From oracle-request Wed Oct 16 12:45:44 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.6/IUCS.1.62) id MAA11956; Wed, 16 Oct 1996 12:45:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 12:45:44 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199610161745.MAA11956@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #865 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 865 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #865 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 12:45:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 865 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 860 103 votes 4eCuh kDsd3 8gmox 8qzr7 ppwe7 4epoA lrug9 9nlms 6sAq7 macmB 860 3.1 mean 3.4 2.4 3.6 3.0 2.5 3.7 2.7 3.4 3.0 3.4 --- 865-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, honourable oracle, thy wisdom about the horrible future of MS > mail and all its unlucky users. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Horrible future? No, you have it=20 } all wrong. MS Mail will lead all=20 } of us into a bright, new future,=20 } in which we will no longer worry=20 } about incompatibilities with the=20 } outdated Internet e-mail system.=20 } Every application program we use=20 } will work with MS Word, MS Chart=20 } MS Office, and especially the MS=20 } Flight Simulator. Yes! No longer=20 } will you have those incompatible=20 } programs. We will replace all of=20 } them with the one true system of=20 } Microsoft. Where will we let you=20 } go today? } } You owe the Oracle two hours and=20 } thirty-eight minutes on hold for=20 } technical support. --- 865-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, my thoughts are scattered and without order, and only > your great mind can put my pitiful one at rest. > > Why is it that a nude woman carved from stone is considered art, but a > nude woman molded from Spam or Jell-O is considered tacky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Edible art itself is not usually considered tacky, but the art shows } at which such works are typically viewed are. These events often end } up in a feeding frenzy, especially shows highlighting Spam sculpture } in England. However, some of the world's greatest sculptures were } originally produced in edible form. } } For example, the famous Venus de Milo statue, contrary to popular } belief, has always been missing its arms. It was made to resemble } a poi statue sent to Italy by the ruling sovereign of Hawaii, } King Kamanawannalaya. During the first showing of the sculpture, } servants cut off both arms to serve to the guests. Fortunately, poi } was not really the hit of the party King Kamanawannalaya had thought } it would be (it was, after all, dried to a pretty hard consistency), } and Michaelangelo was able to model his famous Venus after it. } Not being able to remember how the Goddess' arms were situated, } the master simply omitted them. } } On a more personal level, I find Jell-O sculpture to be the most } enjoyable, although the artist is restricted insofar as the actual } height of the work cannot be too great, or the whole thing will simply } collapse upon itself; this medium is best suited to shapes of slugs, } armadillos, and the supine feminine form. Peanut butter is similarly } limited unless it is sufficiently crunchy. Spam is very versatile } as far as the actual scope of the work is concerned: it is easily } shaped, holds its form well, and can easily be made into statues as } high as two meters. Its only drawback is that it tends to fill the } gallery with the stench of rotting meat, but for the truly dedicated } art consumer, this is not a great impediment. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Rodin's Caryatid, made from semisweet } chocolate. --- 865-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Omnipotent Oracle, please help me with this profetic Poser. > > I wish Bill Gates had kept his Micro soft. Is there anything I > can do about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. You can send him an e-mail and tell him to put a warm sponge on } it. } } You owe the Oracle a soft ware. --- 865-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Compared to your vast intellect, I am but a flatworm struggling with > the hassle of cell mitosis. > > I humbly request an answer to this question: > > How can there be self-help "groups"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Self-help groups are set up by therapists, who get a bunch of people } together. These people then do whatever the therapist asks them to do, } then they all go home. } } For this, the therapist charges them money. This is call "helping } yourself", or more specifically, "helping yourself to other peoples } money". That is where the term "self-help" comes from. } } Some self-help groups are formed without a therapist, they are just a } bunch of people who get together. As you can see from the above, these } groups are no help to anyone. } } You owe the Oracle a group-hug. By yourself. --- 865-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, whose toejam I am unworthy of naming a Seattle band > after, please spare one lick of knowledge from your Tootsie Roll Pop > of sagacity: > > Why does... um... well, actually, I just wanted to grovel. I really > don't have a question. Sorry. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No problem. Actually, it's refreshing to see supplicants try to } make up for the AOHell twinks who don't know a grovel from a hole in } the ground. } } You owe the Oracle.... aw, hell, you don't know me anything. The grovel } was refreshing enough. --- 865-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Abarimakoo Oracle, Your Wisdom is great and Your Power is infinite. > What effect will the eclipse have on our psychology? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The eclipse will cause people to blame all manner of strange } goings on on the moon, something they would not normally do. } Other people will think that "the time has come." Millions will } run out into their yards and look up at the sky. Many of them } will feel a vague discomfort. Most will say, "Neat," and go back } to watching TV. --- 865-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most all-knowing Oracle, > > Please help me with my poser... > > Why is it that that whenever I get a chance to go up and meet (other > than just talking on the phone) the Woman of my dreams, someone always > pisses on my chance. > > Or, someone has to go to the hospital. > > I just can't figure this one out... > > Please help... > > Your humble, groveling supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear me oh my, it seems the Fates have been rather mischievous } lately. They get that way sometimes, you know... we immortals get } bored quite easily. I'll have a talk with them tomorrow morning. } } But anyhow, omnipotent as I am, I know what fate really has in store } for you. So next time you see her, go ahead and ask her out. If the } Fates try to interfere again, just scream at the top of your lungs, } AWAY FOUL DEMONS! TORTURE ME NO MORE! Then everything will work } out just fine... trust me! } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of the big moment when you finally } ask her out.. } } I could win lots of money on America's Funniest... oh! Is this thing } still on? --- 865-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > the nitrogen cycle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Justifiably obscure, "The Nitrogen Cycle" is one of Richard Strauss' } early works, thought by some critics to be a drug-induced precursor to } "The Ring Cycle". } } In three operas lasting a total of 63 hours, "The Nitrogen Cycle" } traces the adventures of a hardy band of soil bacteria in their epic } struggle to increase crop yields. The saga culminates in the } Gotterdamisbust, when spring floods cover the once-fertile fields and } wipe out the entire cast. } } You owe the Oracle an armored woman named Frideswintha. --- 865-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle so wise, who has less zits than Jared: > > Why is the sky green and the grass blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because your TV set is upside-down. --- 865-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I simply don't understand how the stock market > works. Can you give me a really basic explanation, please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The stock market is where people who identified with Scrooge McDuck } go every day to try and make enough money so that they, too, can dive } into a pile of gold coins. } } Here's how it works: } } Somebody starts a company. They make something. They get sued } because somebody tried to fit their something into their ear canal } and lost all hearing in that ear. The lose the suit, go bankrupt, and } some big company buys the plant and continues making the something, } this time with union labor. The union goes on strike, shuts down the } company, and the management agrees to give the workers a ridiculous } amount of money and Arbor Day as a paid holiday if they'll start } making the something again. The something is then really expensive, } so it starts being made better in China by people who failed to } report their thoughts on a regular basis and are in prison camp. } The something beomes the subject of trade negotiations, but no tariff } is imposed because we wouldn't want to get in a trade war with China } and lose our main source of shoddy goods made by prisoners. The big, } unionized company then puts the words "Internet-ready" and "Windows } 95 Compatible" on the something, sells a bunch, and "goes public," } which is Wall Street-ese for "makes pension funds buy the company so } they can be cutting-edge and technology-centered." } } That is, if Bill Gates doesn't buy it first. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Barbarians at the Gate."