From oracle-request Fri Nov 15 12:18:25 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.6/IUCS.1.62) id MAA15934; Fri, 15 Nov 1996 12:18:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 12:18:25 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199611151718.MAA15934@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #869 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 869 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #869 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 12:18:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 869 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 864 123 votes bTwm3 5mEHd 3hSCb 3oLH6 2mtDv fAFkb doywk Hzs98 9lBEg 6kwwx 864 3.1 mean 2.6 3.3 3.3 3.2 3.6 2.8 3.2 2.2 3.3 3.5 --- 869-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Noooooooo ... really? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's more or less right. Although most Scotchmen don't actually } make the word *quite* so long. } } 'Noo' or 'Nooo' is usually sufficient. Lets try a few simple phrases: } } 'Hoots mon!' (Trans: 'Bless you!') } } 'Och aye the noo!' (Trans: 'Oops, nearly forgot to buy a newspaper.') } } 'It's a raw bricht moonlicht nicht!' (Trans: 'These scrambled eggs are } undercooked!') } } With a little more practice you should soon be as fluent as any native. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the English-Gjuxkir Gjuxkir-English } dictionary. --- 869-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most great and lofty oracle, heed my cry. > I ask you: How may I access IRC from the Microsoft Network, which > I despise and loathe, but it is the only way... > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > xxxxx.xxxxx@xxxxx.xxxx.xxx [edited by Priest] > "Humanity i love you because when you're hard up you pawn your > intelligence to buy a drink" -e.e. cummings, Humanity i love you > Quid est tam incertam quam telorum? -Cicero, de divinatione II, 121 > (What is more uncertain that a cast of the dice?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Cicero! What a great old bird he was! "Salus populi suprema est } lex," yes indeedy! "Mens cuiusque is est quisque." "Fac me cocleario } vomere." (He was sloshed at the time he came out with that one. I } know - I was there) } } But I don't think he was really stretching his imagination when he } asked what was more uncertain than the cast of the dice. Let's face it } - oodles of things are! The fall of the sparrow. The mind of a woman. } The British Rail timetable. The next innovation to rock the Net. How } my hollandaise sauce will turn out. How many more husbands Liz Taylor } will get through before she finally pegs it. Where the next major } ethnic conflict will flare up. Which butterfly will have the honor } of starting the next hurricane to devastate to Carolina coast. That } sure-fire tip for the 3:30 at Haymarket. Jim Carrey's acting talents. } The Italian lira. Whether the campus network will get through the day } tomorrow without breaking down once. Consistency of sexual performance } after reaching the age of 1500 (Lisa asked me to put that one in). } Internet-related stocks. The effect of contingency upon evolution. } What the Schroedinger's cat is up to inside the box. The soundness of } your bowels after that third mutton vindaloo... } } What do you mean, that wasn't your question? Oh, I see - your question } is higher up. Well, for goodness sake, I wish you'd put your question } mark in the right place! } } e. e. cummings didn't use capitals because the caps key had broken off } his p.c. So now you know. } } You owe the Oracle your MSN account. --- 869-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So , wise guy eh? Ok , so tell me , how come , in space , if there is > absolutely nothing in space - i.e a vacuum, then how come it takes so > blinking long for space ships to get to the moon, or mars or some such > place ? If they're travelling through nothing, then why can't they get > to where they want to in a split second, because if nothing is nothing > yeah....then there's nothing for them to fly through, so therefore they > should be at their destination instantaneously, but obviously they > aren't. So what is it they are flying through for ages? Why can't > spaceships travel at the speed of light, as there isn't any friction or > anything to prevent them from travelling that fast is there ? I mean , > as friction and gravity are the only things that acts against them in > an air filled atmosphere - in a vacuum, there is neither - therefore no > opposing forces - so why can't they huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same reason it takes you 160 words to ask a ten word question. } } You owe the Oracle a better twit filter. --- 869-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Grandiose and Tumescent of Oracles, > > I beseech of you, bestow upon me a random tidbit of your wisdom, for I > am in need of inspiration. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh, Oracle, you are so BIG, so absolutely huge, gosh, we're all } > really impressed down here I can tell you. } > } > Forgive me, O Oracle, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced } > flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super. } > } > Oh Orrie, please don't zot us, } > Don't grill or toast your flock. } > Don't put me on the barbecue, } > Or summer me in stock, } > Don't braise or bake or boil me, } > Or stir-fry me in a wok... } > } > Oh, please don't lightly poach me, } > Or baste me with hot fat, } > Don't fricassee or roast me, } > Or boil me in a vat, } > And please don't stick thy supplicant } > In a Rotissomat... } > } > } > ... well, now for something completely different, where WAS the } > fish in the middle of the film? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } I'm an omnipotent being, } } And have been since before I was born, } } And the one thing they say about us Gods, } } Is they'll ask you dumb questions as soon as they're formed... } } } } Every question is sacred, } } Every question is great, } } If a question is wasted, } } I get quite irate. } } } } Let the supplicants waste theirs, } } On some silly hogs of ground, } } I shall make them pay for, } } Each brain cell that can't be found. } } } } Every question is wanted, } } Every question is good, } } Every question is needed, } } In your neighbourhood. } } } } Then there are AOL'ers, } } Who try to waste my time, } } But I love those who give their } } Questions in a rhyme. } } } } Every question is useful, } } Every question is fine, } } I need everybody's! } } So please get in the line. } } } } Though the AOLers ask theirs, } } O'er mountain, hill and plain, } } I shall zot them down for } } Each question that's asked in vain. } } } } Yes, every question is sacred. } } Every question is great. } } You asked about the fishy fish? } } Allow me to iterate. } } } } My question queue is filling, } } It's taken all it's got. } } I shall speed up things for all of us, } } And dish out another *ZOT* } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oracle all-knowing, } > } > Have come I abroad from recently, and have studied I vocabulary your } > years many for. Before came I here, was able I get to books any } > language your in not, but memorized dictionary the. } > } > When came I here, did understand still people me not. What am doing } > I wrong? } > } > -- Supplicant your } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Oh, English yours fine is perfectly. Understand you they do, you } } ignoring are they. Use you must curtasy common. Add you thank and } } please, me excuse, success more you have. (You screw and you f*** } } successful more New York in.) } } } } Oracle you owe of count gotten jokes Yoda supplicants other from. } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Dear Sir, } > } > It is a well-researched fact that some people are allergic to } > religious cults. They develop headaches, unsound addictions, } > destructive behaviour patterns and other symptoms. We are a charity } > organization devoted to helping these people find their true selves } > and recover from problems caused by various cults. We act on a } > non-religious humanitarian basis of tolerance towards all systems of } > belief. } > } > It has come to our attention that some people have become severely } > addicted to your personal cult. It is of no concern to us whether } > you are a real omniscient divine being or a psychopath or both; we } > only want the best of all parties concerned. Don't you agree that } > people who have discarded everything else in favour of e-mail } > conversations with you have gone too far? } > } > We are very eager to hear your position and opinions on the matter. } > Ultimately we are willing to cooperate with your organization on } > helping people who cannot keep on with your cult and drop out due to } > social pressures or whatever. And please keep in mind, your } > contribution would be the best PR you could hope for... } > } > Sincerely, } > } > Plato Stoolman } > Chairman of Board } > Victims of Religions } > c/o L.R.Hubbard } > Texas } > YEE-HAA } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Dear Mr. Stoolman, } } We thank you for your concern about Oracletics. Naturally, we } } welcome full and frank discussion of everything we do across the } } Internet in such newsgroups as alt.religion.oracle, and our World } } Wide Web pages provide much information. It's not our fault if any } } intelligent Internet persona, such