From oracle-request Mon Sep 25 15:37:35 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id PAA25535; Mon, 25 Sep 1995 15:37:35 -0500 Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 15:37:35 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #779 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 779 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #779 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 15:37:35 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 779 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 774 83 votes 9atih fsoe2 4gAk7 2assf 6fpne bgmke 7nnka 7bkol hos77 49pve 774 3.1 mean 3.3 2.5 3.1 3.5 3.3 3.1 3.0 3.5 2.6 3.5 --- 779-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and Most Wise Oracle! Please tell me: > > Why are some watermelon seeds white and some black? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Affirmative action. --- 779-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your cards are: 10C JC QC KC 4D > It is your turn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has had to ponder that one for a while now. We guess, since } it's our turn we have plenty of options depending on what exactly is } going on. } We happen to know that the question involves the little known game of } Pop Music Hearts. In this game, the important cards are: KC (and the } Sunshine Band), AC (DC), (American Top) 4D, (Elton John) QC, and of } course any and all hearts. We know that AC(DC) is not quite as strong } in this game as it used to be, we guess you could say they lost some of } their Thunder, but in this game they Shook Me All Night Long. However, } that still leaves KC(and the Sunshine Band) well in the game. They } could easily be expected to pull in at least one hit. The Oracle, } though, would hesitate to do what our opponents would expect which is } to throw the KC(and the Sunshine Band) out to collect their hits. } Instead, we would lead the ever-popular measurer of Pop Music: that } standby (American Top)4D. Yes, (American Top)4D. We know what you're } thinking, if our opponents still possessed KD(Jim Brady) in their hand, } that would be foolish. But we have that card up our sleeve. } Thus the (American Top)4D is the smartest and safest lead, since our } opponents will be shocked to see it collect the hit and may lead them } to sloppy play. We would stay away from (Elton John) QC, just on } general principles. } This is all well and good, but then, we could also be playing } Stickshe, in which case we would discard the 4D and draw one to the } straight flush, possible royal. } That is not, however, the game we are playing today. } } You owe the Oracle: 52 Bicycles + 2 Songs by the Steve Miller Band --- 779-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose brain is most certainly larger than that of any > iguanodon, who has never arrived at an incorrect illation, and who can > solve the most complicated imbroglio without breaking a sweat- please > help this simple indign supplicant. > > I have just been appointed the project manager for a large exhibit > development project at my place of employment/indentured > servitude/slavery. But in all of my exposure to other project manager, > all I have ever seen them do is waste time, gossip, and complain. So > please, oh infallible one, tell me what exactly is it that a project > manager is REALLY supposed to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Sit in your office. If you leave your office, you might really } find out what is going on. } 2) Use the phone lots. High phone bills are impressive. } 3) Demonstrate a fundamental lack of understand for the technology } involved. Tech is infradig and doesn't suit the image. } 4) Have looooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg } meetings. Maximise your exposure. } 5) Have BIG meetings. Lots and lots and lots of people. The bigger } the meeting, the smaller the percentage of people who can get their } say in. } 6) PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK! Lots and lots of it. Timesheets, } terms of reference, reports, memos, toilet paper, budgets, } project management software etc. etc. } 7) One day flight's to far away places. Good style. Then bitch that } you were too busy in meetings to even go to the beach. } 8) Work late. No, take that back. Stay late. Ignore your family. } 9) In the trio "Heat, light and steam" create little of the second, } lots of the rest. } 10) Obfusticate profusely. } 11) Start lining up the scape goats. We all know this isn't going to } work. } 12) Demonstrate surprising ignorance of the details. It shows you're } on top of