From oracle-request Fri Jul 18 09:49:14 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA02843; Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:49:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:49:14 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707181449.JAA02843@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #922 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 922 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #922 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 09:49:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 922 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 917 86 votes 7mxl3 6hzl7 btmea 9spdb chugb 8kxi7 amum2 fboqa deopa cfojg 917 3.0 mean 2.9 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.1 3.1 --- 922-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which C++ compiler is the best one if you want to be able to port the > source to Unix later on? Is DirectX worth using, if you're going to > port to Unix anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'mon, pal, get with it. All the money's in COBOL these days. } } You owe the Oracle a fat Y2K contract, at $140 an hour. --- 922-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle... > > Why is it that some of your replyers will insist on quoting the > original message in the answer, thus returing the original question > twice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I see you've noticed our new Temple-wide Quality Initiative. It } was designed to ensure to you, the supplicant, that the question you } asked was, in fact, the question answered by the incarnation. In } addition, this new service is provided at no additional cost to you. } This is just a small example of our ongoing commitment to Total Quality } and customer service, going forward. Rest assured, we will continue to } improve our service to you as long as you continue to choose us as your } question-answering service. } } Sincerely, } } T. I. Oracle } } P.S. You owe the Oracle anything written by Scott Adams. --- 922-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yeah man, I tell ya what, man...That dang ol' Internet, man...You just > go on there and point and click... Talk about W-W-dot-W-com... An' > lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man... Click. Click. ClickClickClick... > It's real easy man. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not gonna work, Bill........ --- 922-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me... What is so fascinating about a woman's crotch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing. Nothing at all. } } You owe the Oracle all back issues of Playboy, and Textbook of } Pathology of the Female Genital Tract, 3rd edition. --- 922-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the fastest road to fame for a woman without money? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interstate 40 to Little Rock. } } You owe the Oracle a distinguishing mark. --- 922-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 555-3176? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -2621 } } You owe the Oracle a decent groveling including the words "pocket } calculator" --- 922-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy has this job got easier since I had the soundproofing installed! } } You owe the Oracle a pin to drop. --- 922-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle! > > Who can checkmate YHWH in less than four moves... > > Who regularly has the lowest score when golfing with Moses and Jesus... > > Who could beat up Allah even if he DID try to bite off your ears... > > ... I've got a problem. A few hours ago, I met this gorgeous lady at a > local club, and after several extremely exciting slow dances and some > of the most interesting, funny, wonderful conversation I've ever had > with ANYONE, she agreed to come back to my place. > > As I was getting some drinks, she put some slow, cool jazz on the > stereo and said she had to run to the bathroom to "freshen up". I > finished pouring the wine, and started back to the living room, > thanking all the gods for my incredible luck. And that's when things > went wrong... > > Normally, to get from my kitchen to my living room, I have to go west, > then north. I was so blinded with lust, however, that I accidentally > went west, then SOUTH! Next thing I know: > > I am in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. > > I am carrying the following: > > a lantern (lit) > two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon > a wallet > > The wallet contains: > > a five dollar bill > a three-year-old condom > a credit card (maxed out) > > How can I get out of here, and back to the girl of my dreams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you're in quite a fix. I believe that the way out is: } west, west, north, west, south, west, north, east--now you're in a } larger room, with XYZZY spray-painted on the north wall. } Examine the south wall. You'll find a very small button and a } hole. Don't bother pressing the button, it just dispenses Babel Fish, } and you don't have time for that, because your lantern will go out } soon, and then you're likely to be eaten by a grue. Anyway, there's a } seam in the wall, left of the button. Use your credit card to pry open } the secret