From oracle-request Thu Oct 19 00:10:46 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA03932; Thu, 19 Oct 1995 00:10:46 -0500 Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 00:10:46 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #787 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 787 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #787 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 19 Oct 1995 00:10:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 787 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 782 96 votes 4btvl 3kuxa 2eqwm avzc8 9fkum 8lFk6 5sIe5 2fzya 8hntj 3cutm 782 3.3 mean 3.6 3.3 3.6 2.8 3.4 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.4 3.6 --- 787-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the Ivy League? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A better question would be, "What WAS the Ivy League?" It was a } baseball league that existed from 1905 to 1908 as a competitor to the } National and American Leagues. With little to no money for travel, the } teams were located solely in the Northeast. Here's a list of the } teams: } } * New York Subway Motormen } * Boston Fishermen } * Philadelphia Founding Fathers } * Providence (R.I.) Clippers } * New Haven (Ct.) Blue Sox } * Princeton (N.J.) Gardeners } * Ithaca (N.Y.) Sparrows } * Hanover (N.H.) Green Mountaineers } } The Ivy League had several problems. First of all, with an odd number } of teams, scheduling proved to be nearly impossible. Second, the } American and National Leagues repeatedly refused to include the Ivy } League in postseason play, since there would have had to have been an } extra round of the postseason. And third, most of the teams had really } stupid names. } } After the Ivy League folded, sportswriter D.L. Wright of the New York } Sentinel-Bugle and Morning Call-Express noticed that the cities which } had had Ivy League teams also had something in common: they were home } to well-respected universities with strict admissions standards and a } high academic reputation--which, of course, didn't translate into } success with their athletic endeavors. Also, some of them had stupid } names, such as the "Big Red," "Big Green," and the "Elis." On } September 4, 1909, Wright jokingly referred to the "Ivy League" in his } column previewing the upcoming college football season. } } Other sportswriters picked up on the irony, and the term "Ivy League" } is still used today to refer to Columbia, Harvard, the University of } Pennsylvania, Brown, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, and Dartmouth. } } You owe the Oracle a New York Subway Motormen autographed baseball. --- 787-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, so nifty and cool, I beg you to help me! > > Does steel wool come from iron sheep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It shear does. Lots of people think that Mary's famous lamb } was one of those metal-covered sheep, but that was not the } case. The confusion comes from the fact that she also had } some cattle, one of which was metalic. Most people have } long forgotten that other verse from the song: } } Mary had a calf as well } With fur of shiny steel } She made a fortune selling it } As fresh self-canning veal. } } You owe the Oracle one of the beans from Jack's private stock. --- 787-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ursus in silvis cacatne? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm..... It appears that the questioner is a bit English-impared. } No, there's a tap on this e-mail line, and this must be a code to } confound the listeners. Curious, but I do so love a challenge! } } } moose% webster } } Word: ursus } } No definition for 'ursus'. Maybe you mean: } } 1. urus 2. urous } } } } Word: urus } } urus \'yu.r-es\ n } } [L, of Gmc origin; akin to OHG Uro urus, ohso ox -- more at OX] } } (1601) } } :an extinct large long-horned wild ox (Bos primigenius) of the German } } forests held to be a wild ancestor of domestic cattle } } } } Word: sylvis } } No definition for 'sylvis'. Maybe you mean: } } 1. syli } } } } Word: syli } } sy-li \'se^--le^-\ sylis } } [native name in Guinea] } } (1974) } } :the monetary unit of Guinea from 1972 to 1986 } } } } Word: cocatne } } No definition for 'cocatne'. Maybe you mean: } } 1. cocaine } } } } Word: cocaine } } co-caine \ko^--'ka^-n, 'ko^--,\ } } :a bitter crystalline alkaloid C17H21NO4 that is obtained from } } coca leaves, is used as a local anesthetic, can result in } } psychological dependence, and in large doses produces } } intoxication like that from hemp } } So our little cryptogram becomes: } Cattle in money cocaine? } Money in cocaine cattle? } Money in cattle cocaine? } Cocaine money in cattle? } } Ah, now it is clear. You want to know where to stash the cocaine } money before the DEA raids your farm tomorrow, and asked if the } cattle would be a good place. No, I'm afraid the DEA will search } the cattle tomorrow. As a matter of fact, they will search all the } places you're thinking of hiding the money. I do know where they } they won't search, but since you didn't ask ..... } } You owe the Oracle 30 kilos. --- 787-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm in love....I'm looking for an origional way to tell her. Please, > I'm really serious. I don't want to use the old worn out roses..I > need something origional, witty, and me. Thanks a bunch. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, here are a few ideas: } } 1. Chocolate-covered cherries. } 2. Drive to her house dressed in nothing but Saran wrap, } and knock on the front door. } 3. Offer to sell yourself into slavery for her. } 4. Hold a party. Act very surprised when she's the only } one who shows up. } 5. Homemade cookies. } 6. Tell her to ask The Usenet Oracle who the love of her } life is. (Note: there's an extra charge for this } one.) } 7. Poetry. Hire a ghost writer if absolutely necessary. } 8. The old "serenade under her bedroom window" trick. } Be sure to use a lute, not an electric guitar. } 9. Give her a baby kitten. If she's allergic to cats, } substitute an iguana. } 10. Feign suicidal depression. Take advantage of her } sympathy. (If she doesn't have any sympathy, then } you're wasting your time anyway.) } } You owe the Oracle your mug shot, with the Saran wrap. --- 787-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering > about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a > nagging question which has been bothering me for some > time now. > > Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your > incarnations must quote my questions in their answers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering } > about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a } > nagging question which has been bothering me for some } > time now. } > } > Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your } > incarnations must quote my questions in their answers? } } No, I think that some people are just really dumb. But then } again, the absolute idiocy of people can be proved by the fact } that they come up with consistently unfunny answers. It seems } that a lot of them don't even try any more. --- 787-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What IS that stuff that forms on your fingers after eating an entire > jumbo bag of Cheetos? > > PS: I did grovel, but that Cheetos gork got all over the top of the > page so I cut it off. Sorry. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } I being all knowing realize that you indeed tried to type in a } grovel, and I appreciate it. I also realize what a pain gork on the } fingers can be. As a note, the same gork can be obtained from new } Cheester Cheese Dorritos (c). Anyways, it is a little known fact that } bags of Cheetos are the rare fruit of the North American Couch plant. } When you are eating a bag of Cheetos you are enjoying the nectar of } that sweet plant. Another little known fact is that these plants breed } by a remarkable evolutionary process known as trans-pollination. The } gork you described is actually the sperm of the Couch plant, and to } fertilize and reproduce it must be rubbed vigarously on the linings of } the couch plants ovum, or pillows. I hope this helps. Enjoy those } Cheetos. } } You owe the Oracle a big old bag of Gork-free Pork Rinds. --- 787-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the World Wide Web really a useful resource? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Far more useful than the Usenet O } } HEY!!!! GET AWAY FROM THAT KEYBOARD!!!!!! } } <<*ZOT*>> } } Sorry about that, supplicant. Just a priest with too much time on } his hands. Have to keep them busy, you know, otherwise they start } getting uppity. } } But anyway, the Web is helpful on very rare occasions. For the } main part, though, it's simply a bunch of trivia and games, in an } attractive, glitzy package. There are much more useful alternatives } on the net, including the Usenet Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a honeydew list for the priests, and a cute } advertising jingle. --- 787-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please send me the dip switch settings for an AST Advantage memory > board. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On and Off. That was an easy one. } } You owe the Oracle a tough question. --- 787-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle: > > Your wisdom spreads wider than a rural four lane highway. Please > share with me a rubber fleck of your unending tire of knowledge. > >Who called the ambulance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The law firm of Harrison, Whitley, and Morris did. They were returning } from lunch in their limo and happened to see the accident. So they } dialed 911 from the limo phone and then cha--FOLLOWED the ambulance to } Jacksonville General Hospital. Just to see if the injured person was } all right. Turned out to be a DUI. So now they're suing the } following: } } 1. NBC, for airing a commercial for Budweiser. } 2. Anheuser-Busch, for manufacturing the beer that led to the injuries. } 3. ABC Liquor, for selling the beer that led to the injuries. } 4. Ekco Cutlery, for manufacturing the bottle opener that allowed the } beer to be opened. } 5. Continental Glassware, for manufacturing the glass into which the } beer was poured. } 6. The Dodge division of Chrysler, for not fitting their ignition } systems with a breathalyzer. } 7. Southern Bell, for putting a telephone pole right next to the road, } where it could be crashed into. } 8. The Florida Department of Transportation, for building a road that } was completely unsafe to drive on in a DUI situation. } } So remember, the next time you're in your limousine and see an } accident, do not hesitate to call an ambulance. It could be extremely } profitable for you and your lawfirm. A public service message from } the American Bar Association. } } You owe the Oracle a cold one. --- 787-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle has nothing to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not YOU again! } } ***RRRIPP!*** } | } And I was having *such* a | } good day.... | } | Hi there, Evil Twin! How's the } | question-and-answer business? } Gets worse each year, thanks. | } | Sorry to hear that. You really } | ought to get out more. } "Get out more"? I'm stuck here | } answering questions for all | } eternity, you dork! | } | Hee hee! Sorry to remind you. } And you call ME the evil twin. | } | How's Lisa? } She ran off and married Michael | } Jackson, as you well know. | } | Oh yes, how silly of me to forget... } Look, did you come here just to | } rub salt in my wounds, or what? | } | Actually, I came to ask a question. } *What?* | } | Hey, it's your job, right? } So help me, if your question | } starts with "How much wood", | } I'll -- | } | No, nothing like that. } All right, then, what is it? | } | What's it like being stuck here for } | time immemorial, forced to answer } | every insipid, pointless question } | that all of humanity has to offer? } ***grrrr...**** | } | Ha ha! } Actually, it's funny that you | } should ask me that. | } | How so? } Because now that you've asked | } me a question, you owe me | } something. | } | And what might that be? } Eternity. | } | Huh? } See ya! | } | Hey, now *wait* a minute -- } | } *pop!* } } Hey! } } Come back here! You can't *do* this! } } Let me outta here!