From oracle-request Thu Jan 18 15:13:45 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id PAA09752; Thu, 18 Jan 1996 15:13:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 15:13:45 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199601182013.PAA09752@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #809 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 809 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #809 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 15:13:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 809 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 804 100 votes jLm75 2erxo 1dAvj 7uwm9 hswe9 aqwkc 2fwFa aklxg 9szn5 boiti 804 3.1 mean 2.3 3.6 3.5 3.0 2.7 3.0 3.4 3.2 2.9 3.2 --- 809-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most innocent child, what makes you so inaccurate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I copied off the Oracle next to me. --- 809-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does santa deliver all of those toys in such a short amount of > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well, well, if it isn't the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of- } those-toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question. Every year, regular } as clockwork, this little gem lands in my in-tray. *You* might get your } kicks drooling over the gaily wrapped presents under the Christmas } tree, picking them up and shaking them and trying to figure out what's } in them. Not me! I await the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of-those- } toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question with barely restrained, } gleeful anticipation. } } Or, to paraphrase the immortal Bard, a woodchuck question by any other } name is still a pain in the butt. } } Well, what shall I tell 'em this time? The one about time dilation } caused by faster-than-the-speed-of-light reindeer? Or how every time } you walk down the high street at this time of year you notice at least } two dozen Santas, which most people might take as a clue that there is } more than one of the beggars to share the load around? How about, sorry } kid, there ain't no Santa Claus, it was your parents all the time, you } gullible little twonk? } } Nah... Part of my ineffable charm is how I never repeat myself, not } even after three helpings of cauliflower cheese. So what'll it be this } time? How about this: Santa's magic, you see, and he puts us all to } sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when you wake up, } it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody ever notices. } } Sorry, that was really pathetic, I know. Only a complete idiot would } believe a story like that. I'm not myself today. I got rather tanked up } at the end-of-semester party Friday night and Marilyn Gillette -- do } you know Marilyn? She's the head of the university's computing } department -- well, anyway, she suggested -- } } What am I saying? Hey, I never told you any of this, right! One word to } Lisa and you're getting ZOTted with extreme prejudice, you hear me? } } Getting back to your question. Well, Santa's magic, you see, and he } puts us all to sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when } you wake up, it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody } ever notices. } } You owe the Oracle an original question involving running noses and } smelling feet. --- 809-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise Oracle, > > Why do I dream only of purple cows stealing my shoes? What could this > mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This implies that: } } 1. You have fallen for all those ads in which basketball stars want } you to believe that buying thier shoes will make you jump as high } as they do. } } 2. You believe that cows, in their desperate attempts to jump over the } moon, are envious of your shoes ability and are constantly trying } to steal them from you. } } 3. Your dreams are colorized by Ted Turner. } } You owe the Oracle a laser disc player and a disc of The Cabinet of } Doctor Caligari, in black and white, of course. --- 809-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please do not fail. I need your help, desperately, as you well > know. Which one should I choose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tough choice indeed. I guess I'll just have to give you the pros and } cons for all of them: } The Brown one: for - resilient, yet stretchable. against: hard and } tends to chaff the skin. } The Pink One: for - smooth, comfortable design. Against: batteries not } included. } The Rotating one: For: makes you feel better about yourself. Against: } tends to break down after a few uses. } The small one: For - good for those hard to reach places. Against - } will it really make you feel better about yourself? } } You owe the Oracle a pink one, a brown one, and one of them funny } little watchamacallits with the antennae. And next time you have to } choose a car-vacuum cleaner, just ask the salesman. --- 809-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-Knowing One, > > Something perplexes me. I am blind, for I know not the difference > between art and life. Help me to see. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } art matches your couch. --- 809-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just how many Oracles are there? I mean, one is enough, but.... but.... > INFINITELY many????? Boy, that sure does sound weird. Anyway, I've got > a question for ya. > > Who is your adviser? And no, don't say you are "all knowing" and all > that stuff. "True power lies behind the throne", as they say. So, who's > behind your throne controlling your responses, huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sir, you are correct. As you are aware from Plato's theory of Forms } (remember his story about the cave?) everything you see is but an } imperfect image of its Form. Plato didn't consider, however, that the } Forms themselves are but imperfect images of SuperForms. And the } SuperForms are but imperfect ... } } You begin to get the idea, don't you? There is indeed a SuperOracle } and behind him