From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Oct 10 09:26:49 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id JAA17885; Fri, 10 Oct 1997 09:26:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 09:26:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710101426.JAA17885@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #949 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 949 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #949 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 09:26:49 -0500 (EST) @@@ Happy Birthday, Internet Oracle! @@@ @@@ The Internet Oracle celebrated it's 8th birthday Wednesday, 8 October @@@ 1997. Best wishes to all the supplicants, incarnations, priests @@@ voters, and readers -- you are the Oracle. To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 949 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 944 95 votes hhskd 7mHh6 0iBua 0bByd iste6 5rut4 3igxp 9aumo 3mIl5 2grBd 944 3.2 mean 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.5 2.6 3.0 3.6 3.4 3.0 3.5 --- 949-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I am soon going to the gynecologist for the first > time. What is going to happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A gymecologist, hmm? } } Well, when I was in Oracular graduate school, I knew somebody who was } studying the ecology of gyms. His major interest was in the molds and } fungi growing in the showers. Not to mention the staph cultures you } could find growing in the lockers. Then there was the air flow } problems you got from the guys punching holes in the partitions to see } into the girls' side. I personally was horrified to learn that the } effects of the UV radiation from gymnasium lighting were just... } } What's that, Zadoc? A GYNecologist? Oh, well... } } When I was in Oracular divinity school, my roomate was studying the } ecological niches occupied by gyns... } } You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid. --- 949-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great keeper of the cheese, finder of lost gloves, stitcher of time, > etc: > > Why is that chicken in the bread pan, kicking out dough? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To get to the other side? [rimshot] } } Seriously, though, that chicken is venting its frustration at the } sad turn of events its life has taken. Born and raised in the } Vatican City, it was purchased by a visiting baker and taken to } its new home in America. The chicken had heard many tales of } America: its streets paved with golden corn, sports stadiums } and publishers named after its species (such as Henway Park and } Bantam Books), and so on; so it looked forward with anticipation } to the new life it was to have. } } But to its dismay, it soon found that its life was confined to } wandering around the baker's kitchen, being warned not to cross } the road, and hearing the baker and his wife speak with concern } about the possibility that their young boy (just entering } puberty) would soon begin choking it! } } As you can imagine, this was quite a different turn of events } than it expected, so in its bitterness it decided to ruin the } livelihood of the baker who had devastated its life. It wanted } to turn to a life of crime as an evil supervillain, but (lacking } hands) it had no way to put a capon. [rimshot] } } So it has to content itself with its meager revenge, ruining } batch after batch of dough by kicking it out of the bread pans. } } After all, you shouldn't mistreat the Chicken of the See... --- 949-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, obscenely Oracular: > > I just received a supplication which I submitted a perfectly good > answer to a couple days ago. However, the supplicant had the nerve to > resubmit the question! Isn't that an outrage? > > Anyway, I was just wondering what the proper response is when one > receives a metaphorical slap in the face of this sort. Should I: > > * commit hara-kiri? > * dedicate my life to the destruction of the fiendish fool? > * get in a RoyalRage (tm) and WHIP OUT AN UZI and spray the place? > * do 100 Hail Orries and promise never to offend again? > * eat a quart of Ben and Jerry's and forget the whole thing? > > Thus far, my inclination is towards the last response, but then, that's > *always* my inclination. So, what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } I understand your rage. However you must understand that some people } are not as intellectually equipped as yourself and therefore must ask } the same question over and over again in order to understand the } answer. } } In future when you happen across a similar situation, conduct the } following ceremony: } } 1. Stand up. } 2. Take the nearest cylindrical object and insert it up your left } nostril. } 3. Run around a tight circle shouting "whoop, whoop, look at my } grapefruit". Repeat three times. } 4. Stand completely still. Place your right hand in the air and scream } "Jello" at your PC\Mac } 5. Sit down. } } This process with either; (i) cause the sender of the recurring } question to lose control of their bladder, or (ii) make you so } embarrassed that you forget about the stuttering supplicant. } } You owe the oracle three hundred words on the relationship between } stupidity and ones' proximity to a senator at the time of birth. } } BTW Stay away from the B&J. Its been proven to increase navel lint. --- 949-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Powerful