From oracle-request Fri Feb 9 11:06:24 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.48) id LAA02230; Fri, 9 Feb 1996 11:06:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 11:06:24 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199602091606.LAA02230@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #815 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 815 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #815 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 11:06:24 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 815 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 810 111 votes 9BAn6 6gKz8 3ftKi bwGl5 rhtv7 jkBt6 4isyr dpxqe 2kyHc 7fzxl 810 3.1 mean 2.8 3.2 3.5 2.8 2.8 2.8 3.6 3.0 3.4 3.4 --- 815-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, thou whose magnificent healing powers can cure even the > massive inferiority complex that puny mortals get when they compare > themselves to thou, please hear this truly pathetic question, and > perchance, to answer. > > Oracle, why is the word 'therapist' made up of 'the' and 'rapist'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I guess you've never seen your wallet after an hour session. } } You owe the Oracle an unlimited bank account. --- 815-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please be sure your question is in the form of a question. } } You owe the Oracle a question. --- 815-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You walk down a hallway, towards the boudoir, mesmerized by that > heady, exotic aroma you identify with her, the object of your desires. > > You open the door. There, lounging on the bed in a skimpy negligee, > she waits. The light plays about her form, teasingly. "Come here," > she beckons. "I've got a surprise for you, hon." > > You close the door behind you, unbuttoning your shirt as you > approach. You pre-- > > SLAM!! The door splinters open behind you, and two jackbooted thugs > with AK-47s and "CDA" helmets burst onto the scene. > > "Trying to peddle your smut on the Internet, eh?" the taller one > sneers. "We've got your number now! Heh heh heh..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, stay calm. You see the one on the left? Well he's not } quite as confident about this as he looks - notice the nervous } glances over his shoulder? The jerky body movements? This man is } unsure about himself, his abilities, and the legality of the } situation. Chances are they've failed to clear the paper-work before } coming round (after all would you fill out form no. IP100324/295a } rev2.1.c "Confiscation Of Equipment Suspected Of Holding Encoded } Pornography - Warrant" or crack out the AK-47's and kick down } doors?). It's a fairly sure thing that the papers aren't filled out. } Shoot you now and it's murder (technically). You've got to keep calm } and watch the situation. Wait for the guy on the left to turn } slightly toward his partner, just enough for the muzzle of his gun to } be off you. Pick up that half-cup of cold coffee with the fuzz } growing on it from beside the monitor (carefully, they're nervous as } it is remember). Wait for your moment and fling the scrofulous } contents into the face of the guy on the right. This is when you've } got to be ready to move, and I mean MOVE. Bring your left shoulder } down and charge the guy on the left, try to make contact between your } left shoulder and the guys breast-bone. This should knock him over, } unbalance him or even crack said breastbone if you got it right. Grab } the AK-47 from behind him and waste his son-of-a-bitch partner while } using nervous bloke as a shield. Waste the nervous bloke (you should } have disarmed him by now). Waste the woman (who was she anyway?) - } too many witnesses already. Right, time is of the essence - } disconnect your PC's peripherals, they're cheap and can be replaced. } Find a bag and shove the desktop box into it. Think man think! } Where's your driving licence? Library ticket? Video rental card? } You've got about ten minutes to collect all your major forms of ID } and get the hell out of there. You won't be back for a while, and the } cops are probably en-route even as I type this. Head for the Lincoln } memorial (use the overnight Greyhound - I don't trust trains). Be } there by ten tomorrow morning and look out for a guy selling Fake Dog- } Turds. Ask to buy five "for my mothers birthday". The words are } important. His name's Bernard - he'll get you out of the country. } Good luck and viva la resistance! } } You owe the Oracle some fuzzy coffee. --- 815-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many apples would Bill Gates chuck if Bill Gates > could chuck apples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 655,360. Because 640K ought to be enough for anybody. --- 815-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, Pluto is a dog, but what is Goofy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Rush Limbaugh