From oracle-request Sun Nov 5 15:58:05 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.38) id PAA08357; Sun, 5 Nov 1995 15:58:05 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 15:58:05 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199511052058.PAA08357@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #792 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 792 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #792 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 15:58:05 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 792 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 787 89 votes bqsg8 1bqyh 2mupa 1sxk7 Alch3 4eClc cquf6 a5lqr 4iwob 5bhtr 787 3.1 mean 2.8 3.6 3.2 3.0 2.2 3.3 2.7 3.6 3.2 3.7 --- 792-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and magnificent being could you help me with this > > Tell me:- > > If most people who wear clothes get belly button fluff, where does this > fluff go to ? Is there are great Belly Button Fluff Mountain ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Actually, no. It's a good guess, but actually this humble substance is } the raison d'etre of the Belly Button Fluff (or BBF) Fairy, less famous } than the Tooth Fairy but more widely known than the Toenail Clipping } Fairy, the Lost Hair Fairy, or the Used Dental Floss Fairy. } } If you're dubious, you might consider the telling fact that few people } take the time to remove their belly button fluff, yet somehow it } doesn't continue to build up until it becomes a social embarrassment } (you never, for instance, hear people say, "Is that a wad of } undiscarded belly button fluff, or are you just glad to see me?"). } This is the doing of the BBF Fairy, who flits from belly button to } belly button during the night on a weekly basis, removing the week's } buildup and spiriting it away to an unknown location. } } What exactly happens to it after that is not clear; your guess about } the mountain is known to be incorrect because at this point such a } mountain would be visible from space and none has been found. Of } course, being the Oracle, I know the true answer, but I prefer to let } the Belly Button Fluff Fairy keep its little secret. Besides, Nabisco } employs many welmeaning and decent people who would be horrified to } learn... oops, almost spilled the beans there. } } Anyway, like the Tooth Fairy, the BBF Fairy likes to leave you little } gifts to repay you for its findings. Alas, due to a chronic funding } shortage, the BBF Fairy is not able to leave quarters, and opts instead } for small plastic objects in tiny sealed baggies, keys which don't fit } any known lock, dead batteries, and buttons, all of which it leaves } scattered about the house in random drawers to be found by puzzled but } (presumably) grateful human beings. If this practice displeases you, } you might want to count your blessings that the BBF Fairy does not } insist on stuffing these items into your belly button in the Tooth } Fairy's tradition of leaving the gift where the offering was found. } } You owe the Oracle a package of Oreos. --- 792-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you have silver there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } where? } } Because e-mail can be altered electronically, } the integrity of this communication cannot be guaranteed. --- 792-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great and wonderous Oracle.....Why *do* fools fall in in > love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several schools of thought on this: } } 1) Molecular biology } } Basically, a huge hunk of your DNA is there to make sure that the REST } of your DNA gets a chance to be copied. When your brain is getting } constructed, a hunk of it is allocated just for the "reproduce" } function. In order to accomplish that, it's allowed to tell you any lie } it wants to. } } So when a potential mate shows up, this hunk of your brain tells you } lies like "you are attractive" and "it'll work out this time". If you } try to interfere, eventually it just says "Look, bucko, I was built by } DNA which has been on this planet for 3.5billion years now. If you } think you can outwit a veteran of 3.5billion years of the struggle to } survive, then you have another think coming." } } 2) Self-selection of sample. } } If two sets of people begin romances, and one of them fails, the people } in the failed one think of themselves as foolish. The people in the } other one think of themselves as lucky. So both groups had romances, } but the one that flopped is the one that is marked as "foolish". } } 3) Basic misunderstanding. } } This is the school of thought which says that love isn't something you } fall into: love is something you grow. If you expect to just fall into } a perfect relationship, you're doomed. It has to grow, as the people } involved nurture it. } } 4) The "birds & bees" explanation. } } Fools fall in love because they're bird-brains. