From oracle-request Tue Aug 12 00:10:37 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id AAA15195; Tue, 12 Aug 1997 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199708120510.AAA15195@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #929 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 929 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #929 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 929 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 924 104 votes 8lAof 5hxuj 6aiGs 39loL bBwl3 37kCA lKne0 aDAh2 coqrf 7syle 924 3.2 mean 3.2 3.4 3.7 4.0 2.7 3.9 2.3 2.6 3.1 3.1 --- 929-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH! high netted one; giver of heart, finder of courage, pointer to ~, > having a brain. > > Please bestow me the knowing, has Bill Gates made enough money to buy > his soul back from the Devil, or should we just give him Sun. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, Bill Gates can't buy his soul back from the Devil } with money -- however, he can get it back through luring } souls to hell in his place. } } You see his plan is to plant seeds of evil all of the world, } which will bother people just enough to take out aggressions } on their friends, who take it out on their friends, etc. } Tiny ripples of evil spreading all over. } } This seed is known as "Win95", and at last count, had spread } enough evil to buy back hundreds of souls. } } You owe it to the Oracle to use a RISC based machine. --- 929-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O solemn yet hilarious Oracle, who sees the humor in all things, > > Which are better: elephant jokes or knock-knock jokes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I prefer one-liners, actually. --- 929-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What were the most important moments in the Battle of Gettysburg? This > isn't for homework. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's good. I hate homework. } } There were three important moments in the Battle of Gettysburg. First } came the attack by the North, which was known as the Tet Offensive } because of the North's chronic shortage of "Tet", a popular deodorant } of the day. During the early minutes of the attack, fully one-tenth of } the South's forces were killed and the remainder were thoroughly } dispersed. } } The battle continued uneventfully until Tuesday, when the South's } reinforcements arrived and began to push back the North. This upset the } North, who cried "Hey, stop that!" to which the South said "You started } it!" This quickly degenerated into "Did so!", "Did not!", "Did so no } reversals!", "No reversals doesn't count in wartime!", and "Does too!" } } Finally, on Sunday, after the big game, around dinnertime, the South } began to retreat. This was often said to be the turning point in the } entire war. It wouldn't have been the turning point except that North } had missed the sign thirty minutes back, and then kept arguing that the } turn was just about to come up, thereby dragging the whole war for } another twenty miles, all the time threatening to "just turn this war } around if you can't keep things quiet." } } You owe the Oracle a twelve-part series on PBS. --- 929-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Welcome to the Burger Czar, where the burgers are! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll have a char-broiled Peasant Burger, Imperial Fries, and } a Fair Shake. Oh, wait a minute, that's not on your menu... } Gimme a child-size vodka, then. Oh, and a dozen Despotic } Doughnuts too, please, to go. You don't allow take-out } orders? Well I guess I don't have any choice then - I'll } eat here. } } You owe the Oracle a passport and an exit permit. --- 929-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey there Omnipotent One! One moment while I drop to my belly in a an > abject grovel... > > No doubt for the zillionth time (Please don't ZOT): > > Was this whole Apple/Microsoft deal thing your doing? It seems very > characteristic of your style... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Close, but no cigar. } } (Scene: the checkout at Toys'R'Us(tm), somewhere in Seattle. An } ancient whitebearded man joins a line just behind a couple with a } young toddler in a pushchair: the Internet Oracle (for it is he) } observes them for a few moments, then realises that they are Bill and } Melinda Gates with baby Jennifer. He taps Bill on the shoulder.) } } IO: Long time no see, Bill! The contact lenses almost had me fooled. } } BG: Oh, hi! Yeah, that was a good piece of advice, Orrie, what brings } you here? } } IO: I'm low on batteries for the ZOT staff. You wouldn't believe how } many woodchuck-fanciers there are. Hello Melinda, it's really nice } to see you again. (Stoops to pushchair) And helllloooo Jen- Jen- } Jenny- Jenny- Jennifer! } } MG: Hi, Orrie. } JG: Gooogooogooo! } IO: Ouch! Ow! } } MG: Jennifer, let go! Let go the nice man's beard! I'm sorry, Orrie, } she doesn't understand "not-mine" yet, anything she wants she just } reaches out and grabs. } } IO: Can't think where she gets that from. And what brings you all down } from the mansion? } } BG: Well, Jennifer's looking around and exploring and everything, so we } reckoned it was time to start showing her words and letters and } things, and I said - } MG: And I said no, Bill, you learnt from a picture book and it didn't } do *you* any harm - } BG: - she's right of course, so here we are. And this is rather a nice } one. } } IO: Ah yes, a traditional alphabet picture book. "A is for..." } } Omigods. } } (BG and MG look at each other, then start laughing out loud) } } MG: Riiiight! I told Bill to go and buy an A is for Apple picturebook } for Jennifer - } BG: - and I was busy, and asked a secretary to do it, and she misheard } MG: - and the next thing Bill knew - } BG: - was I had this note "MacWorld keynote speech by video, invoice } for $150M follows, love Steve"! } } (BG and MG collapse laughing) } } IO: Well, I sure wouldn't like to be in *that* secretary's shoes! } } BG: Hey, rich men are supposed to collect works of art. She just gets } called curator from now on. } } IO: And what about Apple? } } BG: We've already booked Steve as the conjurer