From oracle-request Mon Jun 5 15:05:07 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id PAA21920; Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0500 Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #742 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 742 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #742 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 742 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 737 78 votes 59xp6 afvh5 7ddqj 7hqdf ekhfc 2osf9 jmjc6 2czo5 glra4 dpjd8 737 3.0 mean 3.2 2.9 3.5 3.2 2.9 3.1 2.5 3.2 2.6 2.7 --- 742-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh groovy Oracle, who are so wise in the ways of science, who some > call "Tim", please answer this outstanding average question: > > This is a little embarassing, but my wife and I are having problems... > er, you know... doing the... um, well, you know... doing IT (the big > IT)... well, you know... sex. Everything is fine between us, and there > are no medical problems, and everything and everyone are functioning > according to specifications. > > It's our cats. They just sit there and stare at us while we're... ah, > you know... "exercising". Sometimes they even jump up on the bed and > just lay down and watch. It's more than either of us can stand. > > We've tried locking them out of the bedroom, but they just scratch at > the door and meow real loud, which also ruins it. And we can't get rid > of the cats... their like our children. > > What should we do??? > > (Oh, and my wife wants to hear Lisa's input on this as well, if > possible) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, that grovel was average and I am NOT referred to as Tim. I am } occassionally called Orrie, but only by my closest friends, one of } which you are not. } } Anyway, about your question. I honestly believe your question belongs } in alt.sex.bestiality. There are pleanty of Zoophiles there that are } very experienced with such matters. Since you didn't tell me the sex } of your cats, it's is difficult to give you the proper solution, but } you really have plenty. } } 1) Have them join in. That soft, warm kitty fur can be } stimulating. Not to mention the tickling factors of their tails. } } 2) Get your cat some partners and watch them engage in their } personal business so they know what it feel like. } } 3) Get a dog. The dog can chase the cats while you and your } wife play. } } 4) Go to a hotel. Sure, it can be expensive, but the privacy is } worth it. } } 5) Run the shower or flush the toilet a lot to keep out their } caterwailing. } } 6) Put the cats outside or in the garage. } } As far as Lisa's opinion's, I am offended that your wife would be } interested in the thoughts of mortal being. I AM OMNIPOTENT, Lisa is } simply the object of my concupiscence and does not answer questions } (unless of course she tells me she is going to). } } You owe me a National Geographic Video. --- 742-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me: Is the job I'm interviewing for > on Monday the right job for me? It's my second interview for the job. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can assure you that this is indeed the right job for you. Being the } reigning monarch of the United Kingdom (and Lord of the Isle of Man) } may sound like a daunting responsibility, but I have every confidence } that you can do the job. Moreover, the pay is good, they have an } excellent dental plan, and there is no position you can hold that has } better job security. } } However, bear in mind that you are by no means assured of getting the } job. Rumors of nepotism abound, and a lot of people are saying that } when the position becomes open, the boss's son is a shoo-in for it. So, } while I don't mean to put a lot of pressure on you, that second } interview had better be pretty darn impressive. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime peerage. --- 742-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise Oracle, whose words are 256-bits long, whose interrupts > never happen at innoportune moments, and who can write C++ code using > exceptions and templates and get it right the first time, will you > please grant me an answer to this simple question? > > Stanford... or Silicon Graphics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sheesh. Look -- if you eighth-century Anglo-Saxons can't figure out } what to name your villages, you should stop founding them. } } *Sigh*. Okay, let's look at your situation. At your proposed site, } you've got a nice shallow place for cattle to cross the river, and an } old Roman mile-stone with a few carved letters still visible on it. } Now, given the importance of the first feature, the most sensible name } would be "Oxford", but that's already taken. So the two options you've } come up with are: } } 1) Name the village after both the stone and the ford, and call it } "Stanford", or } } 2) Name it after just the carved stone, and call it "Silicon } Graphics". } } Of these, the former is by far the better choice. "Stanford" is a good, } solid, Anglo-Saxon compound word, and is even kind of catchy. "Silicon } Graphics", on the other hand, is a full five syllables, is not } particularly euphonious, and consists of one word in Latin (which no } one in Britain except a few monks can understand) and one word in Greek } (which no one at all in Britain will be able to understand until the } Renaissance, which isn't for another eight hundred years). Stick with } "Stanford". } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of _Bridge Over the River Cam_. --- 742-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CSF