From oracle-request Wed May 1 14:38:38 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.50) id OAA29591; Wed, 1 May 1996 14:38:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 1 May 1996 14:38:38 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199605011938.OAA29591@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #831 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 831 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #831 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 1 May 1996 14:38:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 831 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 826 121 votes 8hIBf diwzn eHxr4 evLn6 9eGFf 5grOn huAoe mtEl9 cHJg5 5axNo 826 3.1 mean 3.3 3.3 2.7 2.8 3.3 3.6 2.9 2.7 2.7 3.6 --- 831-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise Oracle,please tell me: which is university BEST in the world And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } The best university in the world is the University of Haight-Ashbury } which offers such courses as: } } -Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis of Belly Button Lint } -Autoerotic Technique } -Sublingual Concealment of Contraband } -Appreciation of Leather Clothing Systems } -Tatoos in Historical Context } -Maintenence of Internally Concealed Rodents } -Cloud Appreciation } -Methods of Unassisted Flight } -Public Relations in Obtaining Alternative Sources of Income } (Panhandling) } } You owe the Oracle a date to speak at your graduation. --- 831-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose brain we love to pick, much like the little bird > picks at the mites running across the back of the hippopotamus, > Please answer your humble servant this question: > > Why is it that after brushing your teeth, certain foods like > orange juice taste so bad? Is this perhaps an early warning > system for your body, letting you know that these items should > never be mixed outside of a controlled environment? Are there > any foods that should not be mixed for fear of internal damage? > > (My lunchtime is fast approaching, and I want to be sure I have nothing > potentially dangerous waiting for me, so please answer soon) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The FBI would never admit it, but mixing orange juice and toothpaste } can make a powerful explosive, especially if a good quantity of baked } beans are added. You should be careful of other dangerous } combinations: } } - Greek salad with Turkish Taffee } } - Russian caviar with sashimi } } - Corned beef with cabbage } } You owe the Oracle an Hungarian Goulash. --- 831-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will my code pass the code review? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > #include } > } > class Sauce { } > public: } > veg Tomato; } > veg Garlic; } > herb Basil; } > oil OliveOil; } } With spaghetti code like that, they're not even going to bother with a } walk-through. } } You owe the Oracle the latest update to Victual C++. --- 831-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wise and all-powerful giver of truth, fact, and information; > bountiful source of knowledge of all things real and imagined; terrific > of personality and a really sharp dresser, please excuse this truly > insufficient grovel from your most devout worshipper and > humble-beyond-all-humility servant, and deign to answer this, my most > sincerely asked question yet: > > What toy was the song "The Marvelous Toy" about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Definitely the Fisher-Price Castle, with the trapdoor on top that leads } into a little dungeon where you can lock up the little wooden people. } Or better yet, you tie a piece of yarn real tight around one of their } little necks, then wind it all in and out the windows and doors, and } finally down the trapdoor and into the dungeon. Then you make like } he's walking around on top of the castle, just strolling along, not a } care in the world, then - Oh, no - you start yanking really hard on the } yarn, and he gets pulled into the castle through a window and he gets } bounced around and comes flying back in the door and rattles some more, } and then he launches out the other side (he's in little Fisher-price } wooden guy hell right about now) swings up, over the castle and gets } sucked right down the trap door into the dungeon. } Whew! Let's do that again! If that's not marvelous, I don't know } what is. } } You owe the Oracle the Fisher-Price Garage, with the little cars and } the little ramp that leads up to the top. And some golf balls. --- 831-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would be a good name for my new band? > If I dont find one by monday I'll just call myself "Orbit" to confuse > matters further. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know why you're asking for MY help... you seem to have a few } good ideas there. My favorite four from your list would be: } } "A Good Name" } "Find One by Monday" } "Confusing Matters" } "Call Myself Orbit" } } Any of those ought to work. } } You owe the Oracle an album from "Toad the Wet Sprocket." --- 831-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose skills in any strategy game, even those you've > never played far outclass anyone who has ever played any games > anywhere, please tell me this: > > Will computers ever be better than humans at chess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heck, already most computers are better than most humans at chess. It } won't be long until even grandmasters are unable to beat the best } chess-playing computers. Let me just consult the schedule of future } events... } } (sound of pages flipping) } } 1997 In a historic re-match, "Deeper Blue", the updated version of } Deep Blue, wins five straight games