Oracle, who can get himself out of anything he gets into > without breaking a sweat, please answer my humble question. > > I am a British secret agent. So far I have: > > - Been in a knife fight on the outside of an airborne aircraft (3 > times). > > - Disarmed 15 bombs (5 nuclear) within 5 seconds of detonation by > yanking a wire and praying. > > - Been captured by the enemy on every single mission. However, they > decide not to just shoot me, but explain their evil plan, and then > kill me creatively, for example, chaining me to a nuclear bomb. > (see previous note) > > - Jumped from an airplane seconds before impact 12 times. > > - Been in four fist fights with guys who keep smiling when you hit them > in the head with a steel bar (I think they like it). > > - Had sex with hundreds of women without getting any nasty diseases. > > - Had over 47,000,000 bullets, 500 rockets, and a heat seeking missile > shot at me. (They all missed) > > - (lots of other stuff, I could go on all day) > > - I have yet to get my hair messed up. > > Am I pushing my luck? > > Sincerely, James Bond 007. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So, meester Bond, we meet at last. } } I have heard much of your illustrious career. } Such a shame you must soon be taking early retirement. Mu ha ha ha. } } Would you care for a drink? My personal assistant Zadoc is expert at } mixing dry martinis. } A cigarette? A - ah. No, I insist, have one of mine. } } Let me tell you a little of my operations here, before Zadoc } introduces you to my pet Behemoth. } } Behind you, in this vast room, my operations staff are controlling the } release of my oracularities to the world. } Each incomprehensible flashing light represents another message } winging its way to an unsuspecting supplicant. } } Little do they know that the pattern made by the contents spread } across the globe, form an intricate circuit that in five minutes time } will cause the sea level to rise by 9000 feet, killing everyone except } those of us here in my subterranean headquarters! } } Incidentally, this console here with the prominent red button is } connected to a large self-destruct device, just in case I need to blow } up my hideout for any reason. Not that any reasons spring to mind, you } understand. } } Anyhow, enough of this idle chit-chat. It is feeding time in my } mythical menagerie. Perhaps you would care to take part in the feeding } process? Mu ha ha ha. } } Zadoc, Take him away. } Wait! Don't unlock his handcuffs yet! No! You fool! } } Aaach! Not the red button! You madman, Bond! Now we shall all be } killed! } (excepting those of us who have a personal escape submarine, naturally) } } Curses! Foiled again! No matter, I will return! } } You owe the Oracle a brand new island paradise, and a course of acting } lessons. --- 949-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really you supplicants are losing your respect for me. No grovel no } decent question. Anyway I will answer it. } } The imagery seen in this question harks back to the Nazca lines in the } Mexican desert. These lines were put down to guide the gods from other } planets to Earth to dispense knowledge and wisdom. Or so people think. } Supplicant, you may already know that these lines are in fact a hoax. } Like the crop circles in the UK I put these lines here, it's kind of an } etch-a-sketch for the gods, just we forgot to shake the planet around } to remove them. Last time we did clear the lines away so we could have } another game of battleships all the dinosaurs disappeared so we figured } we'd better not do it again. That's why they appear all over the } place. } } You owe the Oracle a minature of Stonehenge. --- 949-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most/least and otherwise. > Explain this to me. > > Considering Entropy, why does life exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suppose there's really only one way to find out: Hold on a sec -- } } [click] } } Okay, entropy's off. Let's see what effects we can discover. } } [The Oracle walks outside to the IU campus, where a flustered motorist } is sitting in his car.] } } Oracle: Good day, sir! Have you noticed any unusual side effects } that might be explained by a sudden lack of entropy? } } Motorist: A lack of what? } } O: Entropy. The stuff that makes perpetual motion impossible? } } M: Never heard of it. All I know is that my car won't shut off. } } O: Well, of course! Without any entropy, it -- } } M: Look, I'd love to sit and talk, but I'm wasting gas here. } } O: You're not really burning the gas any more. See, the pistons -- } } M: [drives off] } } O: How rude! Here comes another student now, coasting along on her } rollerblades. Excuse me, miss, I wonder if I might have a minute } } Rollerblader: HELP! I CAN'T SLOW DOWN! AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! } [skates past the Oracle] } } O: What's gotten *in* to these people? Maybe this fellow will help: } } Physics student: Hey dude, what's with the toga? } } O: Never mind what I'm wearing. Have you noticed any unusual effects } lately? } } P: You mean like things being frictionless and stuff? } } O: Yes! Now, how does that relate to your existence? Does it give } you any existential sense of meaning? } } P: Yeah, it makes my physics homework a lot easier. } } O: Come again? } } P: Look at this problem: "A 50kg mass is attached to a frictionless } pulley at the top of a 60 degree slope...." Before I would