From oracle-request Tue Feb 25 12:20:55 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id MAA25717; Tue, 25 Feb 1997 12:20:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 12:20:55 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199702251720.MAA25717@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #888 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 888 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #888 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 12:20:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 888 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 883 119 votes iuuub 8nBEb 4fFAn gHzk5 8eKvk dlBlr 8uJjh gBvs7 5vHw8 8dovH 883 3.1 mean 2.9 3.2 3.5 2.6 3.3 3.2 3.1 2.8 3.1 3.7 --- 888-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All mighty oracle whose powers overcome my own, > > What effect would take place, if the Earth was released > from the sun's pull of gravity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } ------------------------- Oracle Labs -------------------------- } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } ----------- Supplicant Sponsored Research Division ------------- } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } -------- Managing Better Through World's Best Practice --------- } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } } Summary Lab Report - Supplicant Copy } } Problem: Describe the immediate and long term effects of the } collapse of gravitational attraction laws with respect } to the planet known as 'Earth' and the sun known as } 'Sol', aka 'The Sun'. } } Experimenters: } Primary - Oracle } Assistant - Zadoc } Various assorted minions. } } Description: } } We constructed a model Solar System. Physical features include Sun, } planets, asteroid belt, commets, and dust. Simulated physical forces } include gravity, solar wind, magnetic fields and electromagnetic } radiation. In addition, corrections are included for strong and weak } atomic forces and neutrino flux. } } Time is modelled on a 1:1000 scale so that any effects of the } experiment might be seen immediately. This means that the model earth } revolves around the model sun once every 8.766 hours. } } After a control period, the gravitational attractive force between } model sun and earth will be removed, and results observed. We believe } that the results observed in the model will also apply to the larger } system under similar circumstances, thus answering the supplicant's } question. } } We predict that the model earth will fly off into space when the } simulated gravitational force is removed. } } } Results: } } As our control, we allowed the earth to revolve around the sun } three times. Nothing unexpected was observed. } } At the conclusion of three rotations, the gravitational attractive } force between model sun and earth was removed. The model earth fell } to the floor and shattered into tiny bits. } } } Interpretation: } } Removing gravitational attractive force between sun and earth would } be bad. } } } Billing: } } As is our policy, Oracle Labs operates it's Supplicant Sponsored } Research Division on a 'cost plus' basis. } $ '000 } Solar System Model Equipment Rental (30hrs)............. 30 } Gravitional Generator Rental (30hrs).................... 15 } Neutrino Flux Correction Field Generator (30hrs)........ 45 } Hair dryer rental (Solar Wind Simulation) (30hrs)....... 1 } Mobile phone rental (em radiation simulation) (30hrs)... 15 } Model Earth Replacement................................. 150 } ----- } $256,000 } ===== } == All accounts Nett 30 days == --- 888-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose nose I'm not allowed to pick, tell your humble > servant what will happen when Microsoft starts to make automatic > pilots for airplanes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well for starters, I'm moving into a deep cave. } } Here's how air travel will work when Microsoft introduces the AirTub } 2000 (version 1.0). } } The passengers arrive at the airport gate, and look out of the window } to see a cigar-shaped vehicle outside on the apron, and large piles of } luggage sitting on the concrete underneath it. When asked about the } absence of wings, the gate attendant says "Wings don't come bundled } with this aircraft. Didn't any of you passengers bring a pair?" Upon } ascertaining that nobody has any wings, the airline puts a call in to } the maintenance department. Five hours later, a couple of flatbed } trucks roll up carrying two wings. A team of workers attaches the } wings to the plane. They are both right wings, so they install the one } on the left upside down. A surcharge of $1250 is added to each } passenger's ticket to cover the cost of the wings. } } Somebody wonders aloud when the luggage is going to be loaded onto the } plane. It develops that the passengers are required to install their } own luggage into the cargo bay. It takes two hours for somebody to } figure out how to open the doors. Once the luggage has been loaded, } all the passengers climb the rope ladder to the cabin. The seats all } face sideways. When asked why, one of the flight attendants says "It's } to make it easier to see out of the windows." } } An airline employee goes under the aircraft and presses a button } located beneath the fuselage to boot up the autopilot. The engines } buzz briefly, and then stop. This is repeated a couple of times, and } then the airline employee goes back to get the proper device driver for } the engines. } } Half an hour later, with the device driver installed, the engines } finally come to life. The autopilot taxis to the end of its assigned } runway. The aircraft is three feet wider than the taxiway, and it runs } over all the little blue lights down the right-hand side. A Cessna } parked on the apron gets in the plane's way, and it shears off the } Cessna's rudder. There is some damage to the AirTub's right wing, but } nobody notices. } } When it reaches the runway, the aircraft stops, waiting for clearance. } Eventually, the air traffic controller presses the "OK" button on his } console, and the plane takes off, cruising at a speed of 190 mph and an } altitude of 640 feet. The passengers discover that when one of them } goes into the lavatory, the air conditioning in the rest of the cabin } stops running. } } One of the passengers notices that the engines are making a sort of } coughing noise. It is presumed that they are infected with a virus. } } Five minutes later, the engines stop, and red lights start blinking all } over the passenger cabin. The flight attendant stands, claps for } attention, and announces, "The autopilot's had a general protection } fault. We need somebody to get out and reboot the plane." } } I'll leave the rest of version 1.0 up to your imagination. When it } reaches version 2.3, the AirTub autopilot will be pretty good - } comparable with the ones on the market in 1996. When version 6.0 is } introduced, it will no longer be an airplane. It will be a battleship. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket from Chicago to New York. On the train. --- 888-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the origin of the universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (0,0). } } You owe the Oracle an abscissa and an ordinate or two. --- 888-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great oracle, to whom a miss is as good as a mile, > > I bught a copy of _Ms._ magazine, and much to my dismay it contained > not a single word about Microsoft(tm). Please explain. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're not using Microsoft "PolarLenz" polarized light-filter reading } glasses, are you? Without those, the magazine appears only to contain } useless information about new revealing fashion styles and the female } menstrual cycle. } } For only $89 plus shipping (and, of course, the cost of the magazine } itself), you can enjoy all the latest top-secret information about } Microsoft that only an industrial spy or a regular newspaper reader } would know! } } Note that PolarLenz glasses can cause permanent vision damage and/or } blindness if worn for extended periods of time. This problem is } expected to be solved in the next revision. } } You owe the Oracle the latest version of Microsoft Intellect Explorer. --- 888-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mother Mother Iam Ill. > Call the Doctor over the hill. > In came the Doctor. > In came the Nurse. > In came the Lady with the Aligator purse. > That rhyme is always in my head how do I get it out. > If you help me I will be your eternal slave. > and so will my pet Woodchuck. > If you have plenty of wood. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, pal, lemme tell you how you DON'T get an irritating rhyme out of } your head. } } You DON'T do it by mentioning woodchucks to the Oracle. } } In any context. } } Smartass. } } You'll be pleased to know that the rhyme will stay in your head, } until the day you die. } } This may well be quite soon, because the rhyme will be accompanied by a } few other little tidbits. } } Namely: } } Space is big. } Space is dark. } It's hard to find } A place to park. } BURMA SHAVE } } And the Lord's Prayer. And the Black Mass. And the first million } digits of pi. } } And, while I'm at it, you can have a couple of songs going round and } round in your head too. "I Will Survive", "Fernando", "Onward Christian } Soldiers", "Advance Australia Fair", and the String Song from the } episode of The Goodies where they're all advertising men. } } That oughta do it. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the most amusing psychiatric evaluation } you receive this year. --- 888-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ak gak gak GAK ak GAK ak ak! > > Wak fak sak AK AK gak GAK! > > Bak tak ak ak ak GAK AK AK GAK! > > Gak ak ak GAK ak HAK HAK GAK! > > GAK HAK! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, tongue bathing your cat will give you hair balls. } } You owe the Oracle a lint brush --- 888-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what time is it in Italy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Itsa timeta zotta you. --- 888-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle mighty and wise! Oh most sober of all cybergods! > > Please tell me... > > Considering that my good friend James is quite a bit on the intoxicated > side, will he make it to his 8:30 class tomorrow?? > > In general, how much of a moral imperative is it to make it to a 8:30 > class? > > signed, > your loyal servant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, man "hic" wwww--wassup, maaan? um, to be untoxeeca- } intoxeecateinotoxecatee- "hic", um, a drunk, oh no no wait, the } question wuz about the class part. Ummmmm.. i don' gettit. What the } hell's a emperateeve? Uhh.... hey zadic.... gimme me magic wand } thing........"hic" I'ma gonna zoot this guy! "HIC!" } } (Oracle flushes and enters room) } O} Hey! who are you? What are you doing on the Oracular computer? } } J} Heeeeeey maaaan! Wassup, maaaan? "HIC!" Issme, James "hic" } } O} What are you doing here? You're intoxicated! } } J} Untoxee- HEY! You seddit! } } O} Of course I know how to say it! I know everything! } } J} Okayyyyyyy....then...........HOW mushhhhhh w- } } O} DON'T EVEN TRY IT! ZADOC! } (Zadoc runs into room clutching ZOT staff. He trips over empty beer } bottle and staff flies over to James.) } } J} Heeeey, man... what the hellsis this? } } O} No.....no! DON'T DRINK AND ZOT! } } (James stares confused at the staff) } J} Wassit do? } (James twists the head four times) } O} NO! } (James pushes the head down) } Z} Uh, oh, master, BIG zoot } (James taps it on the table twice) } O} No! Whatever you do--DON'T-- } Digital voice in staff: "Enter nuke password?" } } Zadoc: Don't say Zot the sucker! } } James: Z-zz-zOT the sukker? } } zzzZZzZZZzZZZzzZZZZzzZzzzzZZZzZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz } KKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! } } Oracle: No, James won't make his class. } } You owe the Oracle a Zot Staff with Star Trek Voice Print software. --- 888-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose followers are multitude, whose > socks *always* match, please tell me, > > How come it's always the "D"-string on my guitar that breaks > first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aren't you the happy one! Just think if it were your G-string! } } U o the O a gittar with no strings attached, and an axe to grind. --- 888-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle of non-insect-ingesting tendencies, why, oh why, did > she swallow the fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know why she swallowed that fly } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who played with seemingly abandoned bearcubs } I don't know why she played with seemingly abandoned bearcubs } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who split up from her friends while being } stalked by a homicidal maniac in a hockey mask } I don't know why she split up from her friends while being stalked } by a homicidal maniac in a hockey mask } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who made eye contact with a New Yorker } I don't know why she made eye contact with a New Yorker } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who was a red-shirted extra on Star Trek } I don't know why she was a red-shirted extra on Star Trek } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who broke up with OJ } I don't know why she broke up with OJ } I guess she'll die } } There was an old lady who tried to edit the Oracle's source } She died of course! } } You owe the Oracle the Sanskrit translation of "Second Verse! Same } as the First! Little bit louder anna little bit worse!".