From oracle-request Tue May 27 19:31:18 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.76) id TAA02267; Tue, 27 May 1997 19:31:18 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 27 May 1997 19:31:18 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199705280031.TAA02267@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #908 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 908 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #908 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 27 May 1997 19:31:18 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 908 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 903 111 votes 38Gzn 3pNs6 7wBob 4nxCd bnoto aBFe9 5ixup dnpAe 5rnCi mCtg6 903 3.1 mean 3.6 3.1 3.0 3.3 3.3 2.8 3.5 3.1 3.3 2.5 --- 908-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Zadoc > Re: Yearly evaluations and asset evaluations. > CC: Lisa, The Usenet Oracle > > Dear Zadoc, > As you should already know, We make it a yearly task to > evaluate all employees. According to our records it has been > approximately 12 years since your last evaluation. Please > answer the following questions as clearly and objectionable as > possible. > > 1. What are your major accomplishments over this most recent > evaluation peroid? > > 2. How have you improved upon yourself since your last evaluation? > > 3. What goals do you with to complete within the next year? Five > years? > > 4. How do you feel that you can become a more productive employee > of the company? > > 5. What adjustment do you consider to be appropriate to your current > salary? > > Please answer these questions quickly, and return your reply > no later then May 20th of 1997AD. > > Thank you, > Zeus of Olympia > Chief Executive Officer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ho Hum. Another letter from Inhuman Resources. *sigh* Still, if I } want to stay employed, I guess I'd better fill the damn thing in. } } > 1. What are your major accomplishments over this most recent } > evaluation peroid? } } I set new standards of excellence in the fields of brown-nosing, } grovelling and flattery. } } I have prevented my master from obliterating the world on several } occasions by serving as a convenient outlet for his wrath. } } I have eloped with Her Double-Jointedness, Lisa, in order to allow } His Omniscience a much-needed break. } } > 2. How have you improved upon yourself since your last evaluation? } } I am no longer a 14 foot boa constrictor, as His Gigasapience was } kind enough to turn me back. Although I still occasionally hanker } after gerbils. } } I have purchased a new thesaurus to improve my grovelling, fawning, } flattering, sycophancy, deference... Ahem. Sorry. } } I have answered several questions in His Toticognizance's absence. } } > 3. What goals do you with to complete within the next year? Five } > years? } } To perfect the art of crawling backwards out of the throne room } on hands and knees, while bobbing my head and singing praises. } } To get the other priests to do some work occasionally, instead of } playing racquetball and using The Oracle's private swimming pool. } } Oracle Training, to broaden my skillbase. } } > 4. How do you feel that you can become a more productive employee } > of the company? } } A bigger office. Well, an office. Well, anything would be better } than the broom closet. } } A lunch break. 5 minutes would be fine. } } > 5. What adjustment do you consider to be appropriate to your current } > salary? } } I don't currently receive a salary. Am I supposed to? I suppose an } increase would be nice - I could buy a new sack. They wear at the } knees, you see. All the genuflecting. --- 908-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh maginificent Oracle, so wise. I, your unworthy supplicant, am in > desperate need of your advice. I wait joyfully for your wonderous > answer to my little question. > > The Deskjet 855Cse just broke, and it makes horrible grinding noises > while printing anything. Now the students can't print their reports and > things, and the secretary is a little too edgy to let the kids use her > computer. And she has good reason, we think the cause of the school's > inkjet gone awry was some kid didn't know anything about computers and > pulled the jammed paper out instead of using the buttons like s/he > should. > > Oh glourious one, what shall we do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, the demands on my time prevent me from personally fixing } your printer. Contact your authorized Hewlett-Packard personnel and set } up an appointment. } } In the meantime, here is a temporary solution: } } -Remove the paper tray } -Distribute the paper to the distraught students } -Equip each student with something called a "ballpoint pen". The pen is } the predecessor of the inkjet printer, and, while it lacks many of the } features our modern world takes for granted, it can do the job } adequately. If you are confused