have } had to do a bunch of math to solve this problem. Now all I need is } a 50kg mass and a steep hill. } } O: I suppose that's something. } } To answer your question, supplicant, it appears that, without entropy, } things would be even more chaotic than before -- unless you're a } physics student, in which case they'd be easier. I don't know if that } answers your question, but there it is. } } You owe the Oracle a reminder to turn entropy back on. --- 949-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty meteorological one, why is it so hot in Texas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hell is outsourcing, and Texas put in the lowest bid. } } Many of the damned are complaining, however, that they would never } have sinned had they known that they would be condemned to eternal } Texas. Sartre's comment, "Hell is other people", is nowhere more } true than there. Satan has promised a full review, but since his } demons are currently being Facilities Managed by Andersen } Consulting, don't expect any quick decisions. Or indeed, any } decision at all. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket out of "The Morning Star State". --- 949-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most high, please tell me how one can bring an end to the > 'TellyTubbies'. > > Alternatively, if you're incarnated as one of our colonial friends, > 'Barney' would be a good substitute for disposal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, it can't be done. I received this exact question from someone } last year sometime. The "colonial friends" comment got me thinking. } I realized, much to my surprise, that the Limeys do still have a few } minor colonies scattered here and there that they haven't lost yet. So } I rounded up the TellyTubbies AND Barney, took them to my favorite } British colony, and buried them alive. } } In retrospect, Mount Soufriere was probably not the best location. } } At the first eruption of this supposedly-extinct volcano, the victims } were forcibly ejected from their tombs. They nearly achieved a } geosynchronous orbit before landing in Japan. Splashdown was } in the middle of a highway, directly between an electronics plant } and the place that makes all the "Hello Kitty" stuff. They were } bruised and itching for revenge. } } Six months later, the first Tamagotchi hit the market. Now they've } reached the USA. If they're not in Britain yet, it's surely only } a matter of a very small amount of time. } } Be afraid, supplicant, be very afraid. } } The worst part is that I can never show my face in Monserrat (what's } left of it) again. } } You owe the Oracle a British colony, someplace warm and volcano-free. --- 949-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omniscient Oracle who knows my question before it has even formed > in my mind, answer this. What will my third next question be? > > Please accept my fourth question in payment. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ********************** OERT Advisory Bulletin ********************* } } The Oracle Emergency Response Team (OERT) has become aware of the } following security threat to all Oracle versions. } } Summary } ------- } } A program known as 'Lobotomize_Oracle' has been detected in one } of our Oracle systems. This program exploits a bug common to all } Oracle versions resulting in a compulsive desire to answer any and all } questions posed by a 'supplicant'. Programs such as 'Lobotomize_Oracle' } are so sophisticated as to pass the Turing Test, resulting in grave } security vulnerabilities in the target Oracle. The program in question } will frame a question in the form of a payment; 'Lobotomize_Oracle' } has been decompiled and the resulting code ('supplicant.c') has been } found to contain an infinitely iterating loop in which the 'payment' } question will pose another (n+1) question along with a payment in } the form of yet another (n+2) question. } } Impact } ------- } } This program will result in a denial-of-service attack against the } target Oracle, preventing it from answering legitimate questions. } Older generation Oracles may as well dump core, resulting in a further } security breach, allowing the supplicant-hacker Oracle root access. } } Fixes } ------ } } A patch has been designed which will provide the target Oracle with } the following code: 'According to the Oracle Systems Manual, Version } 132e+12 (Patch Level 12058), the Oracle is not obliged to answer any } questions posed to him/her which are framed in the form of a payment. } This directive supercedes all previous versions of the OSM.' } } Upon application of this patch, a copy of this bulletin will be sent } in reply to the suppicant-hacker as well as to all oracle.security.* } newsgroups. In addition, the following line will be appended to the } message: 'Payment: You owe the Oracle a cure for the 'Good Times!' } virus.' } } It is also recommended that the supplicant-hacker be sent a rousing } ZOT! up the ol' IO-port. } } ****************** End of Bulletin ******************************** } } Payment: You owe the Oracle a cure for the 'Good Times!' virus. --- 949-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, > Why O Why is it so hard to find a good nickel candy bar anymore? > > Perplexed and Poor And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There never has been a good nickel candy bar. You just end up breaking } your teeth. } } You owe the Oracle a good cobalt lollipop.