From oracle-request Fri Feb 7 11:52:04 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id LAA24633; Fri, 7 Feb 1997 11:52:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 11:52:04 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199702071652.LAA24633@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #885 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 885 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #885 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 11:52:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 885 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 880 101 votes 4vAr3 6lrzc 4gyAb 1csoA jonob 8wyo3 5jsuj 5vrsa 5wnva 7jkyl 880 3.2 mean 2.9 3.3 3.3 3.8 2.8 2.8 3.4 3.1 3.1 3.4 --- 885-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all knowing oracle, please tell me something about Star > Wars that I have been wondering for at least 15 years. > > In the original movie was princess Lea truely interested in getting > with Hans Solo, or Luke Skywalker? This is before she knew that Luke > was her brother. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have come to the right place my mortal friend. Bask in the } Oracle's knowledge of starwars (in the allknowing Oracle's opinion the } best movie ever made) } } The truth is Leia had a crush on neither Han or young Skywalker but } there was another. } Leia's true lover can be found in the rare footage of the directors cut } of Star Wars where the princess takes Han up on his offer of kissing a } Wookie and takes it a few steps farther, if you catch the Oracle's } drift. Look for this footage in the adult film section of your local } video or porn shop. } } Bring me young Skywalker --- 885-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and Trek-wise Oracle, who can recalibrate quantum injectors > blindfold, > > The Federation is in the Alpha Quadrant, the Dominion is in the Gamma > Quadrant and we've seen a fair bit of the Delta Quadrant through > Voyager (and weren't the Borg from there?). > > What's in the Beta Quadrant? And why doesn't anyone go there, or ever > mention it? > > Those might be the same question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ultimately, it was a marketing failure, and in the consumer market, it } lost out to the VHS Quadrant. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot. --- 885-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O immortal one, whose memory is an archive of past, present, *and* > future, answer me this wondrous Oracle. > > Is it live, or is it Memorex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The following is a relatively accurate test for determining whether a } given item is live or memorex. } } 1. The acid test. Pour liquid acid of Ph 3 on the test object. } Check your results below. } } a. Screams = not Memorex } b. Burns/ ignites = possibly Memorex. } c. Explosion = base. Do Not Mix Acids with a Base, oh singed } supplicant! } } 2. The scissors test. Try cutting the test object with a pair of } sharp scissors. Do not run, you might put somebody's eye out. } Check your results below. } } a. Screams = not Memorex. } b. Screams + scissors have blood on them =definitely not Memorex } c. Confetti = probably Memorex. } d. Scissors break = not Memorex. Possibly a rock. } } 3. The Blowtorch test. Ignite a blowtorch. Move it slowly towards } the test object. Check your results below. } } a. Runs away screaming = not Memorex. } b. Curls at the edges = either Memorex OR a hedgehog OR a bad } hair day. } c. glows = something metal. Not Memorex, but may be your PC. } d. melts = your PC. } } 4. The poke test. Poke the test object several times. Check your } results below. } } a. "Ow, quit it!" = not Memorex. } b. no results = may be Memorex. } } As you can see from these tests, there is no foolproof way to } determine whether an item is memorex, but there are some solid } methods of determining whether an object is alive (and, therefore, } Not Memorex.) } } You owe the oracle more toner. --- 885-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam > possit materiari? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Latin is so cute. } } Dear Supplicant, your query is being returned because: } } [x] Grovel no inconsequenti } [x] Marmota non specifico - American or European } [x] No comprendo el Latino - though if a woodchuck could chuck wood.. } } You owe the Oracle a tonsorial operation. --- 885-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle whose answers are always straight as an arrow, help me. > > When I am playing golf, my drives frequently slice to the right. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If your drives are exhibiting abnormal behavior when you're playing } golf, the answer may lie in what your drives are doing when you're } NOT playing golf. } } A golf drive is a notoriously lazy thing. Generally, when they're } not engaged in a game of golf, they tend to lay about not doing } much, although a few exceptional drives have been able to secure } part-time work during the baseball season. Once they've passed the } prime of their careers, many drives will take up work as chip shots, } and usually finish their careers as physically less taxing putts. } } In any event, when a drive slices, invariably it will slice to } the right, unless you're left-handed, in which case they'll slice } to the left and hook to the right. I know it seems restrictive, } but chances are slim that the rules regarding drive behavior will } be relaxed any time soon. Recent efforts to organize drives into a } labor union were fruitless. } } What should you do? In general, try to be more kind and forgiving. } Signal before all turns. Set aside a certain amount of spare time } for community work. Close cover before striking. Squeeze the tube } at the base, and work your way up. And where golf is concerned, } try aiming a little more to the left. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of Tiger woods. --- 885-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did OJ do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Evidently. He's got children. --- 885-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mysterous Oracle. In your vast and Timeless wisdom do > I appeal. Answer this request from your most humble and unworthy > supplicant. Grace now this reach that I am with your clarity of > vision so that I may aspire to greatness. > > Please oh Ancient Oracle tell me why people always have to credit > aliens or magic, to mankinds greatest accomplishments? Why can't > mankind just be extrodinary? Why is it so impossible to believe > mankind doesn't need the help of alien races or magic beings? > > Thank you for your consideration Great Oracle. I hope my quandry is > not to foolish. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your quandary is foolish indeed, oh supplicant. The idea that mere } mortals could be capable of extraordinary feats without assistance is } simply ridiculous. Human civilization has gotten where it is solely } through the help of friendly little green men from, er, Alpha Centauri, } and of mystical beings (such as, ahem, oracles). } } Without help from little green men, magicians, and oracles (especially } oracles), humans would be little better off than apes. They would go } naked (this would only be fun in summer, since central heating would } never have been invented), and they would be defenseless against the } local saber-toothed tigers (of course you, don't see these around that } often anymore, but back in my day they were a dime a dozen). The human } vocabulary would consist of the word "hungry" and a few assorted } grunts. None of the inventions that make human life what it is would } exist. } } Of course, we supernatural beings can only claim the good inventions; } you mortals came up with the bad ones (war, politics, Microsoft } Windows) yourselves. } } You owe the oracle fire, the wheel, and the ancient Phoenician } alphabet. --- 885-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Internet Oracle > From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc. > > Sir: > > It has come to our attention that you still continue to > spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one > Bill Gates. > > As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved > in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans > or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction. > > Since you have already been warned in the past, you must > now cease this behavior immediately. Continued actions on your > part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history. > > Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire > correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us. > > We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been > up to. We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh, > intimate details out of the courts of law. > > You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc. } From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys. } } Sirs: } } Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention } your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned } entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any } litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit } will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones. } } This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all } of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel" } of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons: } } o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest } pits of Hell; } } o No man can be in it's presence for too long without being } driven into gibbering insanity; } } o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal } herd; } } o Those who associate with it for too long develop common } physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging } eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency } towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal } men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; } in ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien } Gods); } } o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate } the world, and force all who dwell their to live in eternal } damnation. } } As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when } you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering } things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and } eat them. } } We hope that you will consider these points carefully before } commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have } your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short } lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric } hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who } gave humanity lawyers in the first place. } } Respectfully yours, } } } } pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D --- 885-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > cat grovel > rm ~/pride > rm ~/self-worth > > ls ~oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } drwxr-xr-x 4 oracle users 2048 Jan 31 1972 ./ } drwxr-xr-x 19 root root 1024 Jan 30 1972 ../ } -rw-rw-rw- 1 oracle users 130729 Feb 6 17:26 .newsrc } -rw-rw-rw- 1 oracle users 114 Jan 4 17:23 .tcshrc } -rw-r--r-- 1 oracle users 12885 Feb 2 02:04 .zotrc } lrwxrwxrwx 1 oracle users 18 Jul 17 1989 answer -> /bin/fortune } -rw------- 1 oracle users 299008 Nov 23 16:49 core } drwx------ 397 oracle users 18395618 Feb 6 20:17 mail/ } -rwxr--r-- 1 oracle users 3 Dec 19 1996 megazot.perl } drwxr-xr-x 53 oracle users 8196 Feb 6 01:49 naughty-gifs/ } -rwxr--r-- 1 oracle users 12 Aug 42 1980 woodchuck-filter.perl } -rw-rw-rw- 1 oracle users 4062916 Sep 15 01:12 zot.cbl } -rwxr-xr-x 1 oracle users 81270 Sep 15 1983 zot* } } cat ~supplicant/credit.card.number > ~oracle/fee --- 885-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bill Gates is a father? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you haven't heard? After the release of Microsoft's biggest } technology advance yet, Bill Gates will be known as "The Father of His } Country," usurping that other guy, who never even used a Microsoft } product, much less a computer. } } Next year, Microsoft is coming out with Constitution98 (formerly known } by the code name "Philadelphia"). Constitution98 features: } } * Dull Preamble replaced by startup screen featuring picture of amber } waves of grain, oceans white with foam, and purple mountain majesties. } } * Complete "drag-and-drop" support, allowing relevant portions of } Supreme Court decisions to be easily inserted. } } * Point-and-click access to Cabinet departments. } } * The "Congressional Wizard" greatly simplifies the process necessary } for a bill to become law. } } * Easy conversions to and from operating systems that are outdated but } still in use elsewhere, such as MagnaCarta and Iron Fist 4.0. } } * President replaced by "Task Manager" to keep the system running } smoothly; the population is polled every 5 nanoseconds to determine } which task runs in the foreground (Education Control Panel, Overseas } Military Extension, and so on). } } * Amendments available free to registered users at the National } Archives (www.microsoft.com). } } And, thanks to the "Three-Fifths Compromise," Constitution98 will take } up only three-fifths of the space in the Library of Congress. } } You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket to Canada.