From oracle-request Wed Sep 27 14:59:32 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id MAA28132; Wed, 27 Sep 1995 12:57:56 -0500 Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 12:57:56 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #780 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 780 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #780 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 12:57:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 780 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 775 88 votes 5yue5 9fzk9 0byte 5hooi bnug8 84clH erva6 8gxn8 32hpF 7hCi8 775 3.2 mean 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.4 2.9 4.0 2.6 3.1 4.1 3.0 --- 780-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich MCgee" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > What's for dinner tonight? > > -L And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa } } Is it Monday again all ready? We've got to get some help that does't } need days off. It wasn't like this back in Delphi, the virgins were } there to knock up a bit of ambrosia 24 hours a day 7 days a week. } } OK I'll think of something lets do a quick scan of the food groups for } some new ideas........ } } alt.food nothing } alt.food.chocolate nothing } alt.food.cocacola nothing } alt.food.coffee nothing } alt.food.dennys nothing } alt.food.fast-food nothing } alt.food.fat-free nothing } alt.food.ice-cream nothing } alt.food.low-fat nothing } alt.food.mcdonalds *BARF* } alt.food.pancakes nothing } alt.food.peeps nothing } alt.food.professionals nothing } alt.food.red-lobster nothing } alt.food.sushi nothing } alt.food.taco-bell nothing } alt.food.waffle-house nothing } alt.food.wine nothing } rec.food.chocolate nothing } rec.food.cooking nothing } rec.food.drink nothing } rec.food.drink.beer nothing } rec.food.drink.coffee nothing } rec.food.drink.tea nothing } rec.food.historic nothing } rec.food.preserving nothing } rec.food.recipes nothing } rec.food.restaurants nothing } rec.food.sourdough nothing } rec.food.veg nothing } } Not a thing that I fancy. } } Just one last place to look. } } ************* } alt.spam ***BINGO*** } ************* } } Ah the very thing, havn't had this in ages. } } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Subject: Take back the SPAM!! + recipe } From: Scott Madison , Sandia National Labs } Date: 20 Sep 95 18:39:27 GMT } } Road Kill SPAM } } Take a can of spam, put it on a busy highway. Wait for it to } get run over. Take the pulpy remains (throwing away the bits } of tin) and eat it. } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } } I may be a bit late, could you sort out the slaw. } } Orrie --- 780-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who CAN eat just one potato chip, please tell me > this: > > We've got a betting pool going on with regards to famous matchups in > history. Who would have won these? > > Bach vs. Beethoven > Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh > Aristotle vs. Kant > Da Vinci vs. Kepler > > (just so you know, my money's on Bach.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle resurrects Aristotle and Kant, and places a open bag of } Ruffles before each. } } Orrie: "Now, who can eat just one?" } Aristotle: "Why would anyone not want to eat just one? One is the } measure of all things, from which all else is built. One is } unity, and symbolizes purity. Therefore clearly I could eat } just one." } Orrie: "Yes, well you still haven't tried them." } Aristotle eats a chip, and another, and another. "Mmmm. Very good." } Orrie: "Hah! So you can't eat just one." } Aristotle points to the bag of chips. "This? This doesn't matter. } What matters is thought, and a have logically shown that I can } eat just one." [munch] } Orrie: [turns to Kant] "How about you?" } Kant: "Clearly we can't discover anything by just thinking about it. } We must perform an empirical experiment." [Eats a chip.] } "Yes, I this is evidence that I can eat just one. However a } single experiment conveys little information. We must verify the } results." [Eats another chip.] "Yes, this corroborates the first } experiment. Still, more evidence would be helpful." [Eats more } chips.] } Orrie: "It appears neither of you can eat just one." } Aristotle: "What! I have logically proven that I can eat only one." } [munch] Kant: "And I have-" [munch] "-performed many experiments } showing that I can eat just one." } Orrie: "Thank you gentlemen." *POOF* } } Oracle writes down on clipboard "Aristotle v. Kant --- both lose." } } Orrie: "Hmmm. They ate all my Ruffles. Now I'll have to perform } some different tests." } An art dealer suddenly appears. "Zat am I doink here? And zo are you?" } Orrie: "I need you to appraise these." } Dealer: "Zwa? Es dis an original Rembrant? And dis a Van Gogh? Vere } did you get dese?!" } Orrie: "The curator of the Hermitage had a question... But that's } another story. Which is worth more?" } Dealer: "Dese are both priceless! Rembrant and Van Gogh zere both } brillant painters!" } Orrie: "Yes, but who's the _winner_?" } Dealer: "Vell, de Van Gogh ist probably vurth more, because Van Gogh } painted less. Ee ad a miserable life, you know." } Orrie: "And Rembrant didn't?" } Dealer: "Yes, dat's right." } Orrie: "So Rembrant was the winner, but if you want to be a winner } you'll own the Van Gogh rather than the Rembrant?" } Dealer: "I suppose...." } Orrie: "Thank you." *POOF* } } Oracle writes down on clipboard "Rembrant v. Van Gogh --- Van Gogh died } penniless and insane. Rembrant wins." } } A musician suddenly appears. "Hey!" } Orrie: "You're a classical musician, aren't you?" } Musician: "Yeah. Who are you?" } Orrie: "I'm the Usenet Oracle. You owe the Oracle a autographed } original of one of Mozart's