding out a Christmas present. > "Now master, no need to cry, if you don't like what I got you you > can just return it." Zadoc says. > "Zadoc!" cries the Oracle, "Wer'e back in business! Tell me, is > that prize turkey still hanging dead in the butchershop down the > street?" > "Yessir," replies Zadoc. > "Well run and fetch it then!" he says, "We'll send it to those > animal rights activists who wrote and asked me why I promote so much > harm to woodchucks and other animals! After that, polish up the staff, > Zadoc. We got us some Zotting to do." > You owe it to the Oracle to remember the true meaning of > Christmas. It's not the askme's, it's the tellme's. > > Dear Oracle, > I am the Ghost of Nonoracularities past. I was wondering why > this brilliant answer, in reply to "> ho hum" didn't make it. > > Spirit And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know it's sad, but the VERY first thing you should do is turn the VCR } off and go directly to Disgruntled Oracles Anonymous. It's just like a } family there. --- 976-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Really Nifty Oracle, some people have been making predictions that > the world will end on New Year's Day in 2000 (or maybe 1999), and I > have been wondering - could we get an extra hour if we all go on > daylight savings time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Truly Sapient Supplicant, even though the time of the ultimate } destruction of the Universe is carved in letters as deep as the earth } is distant from the sun in the Dining Table Of The Gods, if anything } could delay it, it is surely this sort of clever legalistic thinking } your race indulges in so abundantly. } So, although the end of the world is not as near as the cassandras } you've been listening to would have you believe, it is entirely } possible that it could be postponed through the sort of shady maneuver } you have proposed. The Gods are amazingly sympathetic to that sort of } quibbling. } } You owe the Oracle a wristwatch that keeps sidereal time. --- 976-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wondrous and amazing oracle, tell me whether Guinea pigs are > truly pigs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I really don't, why don't we ask some? } } (*The Oracle digs around his pocket, and digs out two Guinea pigs*) } } Orrie: Oink oink, oink-oink-oink? } } Guinea pigs: Oink oink. } } There you go Supplicant, you have your answer! --- 976-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Good morning campers ... > > I'm your uncle Zadoc and I welcome you to ORRIE'S HOLIDAY CAMP! > > The camp with the difference, never mind the weather, > when you come to Orrie's , the holiday's forever ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie, can you tellme? } Orrie, can you tellme? } Orrie, can you tellme? } ORRIE, CAN YOU TELLME? } } ...Do you think it's alright to leave the Staff with Uncle Zadoc? ... } } "I'm your wicked Uncle Zadoc } My intentions far from ad hoc } As I fiddle about, } Fiddle about, } Fiddle about! } } Old Orrie left me here to bed you } Gone to cs.indiana.edu } As I fiddle about, } Fiddle about, } Fiddle about!" } } Askme, tellme, } Help me, queue me } Askme, tellme, } Help me, queue me } } I boom as I answer } Make you grovel at my feet } In awe of such wisdom } Such grandness yet to meet } You'll feel me coming, } A new vibration! } For I who answer: } An Incarnation! } An Incarnation! } } I'm always right!... } } "Lisa's got the power to heal you, never fear! } Lisa's got the power to heal you, never fear! } Just a word from her lips } And the woodchucks gather near..." } } Ever since I was a young boy } I answered to the call } From Windows up to woodchucks } I thought I knew it all } But I ain't seen nothing like him } In comp.unix.internals } That all-knowin' newsgroup } rec.humor.oracle! } } He responds like a listproc } As if part of the machine } Knowing all the answers } But always keeps it clean } Cuttin' down the tellme's } When the queue is full } That all-knowin' newsgroup } rec.humor.oracle! } } He's a Usenet wizard } There has to be a twist } An usenet wizard } No digest should be missed! } } How do you think he does it? } I don't know! } What makes him so good? } } Even at my supplication, } He responds the best! } We just do the tellme's, } And he just does the rest } Got a crazy busy Priesthood } To lead us to his call, } That all-known' newsgroup } rec.humor.oracle! } } Responding to you, I get the answers } Voting on you, I get the heat } Forwarding you, I join the millions } Who are not worthy to kiss your feet } } Following you, I see your backside } On you, I see the blood stains } From you, I get the Zot Staff } From you, I get the story } } Archiving you, I get the web hits } From you, I get the glory } Digesting you, we store the good ones } Keeping the crap out of the newsfeed } } Listening to you, I learned to crochet } To find a ladder more sturdy } To post in a newsgroup so spamless } As rec.humor.oracle.d ... } } You owe the Oracle a flashing spinning mail server and 300 X terminals } bordering the stage. --- 976-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell Me Oh