door. } Go south through the secret door; you'll notice that it's less of } a maze and more of a cave. Soon your sword will begin to shimmer, } glowing with a pale blue radiance--uh oh. You don't have a sword. } Well, when you meet the troll, give him the wine, and put the condom on } your head like Howie Mandel. This is just the sort of lowbrow } entertainment that trolls love; it'll help if you can quack like Donald } Duck, too. While the troll is giggling helplessly, tiptoe past him, } through the narrow passageway. } Now go north, then east. You should be back in your kitchen. } You owe the Oracle that five-dollar bill. --- 922-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise, all-knowing, and eternal Oracle, at whose beck and call all > life must remain, to whose whim the whole universe depends on to exist, > tell me: > > What is the ultimate form of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silicon. --- 922-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the sky blue? > Why does the sun come up in the east and not the west? > Why can't I reach that place in the small of my back where it itches? > Why doesn't Nightmare Ned OD on NoDoz and never fall asleep again? > Why won't my insurance pay for SRS? > Will SRS improve my love life? > Will my love life improve? > Will you prove my life? > Why do pilots say roger? > Why do I watch Mr. Rogers? > Will you fix my watch? > How do planes fly? > How does Superman fly? > Would a fly without wings be called a walk? > What is a walk through? > Can I walk though a wall? > How does a can walk? > Can a can be leash trained? > Why does the only Scotsman in 'Highlander' play a Spaniard? > Isn't he really an Egyptian? > How did the Egyptians build the pyramids? > Did aliens help them? > Are aliens out there? > Is THE TRUTH out there? > What is THE TRUTH? > When will we know? > When will this list end? > Why didn't I stop there? > What's My problem? > What the answer? > Who? > What? > Where? > When? > Why? > How? > How Much? > How much wood would a w--dchuck chuck if a w--dchuck could chuck wood? > How much mix would a mixer mix if a mixer could mix mix? > How many bats would a batter bat if a batter could bat bats? > How can I get my batting average up? > How can I get my math average up? > How can I avoid math? > How will math help me? > Will you help me? > How do you spell help? > How do you cast a spell? > What is the complete cast of Les Mis? > Will Gen. Halftrack ever catch Ms. Buxley? > What is half a track? > Can you track only half? > Will I ever stop? > Will they end up taking me away? > Where will they take me? > Where is the funny farm? > Who is Napoleon III? > Was Napoleon ill? > Am I ill? > Are You? > RU? > R2D2? > C D Puppies? > Would you please answer my questions Oh Oracle most wise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because its girlfriend just left it. } It doesn't want to confuse you. } Because you're not a chimpanzee. } Because OD'ing on NoDoz would kill him. } Because paying for Some Real Sex amounts to prostitution, which is } illegal. } Wouldn't you like to know? } Nope, sorry. } Only you can prove your life--look up Descartes. } In honor of their greatest hero, Roger Ramjet. } Simple pleasures for simple minds. } No, but you _could_ start running west, really, really fast. } By flapping their arms and thinking of Victoria Principal's little } sister, Bernoulli. } If you wore pants that tight, you'd fly too. } It wouldn't matter what you called it, it wouldn't come. } It's sort of like a doorway, but it's not. } Sure! Give it a try! } On its little legs. } No, but it can be freight trained. } It's called "creative casting." } No, he isn't. } They used Acme Instant Pyramid (just add water). } Yeah, Jose and Enrico helped them. } Sure, East Los Angeles is FULL of them. } Yes, it is. } That "THE TRUTH" is a figment of a writer's imagination--shh, it's a } secret. } When you get this reply from Me. } Not soon enough, that much is certain. } It's genetic. } See above; it has to do with inbreeding. } Flossing is the answer. } Me, the Internet Oracle. } A thunderbolt. } You're sitting on the spot marked "X." } Immediately. } Because I'm annoyed. } At the speed of light. } Until nothing remains. } Two cords an hour until I both of you. } This question is the offspring of a demon and a woodchuck. } So is this one; you need an exorcism, quickly. } Bribe the kid who keeps the records. } By turning off your computer. } By showing you just how many Big Macs to make when you have to make } three orders at once. } Sure I will. } Z, O, T. } I get Zeus to do that magic stuff for me--he's more flashy than I am. } Me, Lisa, Zadoc, Darkmage, Zeus, Kirsten Chevalier; guest-starring Joel } Furr as "Lemur Boy," and Joann Worley as AOLisa. } Nope. Sad, isn't it? } It's sort of a horseshoe shape. } Yes; it's twice as easy, in fact. } Definitely. } Not if I can you first. } Away from that computer, I hope. } Look around you. } He was Emperor of France and Protector of Mexico in the 1870s, until he } made the mistake of declaring war on Prussia. } When he got deposed, he was. } I'd have to say, yes. } Not yet, but I'm getting there. } No, I'm not R. U. Sirius. } C3PO. } No, I don't see any puppies. } Yes, I'd answer your questions. } } You owe the Oracle a list of reasons _not_ to you.