against Garry Kasparov. During } post-game analysis, a flustered Kasparov is quoted as saying, } "Basically, it plain whupped my ass." } } 1998 Expert systems are now in common use, performing highly } complicated tasks such as stock market analysis, medical research, } real-time weather modeling, and installing Microsoft Windows. } } 2000 "High RISC" is the first computer to join a high school chess } club. Is given frequent wedgies by the cooler computers on the football } team. } } 2002 Nearly all chess games are now played by computers. Humans still } compete to see who can program the best chess-playing algorithm. } } 2003 All chess-playing algorithms are now developed by computers } themselves. } } 2008 America elects a computer for President, a massively parallel } workstation called "Fred". Although pundits originally claimed that } voters weren't ready for a robot in public office, Fred countered, } "Well, they didn't have a problem with Al Gore." } } 2017 With computers to do the thinking, most of the human population } has by now completely given up on forming complex thoughts. Across the } globe, average I.Q.s plummet. } } 2019 "Baywatch" remains the most popular television show in the world. } } You owe the Oracle Bobby Fischer's home phone number. --- 831-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Venerated Oracle, who always knows what time it is, even when he's > wearing two watches: > > For a perfect cup of tea, what is the proper amount of time to allow > the teabag to steep in the hot water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, young seeker of Enlightenment. Is it not written that the } first step upon the journey to true Wisdom is to ask the correct } question? It is written, isn't it? Because I could have sworn I read } that somewhere. } Young eyes look, but they do not see. Young ears hear, but they } do not listen. Young kids ask for all kinds of toys for Christmas, but } when they get them, they never play with them. } For it is not the tea bag which is allowed to steep in the } water. It is the water which is allowed to surround the tea bag, } partaking of its glorious essence. Much as the young novitiate may } absorb the wisdom of the Masters by sitting at their feet, so also the } plain and ordinary water is transformed by its proximity to the tea } bag. Notice that the young novitiate is sitting *at* the Master's feet, } not *on* the Master's feet. It's a subtle point, but you'd be } surprised how many novitiates I get who try to sit on my feet. } Not only is it painful for the Master, but there are some risks } for the novitiate as well. Particularly those assigned to Master Kim. } You didn't hear this from me, but he has the most disgusting toe nail } fungus I have ever seen. Anyway, back to the question. } Consider the lotus blossom. O.K. That's enough. We don't have } time to sit around considering lotus blossoms all day. There's work to } be done. Can the essence of the spiritual communion between water and } tea bag be truly quantified in limited Western units such as minutes or } seconds? I don't know. My assistant handles that kind of thing. His } e-mail address is worthless.groveling.servant@dungeon.darkest.com. --- 831-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If electronic mail is e-mail, and postal mail is snail mail, what is > fax mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Waste of paper-mail. } } You owe the Oracle two dead trees and a voice mail } greeting in the style of Mae West. --- 831-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh well dressed, good-looking, > oracle-to-put-all-other-oracles-to-shame oracle, how did you become > the oracle? Were you born with these special powers, or did even a > higher being incarnate you into this exalted position? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Higher power? HIGHER POWER???? There IS no higher power!!! I } am the highest power in the universe! I control all I survey!! There } is nothing that can stand before me without cowering in utter despair! } I am the best, most omnipotent, most } ****ZOT!!**** } .. What the hell was that?? } } .. What? } } .. Oh come on, not now. } } .. But -- } } .. But -- } } .. But, PLEASE? } } .. I don't wanna come in. I don't, I don't I don't. I'm not hungry } right now, and I'm not done playing with my supplicants. } } .. Aw, come on. } } .. Aw, MOM!!... } } Sorry, supplicant, but Mom says I gotta come in now. Ask me again } tomorrow. } } You owe the Oracle a tree house. With a night light. --- 831-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, wiser and more mighty than the Holy Mackerel, to whom all > mackerel must bow down; faster and more powerful than the Koala of > Doom, before whom all marsupials tremble; nobler and prouder than the > Great Pelican, besides whom albatrosses are as gnats, hear my plea... > > Why does my cat occasionally climb up the corner of the room and cling > just below the ceiling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid your cat is a little unbalanced. That's unbalanced as in } mentally ill. He's suffering from a rare form of feline schizophrenia, } and he has delusions that he's a spider. You may also have noticed } him catching moths and eating them - it's all tied together. } } You should take your cat to the vet. There are a variety of } antipsychotic medications which can be prescribed for this condition. } Catching the cat may be a little tricky, but you can make the job } easier by turning on the air conditioning. As the room cools down, } the cat (thinking that he's a spider and therefore cold-blooded) } will become torpid. On no account should you swat him with a } rolled-up newspaper. This would be terribly traumatic, and he might } never recover. } } You owe the Oracle some No-Pet Strips.