Oracle Who Can Rhyme Better Than Johnnie Cochran, > > What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top 10 Punch-Lines for That Joke: } } 10) A good start! } 9) Not enough sand! } 8) A waste of sand - the bottom of the sea is more efficient! } 7) One angry lawyer. } 6) The perfect spot to put rabid wolverine bait. } 5) Half of a Money Trap. } 4) A good spot for Og to have target practice with his club. } 3) Too much time to wait until high tide. } 2) A great money-maker: people pay a dollar and they get to whack } the lawyer with a mallet. } } And the number one thing you have when you have a lawyer buried up to } his neck in sand is... } } 1) About a foot too much lawyer! --- 976-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most cute and cuddley; whom I would rather hug than my > favourite teddy-bear; who is squashier than towels washed in > 'Fairy Snow' *and* tumble-dried with 'Bounce'; who is softer, > stronger and even longer than Andrex Toilet Tissue; who is > more articulate than *any* of the Teletubbies; who is more > chocolately than ... umm ... well, just *more* chocolately, > > please deign to answer a question from your humble, snivelling wretch > of a slave which, although far beyond my ability to even comprehend > (I had to consult three text books just to work out the *question*), > will, undoubtably, be to your computationally perfect (to the n-th > degree) self a mere flick of a bead on your galactic abacus ... > > I received a large number of gifts from my True Love over the festive > period, but being a mere maths graduate I couldn't manage to count > them all. Please, what is the total number of gifts I received over > the twelve days, and does the cumulative total for each day make > an interesting mathematical sequence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I can answer your question, but I think that 'true love' has } blinded you to the real feelings of your partner. I.e. } } On the first day of christmas my true love gave to me, a 'goodbye' in a } calm tone. } } On the second day of christmas my true love gave to me, two 'get lost } now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the third day of christmas my true love gave to me, three poison } letters, two 'get lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the fourth day of christmas my true love gave to me, four bashings } from her brother, three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a } 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the fifth day of christmas my true love gave to me, five lawyer's } letters, four bashings from her brother, three poison letters, two 'get } lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the six day of christmas my true love gave to me, six gangsters } threatening, five lawyer's letters, four bashings from her brother, } three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm } tone. } } On the seventh day of christmas my true love gave to me, seven letter } bombs, six gangsters threatening, five lawyer's letters, four bashings } from her brother, three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a } 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the eighth day of christmas my true love gave to me, eight hitmen } shooting, seven letter bombs, six gangsters threatening, five lawyer's } letters, four bashings from her brother, three poison letters, two 'get } lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the ninth day of christmas my true love gave to me, nine turds } a'mailed, eight hitmen shooting, seven letter bombs, six gangsters } threatening, five lawyer's letters, four bashings from her brother, } three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm } tone. } } On the tenth day of christmas my true love gave to me, ten relatives } dead, nine turds a'mailed, eight hitmen shooting, seven letter bombs, } six gangsters threatening, five lawyer's letters, four bashings from } her brother, three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a 'goodbye' } in a calm tone. } } On the eleventh day of christmas my true love gave to me, eleven armies } attacking, ten relatives dead, nine turds a'mailed, eight hitmen } shooting, seven letter bombs, six gangsters threatening, five lawyer's } letters, four bashings from her brother, three poison letters, two 'get } lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm tone. } } On the twelth day of christmas my true love gave to me, twelve hydrogen } bombs, eleven armies attacking, ten relatives dead, nine turds } a'mailed, eight hitmen shooting, seven letter bombs, six gangsters } threatening, five lawyer's letters, four bashings from her brother, } three poison letters, two 'get lost now's, and a 'goodbye' in a calm } tone. } } The 'Mathematical sequence' is of course that Mathematicians and other } nerds always have to go through the entire sequence before they get } message. And there the song ends. Which is a pity in a way as on the } thirteenth day your 'true love' will be dumped by her new boyfriend and } she'll ask you to take her back. } } You owe The Oracle a copy of Og's new book 'Og not live with female, Og } not live without female, Og not eat female'.