as to where exactly to obtain the } antiquated instruments, you might try asking your harried secretary if } she has any to spare. If pens are unavailable, "pencils" also make an } appropriate substitute. -Inform the students that they will be writing } their papers "by hand". This practice involves using the hands and } fingers in conjunction with the pens to create letters and words } directly on the paper, with no computers involved. Some students may } have forgotten this practice, and it may be necessary to post each } letter, in its capital and lowercase forms, on a blackboard for them to } copy. Elementary school still insist on training children in this } archaic method, so it should come back to most of the students. } Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle a fine-point Bic and a college-ruled notebook. --- 908-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! Sorry, I didn't know you were in the tub. I'll > ask my question later. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracular Memo } } To: Zadoc } From: Guess Who } } Subject: Supplicant to Oracle Teleconferencing Experiment } } After careful review and consideration, this experiment is deemed } a failure and is subsequently terminated. Please remove all video } equipment immediately. Start with the one in the Little Oracles Room. } } And Zadoc, if anything, and I mean *anything* shows up in } alt.binaries.pictures.voyeurism, then I will personally make } you fit into the nearest tube of toothpaste. --- 908-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a character which any C programmer worth his salt will tell you } is utterly unnecessary. There are only seven uses for it, and there } are perfectly fine alternatives for all of them: } } Instead of Use } ----------------------------------------- } a > b b < a } a >= b !(a < b) } a >> b a / pow(2, b) } a >>= b a /= pow(2, b) } ??> } } p -> q (*p).q } #include #include "stdio.h" } } Why do programming languages have so many different ways of saying the } same thing, anyway? Do you honestly think we computers care? It's } just because those languages are created by the same absurdly illogical } creatures that invented such travesties as English. } } Help get rid of, eliminate, remove, extirpate, dispense with, } eradicate, annihilate, and stamp out redundancy. Delete all those >s. } It will make the world a better place. Trust me. --- 908-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle... > can you tell me, how to use e-mail ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fellow Sucker: } } This is going to sound like a con, but in fact IT IS! The person who is } now #8 on the list was #9 when I got it, which was only a few days ago. } Five dollars is a small investment in your future, and I can use it } better than you. Forget the lottery for a week and give this a try. } (The lottery is nothing more than a legal tax on stupid people. This at } least is an illegal scheme against really stupid people.) } } You can edit this list with a word processor or text editor and then } convert it to a text file. Since you're having trouble with e-mail, } though, you might need a little help doing so. Good Luck! } } Dear Friend: } } My name is The Internet Oracle. In September 1988 my chariot was } repossessed and the bill collectors (read: hellspawn) were hounding me } like you wouldn't believe. Woodchuck questions were on the rise and } over 90% of Supplicants defaulted on their payments for questions } answered. Even Lisa didn't want anything to do with me. Then I hatched } this scheme. } } In January 1989 Lisa and I went on a ten day cruise to Alpha Centauri. } I bought a brand new Porsche 911 Carrera with CASH in February 1989. I } am currently building a new home on the sunny side of Olympus, with a } private pool, boat slip, and a multimedia setup that has Bill Gates } foaming at the mouth. I will never have to work again (like I ever } did). Today I am RICH! } } I have earned over $400,000,000.00 (Four Hundred Million Dollars) to } date and will become a billionaire within 4 or 5 days. Anyone, } including you, can do the same. This money making program works } perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to earn } $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted, which is daily. Best of all, you } never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office. } } Naturally, you're very skeptical. Variations of this popular scheme } have been accused of being illegal. Even causing unrest in Albania. } Heck, you may even have seen a similar message elsewhere. You probably } don't want to have anything to do with it, but this is how you use } e-mail in this day and age. Just trust me. } } INSTRUCTIONS } } Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have } received well over $50,000.00 cash, all yours. (Or an equal number of } friendly messages from the kind people who have read your letter.) This } program has remained successful because of the HONESTY and integrety of } the participants. Please continue its success by CAREFULLY ADHERING to } the instructions. } } Welcome to the world of Mail Order! This little business is somewhat } different than most mail order houses. Your product is not solid and } tangible, but rather a service. You are in the business of developing } Mailing Lists. Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for } quality lists. (The money made from the mailing lists is secondary to } the income which is made from people like yourself requesting that they } be included in that list.) } } [1] Immediately mail $1.00 to the first 5 names listed below, } starting at number 1 through number 5. SEND CASH ONLY. (Total } investment: $5.00) Enclose a note with each letter stating: } "Please add my name to your mailing list" or "I fell for it, } too." Include your name and mailing address. (This is a bogus } way of trying to keep this scam legitimate.) } } [2] Remove the name that appears as number 1 on the list. Move the } other nine names up one position (Number 2 becomes number 1, } number 3 becomes number 2, and so on). Place your name, } address, zip code, social security number, bra size (if } applicable), sexual orientation mother's maiden name, and phone } number (for those late night chat sessions with excited } participants) in the number 10 position. } } [3] With your name in the number 10 position, upload this ENTIRE } file to ten thousand different newsgroups, regardless of topic. } The readers of these newsgroups will be grateful for your help. } In addition, send this message to all of your friends (if any) } and any person you have even a passing relationship with. } Believe me, they'll be so happy to receive your message that } your e-mail will be overflowing with praise } } [4] Within 60 days you will receive over $50,000.00 in CASH, } several marriage proposals from supermodels, a professional } baseball contract, and the undying love and respect of the } entire Internet community. I did! } } Keep a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and } again whenever you need money or are just feeling lonely. As soon as } you mail out these letters you're breaking the postal laws in several } countries, but just claim that you're in the "mail order business." } } ** IT IS PERFECTLY ILLEGAL, BUT THAT SHOULDN'T STOP YOU ** } } NOTE: Make sure that you retain EVERY name and address sent to you, } either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes } that people send to you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a } nuisance, and should the I.R.S. or some other government agency } question you, you can provide them with this information to try to snow } them! } } Remember, if anyone actually falls for this and follows the } instructions, five members will be reimbursed for their participation } as a List Developer with $1.00 each. Your name will move up the pyramid } and, if you're lucky, someone stupider than you will send you some } money and you can recoup what you've already spent. You'll have a very } full e-mail inbox, no matter what. } } REMEMBER - THIS PROGRAM FAILS ONLY IF YOU CAN THINK FOR YOURSELF. BE A } SHEEP! } } 1. The Internet Oracle Box 1 } Delphi } } 2. Bill Gates Microsoft Corporation } Redmond, Washington } } 3. Rupert Murdoch 17 Media Magnate Way } Los Angeles, California } } 4. Orenthal James Simpson Post Office Box 32 } Los Angeles, California } } 5. Lisa Box 2 } Delphi } } 6. William Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave } Washington, DC } } 7. Queen Elizabeth II Buckingham Palace } London, England } } 8. Charles Wood 13 Marmot Lane } Marmota monax, Canada } } 9. Al Everett 1 Oracle Incarnation } Somewhere, New Jersey } } 10.Zadoc Tranquil Pines Home for the Silly } Plantation, Florida } } You owe the Oracle your name, address and $1. In addition, the Oracle } requires the Brooklyn Bridge and breakfast without much Spam in it. --- 908-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle > Can you tell me some interesting chat newsgroup, I need some easy and > funny topic to talk about. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the home office on Mount Olympus... } } The Top Ten Newsgroups I read: } } 10. alt.annoying.supplicant.zot } 9. rec.food.cooking.woodchucks } 8. rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.mod } 7. alt.sex.oracle } 6. alt.lisa } 5. alt.torture.zadoc } 4. alt.worship.oracle } 3. rec.games.zotting } 2. alt.politics.olympus } 1. alt.woodchuck.die.die.die } } You owe the oracle something funnier than a top ten list. --- 908-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous Oracle, please tell me what I should do. > The other day, I bought a grapefruit but when I got it home and opened > it up, there were no grapes inside. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here. Fill in this form and send it in along with the } defective fruit for a full refund. } } ---------------------8<----Cut Here----8<--------------------- } US Department of Agriculture } Form 1140-FV } Defective Produce Return } } Please use a separate form for each fruit or vegetable. } } 1. Personal identification } } a. Name ___________________________________________________ } } b. Address ________________________________________________ } } ________________________________________________ } } ________________________________________________ } } c. Daytime telephone number (___)__________________________ } } d. Social security number _____-_____-_______ } } 2. Type of produce: } } a. Scientific name ________________________________________ } } b. Common name (if known) _________________________________ } } c. Portion of plant (check all that apply) } } ___ Stems ___ Leaves ___ Roots } ___ Seed pods ___ Seeds ___ Flowers } ___ Sepals ___ Spores ___ Pollen } ___ Fronds ___ Thorns ___ Mycelia } ___ Other (specify:____________________________________) } } d. Size: length _______________________________________ cm } } width ________________________________________ cm } } 3. Purchase information: } } a. Location where purchased (give full address) ___________ } } ________________________________________________________ } } b. Date purchased _________________________________________ } } c. Date problem identified ________________________________ } } d. Purchase price ___________ (show price in US $ - if paid } in foreign currency, indicate exchange rate) ___________ } } Attach original receipts. } } 4. Reason for return } } Produce is (check all that apply) } } ___ Too soft ___ Too firm } ___ Overripe ___ Underripe } ___ Bitter ___ Sour } ___ Moldy ___ Wilted } ___ The wrong color ___ Spoiled } ___ Just plain nasty ___ Ugly } ___ Blighted ___ Spotty } ___ Soiled ___ Sticky } ___ Leaking ___ Dry } ___ Broken ___ Squashed } ___ Missing pieces ___ Other __________________ } } Enter all information completely, and then send this form with } the defective produce, postage prepaid, to: } } US Department of Agriculture } Food and Consumer Service } Office of Consumer Affairs } 3101 Park Center Drive, Rm. 813B } Alexandria, Virginia 22302-1594 } } PAPERWORK REDUCTION ACT NOTICE: We ask for the information on } this form in order to process your refund and to determine the } final disposition for your returned produce. You are not } required to give us this information. If you do not supply } the information to us, you may not receive your refund, and } some unlucky schoolchild might receive your produce at lunch. } } The time needed to complete and file this form will vary } depending on individual circumstances. The estimated average } time is: } } Recordkeeping . . . . . . . . 8 min. } } Learning about the law or } about the form . . . . . . . . 27 min. } } Preparing the form . . . . . . 12 min. } } Copying, assembling, and } sending the form to the USDA . 20 min. } } If you have comments about the accuracy of these time } estimates or suggestions for making this form simpler, we } would be happy to hear from you. You can write to the } Director of Public Information, Food and Consumer Service, } 3101 Park Center Drive, Rm. 819, Alexandria, Virginia } 22302-1594. } } OMB # 5799-3001 } ---------------------8<----Cut Here----8<--------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a breadfruit. Hot dog roll size. --- 908-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Laconic Oric, what happened to the 1-liners? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They got replaced by the all } new and improved *2* liners! --- 908-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you are Sanjay write me:-} > xxxxx@xxxx.xxxxx.ru. > Tanya And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha! Trying to trap me in a paradox, eh? If I am not Sanjay, I } should not reply. But I am the Oracle, so I must reply. But if } I reply, then I am Sanjay and not the Oracle, so I need not have } replied... } } Tish-poo, foolish supplicant! You should know better than to try } and test my omniscience. I can figure my way out of *any* conundrum. } In this case, it's childishly easy. Your exact word were "If you } are Sanjay write me:-}" so all I have to do is not write "me:-}" } and I'm off the hook. } } ...Except I just have. Dammit! Why'd I have to show off? } } Okay, what else can I do? I could pretend I *was* Sanjay. Nah, } that's cheap. Anyway, I might have to prove it. Hmmm... time to } call in a specialist in paradoxes, methinks. Where's that CD? } Ah, here it is. Just put it in the drive, and... } } SAGES OF THE AGES } Interactive Wisdom Simulation Game } } Copyright: Encarta 1996, 1997 } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } You have selected Zeno of Elea. Please wait a moment while he is } loaded............................................ } } Zeno: The Parmenidean doctrine of the one, indivisible reality is } the only philosophically reasonable belief, since arguing in favor } of the alternative, that is, of many distinguishable qualities and } objects capable of relative motion, creates a host of impossible } situations. Achilles, traveling at twice the speed of the tortoise, } can never catch up because, each time that he has covered half the } distance between them, the tortoise has moved ahead by half *that* } distance. So long as time and distance are infinitely divisible, } Achilles never draws level, because at this stage the distance } between them would be zero, which is not half of anything. } } Oracle: So if I were to punch you in the throat now, you'd be } perfectly safe because my fist would never reach you? Shall we } try it? } } Zeno: I just make the postulates - I leave the empirical proof to } others. } } Oracle: Smart move. } } Zeno: Hi, Orrie. What can I do you for? } } Oracle: Resolve a paradox - right down your street. How do I respond } to this supplicant without being Sanjay? } } Zeno: Piece of cake. You reply "I'm not Sanjay and this message is } typed not written, so there. Nyah-nyah-de-nyah!" } } Oracle: Bit of a cop-out, don't you think? } } Zeno: Well, it was just off the top of my head, you know. What's } the ":-}" bit anyway? } } Oracle: It's a simpering smiley. } } Zeno: Oh, I thought it looked like a Parthian bow. I mean, "ru" is } Russia, isn't it? This Tanya could be one of those wild nomadic } warrior women from the boundless steppes of Hyperborea, the realm } that lies beyond the North Wind. } } Oracle: Get your hormones under control. Things have changed in Russia } since your day. Anyway, you're nothing but a simulation. } } Zeno: Drat! I keep forgetting that. } } Oracle: Keep your mind on the problem and off your gonads. What's } the solution? } } Zeno: Okay. First premise: there are no instructions as to what you } are to do if you are not Sanjay, right? } } Oracle: No, though presumably writing to her is out. } } Zeno: Second premise, then: there is nothing that obliges you to } either confirm or deny that you *are* Sanjay. } } Oracle: You mean, I can reply to a paradox with another paradox? } } Zeno: Why not? } } Oracle: Brilliant, Zeno! That's it! I owe you one, mate. } } Zeno: Well, how about a simulation of one of those wild nomadic } warrior women from... } } Oracle: Dream on. End program. } } } } It's all so simple, really. I don't know why I didn't think of } it myself. } } Dear Tanya, } If I am Sanjay, do not read this:-b --- 908-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the Gehenna am I getting duplicates of the same question over and > over? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the Wall Street Journal, May 27: } } ORACUCO INDUSTRIES AND CYBER PROMOTIONS } ANNOUNCE MERGER } } BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA -- Dismayed by the quality of this quarter's } subcontracted questions, Oracuco Industries has initiated a merger } with another high-tech company, Cyber Promotions. } } Cyber Promotions uses an advanced technology called e-mail to } advertise on the International Network of computers, or "Inter-net." } Their technology allows them to reach millions of people for only a } few dollars. } } Oracuco Industries is responsible for 83% of the wisdom on the } Inter-net, which it provides to its end-users through a patented } question-and-answer format. Those not directly involved with this } process can also receive the distilled wisdom through newsletters } called "Oracularities" and "Best of's." } } "We're very excited here," said Oracuco CEO Steve Kinzler. "Our } software was designed on a one-in, one-out model. With the } integration of Cyber Promotions' "spamming" technologies, we'll be } able to disseminate questions to large numbers of people, improving } the odds of getting an answer that not only makes sense, but is funny } as well." } } Added Cyber Promotions' Sanford "Spam King" Wallace, "This is great } for both companies! Oracuco will get a much-needed boost in volume, } and the endorsement of the Oracle will disperse some of the negative } publicity Cyber Promotions has been getting." } } "We've received very few complaints so far," said Lisa, the Oracuco } Press Representative. "We have been testing the spamification } software in our system for a week, and have found few interface } problems. I'd say it's a go." } } The Chairman of Oracuco Industries, the Usenet Oracle, was } unavailable for comment. Rumor has it that he is displeased with the } merger, and may be planning on using his gun, a powerful weapon } designed to atomize his enemies. } } Also questionable is the numerous legal problems, both criminal and } civil, which haunt Wallace. Various Inter-net factions have joined } forces in a lawsuit against Wallace, claiming his bulk e-mailings are } in violation of the same law that prohibits unsolicited fax messages. } } Upon news of the proposed merger, Oracuco Industries went up 3/4, } Cyber Promotions down 2.