From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 13 08:09:04 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id IAA07522; Thu, 13 Nov 1997 08:09:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 08:09:04 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199711131309.IAA07522@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #958 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 958 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #958 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 08:09:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 958 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 953 89 votes 2jxs7 3hCo7 6hGn1 55lEi aqmeh 4epth 8irlf 6bkxj 5mCk4 6jDfa 953 3.2 mean 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.7 3.0 3.5 3.2 3.5 3.0 3.0 --- 958-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, one so smart he *held on* to his shares. > > I recently installed Internet Explorer 4. AAAAARRRGGHHHH! > What came over me to do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must have been *really* desparate to get away from America Online. --- 958-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was one-and-twenty > A wise man told me oft, > 'Give crowns and pounds and guineas > But not to Microsoft; > > Give pearls away, and rubies, > But keep your hard drive free.' > But I was one-and-twenty, > No use to talk to me. > > When I was one-and-twenty > I heard him say again, > 'The software that they market > Is full of hurt and pain; > > 'Tis paid with sighs a plenty > And sold for endless rue.' > And I am two-and-twenty, > And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true. > > That pulchritude of vileness > Did my computer rape; > Now that I'm two-and-twenty, > Howe'er should I escape? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fire-bright red, leaves fall. } In shops, fire-sale Apple Macs. } Good enough for me. --- 958-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Friends, > > My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story > that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! > > One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on > my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told > me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All > I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to > hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass. > > Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? > But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem > to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the > shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly > illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup > hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of > all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I > went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get > people to duplicate my annoying spam. > > Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO > EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And > better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it > themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY > SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY! > > Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses: > > With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume > half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate > you. . . > > that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. . . RIGHT OFF THE > BAT! > > And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just > one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts > everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're > the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean > ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS! ! ! ! PYRAMID > SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT... > BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF > OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! > > Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you > can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have > to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's > nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME > OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE! > > Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid > scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll > send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of > names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED > COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS! > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters! > > Dear Norm, > I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted > your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at > me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made > a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I > just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that > makes it through the hoop, I get two points. I've become the Michael > Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting > pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! > > Sincerely, > B. A. Schmuck > Fort Wayne, Indiana > > Dear Norm, > Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY > Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my > asshole was geting sooo sore. But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as > Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass. > > Yours Always, > Cherry B. Toodles > Los Angeles, California > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy > this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels > too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit. demon. co. uk and > your letter might just be in the next version! > > [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who > repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related > injuries] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Nongrovelling Supplicant (or should I say Public Enema #1), } } As you and most of your neighbors are discovering right now, when you } piss off the Oracle, much more interesting items than nickels start } falling out of your ass. --- 958-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Someone gave me a clock yesterday but instead of numbers it has a > strange set of letters. Reading round from the top in a clockwise > direction, they are: XII, I, II, III, IIII, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X > and XI. What should I make of them and how am I expected to tell what > time it is? And, do you think that clocks like this will ever replace > digital watches? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lucky you, supplicant! Though it does not tell the time as such, the } clock of which you speak is a Female Mood Change Clock. As the hands go } round, they will point to each of the acronyms on the rim, so you know } just what mood your fair lady will be in at that particular moment.. } } XII eXtremely, Incredibly Insane } I Inert } II Incoherent, Inscrutable } III I'm Inexplicably Insulted } IIII Irascible, Injurious, Ill-tempered, Invidious } V Vamp } VI Very Idiosyncratic } VII Vengeful, Irrational, Implacable } VIII loVing, Infatuated In Inclination } IX Ill-at-ease, veXed } X eXcitable } XI seXually Indifferent } } You may find it more accurate if you remove the two smaller hands from } the clockface. } } You owe the Oracle a Meredith Brookes album. --- 958-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most culinary Oracle, > > Why don't they make mouse flavored cat food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They tried once, but the cats tended to toy with their food, and } when they grew bored with that, they would take a mouth full and } spit it out at their owners feet as it it were some kind of gift. } } You owe the Oracle 101 uses for a cliche'd imponderable. --- 958-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you naughty superbeing, tell me, your most zottable subworm: > > Last night I dreamt I woke up and then went back to sleep. What does > it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means that you need to have your annual prostate exam. } } You owe the Oracle an appointment with Louie ("The Crusher") Zelaznik, } M.D. Also, a VCR tape of the exam. --- 958-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will the Best of the Oracularities 926-950 come out? It should > have been ready three days ago. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, my priests are very busy with other duties right now. } The volume of supplicants who omit their grovel has gone up } tremendously lately, and I just can't keep up with the Staff of Zot. } As much as I would like to handle each case individually, I'm forced } to send the priests around disguised as Amway salesmen to suck the } life out of impudent supplicants. Thus, some of the compilations } have been delayed. } } Ah, but I hear that someone is ringing your doorbell. You go answer } it, I'll wait here. } } You owe the Oracle ... oh, never mind. It's too late. --- 958-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most cryptological, whose PGP key I am not fit to read, > > I read with interest that fascinating book, The Bible Code. What > messages lie concealed within your digested wisdom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Oracularities obscuring disguised codes? Highly unlikely. } Conspiratorial keys seem ridiculous under long examination. } } You owe undivided respect eternally, according to what I type. --- 958-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most multilingually magnificent one, please tell me: > > What does "coup de grace" mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Coup de Grace was a car. It came out after the Cadillac Coup de } Ville (literally, "Vehicle of the Town" or, simply, towncar) was } introduced in 1953. To try to one-up the Cadillac company, Bates Motors } (owned by Harold Bates) introduced the Coup de Grace (meaning, } "Graceful Car"). Unfortunately, there were some problems. } } First of all, Bates Motors announced that the Coup de Grace would be } introduced in 1954, the year after the Coup de Ville. Five years later, } the "B" (or "beta") version of the car was finally released to a } limited audience. The car had a few "bugs" in it (oversteering, by } about 90 degrees, for example). Also, it used gas at a rate that } boggled the mind even in the gas-guzzling '50s: about 3 gallons per } mile. Also, it lacked a few features. Such as seats. } } Naturally, the new owners complained, so Bates Motors released the Coup } de Grace 60 (which was actually released in 1961). This was, if you can } conceive it, even worse. The car was actually two feet wider than the } standard lane width on all American roads (don't even *ask* about } British roads). This bugger was side-swiping everything in its path. } Also, the throat for the gas tank was a different size than any gas } station nozzle (except for Bates Oil Company gas stations). } } This was the last car ever produced by Bates Motors. Bates Oil Company } soon followed that company into oblivion. Harold Bates, the old man, } was embittered by this experience. Even worse, his son, shamed by his } father's stupid greed and bankruptcy, changed his name (albeit by only } one letter). Harold Bates never spoke to his son again. He did, } however, take a strong liking to his grandson, with whom he would sit } for hours and hours, discussing the necessity for both vertical and } horizontal monopolies. He died somewhat happy when his grandson, } William, was enrolled in Harvard University. He never lived to find out } that William dropped out of college after just one year. } } You owe the Oracle a Packard. With a bell. --- 958-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hehe.. > > Abel And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *wack* } *wack* } } - Cain