From oracle-request Fri Aug 25 00:10:47 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA24419; Fri, 25 Aug 1995 00:10:47 -0500 Date: Fri, 25 Aug 1995 00:10:47 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #767 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 767 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #767 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 25 Aug 1995 00:10:47 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 767 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 762 102 votes 8vss7 5dmCo jpojf 7nuwa bhvml 4kAwa otmj8 dlAlb cxxk4 jtpfe 762 3.0 mean 3.0 3.6 2.9 3.1 3.2 3.2 2.6 3.0 2.7 2.8 --- 767-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a schoolbus yellow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, supplicant, only male schoolbusses are yellow; it's a sort of } mating display. If you spy a yellow schoolbus at rest, look carefully } beneath its tail, and you'll easily be able to verify its gender. } } As a rule, there are many more male schoolbusses in a brood than } female, and so competition is very high come mating season. Only the } schoolbusses with the brightest plumage (usually yellow or orange, } often with black highlights) are able to attract a mate. } } Courtship rituals among the schoolbus are varied. The male attempts to } attract the female's attention with a number of maneuvers; coming to a } dead stop in the left lane, for example, or driving around and around a } rotary at two or three miles an hour. Being very nearsighted, they } often cannot tell when a prospective mate has decided against them and } left. } } Schoolbusses all share in the raising of the young, and in season, } you'll often see them picking up morsels, which the deliver and drop } off at the schoolbus nest (often know as a 'school', which is where } this colorful creature derives its name) This is to help the gravid } mother and helpless chicks, which take some time to reach maturity. } } Schoolbusses are, unlike many fauna, resistant to pollution and live } very well in and around human habitations. Like most wild creatures } though, they can be dangerous if mishandled, and the Oracle recommends } that you treat them with respect, and admire and photograph them from a } short distance. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Tory's Field Guide. --- 767-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Mighty, Thoughtful and Wise > Lend me your ear and open my eyes > I'm an amateur poet and a lawyer by day > Which causes me conflicts that just won't go away > I'm in the employ of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe > Who respectively have gout, halitosis and only one extended eyebrow > They're not only repulsive, they're unscrupulous and uncouth > I love my fat paycheck, but am I wasting my youth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O pitiful supplicant, small and unwise } I smack you in the ear as my stick pokes your eyes } Your question has prompted me to leave for the day } The more questions I answer, the more users I send away } Come back with worn puns like 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe' } And make me groan by rhyming it with 'extended eyebrow' } Their questions are technical, repetitive and uncouth } They make me wish for the Temple of my youth. } } The answer to your question is: } Anyone who would rhyme 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe' } By stretching for the phrase 'extended eyebrow' } Has a gift for poetry too great to be wasted } But I sense success will never be tasted } Your gift for rhyme is too advanced } You would only get panced } Stick with your day job. --- 767-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, hearty Oracle, please hear my tale > My teacher told me to eat a whale, > if I don't eat one I'll surely fail. > But snacking on baleen could land me in jail. > And to be honest, I'd rather eat quail. > Can you tell me how to prevail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you're in luck! } If the thought of whale makes you go "yuck," } just substitute a woodchuck. } Besides, it's much smaller than a truck. } If your teacher complains, I don't give a flying...*ZOT!* --- 767-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O unquestionably cool Oracle, whose knowledge reigns supreme, please > grant me the favor of answering my lowly question: > > If I found myself standing in front of the Gates of Hell, would I be > looking at Bill Gates? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, it's been so long since I've been to hell and back, I don't } really know who's doing gate duty now. } } Let's travel and find out, shall we? } } "Satan! You old son of a-! How've you been doing these past few } millenia?" } } "Business is booming, my old omnipotent friend. How's the Q&A track?" } } "Not bad, not bad, once Lisa and I got over that dreary woodchuck } period. Actually, it's a supplicant question that brings me here. } Supplicant wants to know if Bill Gates is pulling GD right now." } } "Well, now, I'm not sure. I passed that task on to my minions } centuries ago. Let me pull up the roster and check who's on gate } duty this week. You know, ever since I got this baby, } Hell is just a little bit less hellish. Ah, here we are, the gate } roster for the next 300 years. Right this minute, Pauly Shore's up } there, but tomorrow Leona Helmsley's got a shift, as well as Yahoo } Serious, David Duke, Ivana Trump (she's got a double shift with her } ex), Shannon Doherty. Next week, there's Jesse Helms, Gallagher, } Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich (he'll be shift captain) Nancy Kerrigan (you } know, she volunteered?) and Lorena Bobbit. } Nope, sorry, I don't see any Bill Gates here. I take it your } supplicant is a Mac user? Hey, gimme Bill's phone number, and I'll } give him a call. I'm sure it's just an oversight." } } Well, valued supplicant, there's your answer. Now you have something } to look forward to. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95 (that's 2095.) --- 767-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whimsical, wonderous, and wise, > Answer my question and open my eyes, > Tell me why is it that time after time > I find myself speaking like this (metered rhyme.) > My friends they all shun me. Why do they do this? > They say they can no longer take anacrusis! > And now my own mother (oh, it goes bad to worse) > Threw me out on the street for she's sick of my verse! > Oh Oracle, please! Help would be heaven sent. > Else I think I'll just end my life's long enjambment And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, dearest Supplicant, it's clearly no use } You've grown up on a diet of too much Dr. Seuss } Your meter belongs in a mall's parking lot } And your rhymes are most excellent - not! } Your verse is a flop so please stop and listen to mom } Before a *real* Critic nails you and you lose your aplomb --- 767-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! Great and wise Oracle, whose arms never fall off: > Now that you have made me official Biographer of the Oracle, I am > taking my duties very seriously. At the moment, I, your humble > Biographer, would like to know how I can contact Zeus and the other > Gods so that I may interview them about your life. Your help would be > appreciated. Thank you. > Algorithm, Bane of COBOL And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Al, I didn't say "official Biographer of the Oracle." I said, } "Oafish Al, buy a crapper for the Oracle." You don't need to contact } Zeus. Try Fred's Plumbing Supplies. } } You still owe the Oracle a crapper. And hurry. --- 767-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fiscal, most monetary and financially wise; whose gold Amex > is never overdrawn and whose books are always in the black - please > invest me with a response... > > Will we ever become a cashless society? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sense your pain and frustration, dear supplicant. This cruel } world thrives continually on avarice and materialism, in a seemingly } neverending cycle. It often seems that the honest and good are always } in the end victimized by the opportunistic and the greedy, and that } even the things we'd like to think of as free, given, or shared, are } actually priced, withheld, and pro-rated. I understand your desire for } a society free of this brutal exploitation - true wisdom transcends } usury and petty financial compensation. I do believe the time has come } for humanity to accept the true value of life and the necessity of } altruism, and forsake the bitter bondage of cash and currency. } } end of reply } * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } } Thank you for asking an excellent question! } } ITEM PRICE AMOUNT } } 260 vowels @$0.55/vowel $143.00 } 425 consonants @$0.35/cons $148.75 } } 1st time question } fee $25.00 $25.00 } } 45 min labor @$75/hr $56.25 } } question processing $20 $20.00 } } electron recycling fee $10 $10.00 } } -------SUBTOTAL $403.00 } } WISDOM TAX 6% $24.18 } } ---------TOTAL $427.18 } } Please make checks payable to the Oracle. } } Ask us about our volume question discount plan! --- 767-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who has not heard an original grovel in many > years and yet continues to answer our pitiful questions, please > answer mine as I lay in the dust at your feet and proclaim my > unworthiness to even touch your dandruff flakes, > > What is this constant beeping noise coming from my terminal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Data must travel long distance to get to and from your terminal, how } does that data actual move? Each data packet is transferred via a } TRansport Universal Channeling Kar (TRUCK). Needless to say, there are } quite many of these TRUCKs. Due to quantum uncertaintities and other } complicated things, the TRUCKS often reverse themselves, moving } backwards. That beeping sound you hear is the sound of one of these } TRUCKs backing up. } } You owe the Oracle a hearty belly laugh. --- 767-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most holy Oracle, please fill me in: > > Why are there some electrical outlets with two holes and some with > three holes but never any with four holes or one hole or five holes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The one-hole outlets are reserved for members of congress. } } Four hole outlets were banished by the Catholic Church in 1892, after } it was pointed out that Christ was crucified with four holes on the } cross. All such outlets were confiscated and are now stored in St. } Feazals Sweet Lady of Redemption Warehouse near the Vatican. The Pope } visits them yearly for inspiration. } } Five hole outlets do exist. A company called Lots'o'Holes Ltd, has } manufactured 6 million units per year since 1982. Unfortunately, they } are yet to sell their first, since face plates for these specialty } fixtures have never been available. Rene Banalillin, president of } Lots'o'Holes Ltd, plans expansion into the virgin six hole market. } Prototypes have been very popular with people who like holes, and their } supportive families. } } You owe Oracle Jasper Sailfin the second largest cumquat and a long, } scary ride on your hunchback. --- 767-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o wise oracle of the net, > > who was i in my previous life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's take a look at your soul's revision history: } } | SOUL ID: 8221-MKK91934-7812-J615-QMLG714 } | SOUL CREATION DATE: 6176324071.83416 (days since creation of Universe) } |INCARNATION VERSION: v71843.0 } | } |CHANGE LOG: } | } |DATE VERSION WHO CHANGE(S) } |---------- -------- ---- --------------------------------------------- } |12/04/0003 v1.0 God Created first version } | } |09/07/0024 v2.0 RD Reincarnated as v2.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } | after being trampled by elephant } | } |02/10/0041 v3.0 RD Reincarnated as v3.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } | after eating poisonous mushroom } | } |05/04/0083 v4.0 RD Reincarnated as v4.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } | after falling into volcano } } Hmm, this goes on in a similar vein for quite a while. } Let's skip to the end: } } |08/23/1995 71844 RD Reincarnated as v71844 by Reincarnation Daemon } | after being ZOTted for failure to grovel } } Well, that leaves me with only one choice: } } *ZOT!*