From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 15 15:31:14 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id PAA22791; Mon, 15 Dec 1997 15:31:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 15 Dec 1997 15:31:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199712152031.PAA22791@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #967 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 967 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #967 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 15 Dec 1997 15:31:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 967 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 962 104 votes asEk6 alyy5 1eIB8 5sRe4 3oIt4 2jzAc 37nDw 6zKf2 9yCbc 5ipAk 962 3.1 mean 2.8 3.0 3.4 2.8 3.1 3.4 3.9 2.7 2.8 3.5 --- 967-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the Frogs call biros "feathers"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, la plume de ma tante. You silly English gave them that word, you } know. } } Back in Charlemagne's time, the French had a perfectly good word for } pen--"stylo", from the Latin "stylus". "Plume" arose only after the } Norman Conquest. } } You see, when "King" Harold's pitiful ragtag "army" of broken-down } alcoholic knights and aging pederasts met William's invading forces } near Hastings, it wasn't long before they were tripping over their } broadswords, getting tangled in their chain mail, and loading their } arrows backwards on their bowstrings, with rather amusing results. The } cry "Retreat!" not yet having been borrowed from French, Harold's } commanders frantically shrieked "Run Away!", and the English army } immediately did. } } Harold was so desperate that he hurried to a nearby monastery and } forcibly conscripted every monk he found there, outfitting them with } souvenir swords from his summer vacation in Toledo, which was all the } weaponry he had left. Most of the "soldiers" were scribes rousted out } of the scriptorium, who hurriedly shoved their vellum and writing } implements into their pockets before being prodded off to the field of } battle. } } The monks stood their ground valiantly--at least until they caught } sight of the approaching French army. Instantly they divested } themselves of everything portable and hightailed it west, most of them } not stopping until around Wales or so. } } The French forces found nothing but scraps of parchment and abandoned } quill pens. William, who was something of a wit, pronounced, "Les } poulets anglais ont laissM-i leurs plumes!" -- the English chickens } have left their feathers behind! -- and in honor of his bon mot and } English cowardice, a pen has been une plume in France ever since. } } You owe the Oracle an appropriately scatological theory about why a } certain cow-patty-like baked good has been called an "English muffin" } in the USA ever since the British lost the Battle of New Orleans. --- 967-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and mighty Oracle, > who can commandeer a trunk line by pressing the * key > (on his computer) > and whose boundless wisdom knows no bounds > (to the confoundment of compilers) > ;whose endurance exceeds the limits specified in the docs > and whose general spifficity is matched only by that cardinal > number denoted by aleph[aleph[aleph[...]]] > I, a most humble and unenlighted Supplicant, > whose greatest aspirations fall short of thy toenail clippings, > beg of thee an Answer to this Question: > > If the NYNEX Yellow Pages merged with the X-Files, what would the > slogan of the resulting conglomerate be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NYNEX-Files: The Truth Is In Here. } } You owe the Oracle a link to www.four11.com. --- 967-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORACLE most wise at CS dot INDIANA dot EDU, please TELLME... > > What is the meaning of wife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not as much sex as you thought, refraining from reading newspapers } at the breakfast table, killing the spiders, in-laws, remembering } flowers on your anniversary, and leaving the seat down. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation. --- 967-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise in the ways of finance, please tell me... > > Here's a list of people who are after me: > > The Internal Revenue Service > Superior National Bank (and they're not *that* superior, I can tell > you...) > MFC First National Bank > my landlord > my bookie > Bill's House O' Booze (I think it had to do with that case of Wild > Turkey...) > Jimmy ("The Nut") Caravaggio (my loanshark) > AT&T > The Illuminati > NorWest Gas & Electric > small white mice with *really* large teeth and a desire for blood > CitiBank MasterCard (why the *hell* do they keep alternating between > upper case and lower case?) > The American Library Association > the Small Greys > The Trilaterial Commission > my Internet provider > the local public library > The AA Conspiracy > The Sons of the Elders of Cromwell > Adolph Hitler III > The Knights Templar > the people next door who keep looking at me... I mean, why are they > *looking* at me all the time! > The ghost of Calvin Klein. > The American Printing History Association > President-for-Life Idi Amin-dada > Looks-at-the-Bull > the population of Bill, Wyoming > the horror! oh, the horror! > Joseph Stalin IV > > So, what do you think, Orrie... should I bet on the Rams or the Giants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > So, what do you think, Orrie... should I bet on the Rams or the } > Giants? } } Well, as long as the Giants can keep Fafner away from that Nibelung } Gold, and Fasolt stays in there the whole time, then they won't have } any problem against a few mountain goats. } } You owe the Oracle... hell, with *that* list of creditors, I'd be } lucky to get an unwashed left sock. Good luck, dude, you'll need it. --- 967-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who knows the proper address of every photon in the > universe, please enlighten this, your most humble supplicant. > > Should I upgrade to Grovel 4.x? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good lord, supplicant! Why waste your time with Grovel 4.x? I've } installed Grovel 98beta and, I tell you son, it's great! Here, } lemme show you. Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC! } } [The Oracle waits expectantly, but nothing happens] } } Zadoc! Come here, you snivelling snotmonkey! } } [A brief pause; then the truculent figure of the Oracle's premier } priest slouches into the Oracular chamber] } } ZADOC: No need to burst a blood vessel. } } ORACLE: Where were you, worm? } } ZADOC: I was busy, wasn't I? So whaddaya want that's so all-fired } important? } } ORACLE: I want you to demonstrate your Grovel 98beta implant for } the benefit of this supplicant. } } ZADOC: What, now? } } ORACLE: You got something more important planned? } } ZADOC: As a matter of fact... } } ORACLE: Stop wasting time! Just demonstrate the damn thing. } } ZADOC: If I must. Just don't expect clean woodchuck cages tonight, } is all I can say. } } [Zadoc the Priest stands rigidly to attention, and begins pulling } a series of strange faces] } } ORACLE: What're you doing now, vermin? } } ZADOC: Have you any idea how much RAM that stupid program of yours } takes up? I have to disable most higher brain functions just } to load it. } } ORACLE: Will I notice a difference? } } ZADOC: Ha bloody ha. } } [Zadoc continues pulling facial expressions and twitching at the } extremities. He then pokes his index finger into his left ear and } makes soft whirring noises] } } ZADOC: Ready. } } ORACLE: Great - go outside and come back in when I call you. } } ZADOC: Blow this for a game of soldiers. } } [Exit Zadoc] } } ORACLE: Okay supplicant, now watch this - it'll knock you sideways! } Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC! } } [Zadoc the Priest shuffles in on his hands and knees, bumping his } forehead on the floor at regular intervals] } } ZADOC: You summoned me, oh knower of all there is to be known, seer } of all there is to be seen and fondler of all there is to be } fondled? } } ORACLE: I did. Tell me who I am. } } ZADOC: You are the sun that lights our sky by day and the stars } that guide our footsteps by night. You are the music that } enchants our ears and the succubus that makes our wet dreams } worth dreaming. Verily, you are he who knows the truth is } out there and amuses himself by keeping it hidden from Agent } Mulder. } } ORACLE: Isn't it great? Look, and you can select different modes of } grovel too. Do an Arabian Nights, Zadoc. } } ZADOC: Effendi, may the blessings of Allah and his Prophet rain down } like rose petals and lotus blossoms upon your resplendent visage! } Your knowledge, which is as boundless as the oceans - yea, may it } never be hidden from your faithful adherents, if Allah wills it - } your wisdom which, if it were written with a needle in the corner } of an eye, would cause considerable discomfort to even the most } enlightened, may it... } } ORACLE: Now a surreal one! } } ZADOC: O larsporsenian mantelpiece ornament, you are as orange as } a congeleen afro curled around the bony edges of a silver spoon } expressing its innermost desires for a lime-based detergent. } The tiny