From oracle-request Thu Feb 15 00:10:37 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.48) id AAA08009; Thu, 15 Feb 1996 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199602150510.AAA08009@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #817 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 817 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #817 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 00:10:37 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 817 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 812 106 votes 2vtA8 9gusn gyCe4 9Awn6 fmkvi aizxa 6eHvc 8fltx 8enBo 8ptqi 812 3.2 mean 3.2 3.4 2.6 2.8 3.1 3.1 3.3 3.6 3.5 3.2 --- 817-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My flatmate has just got Chicken Pox. The last time I was > spotty my voice went all funny and girls didn't like me. > > What should I do to avoid catching it!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need not fear catching chicken pox again. Given the symptoms you've } described, you're still suffering from the last time you caught it. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen leeches. --- 817-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise Usenet Oracle...Who knows what Senator Exon REALLY > does with his free time on the Internet... > Please tell me, how will the new Telecommunications law effect me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I love you, you love me, } We're a happy family! } } I'm so glad you asked me your wonderful question! I always } love it when people ask me questions! There are many happy } children on the Internet and I am so happy to answer } their wonderful questions! } } You will find that the Computer Decency Act has not } changed anything on the Internet! } } You owe the Oracle a big warm hug and a subscription } to "Reader's Digest". --- 817-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Say, buddy... Yeah, you, the all-powerful, all-knowing, so-full-of- > knowledge-one-would-think-you-were-obese... I have a question. It's > simple, really, so you should have no trouble just tossing an answer my > way. > > Why's my CD player wigging out this morning? It keeps stopping at > random intervals. I hate when that happens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The FDA (Federal Department of Acoustics) has designed a "music } pyramid" to help ensure that your CD player is getting a well-balanced } diet. The diagram looks like this: } /\ } / \ } /pop \ } / rap \ } /hip-hop \ } /folk,metal\ } /____________\ } / Reggae, ska \ } / classic rock \ } /__________________\ } / oldies | Jazz \ } / classical | blues \ } /____________|___________\ } } Your CD player's diet should consist primarily of music from the lower } two areas. Music from the middle area should be played less frequently, } and music from the top area should be played rarely. } } To restore your CD player's health, cut down on music from the top } area. Remember: an ounce of the Mothers of Invention is worth a pound } of the Cure. --- 817-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will the Bulls win seventy games? Does Dennis Rodman > have a penis ring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ** INTERCEPTED BY SEN. EXON ** } Sen. Exon: } I'm sorry, I can't allow this kind of languge to be used on the net. } I'm afraid you'll have to come with me. } } Suplicant: } But! But! It was a private email! You can't do this! } } Sen. Exon: } I just did. This is an anonymous email, the worst kind. } } (Oracle hears comotion and checks on it) } Oracle: } Whats's going on out here? Keep it down! } (Oracle sees Sen. Exon and mumbles) } *mumbles something about god not creating politicians* } What brainless senators. *ZOT* } } Ah, a question! *reads question* } What brainless suplicants. *ZOT* } } You owe the oracle a copy of Doom with one of the monsters replaced } with Sen. Exon. --- 817-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, when were you last updated? > I'm beginning to see a few bugs and design flaws that seriously need > fixing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those aren't bugs - they're features! } You owe the Oracle --ERROR! EROOR CODE 1DC8 DADA 55BG 32DE PLEASE } REPORT THIS FATAL ERROR TO THE ORACLE DEVELOPMENT TEAM AT } ORACLE@CS.INDIANA.EDU REPEAT A FATAL SYSTEM ERROR HAS OCCURED YOU MUST } NOW REBOOT AND LOSE ALL THE HOT LOVE NOTES YOU WERE WRITING TO YOUR } SECRET LUST. IT'S HORRIBLE, WE KNOW. -- --- 817-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > D00D! WH3RZ TH3 N00D G1F5!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!111!!! > > PL33Z HURRY! I 0NLY HAV3 T3N FR33 H0URZ 0NL1N3!