From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 13 13:12:28 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id NAA07557; Tue, 13 Jan 1998 13:12:28 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 13:12:28 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801131812.NAA07557@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #973 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 973 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #973 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 13:12:28 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 973 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 968 85 votes 5glrg 3lxk8 ejmn7 09iyo 2hppg fqjfa esoa9 9gqoa bowf3 4koqb 968 3.1 mean 3.4 3.1 2.9 3.9 3.4 2.8 2.7 3.1 2.7 3.2 --- 973-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do men like power tools so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, come on down to the workshop, and we'll see what we can come } up with. } } The first thing on the workbench is a hand-held drill. Turn it on, } press it against the wood, and it penetrates deeply, leaving a tight, } perfect hole. Look at that! Isn't it a beauty? } } Okay, moving on, we have a power hammer. Put the nails in here, } thrust it against the wood, and it drives the spike in, all the } way, in one powerful stroke. And you can do it over and over } again, thrusting the nails in, one after another... } } Next we come to the power sander. Hold the edge of the wood against } it, like so, and... see that nice, smooth curve? Look at the way } it fits into the hand, no sharp edges. Mmmmm! } } Power screwdriver. Look how easy it is to put the screws in. And } now back out again, with just as little effort. In, out, in, out... } I could keep this up all day! } } Scroll saw? Look how easy it is to use. It just goes up and down, } up and down, violating the pristine, virgin wood and cleaving it } right in twain. Oh, yeah! Take it all, baby! } } Errr... } } So as you can plainly see, the answer to your question is that a } man enjoys power tools because they allow him to create useful and } beautiful objects with a professional, well-crafted look. } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette. --- 973-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Morphin' Oracle: > > I missed my bus. Now what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Upgrade to a 64-bit architecture, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a Windows NT box with the DEC alpha chip. --- 973-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I have heard a rumor that Sonny > Bono's death was actually foul play, not an accident. > Apparently the trees were planted. > > Could it be true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. How many times do I have to tell } you? You write the questions, *I* write the jokes. } } > But it was one of my better ones! } } Well, that's not saying much. It is nice to see you off that awful } "Why is six afraid of seven kick?" you've been on lately; still, we } need to practice. Now: ask me a question. } } > But I already did! } } That wasn't a question! That was a somewhat tasteless old joke } rehashed to fit current events, with a feeble attempt at questioning } tacked on at the end to make it look *somewhat* respectable. } } > But it was a question! } } Egad, must you begin every sentence with the word "But?" It's only } supposed to use that way for special stylistic emphasis. And if you } emphasize *everything*, well-- } } > You're stallllllllllling! } } You haven't yet asked me a question! } } > Yes, I have! } } None worthy of my insanely valuable time. } } > Oh, come on! I've seen some of the tripe you deal with--I'm } > currently referring to the questions, not the priests, although one } > could make a case that those games you played with Kirsten and Ian } > last night, in addition to being an insult to Lisa, were less than } > productive hours, and-- } } How did you know about that? } } > Oracle, Oracle, Oracle. How many times do I have to tell you? *I* } > write the questions, you write the jokes. } } Don't you get sarcastic with me, young man! I can *ZOT* you whenever I } please. } } > That's a bluff. You'd never risk the wrath of the American Society } > for the Prevention of Cruelty to Supplicants. One peep from them, } > and Indiana U. will fall all over itself trying to fire you, lest it } > risk getting all manner of bad press. } } Curse your eyes! } } > HA HA! The balance of power has subtly shifted! Now *you* shall } > have to face my every whim, instead of the other way around! *You* } > shall have to grovel before me! *You* shall be forced to grant me } > bounty! MU HA HA HA! } } SHHH! People are staring! } } > Dance for me, you omniscient fool! } } Wait a minute. . . } } > Uh-oh-- } } I know that voice. . . } } > No! No you don't! It's just your imagi-- } } ZADOC! YOU SHALL BE GRAVELY PUNISHED FOR THIS INCIDENT! } } > Please, most omnisciently omnipotent of masters! I beseech thee, } > have mercy! } } ON WHAT GROUNDS? } } > Temporary insanity? } } *Sigh* Have you been reading self-help books again? } } > Sorry, most unsuppuratingly grandiose font of all that is springtime } > fresh. I--I just couldn't control myself. } } Yeah, yeah; I know. Still, you must do your penance; I sentence you to } carry Lisa's purchases home for her next time she goes to the mall. } } > (blanching) Oh, NO! } } That'll teach you. } } Meanwhile, you owe me a mailbomb and Deepak Chopra's home address. --- 973-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I said doo a diddie diddie dum diddie dee And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There she was, just a loggin' to the net } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } Wastes the time of Oracle with ev'ry chance she get } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } She sent mail (she sent mail) } She used pine (she used pine) } She sent mail, she used pine } Wish she just would get offline } } Before I knew it she had sent her mail to me } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } Filling my drive, as annoying as can be } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } Must be on (must be on) } AOL (AOL) } Must be on AOL } Because she didn't grovel well } } Whoooooooooaaaa! } I knew that I'd answer her mail } Yes I did } And then I'd work on a way for her hard drive to fail } } Now I get questions every hour of the day } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } And if you grovel then My help is on the way } Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } But you don't (but you don't) } So help's less (so help's less) } But you don't so help's less } Please forget my e-address } } Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo } Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo --- 973-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please complete the following limerick: > > There once was an African elephant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There once was an African elephant } Whose views were confused and ambivalent } A peacenik when sampled } But oft prone to trample } When his temperament rose to belligerent } } You owe the Oracle a limerick starting with "William and Mary of } Orange". --- 973-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why men won't ask for directions when they get lost? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } they are under the mistaken impression that, because specific parts of } themselves are slightly pointy, they act as a compass needle. --- 973-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sorry, what was that again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I said you've really got to do something about that attention deficit } problem. } } You owe the Oracle your undivided attention. --- 973-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rd ip.ay Rpajn, Ln.ao. y.nn m. ,df C jabbry go. a "<>PYF t.fxrapdv And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I know, the entire State of Maine is like that. Nevertheless, } at your age you should have known better than to lick the telephone } pole in January. They'll get to you as soon as they can. } } You owe the Oracle a snowmobile, I can see you already built...or } are...the ramp. --- 973-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can I do about slimy owls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is nothing you can do about slimy owls. This insidious breed will } reproduce wildly, driving every bird, beast and plant out of its } natural habitat, until all that's left on the Earth is a gray slime of } owls. They control everything and everyone. No one is safe. In fact, } there's one behind you right now! } } CONFIDENTIAL ORG CHART } } /-------slimy owls------\ } / | \ } Hitler's Jerry the pope } brain Springer | } | | | } CIA FBI The Elders of Zion } / \ | | } / \ | | } Martha mad cow The Internet Hillary Clinton } Stewart disease Oracle } } You didn't see that, did you supplicant? Supplicant? Oh dear, he's not } responding. Pity. --- 973-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh amazing Oracle, who knows how to make complex espresso drinks > but doesn't need to bother, > > What are people in coffeshops _for?_ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These people are employed to reduce the world coffee mountain. The } world coffee mountain is not, as it's name suggests, a rollercoaster at } Disneyland, but a growing menace to human civilisation. Let me explain } in terms that your human mind can comprehend. } } Coffee plants are the fastest reproducing plants in the world. If they } were animals, they would be rabbits. Except they don't get eaten by } foxes or hit by cars. If plants were capable of lovemaking, entire } hills in Colombia would answer the question, "Did the earth move for } you?" But you get the idea. } } Anyway, all these coffee plants produce an awful lot of coffee beans. } 284 billion tons in 1997 in fact. And that doesn't include the weight } of the jars. These beans are shipped to a small village in Nepal where } they add 300 feet to the height of the Himalayas each year. Did you } realise that the Himalayas are almost entirely made out of coffee? } Underneath, Everest is an insignificant hillock. } } For many millenia, this bilateral arrangement (whereby thousands of } tons of excess Buddhist koans are shipped to the West in return) has } suited both sides. But there is a crisis. At current rates, } Himalayaland will be in the stratosphere sometime early in the next } century. Apart from the obvious solution to give all the inhabitants } pressure suits and oxygen masks, Something Must Be Done. } } Let's go back 400 years. Sir Walter Raleigh arrives back from the } Indies with a boatload of coffee beans. The Navajo think they've got a } good deal by telling him you can drink these beans. Raleigh think he's } got a good deal by telling the Navajo you can make a nice casserole out } of these beads. The story of the Navajo "crunchy bead soup" is for } another Oracularity. } } So, he goes back to England and makes this drink out of coffee beans. } Queen Elizabeth, for whatever reason likes the drink, and everybody } else keeps their mouth shut in case they get their head chopped off, } despite the fact that it's bitter and they have to keep getting up in } the middle of the night to go for a pee. So, suddenly the entire } Western world is drinking these coffee beans. } } Now we have a solution to the problem of the coffee mountain. If people } can be persuaded to drink enough coffee, the coffee crisis can be } avoided. That is why coffee shops exist. There are many ways of giving } something back to the Community. You can go to a hospital and stand in } a queue to give a pint of blood (preferably your own.) You can do } voluntary work on a local environmental project. Some people prefer to } queue up in a coffee shop to drink a cupful of beans. } } The Navajo, by the way, still think that those crazy Palefaces drinking } coffee is hilarious. } } You owe the Oracle all the tea in China.