From oracle-request Tue Feb 13 11:55:37 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.48) id LAA26216; Tue, 13 Feb 1996 11:55:37 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 11:55:37 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199602131655.LAA26216@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #816 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 816 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #816 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 11:55:37 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 816 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 811 106 votes 8zDl3 6jzvf gszn4 mrokd aqKm2 bhxpk 4stve fzrib 0aCAm 5qvvd 811 3.0 mean 2.8 3.3 2.7 2.8 2.8 3.2 3.2 2.8 3.7 3.2 --- 816-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do people stare at me strange when I carry a moose in my > pocket? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They try to stare at you normally, but it's kind of tough to pull off. } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss pocket woodchuck. --- 816-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Chemically Adept Oracle, > > I have Pseudophedrine Hydrochloride (60mg,) Doxylamine Succinate > (12.5mg*,) Dextromethorpan Hydrobromide (30mg,) Acetaminophen (1000mg,) > and FD&C Yellow No. 6, but it's green, not yellow. What do I do with > it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Market it as 'Apple Fresh' rather than 'Lemon Fresh', and sue } FD&C for breach of contract. } } You owe the Oracle some FD&C chartreuse. It's probably yellow. --- 816-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how can i find a stock quote And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually, I just remember them, but if it's early morning and I haven't } yet had My second cup of coffee, a good source is Bartlett's Familiar } Quotations. } } You owe The Oracle a quote of "Requiem" by Robert Louis Stevenson. } Heh, heh. Just TRY to find that one. --- 816-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...all right, now all opposed: } } N N A Y Y ! } NN N A A Y Y ! } N N N AAAAA YYY ! } N NN A A Y } N N A A Y ! } } The motion is rejected. Thank you for participating in the } Oracular Referendum on Content Censorship on the Internet. } } All I ask in payment is that you find out how your congressman } voted on this and then remember that next November. --- 816-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > please tell me why America can't appologise from Japan for the atomic > strike which resulted the death of 300,000 civilans when it can compell > Japanese to applogise from Koreans for the barbrism they did in korean > war. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, supplicant, I agree with you completely. A sincere "I'm sorry } and it'll never happen again, honest" is entirely in order on both } parts. But allow me to point out that there are many other cases in } the annals of history even more deserving of such expressions of } remorse. } } * The U.S. owes the Indian nations several large floral arrangements } (I'm talking the $250 jobs here). } } * I'd like to see the Angles, the Saxons, and the Jutes all pitch in } for a nice set of towels to make up for invading the land of the } Britons. } } * Still outstanding on the books is the first instance of man's } inhumanity to man (Ogg vs. Throg; 453,282 BC) and I am sure everyone } would like to see an equitable cash settlement in this case. } } * Need I mention the matter of Prometheus' theft of fire from the } Olympic gods? Yes, I know that he did personally serve time for his } crime (chained to cliff, liver ripped out by vultures, etc.), but I } know that Zeus would still appreciate an official statement of regret } from a representative of all mortals. Plus, of course, a return of the } "gift" of fire forthwith. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Whitman's chocolates, by Wednesday at the } latest. And could you include a card reading "To Lisa, from } snugglebunnies"? --- 816-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > please tell me if the communist party will win the next political > elections in Italy > > M. D'Alema And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, no one wins in an election in Italy. Like the } French, they simply wait to surrender to the next invader. } } You owe the Oracle a Lambourgini. --- 816-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and scrumptious, please explain > a minor mystery to this humble supplicant who kneels > before you. > > When people are speaking of some task which is > incredibly easy, they call it a "piece of cake". > Why, then, is it so difficult to bake a cake and > get it to come out right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The mistake you are making is a simple one; the correct usage is not } "piece of cake" at all, but "picocake", wherein the "cake" is the SI } unit of "ease of pilfering". Naturally, the "pico-" prefix refers to a } larceny one-trillionth the size of this--thus, a very _easy_ job } indeed. } } Here is a list of Standard Reference Rip-Offs which have been } established by the American Burglarilogical Society: } } PICOCAKE Taking candy from a baby (sleeping). } NANOCAKE Slipping a half-dozen sugar packets from a restaurant into } your pocket. } MICROCAKE Switching price tags to buy two tubes of toothpaste for the } price of one. } MILLICAKE Nabbing a neighbor's Playboy out of his mailbox before he } knows it's been delivered. } CAKE Filching a cake which has been left on an open windowsill } to cool. } KILOCAKE Shoplifting a pound of Limburger cheese, getting away on the } subway, undetected. } MEGACAKE Using stolen credit card information to purchase a } sportscar which you take on a week-long Florida vacation } spree. } GIGACAKE Ransacking a nuclear weapons arsenal for a warhead _and_ } smuggling it to Cuba by disguising it as a large bologna. } TERACAKE Taking candy from a baby (awake). } } You owe the Oracle a cake with a hacksaw baked inside. --- 816-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. or Mrs. T.U.Oracle > > I would like to submit a complaint to your advise service. I asked you > about an important interview which could change my entire life, and I > got a reply with a recipe for your special bean soup. Thanks to your > lack of organization, I lost the opportunity of a life time. > > I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter. > > P.S. Try adding a little ground beef to your bean soup, it makes a most > delicous new soup. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a very interesting question supplicant, and it's funny that you } should ask it at this time because as of 10 PM, last Thursday, the } universe that you live in suddenly stopped expanding and started } contracting. The upshot of this is that time (and the natural order of } things) has reversed. So, from now on I give answers and *then* you ask } questions. Take for example a short series of questions and answers } between this Oracle and a supplicant (this has been shortened for the } sake of simplicity) } } Supplicant Question: >What's the highest peak in Africa? } T | Oracle Answer: >No chance } I | Supplicant Question: >Can I score a date with Lisa? } M | Oracle Answer: >Argh!! Another woodchuck question!! *ZOT* } E | Supplicant Question: >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck...? } v Oracle Answer: >Please reword that as a question. } Supplicant Question: > } } ... and so on. } } You'll find now that my responses will seem even more erratic and in } most cases not the slightest bit related to your questions. Don't be } alarmed by this. All effects of reversed time wear off after the brain } becomes used to experiencing things backwards. } } You owe the Oracle an email addressed to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the } subject line of "tellme" and in the body write "Oh wonderous Oracle! Do } you know any good soup recipes?" --- 816-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Convoluted Oracle, all too often I seem to be asking you questions > about the process of asking questions of The Usenet Oracle, that is, > you. This tends to leave me in a rather untenable situation. It's > almost as if I had my proverbial but tiny cranial dome up my > euphemistic but huge nether cavity. > > How can I hope to avoid disappearing into a fat and sloppy singularity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple! Just join the crew of the Enterprize! } ... } } Data: Captain, the scanners are picking up what appears to be a } singularity. There is no record of a singularity in this section } of space. } } Riker: We'd better investigate this, Captain. } } Picard: Hmm, yes. It could be the work of this week's guest God Like } Alien. Make it so. } } } } } } } } } } Data: Apparently this singularity is the natural result of all the plot } holes and inconsistancies in our show. Captain, we are caught } in its gravitational field and are just barely holding our } position now. } } Picard: What should we do? Suggestions? } } Riker: Should we beam some Red Shirts over to it for some gratuitous } violence? } } Picard: No, we stopped killing people we introduce you to unless they } ask for more money during contract negotiations. So killing } off Red Shirts is not an option. } } Riker: Damn! } } Worf: Perhaps we should attempt to use the ships weapons to destroy the } singularity? } } Data: That would not work, as a singularity by definition is a single } point of space that absorbs anything that falls into it. } } Riker: (Asides to Troy) That was a really violent suggestion from a guy } who had a poodle dog as a kid. } } Picard: Perhaps Councellor Troy could use her telepathic powers to } ascertain the feelings of the singularity? } } Data: That would not work as a singularity has no intelligence. } } Picard: Oh. Rather like the plot of most of our shows. } } Riker: (Thinking to himself) Hoo! Do I ever want to get into Councellor } Troy's pants! Man is she hot! } } Troy: (Thinking to herself) There's now way that loser is going to get } into my pants. } } Picard: Stop thinking that, you two. This is a family show. } } } } Engineering: Captain! We've got an emergency down here! } } Picard: What is it? } } Engineering: There are only five minutes left before the last } commercial break! } } Picard: Oh my God! Engineering! Get us out of here! Do whatever it } takes! } } } } } Riker: They did it! We've moved away from the singularity! } } Picard: And just barely in the nick of time for the last commercial } break. Good job everyone! } ... } } You owe the Oracle a completely unpredictable episode of TNG. --- 816-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > Why do i always get the weird ones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The weird ones flock to you like silver-winged geese, ripe } with expectation for the jollities you provide. Running } through piles of blue and yellow fried pork chops, they } laugh and chitter excitedly. Golden rays of joy permeate } the room, spinning webs of gossamer which evaporate as soon } as they touch the mirror. Smoky green tendrils climb the } walls, causing vast wonderment at their purpose. Amid } all of this, your question pours from your lips, and you } wait expectantly for the reply that is your due. A } feathery crowd rushes up to you, a breeze brushes across } your face, and the weird ones reply: } } "We love you, man!" } } You owe the Oracle some colorless green ideas, sleeping } furiously.