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Richard Dawkin's book _The Selfish Gene_. --- 792-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when i will be married And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right after the priest says 'I now pronounce you man and wife' --- 792-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is OJ guilty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The carton in my fridge says "100% pure". I guess that settles that. } } You owe the Oracle some Florida sunshine. --- 792-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who is never fooled by mere > mortals' trickery, how can I ask you the > dreaded w**dch**k question withoug getting > zotted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want the short answer or the long answer? } } The short answer is: "You can't!" ** ZOT ** } } *sigh* } } Look, how about if I tell you about me and woodchucks? Then maybe } you'll understand my revulsion and stop pestering me with this } particular question all the time. But you must promise to keep this } just between the two of us -- if it became general knowledge, my } reputation would be shot. } } It all started many centuries ago, when I was a young and naive } immortal, newly embarked on the career of Oracle... } } [The screen begins to waver, and violins play eerily in the background } as we enter flashback mode] } } CAESAR: What sayest thou to us, augurer? } } ORACLE: Er, hmm... say, do you fancy using tarot cards instead? They're } always good for a laugh. } } CAESAR: Fear not to speak plainly. The things that threaten'd us ne'er } looked but on our back; when they shall see the face of Caesar, they } are vanished. Dangers are to us indifferent. I'faith, danger knows } full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he. So speak! } } ORACLE: How 'bout I-ching? } } CAESAR: Nay! Pluck the entrails of this offering forth and give us your } opinion on't! When Caesar says "Do this!" it is perform'd. } } ORACLE: Well, I'll be frank with you, Jules. There's nothing I can say. } You see, this here sacrificial woodchuck's got no entrails to pluck } forth. } } CAESAR: An unnatural and most uncanny portent! } } ORACLE: Nah, no need to get your toga in a twist. All it means is I } can't give you a prediction. Nothing to go on, y'see. No entrails, no } answer. Nix. Nada. El zippo. Total blankness. Sorry and all that. } } CAESAR: Thou wilt not prophesy? Then art thou a sorry soothsayer, full } of sound and fury, signifying nothing! Caesar shall go forth! } } ORACLE: Okay, okay! Don't get mad and start slipping into Macbeth! Tell } you what I'll do, Jules. As it's you, I'll open up another woodchuck, } no extra charge. Two for the price of one! Can't say fairer than } that, can I? Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You yelled, O Semperprocognitive One? } } ORACLE: We need another woodchuck pronto -- this one's got no entrails. } } ZADOC: No entrails! An unnatural and most uncanny -- } } ORACLE: Don't you start! Just fetch another one. } } ZADOC: At once, Master! Where shall I -- } } ORACLE: Don't dither, fool! The customer is waiting! } } [Exit Zadoc the Priest, with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one } shuffling everywhere on his knees. Caesar paces restlessly] } } ORACLE [grinning weakly]: No entrails -- what a thing, eh? No wonder he } had a lean and hungry look. Ha ha ha, that's a joke, Jules! Lean and } hungry, geddit? Erm, oh well, suit yourself... [relapses into an } uncomfortable silence] } } CAESAR: Methinks we should take our custom elsewhere... } } ZADOC [re-entering at speed]: Here's another woodchuck! } } ORACLE: Quick, give it here! Hang about, Jules -- this won't take a } sec. } } WOODCHUCK: Squeak! Squeak! Sque-AWKK!!! } } ORACLE: Hah -- look at that! More entrails than you can shake a stick } at! Told you it'd be okay this time. } } CAESAR: Then prophesy, and stand not on ceremonies -- Caesar is turn'd } to hear. } } ORACLE: It says "Beware the Ides of March". } } CAESAR: 'Tis now November. } } ORACLE: Well, there you go then! No probs, eh? } } CAESAR: This way hast thou well expounded it. We are passing pleased, } soothsayer. } } ORACLE: Glad to be of service, Jules. Pay at the cash desk on the way } out. Have a nice day. } } [Exeunt Caesar and Zadoc the Priest. The Oracle studies the second } deceased rodent. A puzzled expression gradually creeps across his } sagacious features] } } ORACLE: ZADOC!! Get in here, you baboon! } } ZADOC [re-re-entering]: You yelled yet another time, O Ye of the } Titanium Lined Lungs? } } ORACLE: Where did you get this woodchuck? } } ZADOC: Er, from the blue cages, Master. } } ORACLE [horrified]: The *blue* cages! } } ZADOC [cringing]: Master, y-you said -- } } ORACLE: You gimboid! You pismire! You worse than senseless