From oracle-request Thu Jun 20 15:35:20 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.51) id PAA13826; Thu, 20 Jun 1996 15:35:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 15:35:20 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199606202035.PAA13826@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #839 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 839 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #839 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 15:35:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 839 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 834 148 votes FyIja nPSh3 gmLCp 6gRUh brIJl gzBvt nLEu8 cCSue wDIp8 67hy* 834 3.1 mean 2.5 2.5 3.2 3.4 3.3 3.1 2.7 3.0 2.6 4.2 --- 839-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come its so quiet in here these days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Lemmy, your eardrums have blown again. } } I SAID, YOUR EARDRUMS HAVE - Aaah, what's the use. } } You owe the Oracle an amp that goes up to 11. I SAID - oh, forget it. --- 839-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that I don't notice the the errors in my mail mesagges until > AFTER I've clicked on the "SEND" icon? THere seems to be a direct > relationship betwween the number of errors I make and the importantness > of the person I am snending the message to. And with someone as > impotant as youself, I wouldn't be surprised if this message ends up > looking like comnplete gibbberrish. Even when I prrof-read my > carefully crafted literary masterpeices, errors still appear AFTER I've > cliscked on "SEND". It's as though the icon also initiates a sort of > reverse-spell-cheker on my messagees. Thnaks in advace for answering > my question my question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fault that you even *shave* a send iron leaks volumes abort your } oiling service. As an AO Luser, you shore the servile with a huge } dumber of cretins that makes for a bald recitation in the Infernal } community. Therefore, AWOL has mortified the software to mate every } massage come out with an equal numbing of air wars. As you kin see, the } latex 3.0 venision does a better jaw of connecting spewing eros, but } it's newt perfect yet. } } You woe the Horrible a beater whey to spend e-maul. --- 839-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Indecently Wise Oracle, the Communications Decency Act just ate flaming > death! Shall I celebrate it by committing several indecent acts of > communications? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, from what I've seen, what the world needs from you is several } decent acts of incommunication. --- 839-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Imagine no posessions; > I wonder if Yoko Ono could?... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Imagine there's no supplicants. } It's easy if you try. } Imagine no more stupid questions. } Like Who, what, when, how and why. } } Imagine no more grovels, } Written in C++, } With #inclu-huuuuuuu-uuuude. } } You may say that I'm omnipotent. } And I am the only one. } So I can zot your butts all day long. } 'Til I get tired, and I feel I'm done. } } Imagine no more woodchucks. } And no more chucking wood. } Imagine perfect grammar. } And good spelling if you could. } } Imagine no AOLers, } Wasting lots of space. } D000000000D! } } You may say that I'm omnipotent. } And I am the only one. } So I can zot your butts all day long. } 'Til I get tired, and I feel I'm done. --- 839-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, you are so BIG, so absolutely huge, gosh, we're all > really impressed down here I can tell you. > > Forgive me, O Oracle, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced > flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super. > > Oh Orrie, please don't zot us, > Don't grill or toast your flock. > Don't put me on the barbecue, > Or summer me in stock, > Don't braise or bake or boil me, > Or stir-fry me in a wok... > > Oh, please don't lightly poach me, > Or baste me with hot fat, > Don't fricassee or roast me, > Or boil me in a vat, > And please don't stick thy supplicant > In a Rotissomat... > > ... well, now for something completely different, where WAS the > fish in the middle of the film? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm an omnipotent being, } And have been since before I was born, } And the one thing they say about us Gods, } Is they'll ask you dumb questions as soon as they're formed... } } Every question is sacred, } Every question is great, } If a question is wasted, } I get quite irate. } } Let the supplicants waste theirs, } On some silly hogs of ground, } I shall make them pay for, } Each brain cell that can't be found. } } Every question is wanted, } Every question is good, } Every question is needed, } In your neighbourhood. } } Then there are AOL'ers, } Who try to waste my time, } But I love those who give their } Questions in a rhyme. } } Every question is useful, } Every question is fine, } I need everybody's! } So please get