a SuperSuperOracle. There ARE an infinite number of } Oracles. Fortunately, I'm all-knowing, so I can count them. } Fortunately, I also know a lot of folk wisdom and cheap slogans, too. } My favorite one right now is, "What goes around comes around." And } THAT means ... } } I AM THE ULTIMATE SUPER-DOOPER ORACLE!!! That infinity of Oracles } went all around, and stopped again at me! I alone am really in charge } of myself, not some dweeb SuperOracle standing behind me. } } Ain't bogus philosophy wonderful?!?!!! You can start anywhere, twist } just a bit, and come out with the conclusion that suits you best. } } You owe the Oracle L. Ron Hubbard's typewriter. --- 809-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnientertaining Oracle, please help me. > > I need some ideas to spice up my juggling act. Fire, knives > and chainsaws just don't seem to impress people anymore. > Surely there must be some new twist I could use. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I must say that modern civilization, for all its amenities, never } matched the juggling prowess of ancient Greece. Who now has heard of } Chironopolous, who juggled three slaves' heads *before* they were } decapitaed, or Histaphenes, who juggled a two-handed sword, a barrel of } wine, and Apollo while dancing on the top of the mast of the noble ship } Hipholoni while a battle raged on the deck below? } } However, as I doubt these feats are within your grasp, I'll offer some } more down-to-earth suggestions. Although fire on its own may not seem } exciting enough, juggling three sticks of dynamite and the three } detonators they are randomly connected to could be good for a bang. If } you would like to learn from the experts, I suggest going to Washington } DC to watch Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich juggle figures. For an even } more impressive metaphysical performance, try Washington State and } watch Bill Gates juggle lines of code and product release dates at the } same time. And finally there was the quite famous and fortunately } videotaped almost everlasting juggling of jurors performed by Lance Ito } and OJ Simpson. } } You owe the Oracle Newt Gingrich juggling three lit sticks of } short-fuse dynamite. --- 809-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What do I have to do to become an Internet Service Provider? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Find a hula hoop. There is probably one down in the basement. If } not, go out to the local toy shop and buy one. This is a must. } 2) Mount the hoop vertically a foot off the floor. } 3) For i = 1 to 5; repeat (1:2); end for } 4) Jump through hoops. } } You owe the Oracle a nice domain name. --- 809-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose sun always shines and whose sheets are always > April fresh... > > Who is your pick to win this year's Superbowl? I would really like to > know so I could make an, um...investment. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. } } Stop laughing. Bet on them to win Super Bowl XXX (at ONE QUADRILLION } to 1 odds). But then save your receipt. Here's what's going to } happen. } } Jan. 28--The Dallas Cowboys beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 41-17. } } Jan. 29--Dallas is discovered to have gone $83 million over the salary } cap (mainly as a result of paying Deion Sanders both $15 million and } $20 million in a case of life imitating pizza commercials), and are } disqualified. Pittsburgh is declared the NFL champion. } } Jan. 30--The 14 other NFC teams file a grievance, complaining that an } NFC team was destined to win the Super Bowl, since they ALWAYS win the } Super Bowl, and it doesn't matter that Pittsburgh was one of the 1966 } NFL teams, they're in the AFC now and any NFC team can always beat any } AFC team in the Super Bowl. } } Jan. 31--In an unusual move, the NFL announces Super Bowl XXX.V will be } held instead of the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. It will feature the NFC } runner-up Green Bay Packers against another 1966 NFL team, the } Cleveland Browns. } } Feb. 4--Green Bay wins Super Bowl XXX.V by forfeit when the Cleveland } Browns completely fail to show up for the game. It turns out they } completed their long-threatened move to Baltimore without even leaving } a forwarding address. } } Feb. 7--The Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce a move to Cleveland. } } Feb. 8--A federal judge rules that the name "Cleveland Browns" belongs } to the city of Cleveland. } } Feb. 9--The NFL rules that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, soon to be the } Cleveland Browns, will play Green Bay in Super Bowl XXX.VI, which } everyone hopes will be the last one until next season. } } Feb. 11--Tampa Bay/Cleveland (still playing as the Buccaneers) and } Green Bay tie 3-3 in Super Bowl XXX.VI, henceforth known as "The Worst } Football Game Ever." It goes to quintuple overtime, lasting until 2:57 } A.M., until everyone just gets tired and agree to look up the } tiebreaker rules in the morning. } } Feb. 12--The never-before-used tiebreaker rule for this situation } states that the previous meeting of the two teams will be used to } decide the winner. In this case, Tampa Bay beat Green Bay 13-10 in } overtime on December 10. Tampa Bay is declared the Super Bowl XXX } champion. } } Feb. 13--The Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce that } they sold 45,000 seat deposits for a new stadium in the last 24 hours } and are staying in Tampa Bay. } } So, as you can see, this is truly a lesson that anything can happen in } the world of sports. My advice is to bet $100 on Tampa Bay, so as of } February 13, you'll have all the money in the world, which should be } just about enough for a luxury box at the new Tampa Stadium. } } You owe this long-suffering Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan, a.k.a. The } Oracle, a wild-card playoff berth next season. At least. --- 809-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm the new one for this oracle service.Do I have to pay for this > service? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } You owe the Oracle all your body hair.