thingy! The } woodchucks in the blue cages won't be ready for another four months! } Wait a minute... four months? Ides of March? Ides of *November*! Oh } *NO*! Zadoc, where's Caesar? } } ZADOC: H-he just left on his way to the Senate -- } } ORACLE: SHIT!! We'll ever catch him now! Er... he *did* pay, didn't he? } } ZADOC: Yes, I think so... } } ORACLE [shrugging his shoulders glumly]: Oh well, I guess the day isn't } a complete write-off then. } } [The screen goes wavy again. Flashback mode ends] } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck haggis. And remember, not a word to } anyone. --- 792-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who could put all the financial analysts in New York > out of business with his keen insights... > > Thanks to some profitable investments, I've just made some money. What > do you think about the following options? > > A) starting a checking account > > B) paying my mortgage > > C) running off to the Caribbean, where I could buy up beachfront > property in the tax-free Cayman Islands and live like a king while > smuggling guns and cigarettes to revolutionaries in South America And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations on your newly-found fortune! Now that you're ready to } start living the good life, I'd like to talk to you about a Mutual of } Oracle insurance policy. } } Now I know that a lucky guy like you doesn't think he needs insurance. } However, we at Mutual of Oracle are concerned about your long-term } security. For instance, what if that lovely house of yours should } accidentally whoops! Well, you were planning on putting in a } skylight anyway, right? As I was saying, Mutual of Oracle provides } comprehensive insurance against every sort of risk. We'll even sell } you a very reasonable auto collision poli uh oh } - that's going to require a new coat of paint, at least... but back } to my original point. A fellow like yourself, in the prime of youthful } good health, can obtain excellent coverage for a very reasonable } monthly premium. Think of it as buying peace of mind; you'll never } have to worry about paying the cost of a catastrophic personal } injury oh dear. Do you need a band-aid? Well, } then, let me continue... we even provide low-cost term life insur- } } What's that? You'll sign with us? That's great! I'll send } Guido over to collect the first premium tomorrow. } } You owe Mutual of Oracle $10,000 in small, unmarked, non-sequential } bills. --- 792-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is a rational number defined as one which makes sense? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Originally, yes. But due to their misapplication, certain numbers } which originally made a great deal of sense don't anymore. For } example: } } number application reason for reduction in sense } ------ ----------- ----------------------------- } } 3 felony convictions Baseball metaphor carried way } too far. 3 strikes -> life } w/out parole? What's the next } at bat, reincarnation? } } 7 deadly sins False septchotomy. Where would you } put, say, eating three pounds of } Vanilla Macadamia ice cream off of } your SO's favorite erogenous zone? } } 9 lives of a cat It only seems like they've got } this many, because it's surprising } they aren't all throttled shortly } after outgrowing kittenhood. } } 50 ways to leave your Too constrictive, especially } lover the implied name/method rhyming } requirement. } } 57 varieties (Heinz) There are now c. 208. Get a grip. } } 76 trombones More than one trombone makes no } sense in any circumstances. If } you don't believe me, ask a } trombone player. } } 110 cornets ...right behind 76 trombones, IMHO. } } 1984 the novel Spurred needless anxiety about } government control of our lives. } Eleven years later, we can safely } get on the 'net and type "Sen. Exon } is a hoseba|}{+||~` } NO CARRIER --- 792-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do with myself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am *SHOCKED* by the level of obscentiy that this question implies!! } This is the kind of e-mail that will not only get you *ZOT!*ed by me, } the Usenet Oracle, but will bring on the *WRATH* of the United States } Senate! I'll see to it that you net access is buried so deep that } you'll need to dig a whole deeper that the *CLINTON* Administration } just to get to you LOGIN screen! Your kind really makes me sick, you } little stinking....oh, you meant after dinner tommorow? Oh, so sorry. } } Let's see.. there's nothing but reruns on the tube } tommorow, go watch Waterworld. Kevin needs the $7.00. } } You owe the Oracle Roger Eberts last book of movie reviews. --- 792-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will I go diamond? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About three million years after you go coal. } } You owe the Oracle a good fossilized Ammonite.