From oracle-request Mon Apr 7 09:13:32 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id JAA09632; Mon, 7 Apr 1997 09:13:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 09:13:32 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199704071413.JAA09632@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #897 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 897 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #897 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 09:13:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 897 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 892 108 votes cszna jyye7 axHg6 8lpvn cdKod 5nyrj kjjrn exAl4 azEh6 7dvBk 892 3.0 mean 2.9 2.6 2.8 3.4 3.1 3.3 3.1 2.7 2.8 3.5 --- 897-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O CH > H C || | 3 > 3\ C N > \ / \ / \ H > \/ \ / \ / > N C C > | || || > | || || > O===C C-----N > \ / > \ / > N > | > CH > 3 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you must know... } } *After* being zotted, the molecule will look like this: } } O CH====N O } H C || | 2 C---C } 4 C N / / \ \ } / / H / \ \ } / / / / \ C } N C C CH \ |\\ } | || || | 2 \ | \\ } | || || | \| \\ } Fe===C Z Fo N H C===O } \ / \\ / 4 } \ / \\ / Ct } N \\/ 4 } | O H O Bg } CH 2 4 } 3 } } Which of course, as you may have noticed, violates many laws of } chemistry, as well as a few rules of good taste. But that is what } makes it such a great toy^H^H^Hweapon. Notice in particular the } cluster of 4 Bogons in the bottom-right, and the nearby cluster of 4 } Computrons. In the next instant they combine, and then it's all over } for the supplicant. No caffeine will help him there. } } You owe the Oracle a Bogon filter for Usenet. --- 897-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most funky, what are the words to Oklahoma!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oklahoma you're so fine! } You're so fine you blow my mind! } Oklahoma! Oklahoma! } } Hmmm that doesn't seem quite right. Maybe this is it.... } } Welcome to the hotel Oklahoma } Such a lovely place.... } } No, no, that doesn't sound right either. Perhaps.... } } Oh, now I've forgotten what the question was! Please send the message } again! --- 897-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most sumptious Oracle, who knows many fine recipes that use both > tarragon and cinnamon, please tell me: > > Should I try to rescue the cream sauce, or should I make a simple roux? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are some things that are too important even for The Oracle; all I } can tell you is that if you make the wrong choice, you'll roux it. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _1001 Lame Cooking Puns_. --- 897-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle read and answer well: > > If I were to set the computers in school up into a continuous prime > number algorithm loop while they were playing the star spangled banner > over the intercom system, and hard wired the power switches to activate > police sirens instead of shutting off, and locked the bootstrap and > interupt 23 (ctrl-break) so they triggered the message "ha ha", and > were to bolt the power cable to the wall and pour steel reinforced > cement over it so it was impossible to unplug, and sat two secret > service agents in the breaker room that shot at will at anything that > even twitched in the direction of the main power breaker, would my > teacher give me an A? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, this all sounds mighty industrious for somebody who is too lazy to } study. In any case, it won't work, and you will still fail the course. } Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of you saying, "would you like fries } with that, sir?" --- 897-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is that smell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's called Lysol. Perhaps a better question is, why is your roommate } spraying it so liberally in your living quarters. } } You owe the oracle a bar of Irish Spring. Used. --- 897-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracles most wise tell me who i am And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene: The Oracle's Throne Room. . . } ______________________________________________________________ } } Zadoc: Okay, most wise and wonderful master, there is only one more } supplication left for the day. } } Oracle: Good. Read it to me. } } Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am." } } Oracle: You are Zadoc. } } Zadoc: No, master, you misunderstand. What I-- } } Oracle (grabbing the staff of ZOT): WHAT WAS THAT? } } Zadoc: (trembling) I am eternally remorseful, worshipful Master; I will } wallow in radioactive pond slime for this grave affront. } } Oracle (setting the staff back down): Good. . .but read to me that last } supplication again. } } Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am." } } Oracle (slightly irritated): I just told you, you are Zadoc. Now read } me that last supplication. } } Zadoc: That _was_ the last supplication, O divinely-inspired One. } } Oracle: What was? } } Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am." } } Oracle: What? Why would anyone care who _you_ are, Zadoc? (picking up } the staff of ZOT again, and staring deeply and meaningfully at its } head) Have you been spreading tall tales of your "many wonderful feats" } again? } } Zadoc: Oh, no, my effluvulent master! I would never dream of such a } thing! I am but the lowest of the low, humble Zadoc, who will never be } worthy even to launder your money or towels! } } Oracle: I'm glad to hear it. } } Zadoc: It is the duty of every good Oracular priest to make you glad. } I am so happy that I have succeeded. (Lisa enters.) Lisa! } } Oracle: Lisa! (looks at pocketwatch) You're early! (prances happily } off towards bedroom. Lisa turns to follow.) } } Zadoc: Wait, Lisa. One of the supplicants has a question. } } Lisa (stopping): Oh? What is it? } } Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am." } } Lisa: That's easy. The supplicant can not deduce his or her own } identity by themselves implies that they cannot think for themselves. } Applying Descartes famous rule, there is no proof of the supplicant's } actual existence. And the burden of proof is always on the supplicant. } } Zadoc: Thank you, Lisa. I'll tell the supplicant that, right away. } Sheesh. I'm glad you came. I spent fifteen minutes trying to get an } answer out of the hyperhormonal oaf there. } } Lisa: Yeah. (sighs) Sometimes I don't know why I keep him around. } } Oracle (from bedroom): Lisa, are you coming? } } Lisa: (to bedroom door) Sure, HotHips; hold your horses. Just a } second. (to Zadoc) Let's elope. } } Zadoc (sparkling with ingenue): Okay. } } (They leave, hand in hand.) --- 897-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, least wise: > > Can you explain Steve Boursy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boursy, Steve: } Carbon based life form. } Gender believed to be of the masculine however no evidence provided to } date to prove this hypotheses. } Known to be fond of polyester slacks. } Often found in state of epiphany when listening to Milli Vanilli. } Believed to be mostly harmless. However it is recommended that you } avoid approaching the individual on Wednesday afternoons. } The genealogy of this species is unknown to date, however it has been } rumoured that this individual is the product of faulty cloning of } "Waldo". } } You owe the oracle an apology for the opening insult and a dissertation } on why you tuck your shirt into your underpants. --- 897-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had planned on leaving with the Heaven's Gate group, but some fool > slipped me unspiked applesauce. I ate a ton of the stuff but instead > of dying I just got the runs. I'm curious, can I catch Halle-Bopp on > its return? And what about the runs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, indeed, it's a marvellous day out here at the MCG. The sun is } shining, the weather bureau is forecasting a clear day, not too hot, } just nice and comfortable at twenty-five degrees. The Australians won } the toss, and sent the Martians in to bat; starting off in the } commentary box is Tim Lane, and Keith Stackpole. } } Tim: Yes, thank you, Orrie; it really is a marvellous day. The } Martians have brought in a new batsman, Halle-Bopp, to replace } Marvin, who unfortunately came down with a cold. The funeral's } in five days, and all the fine young cricketers out there are } wearing black armbands to symbolize their distress. } Keith: The Australians are bringing in their young paceman, Mark. } He's shown a lot of promise in the Sheffield Shield competition } this year, taking a superb ten wickets in both innings of his } last match. It's a big step up for him, but I think he's ready } for it.. let's see how he goes. } Tim: Mark walks up to his mark, turns around, and charges in to the } crease. He delivers the ball... Halle-Bopp lets it go through } to the keeper, who takes it cleanly. A good delivery first up on } this opening day. } Keith: He's getting a bit of swing out there already, which indicates } this will be an interesting contest between a good batsman, and a } superb up-and-coming paceman. Mark comes in again, delivers a } good outswinger - but Halle-Bopp has picked it, swings lustily; } that's going to go all the way... that's six runs! An incredible } shot there. } Tim: Well, obviously Mark still has to get into his rhythm, but he } can't afford too many more loose deliveries like that. The } Australians are down one-nil in this three-Test series; they have } to win today, and it won't be easy. This Martian team is no } pushover. } Keith: Mark bowls... Halle-Bopp swings at it, but he mistimes it... } it's in the air, going back towards Mark, who dives to his left.. } and that's an INCREDIBLE catch! Halle-Bopp is out, caught and } bowled Mark, for six runs. } } (commentary fade out.) } } There you go. You will catch him on the return; and as for the runs, } there'll be just six. You'll go on to a fine career in cricket, } becoming the first Test bowler to take six hundred wickets. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed Don Bradman bat. --- 897-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why, when you're balling your eyes out over a guy or when you fall and > really hurt yourself, does the person ( probably a friend ) ask, "*are > you okay?*" ****** i mean, Does it LOOK like you're okay????****** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, the reason for this is buried deep in mankind's genetic } code. Given the option between rendering aid silently and asking } inane questions, your species is hardwired to ask the question } first, then give the needed aid. People have a need to speak, } and do so at every chance even if not appropriate to the situation. } If this happens in the future, translate this immediately to "how } can I help you", and answer appropriately. } } You owe the Oracle a paper contrasting and comparing the words } "balling" and "bawling". The Oracle was quite confused for a moment } or two. --- 897-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do I want to go today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, scrape last night's pizza off the front of your shirt, } comb your hair, finish off the diet cola you started around 3:00 } a.m. Then, put a quart of oil your 1981 Honda Civic and drive to } the Quikpik and get some pecan twirls, a slim jim, and some } chocolate milk. } } Next, drop your laundry off at your mom's before heading to the } "Comic Connection." Spend 3 1/2 hours there, then go back to the } Quikpik and get a bag of cat litter, four bottles of diet cola, } popcorn, and a Stewart's Hot Sandwich (don't nuke it until you } get back to your apartment). } } Spend the rest of the day watching Star Trek reruns in your } underwear. } } Oh, yes, Have a Nice Day. } } You owe the Oracle a Life.