as yourself, should fall prey to } } the Great Snarfing Beast What Eats Everyone Who Doesn't Give All } } Their Money (pre-taxes) To The Oracle. } } } } I agree completely that people who have discarded everything else } } in favour of e-mail conversations with me do need to vary their } } schedules somewhat. Indeed, allow me to give a sample schedule that } } I have drawn up for our faithful priest, Zadoc: } } } } 02:00 Awaken. } } 02:00 - 05:00 Answer questions for the Oracle, quietly, so as not to } } disturb his sleep. } } 05:00 - 08:00 Cook four-star breakfast for the Oracle. } } 08:00 - 09:00 Grovel before the Oracle. Be sure to lick every toe } } clean. } } 09:00 - 11:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of the } } Temple. } } 11:00 - 13:00 Cook four-star lunch for the Oracle. } } 13:00 - 15:00 Grovel before the Oracle. This time, clean the red } } carpet with your tongue. Leave no spots. } } 15:00 - 17:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of Lisa. } } 17:00 - 19:00 Cook five-star dinner for the Oracle. } } 19:00 - 21:00 Entertain the Oracle with more grovels. This time, use } } some imagination. } } 21:00 - 23:59 Pretend to be a telemarketer seeking donations for the } } Jailer Benevolance Society for the upkeep of the } } Oracle. } } 23:59 - 00:00 Lead successful, interesting life. } } 00:00 Sleep } } } } As you can tell, we leave time for even our most faithful members } } to lead successful, interesting lives. } } } } Please note that, unlike other religions which request that you } } give thanks every time before you eat or drink, Oracletics only } } requires thanks before a much simpler activity: breathing. Although } } we accept cash, checks, travellers' checks, and most major credit } } cards in thanks before every breath, we also accept gold, platinum, } } and diamonds. } } } } I hope you accept this free copy of 'The Oracle: The Modern } } Response to Mental Health', with my compliments. } } } } - Elron Blubber } } } } [Imprinted very lightly on the letter -- as if written on the } } stationery just before it -- are the words: } } } } Lisa -- } } This fellow's definitely 1.1. Use plan .44, or at least run Black } } Method on him. Must be an avatar of Xenu. GET DIRT! } } -- Source } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Is it true that the U.S. is sinking from the weight of all the } > National Geographics being saved in the nation's garages and attics? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } The Oracle peered at the question. "Zadoc!" He turned around } } and called again. "ZADOC!" } } } } Zadoc the priest shuffled in. "Oh, yes, He Who Makes Stephen } } Hawkins Look Like Jim Carrey, how can I help Your Omnivorousness?" } } } } The Oracle peered intently at Zadoc, then handed him the question. } } "What would you do with this?" } } } } He shook in his boots. "Oh, Worshipful Oracle. I'm just a humble } } } } "WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THIS?" } } } } --" His voice quavered. "Well... if it pleases Your } } Oracularity... uhmmm... there's no grovel, so... I'd... I'd... zot } } him?" } } } } The Oracle considered. "Overused. Next suggestion?" } } } } "Uhmm... I'd... I'd... answer him, saying that the weight of the } } magazines are offset by the loss of the weight of the trees where } } they came from?" } } } } "THAT'S NOT FUNNY! This is a humor group, Zadoc, not one about } } real physics!" } } } } The priest imitated the San Andreas Fault. "I... I... don't know, } } your Bovine De-evolence... errr... I mean, Divine Benevolance... } } errr..." } } } } "Find something to make fun of in the question!" He pointed at a } } word in the question. "Try finding double meanings to everything! } } Do you not know popular culture and religion? Begone, oh quavering } } one." } } } } As Zadoc fled the room, the Oracle picked up his fountain pen and } } wrote: } } } } } } Whether or not Fundamentalist Christians believe that everything } } should be going to Heaven, whether one is 'saved' only affects } } spiritual weight, not physical weight. A saved magazine weighs the } } same as a backslidden magazine or one that hasn't received the Lord. } } } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Wittenburg Door. --- 869-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderous Oracle, who knows every possible > thing that could ever be known on the face > of the (un/)known earth, > > Hey... Have you seen my shoes? You know, > the brown ones with the colored laces? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I most certainly HAVE seen your shoes. And I have to tell you, those } laces just do NOT go with the shoes. Not at all...no way, nosiree. } And another thing...DON'T wear them with the blue suit anymore. It's } tres tacky. } } You owe the Oracle the latest issue of GQ --- 869-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>How do you start a cascade? > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Don't do it, you net.renegade! > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Drink plenty of Lime Gatorade (R) > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Get some in a freight elevator > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>To your sick desires must I cater? > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>My fantasies feature Darth Vader > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>d00d! wherez 4ll the $lutty >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Go back to your raunchy sex chat! > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Yo mama's outrageously fat > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Stop boinking your Siamese cat! > >>>>>>>>>>>>>That's awful! I'm simply aghast! > >>>>>>>>>>>>Hey you! Wanna *MAKE$MONEY$FAST*? > >>>>>>>>>>>I hope that my line is the LAST. > >>>>>>>>>>It wasn't. Now aren't you downcast? > >>>>>>>>>Chewbacca is in all my dreams > >>>>>>>>And I HATE THOSE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!! > >>>>>>>The FBIs mind-control beams! > >>>>>>How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > >>>>>>wood? > >>>>>Hey stop that! Just stick to the rhymes! > >>>>Don't download a file called GOOD TIMES. > >>>You speak with a voice like windchimes > >>That's lovely and lucid and lyrical > >This cascade is less than hysterical > Let's hear from The Internet Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } Your cascade is rhyming, if boring. } }} It's as bad as a speech by Al Gore-ing! } }}} Your content I find worth ignoring. } }}}} Which is why you can now hear me snoring. } }}}}} There's nothing in there fit to answer. } }}}}}} I've woodchucks inside of my pants, sir! } } }}}}}}} You owe the Oracle an end to this cascade. } }}}}}}}} And a large pitcher of lemonade. --- 869-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose poetic ability dwarfs even Poe and > Longfellow, please complete the following limerick: > > There once was an Internet Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whose presence was phantasmagorical. } She answered with wit; } Her responses she writ } With references most allegorical. } } (Not very humble, but the Oracle is feeling her oats today.) --- 869-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you have this obsession over people groveling before you? Is > humility not among your attributes? I don't believe grovelling should > be necessary. You can *ZOT* me if you wish, of course. I am unarmed. > I cannot stop you, and I shall make no attempt to do so. But I'm sure > it would prove some sort of point. > > From the spirit world, > > Mohandas K. Ghandi And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, *ZOTs* don't work very well against residents of the } spirit world. Something to do with ectoplasm cancelling out the } charge... but I suspect you knew that all along. Sort of like Brer } Rabbit telling Brer Fox that "You may throw me in the briar patch if } you wish, but it will surely prove some sort of point." Naturally, the } point it'll prove is that Brer Fox is a total doofus for falling for } that old dodge. } } Not me, though. I've got one of them proton packs from } "Ghostbusters" and I know how to use it. *click* Oh, don't worry. } It's not really violent... you'll just be harmlessly contained in a } little box for the next half of eternity, as you consider the } possibility that a little grovel now and then is not such a bad thing. } *HUMMMMM....* } } Besides, grovelling is only the polite thing to do. **ZZZZZ** I } mean, if I'm gonna answer you're questions, I-- Hey, wait! Lisa, } what're you doing here? I've already got this under control! Watch } out!! You'll cross the strea-- ***BLAAAAAMMMM!!!!**** } } The Oracle owes you an apology. Hmmph. --- 869-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O > h > > O > r > a > c > l > e > > m > o > s > t > > w > i > s > e > , > > M > y > > c > o > m > p > u > t > e > r > ' > s > > a > c > t > i > n > g > > u > p > > a > g > a > i > n And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, your printout is down. --- 869-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most complete in all aspects of your selfness -- > > Please tell me: What's the diff between UNIX and eunichs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % ls /dev/gonads } /dev/gonads not found } % ls /dev/testes } /dev/testes not found } % ls /dev/testicles } /dev/testicles not found } % ls /dev/balls } /dev/balls not found } % } } None, apparently. } } You owe the Oracle a roast capon.