in a speedo brief } 2. All the Connie Chung look-alikes doing news } 3. OJ on CNN } 4. Running naked through the rain wearing one red and one yellow } rubber boot } 5. Asking the Oracle to take a break from beer, chips, and } Superbowl reruns to answer goofy questions --- 815-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who is truly a blithe spirit, > > I was reading Percy Bysshe Shelley's "The Mask of Anarchy," which is > about the August 16, 1819, police brutality incident at St. Peter's > Field, Manchester. The third-to-last stanza is: > > And that slaughter to the nation > Shall steam up like inspiration, > Eloquent, oracular -- > A volcano heard afar. > > I couldn't help but notice the word "oracular" in there. What's up > with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I wish that little episode could be forgotton. Bother } that Shelley character. } } I'm afraid I had a (minor) hand in that confrontation. It } wasn't my fault, though, honest. You see, the police } lieutenant had got wind of some impending domestic disorder, } and he asked me for my advice on the situation. I told } him, of course (in the language common at the time) to } "stay the unrestful hands". } } Unfortunately, just as I set out to write out my answer to } this gentle supplicant (bear in mind that this was before } the advent of computers), I heard the next supplicant in line } rehearsing his question: "How much wood..." you know the } one. And in my sudden extreme irritation, I neglected to } cross one of my t's. The police took my advice seriously, } for which I suppose I can't really fault them, and the } unrestful hands were slain forthwith. } } You owe the Oracle that supplicant's head on a platter. --- 815-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, who drives the coolest cars and who never gives > the finger when cut off in traffic, I need a REAL quick answer > to this problem. > > I'm currently sitting in the left turn lane at the corner of > Higgins and Mannheim. The left turn arrow has just come on > but there is a squirrel right in front of my car. Should I > wait until he gets out of the way risking the wrath of the, > oh, 15 or so cars behind me or should I just turn the little > bugger into road pizza in the name of traffic flow? > > Please hurry. I think I have about 15 milliseconds until the > guy behind me starts leaning on his horn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have reached the useanet oracle, providing answers for 2 millenia! } If you wish to subscribe to the oracle newsletter press 18373634 now } if you wish to ask a question push 84736475867363746657 in exaclty 3.65 } seconds if you want to complain about an answer wait for the dial tone } if you want to ask the woodchuck question press 666 then wait for the } ZOT if you need to talk to the oracle in person, he is on lunch break } right now and will be back in fifteen minutes, please hold on. } (cheasy music plays) --- 815-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and powerful Oracle, please let it be known the answer to > this question: > > Is the Dark Side stronger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but the Far Side is funnier. --- 815-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most sage, > > How can I deal with the pain of divorce and the separation from > my children? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get a knit stocking cap, a black sweatsuit, and a pair of $150 gloves. } Put your passport, a fake beard, a shovel, and $10,000 in the Bronco. } Call a limo to take you to the airport. Wait a minute. Didn't I } give you this advice almost TWO YEARS ago? What's the problem? } } You owe the Oracle a treatise entitled, "How the pampering of athletes } in America severely distorts their sense of responsibility," and if } you want me to leave you alone, LEAVE ME ALONE! --- 815-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better, cake or pie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Choosing between cake and pie can be a difficult decision indeed. We } will have to look at the features available in each so you can decide } which is better for you. } } Both come with a wide range of installation packages, ranging from easy } starting kits, to the do it all yourself 'scratch' method. } } Both will work with your existing hardware. You will not need to } upgrade your spoon or your bowl. } } Although pie is a strong contender in the Thanksgiving market, it } doesn't even compete with cake when it comes to birthdays. } } Cake has an interesting 'cupcake' option you might like. } } Most cake systems require the use of 'frosting', which has to be } assembled separately. } } Cake is simple, but nothing is supposed to be easier than pie. } } Now that you have all the facts, you can make an informed decision. The } Oracle personally suggests you learn both systems, since they are both } quite useful. } } You owe the oracle an electric mixer.