compositions. And try to grovel when } you ask a question." } Musician: "What's going on here?!" } Orrie: *Zot* "Remember what I said about grovelling?" } Musician: "OWWWW! Ouch, oww." } Orrie: "Who's more popular, Beethoven or Bach?" } Musician: "Geee, I don't know." } Orrie: "Who's more widely known then?" } Musician: "More widely known? What do you mean?" } Orrie: "Who's work reaches the farthest?" } Musician: "Well, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is on those records that } NASA puts on those space probes." } Orrie: "And Bach's work is not?" } Musician: "Not that I know of. But they also have 'Johnny B. Goode'." } Orrie: "Thank you." *POOF* } } Oracle write down on clipboard "Bach v. Beethoven --- Bach loses to } Johnny B. Goode. Beethoven wins." } } Orrie: "This is too much work." } Oracle writes down on clipboard "Da Vinci v. Kepler --- Da Vinci is two } words and seven letters. Kepler is only one word and six } letters. Da Vinci wins." } } Supplicant, here are the results you wished for: } Bach vs. Beethoven: Beethoven wins } Rembrandt vs. Van Gogh: Rembrandt wins } Da Vinci vs. Kepler: Da Vinci wins } And in philosophy no one wins. Remeber that philosophy majors } when you get out into the real world. } } You owe the Oracle some bags of Ruffles potato chips to replace those } eaten by Kant and Aristotle. --- 780-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, oo you are so big and just, well, super.... > > I am largely net.isolated and so I haven't encountered him myself but I > was hoping you could explain this obsession lots of people seem to have > with Joel Furr. The impression I get is that he's a moronic control > freak who can't cope with people doing anything unless they do it his > way - he also seems to want to be the centre of attention all the time. > I've found in my years of net.experience (and life experience for that > matter) that ignoring these people causes them to shrivel up and die, > or else mutate into something resembling human...... so what gives? > Why does everyone seem so obsessed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Old King Joel was a merry old soul, } A merry old soul was he. } He sent many questions 'bout lemurs, } Like, "Do they frink frequently?" } } At first he was amusing and cute, } Amusing and cute was he. } But soon we got annoyed and tired } Of reading his repartee. } } And when Joel wrote that annoying FAQ, } That annoying FAQ wrote he, } Orrie decided the time had come } To *ZOT* him permanently. } } Ah, but then Joel posted on Usenet, } posted on Usenet did he, } He posted mad notes on the newsgroup } rec.humor.oracle.d. } } He caused massive flames from the readers, } Flames from the readers caused he. } So Orrie had no need to *ZOT* him-- } All you guys did it for me! --- 780-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who watches the watchmen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who, indeed! } } Actually, in 1995, nobody. Oh, your question must have fallen in from } the future. I'll give you a brief history: } } Fall 1997: FOX begins airing The Watchmen, a saturday-morning } cartoon. It's a smash-hit. Children from all over the world } find themselves glued to the TV from 8-8:30 each saturday morning. } } Spring 1998, the first action figures and merchandising appear. } Rorshach dolls and bleeding smiley-faces become all the rage. } } June, 1999, a giant space-alien crashes into New York City. } People all over the world are driven near-mad by the burst of } psychic energy released (except those who took my advice and } were heavily dosed on vallium). } } Fall, 1999, The Watchmen show is cancelled, as no one is interested } in violent TV shows, anymore. Everyone simply wants peace. } } Later that year, the last person to ever commit a violent crime turns } herself in. } } October, 2003, real Aliens arrive, and quickly subdue the passive } population. They are fascinated with earth history, and begin } airing The Watchmen, again. } } December, 2003, humans regain their backbone, and kick the aliens } off the planet. } } From then, on, *everyone* watches The Watchmen. } } You owe TUO burgers 'n borscht. --- 780-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and grand Oracle, I beg, with my face in the dust from your > gigantic feet, that you please bestow upon me a miniscule dose of your > wisdom. > > I have been watching the Jack in the Box commercials lately. Is it > true that the head of a major corporation in America is a clown? Are > there any other instances of clowns in disguise in our culture? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While clowns do indeed run rampant in the business world, particularly } in sales and marketing, this is not the case with Mr. J. "Jack in the" } Box. } } He is afflicted with craniofiberglasia, a congenital condition that } afflicts approximately one in 35 fictional persons. As seen in Box's } case, it typically manifests itself as an unusually large head with } exaggerated features. The skin takes on a milky appearance. The patient } has little or no control over his facial expressions, and the voice } becomes muffled. He may also display impaired motor skills and show } difficulty negotiating obstacles such as doorways, furniture and small } children. } } Since the patient often resembles a circus professional, he may be } embarassed to be out in public and attempt to disguise himself as a } bear, chicken, or unusually pigmented reptile. While there are few } corporate successes like Box, many have achieved fame and fortune in } the entertainment industry. } } It should be noted that Box has fully accepted his condition and } refuses to even consider plastic surgery. } } You owe the Oracle an antenna ball. --- 780-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who is more than just 'netscape enhanced', please tell > me; > > Which is the best html language? Netscape, HTML 3.0, HotJava, or > something else? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None of the above. The best HTML language to use is HTML95, due out by } Christmas of this year. It'll have full motion video support, real-time } data compression, total failsafe security, and be pretty darned fast } too. All HTML 3.11 users should upgrade. What's that, Bill? Oh. It } won't be out until NEXT year, but boy, will it be good. No more "Can't } find page" errors, I'll tell ya. What? ANOTHER year? AND you'll have to } upgrade RAM, hard drive, and processor capabilities? } } Use LinHTML. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of HTML Warp and LinHTML. --- 780-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, most gracious and good, who knows > more than Julia Child and Betty Crocker combined, please > answer my humble question, I pray: > > Just what does woodchuck taste like? Is there a best way > to prepare this noble rodent? I live in a large city -- > where can I procure fresh woodchuck? I'm eager to try this > new delicacy, and I hope that you will quickly answer! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. It tastes like chicken. (But then again what doesn't?) } 2. Woodchuck is best prepared by ZOTing. } 3. To find woodchuck, do a askme to oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to dinner. --- 780-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and Great Oracle, whose knowledge is the light at the end of the > tunnel of ignorance and fear, please give me your take on this: > > It seems that there is a nasty rumor going around that your Priests are > required to take a vow of celibacy and that as a result, Dr. Noe hasn't > been able to get any lately. Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your mouth says Noe Noe Noe, but your eyes say Yes, Yes, Yes. --- 780-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: supplicant@aol.com } From: Sally Struthers, Director } TUO Techincal Correspondence School } Subj: Test Grade } } Hello there student. } } I'm glad to announce that you've scored a A+ for Chapter 2 of } "Introduction To Computers": "The Enter Key". } } We ask that you return the textbook for Chapter 1: "Understanding } the on/off button" as quickly as possible. The Microsoft Network is } opening up for operations. } } You owe the Oracle a #2 pencil. And you owe Sally Struthers a rack } of ribs. --- 780-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Omniscent Oracle upon whose every word we hang like maggots on > the hook.... > > I read last month in 'The Labeller : The monthly journal of The > Honourable Association of Beer Bottle Label Collectors' that you have > a large collection of rare and interesting beer bottle labels. I > wondered if you could share with me (and my colleagues) the stories > behind some of your favourites.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. } } My favourite is of course the last label from the hand-brewed 'Assyrian } Extra-Dry' beer brewed by the very inventor of beer himself, Assam Al } En Beer. Unfortunately, not only was beer not very popular in those } days forcing Assam to stick the labels on himself, but beer label } adhesive included sugar of lead, leading to Assam's rapid mental } deteriation. Assam managed to twist the label into a triple mandelbrot } figure of 16 with his tongue before he collapsed on the table foaming } at the gills. } } Later, Queen Sheba Al Shahid Woodstock tried to imitate Queen } Cleopatra's success with Mark Antony by having herself delivered to } Prince Dimitris of Troy wrapped inside a giant beer label (Tunisian } Malt Special). Unfortunately, Dimitris was on holiday in Tenerife at } the time of arrival, and Sheba died of starvation while being carried } across central Europe. Recent image processing work on the label has } revealed the face of Queen Sheba herself, finally solving the question } of why Prince Dimitris had headed west in such a hurry. } } Then of course there's the famous beer label (Spitfire Supreme) onto } the back of which Winston Churchill had scrawled secret coded plans for } the invasion of Europe. Some historians claim that the message 'Alice, } get me three boxes of Preparation H' was not coded, but actually meant } what it said. However, I can reveal that this is not true, and will } remain not true at least until I flog this label to some sucker. } } To add a bit of cultural flair, I'd like to include the label from the } first bottle of beer brewed in Japan, by Yopparai Hebereke of Hiroshima } in 1869. Some people claim that this beer purloined an American recipe, } but the Japanese claim that his 'Budstupider' brand was a completely } independent invention. Yopparai Hebereke went on to lead the Hebereke } Zaibatsu which during the second world war developed the 'beer bomb', } his plan to sweep the Americans from the Pacific arena like a 'Divine } Wind'. Unfortunately, adding Miso paste to the hops didn't cause the } fatal flatulence that he expected and the plan failed. } } Not all of my favourite beer labels are ancient. There is of course the } famous beer label (Texan Red) that complained to the media after being } cruelly ripped off the bottle by Bill Clinton. Cynics have asked what } the label expected after being ordered up to his hotel room via room } service at 2am in the morning. However, this scandal has caused severe } and irreparable damage to Bill's reputation. } } Though, my true favourite beer label is always the one that I read } slowly and lingeringly just before I open the ice cold bottle and .... } ahhhhhh. } } You owe The Oracle a six pack, of breweries.