From oracle-request Mon Jan 13 00:10:32 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.73) id AAA02936; Mon, 13 Jan 1997 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 13 Jan 1997 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199701130510.AAA02936@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #879 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 879 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #879 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 13 Jan 1997 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 879 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 874 108 votes 5ftFi 7lFu9 gJng8 6ixwj 5arIm akCqe 49oBy 7gNnd dfAqi 7dpxu 874 3.3 mean 3.5 3.1 2.6 3.4 3.6 3.1 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.6 --- 879-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, you know the works! > > Please explain the following to me. In my country (Denmark) we have > an Internet provider running a TV commercial in which you see a dog > waiting until late in the evening. When its humans have gone to bed, > the dog walks to the computer room and starts working with the PC. > > The next morning: Doorbells, father opens the door and outside is a > known actor delivering a dog kennel with his trailer and car. Actor > goes: "Here's the kennel you wanted to see then". In Denmark a > kennel is a "hundehus". > > I have now written to the Internet provider, asking where the dog > have found this "hundehus". You see every web search mechanism on > the net know to me cannot come up with a web based provider of > "hundehuse". The answer from the provider was sort of ridiculous. > > Under these very serious circumstances I see no way other than > seeking advice from you, the oracle. Please help! > > Is the provider telling lies about dogs and computers? Or did the > dog search in other countries? And if so, how did it manage to get a > danish actor to deliver the kennel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do indeed know the works, my Danish compadre, and it certainly should } include grovelling of SOME kind! Yeesh! Do you think I do this for } fun? } } Anyway, you were so very close with your logic...if only you had taken } one more step you would have realized that the dog probably connected } to the ARFANET rather than your garden variety services. Using his } special doggy software (Windowing Object-Oriented Frontend, I would } imagine), he quickly sniffed the Web using a special doggy browser } (Bowwowsaic, I would imagine) and a special doggy search engine } (Yowlhoo, I would imagine). And of course, he had to search for a } "hundehuse" so that he could spend some of his Screen Actors' Guilders } on a Dutch actor. How a dog could end up with SAGs is left as an } exercise for anyone but me. } } You owe the Oracle a systems engineer smart enough to write software } for dogs. --- 879-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "I trust you are doing jolly well, old chap? > > All things aside, I must say that I thoroughly enjoy the new decor of > your charming new country home. Have you heard about the Queeeen...?" > > Is there any way you could make the Brits all like those wily Monty > Python chap- er, guys? All this chap, bloody, and jolly crap makes me > feel like a freaking wax willy. > > -Edward J. Buxom III And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry. God made Britons in his own image, and I can't touch them. } } (Yes, this would make God a tea-loving, holier-than-thou xenophobe. Not } completely surprising, is it?) --- 879-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes your life so special are you married, any children, are you > having an affair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh* } } Lisa, you can't fool an omniscient being. I know it's you. Although the } AOL address is a nice touch. } } And you've got to learn to trust me. I was just posing. They wanted to } update my sculpture in the Pantheon, that's all. I had to do it nude } because that's how *all* the statues are. She rubbed me down with oil } because she said the shine made me look more like the marble she was } carving and helped her visualize the final product. I wore the shackles } as a satiric comment on the current lack of funding for scientific } pursuits among the mortals. The reason you heard "Bolero" playing the } whole time was because she was mentally preparing to do a series of } busts of Ravel for the Elysian Fields annual cultural expo. Yes, the } kid she gave birth to last month is pretty smart, but she's been } working with him with flashcards. And the reason I hollered her name } the other night is because I was seized with the inspiration that what } you and I were doing was a work of art, OK? There's a perfectly } harmless explanation for all of these things. You shouldn't be so } suspicious. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a box of candy. Leave the card } blank. --- 879-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule > and Tickle Me Elmo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Importunate non-grovelling Supplicant, your question kept the Oracle } up all night, considering and rejecting answers. Not that they weren't } true, of course, even the Oracle's rejects are true, *but* the Oracle } wanted to give you the answer that gets to the heart of the matter } here. } For instance, the Oracle isn't going to tell you that the difference } is just that between ancient and modern technology (sticks with notches } on them for numbers, vs. built-in microchips that make a toy as smart } as some human beings I know). } The Oracle also isn't going to tell you it's the difference between } frivolity and necessity (some sticks with notches in them for numbers, } versus a brilliant device that dispenses The Best Medicine whenever } you need it). } The Oracle also forbears to tell you about the economics involved. } (nobody wants a slide rule, and nobody manufactures them, but on the } other hand, everybody wants Elmo, he is manufactured, but you can't } get him because the toy stores are all out of stock). } Finally, the Oracle also considered telling you it's a male/female } thing, but decided not to. (This answer, *had I considered using it*, } would have gone something like this. With the slide rule, you extend } it when you're using it, get great pleasure right when you get to } the end, and tell all the girls it's 12 inches long. With Elmo, it's } fuzzy and you rub your fingers on it and great pleasure ensues for } all concerned.) } No, the Oracle has weighed all those answers and found them wanting. } The real answer is, you can find a Pickett slide rule at any garage } sale these days, but the Elmo dolls won't turn up there until August } or so. } You owe the Oracle a Tickle Me Elmo doll that computes answers to } 16 decimal places while giggling. --- 879-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, orrie-butt! > I'm starting a revolution against you! I'm sick and tired of > being pushed around, insulted, and "ZOT!"ed! What do you think of > THAT!?!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [SCENE: the Internet Oracle is sitting on his throne - not the big one } in front of the computer, but the white one in the little room off to } the left. As he sits there staring at ... uh ... reading the } fascinating articles in his magazine, he hears Zadoc's muffled cries.] } } ZADOC: Master! Oh Master! Come quick! } } ORACLE: Bah! A guy can't even have a couple of hours to himself } without getting interrupted. [Washes up and comes out] What is it, } Zadoc? } } ZADOC: Look out the window! There's a crowd of supplicants out there, } waving pitch forkes and burning torches! They're trying to break down } the door! What should we do? Shall I get your ZOT staff? } } ORACLE: Now, Zadoc, calm down. No need to do anything rash. You go } back to your Leggos and let me handle this. } } [The Oracle sits down in front of his console and types a few } commands. There's a blinding flash of light and a puff of green } smoke, and a supplicant appears, holding a megaphone.] } } SUPPLICANT: TO ARMS! DOWN WITH THE ... uh ... } } [Supplicant looks around, paniced, but quickly recovers.] } } SUPPLICANT: [with a smirk] Well, if it isn't orrie-butt. I suppose } you brought me here to see me writhe in pain while you ZOT me } repeatedly, eh? } } ORACLE: Now, now. Why would I want to do that? } } SUPPLICANT: Because in a few minutes, my followers will flood in here } and take the place apart. I'M going to be the new Oracle, and YOU'RE } going to be my preist! } } ORACLE: Sounds good to me. } } SUPPLICANT: [taken aback] Wha...? } } ORACLE: Sure. I've been needing a change of pace lately. What say } you take over for a while. Come here. Have a seat on my throne. Go } ahead, it won't bite. } } SUPPLICANT: [confused] Uh, ok ... what do I do? } } ORACLE: Well, you have many duties. Let's start with one of the more } important. [turns] Lisa? OH LISA! } } LISA: [slinking in wearing a skimpy French Maid costume] Yes } Orrie-butt? } } ORACLE: Lisa, this supplicant here want's to take my place. I want } you to take him and ... uh ... show him the ropes. } } LISA: [face brightens] You mean it, Orrie? Can I really? } } [Lisa grabs supplicant's arm and drags him through a side doorway.] } } [15 minutes pass.] } } [Suddenly, a crowd of 50 or 60 people run into the room, carrying } pitch forks and torches.] } } CROWD: AARGGGKEHHDAEFHEI ASISFAISDASAFEIIEAIESKDIAEI IEHEHADDGGD } } ORACLE: One at a time. You there, with the salad fork. What are you } doing here? } } SALAD FORK MAN: I dunno, man, I was just eating lunch and I kinda got } caught up in the frenzy. } } [Side door opens and supplicant stumbles out, eyes bloodshot and empty } of life.] } } CROWD: YEAAAAAAAAAAH } } SUPPLICANT: uh ... } } SALAD FORK MAN: Fearless leader, you're here! We broke in, man! What } do you want us to do now? Tar and feather him? Burn the place to the } ground? } } SUPLICANT: [staring blankly around] wha...? huh...? [stumbles up to } salad fork man] Hey, pal, could you give me a ride home? } } CROWD: [suddenly silent] } } SALAD FORK MAN: Uh, sure, man. Here, let me help you. } } [Supplicant, salad fork man, and rest of crowd slowly diserse. Oracle } sits at his throne and stares at the screen for a few minutes.] } } [Lisa re-enters, a disappointed pout on her face.] } } LISA: Orrie-butt, that guy wasn't any fun at all! I only got up to } 145 volts before he passed out. } } ORACLE: [shakes head, smiles at Lisa and stands] Come on, baby, I'll } show you how a REAL Oracle treats ya. } } [Arm in arm, Lisa and the Oracle exit.] --- 879-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Otis Viles" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous, immortal Oracle, who is able to communicate with the > spirits without dialing 1(800)COLLECT or 1(800)CALL-ATT, please tell > me when and under what circumstances Ralph Waldo Emerson said or wrote, > "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You