From oracle-request Tue Nov 26 08:50:08 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.3/IUCS.1.62) id IAA13428; Tue, 26 Nov 1996 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199611261350.IAA13428@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #871 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 871 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #871 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 08:50:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 871 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 866 131 votes nuuxf 4qDHj ezRl8 htDpl 6ozDr 4l*y8 AxFg5 47lJS 8zKx9 2oGyt 866 3.2 mean 2.9 3.4 2.8 3.0 3.4 3.2 2.4 4.1 3.0 3.5 --- 871-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most observational and observable Oracle, answer me this (if of > course it comes to your attention): > > My cat claims to be enough of an observer to cause probability function > collapse and that Schrodinger didn't know what he was talking about. > > Can you help clear this up? I am having trouble accepting the word of > a cat over that of an eminent scientist. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A small "ding" is heard from the newly appointed Oracle Priestess' } computer, and she jerks her head up from her sleep. } } "Huh? Wha...? Oh. Hmm. A cat, eh? Never did trust cats too much myself, } but, what the hey..." The Priestess pushes a button, and the } supplicant's cat appears before her. } } "Miao.. Who are you?" the cat asks disinterestedly, not waiting for a } response before returning to its bathing rituals. } } "A Priestess of the Oracle. I hear you are skeptical of a certain E. } Schrodinger?" } } The cat sniffs airily. "I'm skeptical of *all* humans, but this guy } really takes the catnip." } } The Priestess nods, and ponders for a moment. "Well, there's only one } way to settle this, then." And with that, she picks up the protesting } cat and deposits it in a small steel chamber. "We'll know in an hour } who was right, so just sit tight." Despite the cat's pleading "miaos", } the Priestess closes the lid. } } An hour passes. Using the power of the Oracle, and the excellent } graphics on her computer, the Priestess checks in on Kitty. She finds } that the cat, apparently mistaking the hammer for some sort of toy, had } knocked it into the vial of hydrocyanic acid, which, of course, spelled } an even earlier demise for the cat, who was very definitely dead. The } Priestess nods, and begins an e-mail to the supplicant: } } "Dear Supplicant, } } "They were both wrong. Ultimately, curiosity really did kill the cat. } } "P.S. Sorry about your cat. Have you ever considered adopting a puppy?" } } You owe the Oracle a new flask of hydrocyanic acid. --- 871-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh cunning and clued-up Oracle, whose secret meetings I am not > worthy to attend, even under an assumed name; > > While browsing through the Vatican's sealed archives the other > day (their tourguides are terribly lax about security) I came > across a file labelled "Excised Verses, Psalms to Revelations". > Intrigued, I opened it up and discovered the following, written > in a shaky hand on a torn piece of goat skin: > > "...And these also shall be blessed; > Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy; > Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get > jobs in Marketing; > Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea, > even unto truckloads; > But thrice blessed shall be the nerds, for - " > > At that moment I noticed Cardinal Assassini (the Pope's > Punisher, the Cardinal of Carnage, the Bishop of - but you get > the idea) attempting to sneak up on me, so I had to shin up the > heating pipes and make my escape across the rooftops. > > I am currently hiding out, but I have to know - how does it finish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh suspicious supplicant, } The Excised verse you ponder is from Psalms 1:36, Verses 12-19. } The complete verse should be as follows: } Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy; } Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get } jobs in Marketing; } Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea, even } unto truckloads; } But thrice blessed shall be the Nerds, for they shall truly know } their Lord, God, who shall walk among the mortals, yea, even then shall } the Nerds be the only true worshippers; } And God, their Lord, shall bestow upon them the USENET: and God } shall say unto them: "Go Forth, and Post: But Spam not and ruin this, } the holiest of holies; for if but one of you Spams upon this, My } USENET, then all shall pay"; } And Man did Post, and Spam, and God looked, and saw all the evil } in the world; and God did say: "My people need a guide; I shall create } one in my fashion, omnipotent and all-powerful"; } And God did create the Oracle, and there was much rejoicing, for } all Spams were punnished with a Zot. --- 871-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the e-mail address for technical-assistance for Word Perfect > 6.1 (Windows). I have a problem that I need to let them know of for > solution. Thank you And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple: The address is: } no.longer.st@e.of.the.art --- 871-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear newbie/supplicant, } } If you want to compose e-mail messages on your Apple Newton you have to } use the correct type of pen. Don't worry, felt pen ink is } water-soluble. } } Maybe you should go back to practising with your etch-a-sketch. --- 871-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE I ASK OF YOU TO PLEASE SHARE SOME OF YOUR > BRILLIANCY WITH ME AND TO TELL ME WHAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE: > MISTAH KURTZ AND "A PENNY FOR THE OLD GUY" > > ALL THAT I KNOW IS THAT ONE OF THEM IS FROM A NOVEL AND THAT ONE OF > THEM HAS TO DO WITH AN ANTI-HERO. > > THANK YOU MUCH! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop screaming! I can hear you just fine. Since I'm omniscient, I } already know what you were going to ask anyway, so you don't have to be } so loud. } } Unfortunately for you, there are mysteries mere mortals were not meant } to know, and the meaning of "a penny for the Old Guy" is one. I could } tell you, but your brain would explode. As a consolation however, I can } tell you that poor old T.S. transcribed my answer to his question } wrong... here is the actual poem I gave him as a response to his } supplication "Dear Oracle, how may I torture high school English } students long after my death?" Enjoy! } } The Hollow Men } Oracle, T. Internet (Immortal) } as told to T.S. Eliot } } MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD. } A penny for the Old Guy } I } } We are the supplicants } We are the clueless } Spamming together } CAPS LOCK STUCK DOWN. Alas! } Our silly questions, when } We mail together } Are postmodern and meaningless } As John Travolta's career } I'd rather eat broken glass } Than watch him "act" } } Mail without questions, Answers with the question quoted, } Paralysing ignorance, questions without wit; } } Those who have read } With direct eyes, the Oracle help file } Pity you--if at all--not as cute } Helpless newbies, but only } As the supplicants } The clueless. } } II } } Lusers I dare not meet on IRC } In MUDs' dream kingdoms } These do not appear: } There, the flames are } Scorching a Usenet group } There, with CAPS LOCK SCREAMING } Their voices are } across the network stinging } More irritating and more uninformed } Than a Baywatch star. } } Let me be no nearer } In MUDs' dream kingdoms } To the fanboys who wear } Such deliberate disguises } Of lesbians, hackers, or K00L D00DZ } In a newsgroup } Crossposting as the wind blows, } No relevance-- } } Not that Cookie Recipe again! } That's so old it has hair on it } } III } } This is the flame war land } This is spam land } Here the GET RICH QUICK hopes } Are raised, here the Oracle receives } The supplication of computer geeks } Under the flurorescent lights of the computer lab. } } Is it like this } In the real world } Hacking alone } At the hour when we are } Trembling with caffeine } Lips that have never kissed } Form prayers to the compiler. } } IV } } The ideas are not here } There are no ideas here } In this newsgroup of flames and spams } In this unmoderated newsgroup } This alt.folklore.computers } } In this last of meeting places } We grep together } and avoid the binaries } Searching for the perfect killfile } } Dateless, unless } There's a female engineer } In their class } Multifoliate rose } Who is impressed by Star Trek references } The hope only } Of lonely men. } } V } } Your question goes round the Oracle's queue } Oracle's queue Oracle's queue } Your question goes round the Oracle's queue } Do askme's until it gets empty. } } Between Canter } And Siegal } Between the scientologists } And the Jehovah's witnesses } Falls the shadow } For Thine is the Internet } } Between the woodchuck question } And the null question } Between the chicken question } And the response } Falls the Shadow } Your questions are very bad } } Between the GET RICH QUICK } And the spam } Between the chain letters } and the hoaxes } Between the MAC USERS ARE DUMB AS DOGSH*T } And the ATARI STs RULE! } Falls the Shadow } For Thine is the Internet } } For thine is } Life is } For Thine is the } } This is the way the 'net ends } This is the way the 'net ends } This is the way the 'net ends } Not with a but a whimper. --- 871-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good heavens. Hold on a second. } } Here, kitty, kitty... nice kitty. A little closer, come on... } MEEEEOWRRRRR! HISS! HISS! SLASH! Give me that!!! MRRRRRRROWWWRR } } } There you go. I guarantee that cat won't even *think* of messing } with your tongue now. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber mouse. --- 871-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > !Oh hot-wired and succulent Oracle; > > What may it be that we all shall quest for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wet kisses. Free parking. Non-stifling education. Pick-up baseball } on Sundays. Responsible government. Civil rights. Cherry PEZ. } Brighter colors and whiter whites. Another 8 Meg and bigger hard drive. } Real grass. A four-day work week. Great taste. A way to look good } without diet or exercise. Fewer guns. More cats. Free haggis for } everyone. The Cubs in the series. Laughs on Saturday Night Live. } Anarchy. B-movies on late-night television. The hidden "water" level } of Marble Madness. Thick, juicy, steaks. Lisa. The perfect garbage } collection alogrithm. Peace in our time. An edible rice cake. } Justice tempered with mercy. The location of Waldo. A tall cold } glass of milk. Life. Liberty. Happiness. Skittles. A commercially } viable implementation of Scheme. SCTV reruns. Legitimate theatre } on Broadway. Really salty pretzles. The road to wisdom. The door } to enlightenment. Backstage passes. A readable instruction manual. } Batteries. The right screwdriver for the job. Clean water. The lowest } long distance rates. Civility. Post-it notes that stay up. More sex } on television. Interest-free student loans. Montreal-style bagels. } Comfortable dress shoes. The reason for the turnip. The chance } to sleep in. Food for the hungry. Rocket packs, picture phones } and electric cars. A uniquely American architecture. Solar power. } Cold fusion. The admiration of our colleagues and friends. Cuteness. } Perspicacity. A witty response from every incarnation of the Oracle. } Wings and/or gills. Love. Fun. Sex. Chocolate. } } You owe the Oracle one of each. --- 871-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wondrous Oracle, that knowest all > I am the lowliest of them all, > but couldst thou answer for me, please... > Whyfore must I close my eyes when I sneeze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Humble Supplicant, do not fret, } For you will have your answer yet, } But talking of your noisy sneezes } Don't forget they spread diseases. } } So put this question to yourself, } (I assume you are in perfect health), } What do others do when sneezing, } Coughing, picking noses, wheezing? } } You put your hand over your nose, } Otherwise the sneeze just blows, } Over every other person, } And that just leaves them angry, cursing! } } So, on your hand the sneeze, it bounces, } Several slimey fluid ounces, } And it will bounce back in your face, } Makes a mess all o'er the place. } } So, to protect your precious eyes, } Now this may come as no surprise, } Your little tiny eyelids close, } Against the contents of your nose. } } So, there you have it - your reply, } I hope it leaves you high and dry, } For helping you resolve these issues, } You owe the oracle a box of tissues. --- 871-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, Who's underarm I am not worthy to smell, > Please bestow upon me a litlle of your genius and tell me, why am > I always tired ??? > > Your humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was your 96 hour non-stop campaign just before the election. } } You owe the Oracle a good long hibernation. --- 871-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and wonderful Oracle, answer, I beg my question. I ask > you because most certainly nobody else can: > > What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well at first Tooth Fairy Inc. did very little with the teeth. Mostly } they would use the teeth to fill in some holes and the profit margin } was minimal. This all changed when Fairy Tale Industries and their } CEO Cole Gate bought out Tooth Fairy Inc. in a leveraged buyout. Mr. } Gate had the stroke of genius of taking the teeth and using them for } calcium supplements. Now anyone who buys calcium supplements will tell } you that there is some serious money to be had in nutritional aids. } This is particularly true when you are just passing out a few quarters } here and there and are getting $6.98 a bottle for your product. } } This arrangement worked nicely until in the early seventies the Mafia } got into the act. Lead by Jimmy "The Tooth" DeKay they muscled Fairy } Tale out of the business. To make matters worse they threatened } parents with a "an ache that won't stop" if they didn't pay the kids } the quarter themselves. Now the Mafia had managed to acquire the } product for free and still could making a killing off the supplements. } This all worked well until the famed prosecutor Calvin Edward Tee } attacked the Mafia. Cav. E. Tee took the rotten Tooth off the streets } and the Mafia's brush with the law took made them toothless. } } Which of course lead to the Colombian drug lords taking over. } Under the leadership of Mo Lar the Colombians found a better way } of making money with teeth. Instead of calcium supplements, they } would grind the teeth and mix it with the cocaine that they were } shipping around the world. When you are getting $70 an ounce for } something, I think you can comprehend the value of a singular tooth. } This all ended in 1991 in the famous "Armed to the Teeth" scandal } where American teeth were being shipped to Columbia in exchange for } money which purchased arms which went to the Middle East. } } Since 1991 the common wisdom on teeth is that the US government } collects the teeth and holds them in a restricted area in the Nevada } desert to sap aliens of their strength. } } You owe the Oracle an estimate on how many the chickens the Easter } Bunny has.