the general plan. } 13) Talk to, not with people. } 14) Politics is everything, the exhibition is just the bread for the } jam. A mere placeholder. } 15) Build an empire. } 16) Carve your empire. } 17) Defend bitterly your empire. } } You owe the oracle a large dustbin to hold management books. --- 779-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since you have asked such a mind-boggling question, so sweeping in its } breadth and eloquence, I shall employ the very best of my divining } knowledge to assure you complete accuracy and precision in your answer. } If you would just indulge me for one moment... } } [The Oracle turns his back to you for a moment. During this time, you } hear the distinct sound of a container of liquid being shaken, then a } pause and then a pensive "Hmmmmm..." He then turns back to face you.] } } It would appear the reply is hazy. Perhaps you should ask again later. } } You owe the Oracle a magic pool cue to complete his set. --- 779-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is General Failure? Why is he reading my disk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene is a large auditorium, at which at the front there is a } raised stage. In the back of the stage, a huge flag with the Windows } logo is draped. Hundreds of troops mill about, talking to each other } nervously.] } } SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Troops, A-TEN-SHUN! } } [A large man in a military uniforms walks in on the stage. He's } wearing a round helmet with five stars on it, and carries a swagger } stick. His uniform is highly adorned with microchips and CD-ROMS.] } } GENERAL FAILURE: At ease, troops. You are all here for a reason. And } that reason is because you're the best. And we need the best. Because } we need you all for Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail." } } [A private in the front rows raises his hand.] } } GF: Go ahead, son. } } PRIVATE BUGG: Sir, what is the purpose of this mission? } } GF: Good question. We need to go deep into enemy territory, into } Sector 271, and scramble some data. This will consit of a diversionary } strike on the FAT while Bravo Battalion makes the main thrust. After } securing the sector, a artillary barrage of dust motes and hand magnets } should cause the damage needed to succeed at our mission. } } CORPORAL EYEARRQUE: Well, sir, what's so important in this sector? } } GF: The purpose of Operation "Abort, Retry, Fail." is simple: We are } to locate, and detroy, the enemy's COMMAND.EXE! Why? We're paving the } way for General Protection-Fault (my step-brother) to lead his forces } in installing a puppet governor, El Presidente Win95, in it's place. } The CPU will be under our complete control! Project "Gatesland" will } be a complete success! THERE WILL BE NO STOPPING US! } } [the crowd starts to cheer and chant. A large picture of a individual } wearing glasses and a REALLY bad haircut unfurls behind General } Failure. He's wearing a toga and lurel leaves.] } } [All of the sudden, red lights start to flash and klaxons start to } sound.] } } SPEAKER: Red alert! Red alert! All hands to battlestations! This is } for real! I repeat: this is not a Undocumented Feature! } } GENERAL FAILURE: What's happening Sergeant? } } SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Admiral Scott Norton is attacking! } } GENERAL FAILURE: Oh, the Fury(3) of it all! Activate the Backup plan! } } SERGEANT HEXADECIMAL: Um, sir... Backup wasn't implimented in this } version. We were going to put the patch out next week... } } GENERAL FAILURE: This could be a Pitfall in our plans.. } } [A tank bursts through the wall. It's schoolbus-yellow and has the } words "NORTON DISKDOCTOR" printed on the side of the tank.] } } ------------------------------------------------------------------ } You owe the Oracle the head of the programmer who designed "Hover". --- 779-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Elvis still alive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Elvis was cloned shortly before he died, and a sex change operation was } performed on the clone when it was very young, transforming it into } Lisa Marie, who has successfully passed for Elvis's "daughter" for } several years. We have proof of this, but we believe in letting } sleeping hound-dogs lie. --- 779-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who has sold more than fifteen hundred shirts, and glows in > the dark: > > How much fir could Joel Furr fir if Joel Furr could fir fir? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is so sick of this flaming of Mr. Furr. Besides having an } incredibly stupid name suggestive of thoughts only appropriate to } sophomoric humor, he is mostly harmless. } } Therefore, we bring you... } } SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT } } "Orrie, snookums, can we talk?" } } "Can it wait, Lisa? The game is coming on in a minute." } } "No it can't. We have to do something and do it soon." } } "Fine, go upstairs and warm up the vibrator and I'll be up in a } minute." } } "Not that. Now, put that remote control down and listen to me. I } can't stand living here another second." } } "Now what? It's the toilet seat again, isn't it?" } } "No, it's.... You didn't leave it up again did you?" } } "Well, not really..." } } "Oh, for crying out loud, what am I going to do with you?" } } "Leave me alone so I can watch the game?" } } "No, of course not, now listen. It's this stupid place. I can't stand } it anymore." } } "Gimme a break. You just remodeled the kitchen last winter." } } "That's just it. The kitchen looks fabulous, the new carpeting is } devine, and the slipcovers make the place look like a palace instead of } some crummy pigsty." } } "Lisa, you're talking about my temple!" } } "Temple, shmemple. Before I came it was no better than a dive where } you and your buddies drank beer, ate take-out Chinese, and played poker } all night long." } } "So, what's your point?" } } "My point is this: Orrie, Sweetie, the inside looks like a place fit } for an immortal being and the outside looks like a crummy building on } the Indiana University campus." } } "It is a building on the Indiana University campus." } } "But that doesn't mean it has to look like one. Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, } my little Kielbasa, you're too good for some sleazy marble ediface in } the middle of nowhere." } } "I'll have you know I'm an omniscient, omnipotent, all-powerful being, } whereas you're just a..." } } "I'm just 39-24-36 with creamy white skin, blonde hair, and a hardbody } and if you want any of it in the forseeable future, you will put that } remote down, turn off the TV and listen to me." } } "Oh, all right. What for the love of Newt do you want to do now?" } } "Oh, Orrie, don't take that tone of voice... Can't you picture it? We } do a little landscaping, a little brickwork, put in a gazebo, a } fountain, some aluminmum siding, some topiary in the shape of the nine } muses..." } } "ALUMINUM SIDING!" } } "Orrie, you're not listening. Now sit down here, next to me. That's a } good omniscient being. Now, look, picture, if you will.... all right; } that's not funny." } } "What?" } } "You know what. Pur your hand on your own side of the couch mister." } } "Oh, come on Lisa, I wasn't doing anything." } } "Right. And we can arrange it so you aren't doing anything for a good } long time, Mr. Blueballs." } } "Ok. Fine." } } "Now, as I was saying, can't you see it? We put aluminum siding on the } outside and you'll never have to paint this place again." } } "You don't paint marble." } } "That's what I just said. You don't paint it. Ever. Or plaster it. } Or anything it. It looks like some crummy...." } } "We've been through that. Get to the point" } } "The point is that I'm embarrassed to be seen outside this place. I } can't invite anyone over..." } } "AH HA!" } } "Ah who?" } } "AH HA! That's it. Your sister's coming to visit; isn't she?" } } "Well, not exactly..." } } "Lisa!" } } "Oh, all right, yes she is." } } "Is she bringing those stupid brats and that twit again." } } "Darrel is not a twit. He's a computer programmer." } } "Well excuuuu-uuuse me!" } } "He's a very good programmer and he owns his own software company and } he sold some of those programs to Microsoft and everything." } } "Now it comes out. All right. What did they do now." } } "I don't see why you have to take that tone." } } "You just got a letter from her. Out with it." } } "Oh, all right. Darrel just bought her a villa on the Mediterranean } and she's sending me videos and everything." } } "A villa on the...." } } "That's right. Make fun of me. I try. I really do. I know you're } important and all but, but, but,...." } } "Lisa, stop it. You know I can't stand it when you cry. Lisa. Lisa. } LISA!" } } "That's ok. That's ok. I'll be all right...it's just that...that... } she's always done this to me. Ever since we were kids." } } "Done what?" } } "Like when we went to the prom. My date came in a limousine." } } "Very nice." } } "Yeah, but hers rented the Concorde and flew her to Paris. Oh Orrie, I } don't ask for much." } } "Except for more foreplay" } } "Well you do have to admit you do go straight for the bullseye rather } fast." } } "You can't blame me. Not with those..." } } "No, I suppose I can't....Orrie! Stop that. Orrie. Orrie.... } Orrie.... Oh, Orrieeeeeeeeeee...... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.... Oh } dear, don't you think you ought to pull the shade." } } "Who cares?" } } "Well the neighbors might be watching." } } "Let them." } } "Now, Orrie, be nice." } } "I am being nice." } } "Well, yes you are, and, uh, oh, oh, OH! Sorry. That tickled." } } "I know you like it." } } "Yes, but I'd like it even better with aluminum siding." } } "What?" } } "Nothing............So, can I make the call?" } } "What call?" } } "To Olympus siding, Silly!" } } "Sure. Whatever. Hey, let's go upstairs." } } "Why not. I'll go warm up the vibrator. You go put the seat down." } } "Sure. See ya in a few..." } } [CURTAIN] --- 779-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle superior, teaser of bureaucrats, please tell me: > > Is there a galactic government? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, there is no individual Galactic Government. However, to avoid } upsetting those in power who insist on alliterating their governing } bodies, there is a Cosmic Committee, a Universal Union and a } superstring strike force. } } You owe the oracle an alltierative sentence longer than: } Tis time to tell the ten tall towering trees to tell the tallest tower } that tis time to throw the towel to the tallest throne, telling the } town that 'tis truly thirty three! --- 779-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Omniscient Oracle... > > What will the effects of the Time Warner-Turner merger be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's take a look at some upcoming events: } } - March 12, 1996: The Warner Brothers cartoon characters, separated } since Turner purchased many of the classics, reunite with a vengeance, } taking over upper management and key executive positions at the new } T-W-T megacorp. Nepotism runs rampant as old-time cartoon characters } use their influence to get jobs for their lesser-known cartoon friends } and relatives. } } - May 8th, 1996: T-W-T's announces that it plans to purchase the Disney } company; the Justice Department launches an investigation into T-W-T's } potential monopoly on cartoon characters. In a plea-bargain agreement, } T-W-T agrees not to purchase Disney if charges are dropped against } them. } } - June 17th, 1996: T-W-T begins production of the most expensive } full-length animated movie in history, code-named "Warners," scheduled } to be released in early 1997. } } - February 6th, 1997: T-W-T announces delays in the production of the } much anticipated movie, now renamed "Warners 97." } } - August 22nd, 1997: Way over budget and schedule, "Warners 97" is } finally released amid much fanfare and hoopla. Movie projectionists } across the country report problems fitting the reels onto existing } projectors. Riots break out in theaters as shows are canceled. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "FantasiAIX." --- 779-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most intelligent, whose GPA is greater than the highest couse > numbers, yea even those really hard ones: What classes should I take > in school this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are a few of my favorites: } } PHILOSOPHY } 21.775 Beliefs of the Ancient Geeks - 3 hrs MWF - Prof. Tuo } Certain people of antiquity were obviously hackers, including Lady } Lovelace and Charles Babbage. Other probable geeks include } Archimedes, James Watt, Michael Faraday, Rev. Dodgson, Melville Clark, } and Hiram Percy Maxim. What would they have accomplished if modern } computers had been available to them? } } MATHEMATICS } 18.954 Balanced Ternary - 2 hrs TT - Mr. Pobbo } We study the implications, mathematical, numerical, computational and } social, of the balanced ternary system, in which the digits are -1, 0 } and +1, represented by p, o and b, respectively. Little work has been } done in this notation, so the direction of the course is open to the } suggestions of the students. Negation by inversion will be } demonstrated. } } CHEMISTRY } 5.008 Things that go Boom - One session, NC - Prof. Plouff } (Prof. Plouff is new to the department, replacing the late Prof. Phew, } who passed away just before Fall Session.) Why do some chemistry } experiments have more violent results than others? This exciting } hands-on demonstration seeks the answer. Approval from next of kin } required. } } ENGLISH } 31.882PA The Pumpkin Man in Literature - FSS 3 hrs - Prof. Cobb } (This course has been cancelled.) } } You owe the Oracle tenure.