in the line. } } Though the AOLers ask theirs, } O'er mountain, hill and plain, } I shall zot them down for } Each question that's asked in vain. } } Yes, every question is sacred. } Every question is great. } You asked about the fishy fish? } Allow me to iterate. } } My question queue is filling, } It's taken all it's got. } I shall speed up things for all of us, } And dish out another *ZOT* --- 839-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o almighty oracle, please help me with what is becoming a problem more > severe every day! you are my only hope! > > i seem to have encountered a horrible rash of bad luck that started > about 3 weeks ago and is still going: first, my pet lizard ran away. > then, something very bad (it's very personal and i'd rather not reveal > it, but trust me, it's bad!) happened, and then somebody snatched my > crops, and then my boyfriend got mono (i don't have it yet but i'll > probably get it), and today my backpack's zipper broke and my brand new > 32 oz thermos of coffee fell to the ground and shattered! > > i just dont' know what to do. my luck seems to be getting worse. i'm at > my wit's end. do i have bad karma? how can i purge myself of the evil > that has taken over my being? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Write a Country Music song about it. } } You owe the Oracle a few ounces from your next crop. --- 839-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle so mighty whose reach is infinate and whose rubber ducky > is yellow, answer me your humble supplicate this question: > > What should one do when confronted by an irate postal worker? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shoot back. } } You owe the Oracle a Kevlar vest. --- 839-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, in whose infinate wisdom knew that Peter was lying the > *first* time when he cried wolf, please help me!! > A small fly has just flown into my ear and I can feel it tickling > inside my head. I tried poking my finger into my ear, but it won't go > in far enough to reach the itch. I swallowed a spider to catch the fly > but it just wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside me. I could spray > some bug killer into my ear, but with the danger of CFC's and global > warming I would like to pursue all other avenues before resorting to > this dangerous option. And besides, what if the fly is really Jeff > Goldblum rehearsing for another "Fly" film? What can I do? > > P.S. It was my left ear. > > P.P.S. I've already tried the "sink plunger on each ear" trick, and > that didn't work either; but it did remove a small grey lump from my > head with a sort of wavy pattern all over it. > > P.P.P.S. It was the lump that had a wavy pattern all over it, not my > head. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Typically, flies are attracted to light. The solution to your problem, } then, is to shine a flashlight into the other ear resulting in the fly } proceeding to the source of the glow and then it will fly away. --- 839-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and magnificent one, I am so bored, is this all there is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, there is much, much more. However, it's Windows 95 or NT, Pentium } reccomended. --- 839-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Fluffy Oracle who knows much more than there actually is, > please answer my question: > > I keep hearing claims that there are many international conspiracies > around us. Are there actually any? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, supplicant, who wishes to pierce the veil of mystery surrounding } the subject of international conspiracy, } } I sent my simulacrum of a secret agent, Htron Revilo, into the dark } alleyways of the secret world, from the Casbah of Algiers and the back } streets of Gaza to the luxurious cafes adjacent to the Quai d'Orsay. } At considerable risk to life and limb, as well as his Newt Gingrich } hairdo, Htron met with "usually reliable informants," some of who had } "provided accurate information in the past," and many of whom were "in } a position to know." } } Htron drank stout in Dublin and Belfast, vodka in Moscow, aguardiente } in various parts of South America, arrak in Beirut, and tea among the } teetotalers of the desert. } } He investigated stories of Red Brigades, Red Army faction, mujahideen, } separatists, revanchists, unionists, anarchists, communists and } fascists, black helicopters, Black Power, the Black Hand, the Black } Watch, Black Beauty, Black Shirts, Silver Shirts, Brown Shirts, Green } Shirts, no shirts (decamisados), and no pants (sans-culottes). } } Once he recovered from a serious overdose of cheap booze and bad tea, } Htron Revilo reported as follows: } } There once was a man from Nantucket, } Brought a conspiracy home in a bucket, } The claims and the lies, } Brought tears to his eyes, } I can't find the truth, so just [remainder destroyed in the process of } transcription]. } } You owe the Oracle a book report on Conrad's "The Secret Agent."