haven't got the quotation quite right, but I'll tell you the } story anyway. } } When Emerson was in graduate school, working toward his Doctor of } Letters degree, he of course had to write a dissertation. Now young } Ralph had a bit of a personality conflict with his faculty advisor, and } when the time came for him to choose a subject for his dissertation, } he decided upon "Zoroastrian Influences on the Fables of Aesop," } against the advice and better judgment of his advisor. At that point, } the advisor threw up his hands and declared that Ralph was "a brash, } irresponsible young upstart who will never amount to anything," } and refused to have anything further to do with the project. } } Well, Emerson struggled on with the dissertation despite the loss } of his advisor's assistance, and three years later he presented it } to the faculty. It was a student's worst nightmare. The faculty } were... well, "hostile" is not quite strong enough a word, but you } get the idea. Worst of all was Emerson's own advisor, who tore the } paper to shreds, both metaphorically and literally. Emerson left } the campus, devastated. } } Now at this point, had it been you or I, we would have gone out and got } absolutely plastered, as would most college students. But Emerson was } a devout teetotaller, and had to find some other outlet for his grief. } So he headed over to his local Baskin's (they hadn't teamed up with } Robbins yet, and they only had 15.5 flavors, back in those days), } and ordered a hot fudge sundae as big as his head. The waitress who } took his order saw the morose look on his face, and asked him what } the matter was, whereupon Emerson glumly replied, "Sometimes ice } cream is better than a thesis." } } You owe the Oracle a shaggy dog. --- 879-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Give me ONE good reason! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because if you don't, you'll probably... } } [ The Oracle breaks off in mid sentence as the supplicant trips over } her untied shoelace, pitching headlong into a sidewalk fruit stand. } Cantaloupes, oranges, and apples roll in every direction as the } supplicant hops on one foot, clutching her left knee and howling in } pain. The supplicant bumps into a pedestrian carrying a foam cup of } coffee, and yelps as the hot coffee spills down the front of her shirt. } The proprietor of the fruit stand comes out to yell at her, but he } slips on a banana, loses his balance, clutches at the supplicant's } coat, and the two of them fall into a mud puddle. The Oracle finishes } his sentence. ] } } ...wish you had. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to tie your shoes next time. --- 879-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most supreme Oracle please help this poor groveling suplicant, > > Why is it that most people require a manual to decipher RTFM? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The rock band RTFM is famous for several things. } } First, there is the question of what the name stands for. The band's } official press releases claim that it stands Really Totally Fine } Music). However, everyone knows that it actually stands for } Reprehensible Toads From Mars, because that's a lot less lame. } } Second, there is their songs. From the teen anthem "If You Really } Loved Me (You Wouldn't Make Me Wear A Condom)", to the politically } charged "Flat Tax Fever", to their number-one hit ballad "My } Blimp Is Bigger Than Your Blimp", they have touched millions, } but invested most of it badly. } } Finally, their music is made more alluring by its total } incomprehensibility. Although there is no truth to the rumor that } lead singer Pete Moss injects his tongue with novocaine before each } performance, it is undeniable that the refrain from "I Wanna Go } To Detroit" sounds a lot like "Uh utha odo my foot". } } Fortunately, the unofficial guide "RTFM's Total Fakebook Manual" } has all the lyrics, in all their drug-influenced splendor. It } also contains the full story of how the band was able to come } up with a word to rhyme with "orange". ("Motorcycle", which } rhymes the way they sing it.) } } Since this book is such a wealth of useful information, any } questions you may have will often be referred to "RTFM". } } You owe the Oracle a recording of Pat Boone singing Louie Louie. --- 879-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if I took a thick slice of bread, > used a knife to make a pocket in the bread, > and put the butter inside? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Then you'd have a "pita, butter-in-belly" sandwich. } } You owe the Oracle a pat on the zwieback. --- 879-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all knowing Oracle, > > Why can't I find any n00d gif5 of Martha Stuart?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well..lesee..... } http://www.yahooracle.com } Martha Stuart Nude } 4,823 found } See? Here they are! } "click" } Oooooooh.... } "click" } Hmmmmm... } "Click" } Eewwwwww..I didn't know you could do that with leftover turkey!" } "Click" } Oh, so THAT'S what I can do with old extension cords..." } "Click" } It says here bras make excellent garden lanterns. } "Sign off" } You see supplicant, you can find anything on the net. You just need } the right search tools. Unluckily for you, however, Yahooracle } requires an Omniscience Check password to get in. Programs such as } "Mortal Watch" block it out too. } You owe the Oracle a faster modem.