for Jennifer's 5th } birthday party. By that time she'll know better than to break } her toys. } } IO: Ouch! Ow! } } You owe the Oracle some insanely wonderful false hair and theatrical } adhesive. --- 929-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who is probably compatible with every hardware and > software system known to mankind, pease advise me. I have a Mac IIsi > with a 68030 CPU, and I understand that OS 8 won't run on my Mac > because OS 8 requires at least a 68040. As I see it, I have the > following choices: > > * try to upgrade my IIsi to a 68040 CPU > * buy a new Mac > * live without OS 8 > * switch to a PC > * commit hara-kiri > > Which would you say is the best alternative, or, if there isn't a best > alternative, can you advise me as to the pros and cons of each. > (Regarding the last one, would I have to do it right away? We have a > deadline coming up at work, and I'd hate to leave everyone in the > lurch.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Technically, your *best* alternative is to sneak aboard the Space } Shuttle Discovery on October 25th, 1999, and then convince the crew not } to land until September 3rd -- but you didn't ask about that, so I } won't bore you with the details. Here are the pros and cons for the } options you've listed: } } * Upgrade to a 68040 CPU. } Pros: Cheap. Roughly a 40% speed boost. } Cons: Replaces your six-years-out-of-date CPU with a } *five*-years-out-of-date CPU. Won't be able to } to run the Rhapsody OS when it comes out in '98, } so you'll have the same problem all over again } next year. Can't run PowerPC software, either. } } * Buy a new Mac. } Pros: Not as expensive as you might think. With the } G3-based machines just around the corner, prices } are falling rapidly on 604e-based Macs; Power } Computing's PowerCenter Pro 180, for example, is } only $1695 -- and it runs about eight times faster } than your IIsi. Will be able to run Rhapsody. } Cons: You don't *have* $1695; if you did, you wouldn't } still have a IIsi in the first place. } } * Live without OS 8. } Pros: Free. } Cons: Boring. Half the fun of having a computer is } getting to do new things with it; your life will } go on even if you're not running the latest } version of the Mac OS, but you'll find that you } spend a lot of time wishing you were. } } * Switch to a PC. } Pros: Conformity. } Cons: Conformity. Bill Gates gets your immortal soul. } } * Commit hara-kiri. } Pros: The Japanese consider it an honorable way to die. } Cons: Messy and slow. Bill Gates gets your immortal soul. } } You owe the Oracle $1695. --- 929-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is the master of all he sees and hears, and is more > clever than Micheal Jackson's plastic surgeon, tell this most humble > supplicant the BIG question. What is the meaning of life? (And please > dont say "Forty-two") And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* } } I gave you writing, so you wouldn't keep asking me the same } question over and over again. Then, when there were too many of } you, I gave you the printing press. After a while, there were too } many of you again, so I gave you radio. You just kept on increasing, } so I gave you TV, although that was a mistake - too much MTV and not } enough PBS. Finally I gave you the Internet, but it's becoming } clear you weren't ready for that one. } } I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to make my first answer to } this question, "go forth and multiply." I should have gone with my } first instinct and said it in two words, total seven letters. } } In your case, the meaning of life is to serve as an example to } others of the dangers of unrestricted net access. } } (See also: 899-07, 891-05, 843-07, 840-08, 825-01, 824-08.....) } } You owe the Oracle a search of the past Digests before asking your } next question. --- 929-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most holy Oracle, whose dust-crusted sandals I am less than worthy > to clean with my Scooby-Doo toothbrush.... > > I've heard a rumor that, just like the year 2000 problem everyone is > having, the Oracle will have problems once the Internet-Oracluarities > list reaches 1000. We are currently on 922 and I was wondering what > to do about it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ironically enough, it will have an unusual effect. Due to a small } glitch in the oracularity server, it will take anyone who has } asked more than a certain number of questions, without answering } the questions they receive, a question of its own. The net result } will be, simply put, nearly every member of America Online who has } participated in the Oracularity concept will be asked "hO\/\/ /\/\uCh } \/\/00d \/\/oU1d a \/\/o0dC/-/uck cHuck 1f a w00dc|-|Uc|< <0u|d C\-\uCk } \/\/oOd?" And they will receive it several hundred times, overloading } the server and causing a nationwide AOL busy signal. (If you get a } busy signal around that time, now you know the REAL reason). } } Personally, I'm looking forward to it. What can you do to prepare...I } would suggest first answering EVERY question that comes, and if you're } on AOL...PRAY. } } You owe the oracle an evil cackle delivered under a full moon. --- 929-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, > is he still wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Master..." } "Yes, Grasshopper?" } "It's a koan, isn't it?" } "Very good, Grasshopper. And what does the koan mean to you?" } "Well, Master, I think it's sort of like the old riddle." } "Which old riddle, Grasshopper?" } "The one that goes, 'How many feminists does it take to change a } light bulb?'" } "And what is the answer, Grasshopper?" } "The answer is, 'That's not funny!'" } "And what does it mean?" } "It means that feminists have a trait in common with other } unreasonable fanatics: as a general rule, they have no sense of humor." } "Excellent, Grasshopper. And how did the koan remind you of the } old riddle?" } "Well, the koan isn't funny, either..." } * * * } You owe the Oracle David Carradine's autograph. --- 929-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, how's it hanging? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you're referring to your fate, by a thread.