sounds of ancient bees resound forth from the forested } coercions between your toes. Were it not for the dizzy whiptail } ambivalence of your crumbling fleece, I could nev } } ORACLE: You could nev? What's that supposed to mean? } } [Zadoc stands frozen, a thin trickle of saliva appearing at the } corner of his open mouth] } } ORACLE: Blast, he's crashed! Control - Alt - Delete, Zadoc! } } [No response] } } ORACLE: I forgot to tell you, supplicant - you may need to upgrade } your hardware. Actually, that's something I should have done } years ago with this rabble that serves me. Control - Alt - } Delete, Zadoc! } } [Still no response] } } ORACLE: It's no good - this is going to need a hard reboot. Lisa! } Fetch me an ice pick! --- 967-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > el nino? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No grande dealo. --- 967-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who taught marketing to Disney, math to Bach, and > covetousness to Gates, please grant this humble supplicant the smallest > moment of your attention. > > I've been bored at work lately, which I suppose is why I've had pretty > good luck at getting my oracularities into the digests. Why is it that > only my boring and obvious oracularities make it in, and not my clever > witty ones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well done, you've made it again. --- 967-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On oracle most wise, who's saliva is the elixir of youth, > > I was recently given a gift containing a tube of "Hand Cream" from the > "Body Shop". > > What is the supposed purpose of pureed digits? > Whose hands do they make this from? > And how was a company who's business is to sell products of human > origin ever allowed to start? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, } You may have heard of the infamous "Donner Party", who got caught } on a mountain pass trying to get to the West Coast (of the US), and were } forced to resort to cannibalism to stay alive. Well, after that nasty } little incident, the party faded into relative obscurity. But the } story didn't stop there. } Ralph, the overweight leader of the party (and incidentally, the } only one left at the end), decided he liked the taste of his fellow } comrades and saw the possibility for monetary gain in human products. } Opening a small shop in California (the only place this sort of thing } could EVER possibly start), he decided on the name "For Human } Consumption" and cleverly hid the true nature of his products under the } guise of clever names like "Ladyfinger Sandwiches" and "Open-Face Club". } Eventually, he expanded to cosmetic and toiletry products, his } enterprise spanning the entire United States. Renaming the business } "The Body Shop", Ralph succeeded in hiding the true nature of his } products. } And what is that, you might ask? Well, let's just say that } supplicants that have particularly annoyed me have had the habit of } disappearing, around the same time Ralph releases a new product... } And if I were you, I'd keep this to yourself, or Ralph may introduce } a new breakthrough product to the market, if you get my drift. } } You owe the Oracle nothing, PROVIDED you stay on your best behavior... } you've been warned. --- 967-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle Database, > > Please take a few minutes to participate in our year 2000 survey. > Include your opinion and number of years programming experience. For > non-programmers, post your opinion, results will be tabulated > separately. > > 0: No problem. Nothing will happen. > 1: Minor problems, most systems fixed on time, others soon after. > 2: Major problems, business systems and activities cut by triage. > 3: Several business system failures, partial loss of infrastructure. > 4: Widespread business failures, partial loss of infrastructure. > 5: Total collapse of global economy, major loss of infrastructure. > 6: Significant deaths from disease, starvation, cold, pillaging. > 7: Loss of government control, civil insurrection, riots, looting. > 8: Reorganization at regional level, some pre-industrial reversion. > 9: Limited civil and international warfare, widespread loss of life. > 10: Opportunistic military conquest leading to nuclear winter. > > Thanks, and have a nice day. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Survey Taker, } Due to the fact that I am an omniscient being, your mortal mind } could not comprehend the number of years of experience I have in } programming systems. Here's a hint, though: I was the project lead on } Dinosaur 14,000,000BC. } As for your little year 2000 problem, you people have no idea what } you're up against, judging by the scale you've presented me. Nuclear } winter, indeed. You see, the subquantum energy of millions of } computers halting simultaneously will dramatically affect the area of } space around Earth, sending out a rippling ethereal shock wave of level } 4 magnitude. Now, since your civilization doesn't rely on ethereal } energy in any way, you will experience no significant changes, although } your household pets may act peculiar for a while and you'll never get } your hair to look quite the same again. } The Keltharans, on the other hand, will be devestated. The } ethereal shock wave, moving faster than light, will hit their system } approximately 11 years later, destroying the interstellar drive and } halting the subquantum processor of every explorer vessel in the } sector. On the homeworld, chaos will result as the mother computers } crash, no longer regulating the atmosphere. Their population will } dwindle to a scant thousand, who will rebuild their world with nothing } but loath and hatred for the people who had done this to them. The } unknown source of the shock wave will be insulted and hated in ballads } for decades. Finally, when they regain interstellar travel and build a } massive battle fleet, they will travel to Earth, casually wipe out a } third of the population and enslave the rest. } So, in response to your survey, I'd pick the number 35182. Though } it won't happen until around 2084 or so. } You owe the Oracle more government funding for solutions to the } Year 2000 problem... I sort of like your little species, and I'd hate } to see anything happen to it... --- 967-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, wise beyond measure, intelligent beyond belief, > > How can I find true happiness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Balance your checkbook. (Honestly, this time!) } Buy yourself a bunch of flowers. (If not you, then who?) } Adopt a large, grown-up, grouchy cat from the Humane Society. (If not } you, then who?) } Talk back to the television. } Better, yet, don't *watch* television. } Read a good book. } *Write* a good book. (It's not *that* hard!) } Don't answer the telephone. Ever. } Visit your mother. If she died, visit your father. If *he* died, visit a } nursing home. They need you. } The next time some pandhandler asks you for "spare change," take him or } her to a diner and buy him a cup of coffee and a couple of bowls } of soup. } Go to a coin shop and buy a gold coin worth $200 or $300 (or as much as } you can afford). The next time you pass by a Salvation Army } kettle, drop the coin in. Don't take it off your taxes. } Call up someone you're really angry at and apologize. Even if you are } right and they are wrong, apologize. } Drive to a neighborhood at least five miles away and shovel the sidewalk } for a complete stranger. } Sit down and have a good cry. } Go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and fix coffee. Stay to listen to } the stories. } Visit a church you've never been to before. Stay after the service and } talk to the people who belong to that church. } Stand outside a local hospital with a bunch of flowers and give it to } the first person who walks out the door. Kiss them on the cheek } and leave without saying a word. It'll freak them out. } The second time some pandhandler asks you for "spare change," take off } your coat, your hat, your boots and your gloves. Kneel down } before them and lay all of those things before their feet. Stand } up and walk away, without a word. } Volunteer to help a Girl Scout or Boy Scout troop. } Set your alarm and get up at 3:00 a.m. Take off all your clothes. Go out } into the back yard and look at the sky. Don't stay long, or } you'll catch a cold. } Call up your best friend and tell that person that you love them. } The next time you're in the grocery store, buy a sack of rice or a } toothbrush or a box of diapers and donate it to the Salvation } Army. } } In other words, live outside yourself. Give. Care. Try. Belive. } } You think this stuff is easy? Forget it! Happiness is hard! Death is } easy. } } This particular incarntion of the Oracle is an old, broken-down, } alcoholic, bankrucpt guy who does his darnest to make every day he } has left as happy as he can. Everything in this list, I have done. } It's never over until it's over. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to attend church at the late service } on December 24th. And, no, I *don't* care if you believe or not. Go. } Do you want to be happy? Fine! Go! The world is ruled by the people } who show up. So, show up!