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *The Oracle mutters something under his breath about damn newbies* } } Listen, kid. I don't have the time to help you get nude GIF files to } drool over, ok? } } Geez. Not even a grovel or anything. } } *He glances over his shoulder, sighs, and leans forward, whispering } conspiratorially* } } But listen. I'm feeling nice today. All you have to do is grab a web } browser and point it at http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~vaps4dk -- the } secret word i... } } *BOOM* } *The door gets knocked in* } } FBI AGENT> Away from the computer. AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! NOW! } } Wha... Who...? } } FBI AGENT> Hands against wall! NOW! } } Don't you know who I am? I'm the USENET Oracle! I'll ZOT you all to } he -- } } FBI AGENT> I don't CARE who you are. It's Communications Decency } pal... there's a law against pages like that! } } But... it's a fake page... there's nothing sexu... } } FBI AGENT> Tell it to the JUDGE! Get out of my sight. Alright, come } on, turn all these things off. NOW! } } *The agent reaches for the plug at the wall* } } Wait! No! Don't! It's just a big misunderstan@HE)@*@9u3(@#(!*! } (*&WE(@ } } Connection closed by foreign host. } } You owe the oracle a first amendment. --- 817-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy Hi! > > Can you tell me the way to the bathroom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Down the hall and to your right; it's the door that says, "Bathroom". } (The Truth in Advertising Act at work.) } } I'll overlook your unseemly haste -- and the omission of a grovel -- } in view of the way you're pressing your legs together. } } You owe the Oracle... Nah. Forget it. Just put the seat down. --- 817-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, what's a <<<>>>? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A <<<>>> is a kind of <<<>>> which a lot of } animals/mammals etcetera have. They are not gender specific, so men and } women both have a <<<>>>. <<<>>> also happens to be } one of the "Seven dirty words" which are banned in most transmissions } (except autos and fluids). The other six are <<<>>>, } <<<>>>, <<<>>>, <<<>>>, <<<>>>, } and finally <<<>>> which isn't really all that bad, but is } impolite to use at parties. } } You owe the Oracle one <<<>>> of your <<<>>>. --- 817-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whose is the most delicious sh*t to be eaten instead of the X-mas > turkey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That of any Republican Presidential candidate. They are aware of this } fact, and that's why they dish up heaping portions to the American } people, via their TV sets, every hour on the hour or even more often in } you live in New Hampshire. Each candidate wants the people to pick his } sh*t over that of any other candidate, and that's why they all run } negative ads expounding on the sh*ttiness of the other candidates' sh*t } and glorifying their own. In reality, they are really all the same. Any } way you slice it, it's still sh*t. } } You owe the Oracle an exemption from the Communications Decency Act. --- 817-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a new user - test run - how do I get to the web browser? I click > "web" and it takes me to a statement about the protest and then some > suggestions but i do not see how to actually initiate a search. Thanks > Also - can I use netscape along with pipeline? I tried and got a > "check winsock" and "connect first" message. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think I know from where your problems stem. } Would you, could you, RTFM? } } I would not, could not, RTFM } I want *YOU* to solve my problem. } } Could you read the docs online? } Would you read them any time? } } I would not read the docs online, } Without them I can do just fine. } } Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? } Is this something you could do? } } I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. } Even the thought makes me spew. } } What could I suggest next? } Would you read it in HyperText? } } I would not read help in hypertext, } For the problem with which I am vexed. } } How about if you could read it through } A conveniently placed system menu? } } I will not access help from a menu. } That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo! } } How much simpler could this be? } Did you try the help hotkey? } } I'll try not a help hotkey, } To that I will never agree! } } I would not, could not RTFM. } I want *you* to solve my problem! } } Since you will not RTFM, } You I must now condemn } } To a life without working software, } And a constant feeling of despair. } } You owe the Oracle a book by Dr. Suess, } Or maybe something by Mother Goose.