From oracle-request Tue Jul 22 09:04:46 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA18645; Tue, 22 Jul 1997 09:04:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 09:04:46 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707221404.JAA18645@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #923 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 923 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #923 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 09:04:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 923 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 918 93 votes 6etrh bsmlb btve8 8gmyd 3iqth 8ornb chqu8 fxog5 vtm74 lymd3 918 2.9 mean 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.3 3.4 3.1 3.1 2.6 2.2 2.4 --- 923-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most ladylike, can you tell me 101 uses for old pantyhose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, trying to recapture the success of 883-10 (8dovJ 3.8), which was } also written by this incarnation? Nice try, but everybody knows that } there are only 51 really good uses for old pantyhose. } } 1. Filtering Lake Erie. } 2. Put new pantyhose on over your old pantyhose. } 3. More capacious than produce bags at the grocery store. } 4. Sell them to convicted felons for eight cigs per leg. } 5. Leave them in the church donation basket. } 6. Put them on your robot, call it "Samantha". } 7. Try, just try, to give them away in Tehran. } 8. "old pantyhose" anagrams to say "deathly spoon". } 9. You can also spell "penalty hoods", if you want. } 10. Return them for your money back. "But one leg is shorter!" } 11. Rub them with polyetheline for that "ghost leg" effect. (MG) } 12. Fill the old eggs with jellybeans. } 13. Bookmarks in the yellow pages. ("Let pantyhose do the walking.") } 14. Return library books wrapped in old pantyhose. } 15. Men: Hang them in the shower for that "got a girlfriend" look. } 16. See whether anyone really knows what "taupe" is. } 17. Put a crucifix inside each leg, make Jerry Falwell really mad. } 18. Name your old pairs "Frankenberry" and "Count Chocula". } 19. Wear them over your face, get free beer at the All-Nite Market! } 20. Use pool sealant to make them watertight; fill them with bourbon. } 21. Mail them to Ted Kaczynski. He'll be grateful. } 22. Wear them in your sleep, and you'll have silly dreams. } 23. Cut off the feet. Claim you're making a political statement. } 24. Put old pantyhose on the Venus de Milo. } 26. Ask how many pair you could trade in for a new Peugeot. } 27. Paint the knees blue, keep wearing them. } 28. Make a two-legged windsock. } 29. Make a suit out of old pantyhose. Wear it to the Oscars. } 30. Experiment: Put food in one leg, swallow it, pull it up later. } 31. Bet you thought I forgot number 25, didn't you. } 32. Take them back in time 50 years. Make a fortune selling them. } 33. Ask Stephen King to write a novel about haunted pantyhose. } 34. Refuse to touch another keyboard except through nylon. } 35. Unravel them, and learn how to make your own. } 36. Mail them to Ellen, beg her to wear them. } 37. Draw a world map on them, wear them to Geography class. } 38. Use a felt pen to draw a seam on the back, like they used to have. } 39. Use old pantyhose to tie up your sweetheart for a special evening. } 40. Makes a great hockey puck. Oh, wait. That was the year-old tuna. } 41. Send it to your friends in Calcutta and Ho Chi Minh City. } 42. Parachutes can be made of nylon. Try skydiving. } 43. Complain that they don't make your legs feel energized anymore. } 44. Someday, "pantyhose" will be seen as this century's silliest idea. } 45. Except for "The Macarena", of course. } 46. Hide old pantyhose in your friend's Sousaphone. } 47. [Item 47 is classified "Confidential" by the US Air Force.] } 48. Open a fast food restaurant. Give them away in the kids' meals. } 49. Put your kittens into them. Your cats will hate it! } 50. Wrap the phone to disguise your voice. (It works in the movies.) } 51. Go without pantyhose. See who notices. } } You owe the Oracle two pair of "suntan", size medium. --- 923-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, it's one of those Jeopardy things where I get to make the } question. So, here goes: } } 1. Are you going to grovel and ask a question? } 2. Are you going to get lucky this weekend? } 3. Did you pass that STD test? } 4. Has your IQ risen to double digits yet? } 5. Did you finally stop beating your wife? } 6. What is the last name of that famous Doctor in the James Bond movie? } 7. You want fires with that? } 8. What does Hillary say to Bill every night? } 9. Have you ever made it to the Oracularities? } 10. What should you just say to Nancy Regan? } } You owe the Oracle a Yes. --- 923-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > Please explain webtv to me. It seems to rile strong feelings. > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Plug in a webtv, and you will be sent down naked into the fifth circle } of hell! The one with all the very angry wasps and hornets. } } You have been warned! } } (Note to Philips/Magnavox lawyers - Not really) --- 923-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a question with no answer and the annual > report of Lockheed-Martin Corporation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About a cord an hour. --- 923-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > if thou art so wise.. > what is my question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Badly formed haiku, } Wrong number of syllables. } Better luck next time. --- 923-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Splendiferous Oracle, who can prevent computers from > crashing just by being in the same room with them, who has beaten > every adventure game ever made (usually within minutes), who can > chug a bottle of Dave's Insanity Sauce(tm), follow it up with an > entire box of Altoids(tm), and then _*smile*_, why aren't there any > questions about text-based adventure games anymore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see no text-based adventure here. } } You owe the Oracle 69 zorkmids and a xyzzy. --- 923-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most 'netted, guru of all that is connected, whose > packets I am not fit to route, > > Usenet and e-mail should be plain text in my opinion. HTML and > proportional fonts have no place there. My question is, am I waving > the flag for reason and decency or being a HTMLuddite? Am I > upholding standards or being a crusty old curmudgeon? Is it > striving for a better net or resisting the inevitable? > > It's giving me gas. Please help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I agree with you wholeheartedly.Unfortunately, there are a lot of } complete idiots out there who insist on boneheadedly } assuming that everyone must be using the latest and } "greatest" browser to do everything Internet-related.Me, I } don't make such boneheaded assumptions: being omniscient, I } know that everyone who counts is using Netscape 5.2 or higher } to walk their pets and bake calzones.Yo u owe me a promise that you'll } enter the 20th century. --- 923-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o great oracle, who surely knows teh answer to anything, i have a > humble request... > > why do people want to get more hits on their web pages? > i mean, getting more hits just means an overloaded web server, meaning > they have to get a better computer, thus spending more money, and so > on... so why do they do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, it's in the hope that if they can't get hit on, at } least their web pages can. } } You owe the Oracle a date. --- 923-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who has such great taste he managed to avoid disco the first > time around, > Tell me, is musical theater a valid art form? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rather than quote from a randomly generated essay created by the } Postmodernism Generator (Don't you have yours yet? It's part of the } Emperor Norton Utilities!), I shall answer with an honest Oracular } opinion. } No. } Only slutty women and gay men actually enjoy musical theater. } The rest of the human race can't stand it. } Whether it's comedy, tragedy, suspense, or drama, watching the } major characters break unexpectely into song destroys the mood utterly. } Musical theater is inherently stupid. } Wait a minute--most modern art is inherently pretty stupid, too. } Pictures that don't represent anything, sculptures that don't represent } anything--hmm... } Okay, musical theater is a valid art form. It's still stupid, } though. } You owe the Oracle the musical score from "Grease," written on } the back of a painting by Jackson Pollock and wrapped around a statue } that looks like a big bronze pretzel having an epileptic fit. --- 923-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great, wise Oracle, grovel, grovel, grovel, > > When is the Oracle help file being updated to recommend that > incarnations reply with extremely long, extensive answers that take > forever to write, instead of recommending short answers, which are > less likely to make the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never.