The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose biceps are so powerful they could make the Earth > run in reverse, > What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. "Exit 27A/4th-5th Sts./1 Mile" } } 2. "Rest Area/Next Right/Next Rest Area 47 Miles" } } 3. "Food-Gas-Lodging-Diesel/Next Right" } } 4. "Speed Limit 65/Trucks Trailers 60" } } 5. "Downtown/Convention Center/Next 2 Exits" } } 6. "McDonald's/Playland/Buses, RV's Welcome/Exit 30, 3 Miles" } } 7. "Holiday Inn/Pool/Cable/HBO/ESPN/11 Miles" } } Arrrrrgh! That's the wrong database! I have the Interstate Highway } System loaded into my Seven Signs Of... program. I really need to get } these disks labeled. Let's see what this one is... } } 1. One finger: Fastball } } 2. Two fingers: Curve } } That's wrong too...that's the Baseball database! Listen, it's going to } take me a while to get this straightened out...would you mind asking } again tomorrow? } } You owe the Oracle some disk labels. --- 742-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Joe Lanklin, an 8th-level trogdolyte programmer/sysadmin, sighs wearily } in the dark underground of the basement as he slouches back down before } his terminal. } } He has been struggling alone for days now, in volutary isolation from } friends and family. Joe thought that his great project would be easy, } but things have been going so very, very wrong. } } You see, Joe is trying to install an experimental compiler for a new } dynamic language, one which was prophesied to alleviate the many great } problems facing his people--memory leaks, incomprehensible syntax, } poorly-defined grammers, long recompilations, and other such plagues. } } Unfortunately for Joe, he has just recently discovered that the path to } enlightenment is not so easy, not by a long shot. The runtime libraries } are buggy, and it will take many long, involved incantations before the } shinning creation is available to relieve the suffering of his people. } } Joe taps a revised function prototype into the listener, and presses } ENTER. } } You owe the Oracle a cola machine which accepts rumpled dollar bills. --- 742-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, unscrambler of scrambles, unpuzzler of puzzles, > unconfuser of confusions, and corrector of supplicant's bad grammar > (when you see fit), please answer me this: > > Two wrongs don't make a right, yet three rights make a left, three > lefts make a right, and four of either make a circle. How many, for > example, lefts make a wrong? Please 'unconfuse' this for me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The story is told of the Catholic priest who was in the habit of } removing a couple of pieces of his jewelry before Mass. One of the } acolytes noticed this one day and asked him about it. "Two rings } don't make a rite," he said. } } That said, it looks like what you need is the Canonical Table of Lefts, } Rights, and Wrongs. } } ======================================================================== } ... MAKE A ... COMMENTS } ======================================================================== } 2 lefts make a U-Turn Except where "NO U TURN" is posted. } 1 right and 1 left make a left Valid at rural New Jersey } intersections only } 3 rights make a left } 3 lefts make a right } 4 wrongs make machine answer phone 2 when set to "toll saver" } 4 rights make a square Not 4 lefts; there is no such thing } as a "left angle" } 10 rights make a Bill Of } 2 rights make an early airplane } 46 lefts and 54 rights make the } United States Senate } 1 wrong makes an 800 Under new SAT scoring system } 15 right makes $30 Weekly office football pool pays } bonus for picking all 15 } winners; Oracle is ineligible, } darn it } 12 wrongs make a ladder Don't stand on either of top 2 } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle some better puns. As you can see, the Oracle needs } them. --- 742-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me > > why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... this will take a little research. } } One glass of water consumed. } Condition: I'm not particularly thirsty now. I feel a bit } refreshed in fact. } } 10 glasses of water consumed. } Condition: I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal, } no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon. } Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws. I'm not the } least bit thirsty, or hungry. } } 50 glasses of water consumed. } Condition: Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank } you. That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now. A mortal } could not stand it. Anyway, I think it's time to move on to } the next step. } } *ZOT* } } Excess water ZOTted from stomach. } Result: I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll } continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments } to experience beer in it's proper setting. } } One glass of beer consumed. } Result: The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but } I've tasted worse. Again, I feel a bit refreshed. } } 10 glassis of beer consumed. } Resutl: theres that feeling again. Well, no, this is diffretn. } I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places, } if I were a mortal of course. Which I'm not. Did I menshion } that I could do with a snack? I think i'l just antiZOT some } pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label! Lisa? Whoops. } I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be } getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal. } } 50 glkas fberr consmedu. } Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the } orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac } of pziza hooateit. whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd. } likamonyah. heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont } be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate. } IM' worknig. gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit. } imtheorcl. *ZOOT* YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(# damnigottaaim } beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT* } NO CARRIER --- 742-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most virulent, > > Please tell this desperate virologist what is the true host of > Ebola? It can't be humans or monkeys, since it kills these hosts > too quickly for a population to be maintained. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III } Oracular Supplications Processing } } To: Marilyn Gillette } Head, Computing Services } } Hi Marilyn - how's the kick boxing going? } } We've just received a warning about a so-called "Ebola virus". Do you } know anything about it? It's another hoax like the Good Times virus, } right? } } Gaylord } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: Marilyn Gillette } } To: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III } } It is well known that the Internet is crawling with hackers and } viruses. As one of the main sources of exposure on this campus, I feel } it is highly inappropri.te for your group to adopt such a complacent } attitude. Please treat this viru. as a serious potential thr..t and } inform me of what steps you plan to take to avoid possible inf.ction. } } Marilyn } } a s e ea } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III } } To: Marilyn Gillette } } Aw, c'mon M..ilyn! You kno. the "h.ckers and viruses" bit is a.l scare } stories wh.pped up by the sensation.list end of the m.dia. You .lso } know perf.ctly well that we've never had a vir.. c.me in via the } Oracul.r comp..ers. Our precautio.s are more than adequa... } } Gaylord } } ut a t } ee iar n w a us o te e la a } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } Fr.m: Maril.n .illette } } To: F. Gay.ord Wallbang.. I.I } } Cc: Th. Usenet Or.cle } } Th.s is not an acce.table re.pons.. Your firewalls .re to all inte.ts } and pu.poses non.xistent. N.w find out wh.t this Eb.la vi.us is an. } tak. any ..cessary steps to comb.. it. } } Mar.lyn } } u } i e p a e } neoi e yl G a oter sI e a o a r d n } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIV.RSITY OF I.DIANA INTER.AIL } } Fro.: The Us.net Or.cle } } To: .a.ilyn Gill..te } } Hi Mar.lyn - how's the ..ck boxin. go.ng? } } Ga.lord shoul. ha.. cc'ed me in on this co.responden.. fr.m the star., } as I cou.d easil. have prev.nted thi. confusion. .bola is a bio-virus } wh.ch sporadi.ally br..ks out in C.ntral Afric.. Lethal to hum.ns, but } no. .xac.ly pr.valent o. the Net. } } I sup..se this situat..n could ch.nge in the futur. as its pr.ncipal } cyberhost .s Windows95, but we.re no. likel. to be s.eing that anywhe.. } aroun. here i. the *near* fut.re, ar. we? Ha ha h.. } } Orrie } } do e a } pi c i ny en kn s e E e i } e ymtlM r e ed eavat io Ei eu' g Nti a ry M ae ce ao i ttre } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNIVERS... O. INDIA.. INTER.A.L } } .rom: Mar..yn Gi...tte } } T.: .he Us.net Ora.l. } } Yo. idiot! Don.. y.u read .ur m.nthly b.llet.ns? Co.putin. S..vices has } b.en a beta test site f.r Windo.s95 f.r the pas. 3 m.nth.! } } D. you re.lise I .m go.ng to hav. t. close do.n an. sanitize t.e entir. } c.mpuswide n..work? Yo. can bet y..r omniscien. booties t.at th. dean } wi.l hear .f this! I s..gest you .tart loo.ing f.. a new home. } } Ma.ilyn } } a } o ug u } er a et ao i s we k u r t h } Fou oT ile't lle c eo oITY oFouo o NA oiwtM Idmo sg erhe el } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UN.VERS..Y .F IND..NA IN.ERMA.L } } .rom. Th. .s.net .racl. } } .o: Mari..n G.lle..e } .. Ga.lor. Wa..bang.r .I. } } Um, I'm n.t q.ite sur. how to br.ng th.s up, y.u two. I .m, .s you } kno., im.ortal, but, well, hav. .ither .f .ou made .ut y..r will yet? } } In d..pest sy.path., O.rie } } r } T e ly m d ll e I I } F m :eF eoUyeu i OytteI eeeIT O io yIAi Too Iou a a w } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a version of Dr Solomon's that combats Ebola virus, } or a suitable site at your university on which to build a new Oracular } temple. You choose. --- 742-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DId George Lucas REALLY send me E-mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, those are E-woks. --- 742-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most powerful oracle! Please take the time out of your busy > schedule to answer my humble question: > > How do I manage to pop all the kernels so that I stop ending up with so > much flopcorn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Fiber-challenged Supplicant: } } There are several ways to increase the yield of fully popped kernels or } to raise the coefficient of corn conversion. For discussion purposes I } will assume that you refer to microwave popcorn since it is the easiest } method of preparation. You obviously did not even try to use the } highly effective air popped or the shake a pan on the stove methods } since that would be WAY TOO MUCH WORK AND WHAT ARE THESE SUPPLICANTS } COMING TO, THE LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING... } } but I digress - to avoid unpopped corn: } } 1. set the microwave for 60 minutes on high. } } 2. recook the bag twenty times. } } 3. place aluminum foil under the bag. } } 4. take the contents of the bag and spread them on the floor of the } microwave then see number one above. } } 5. take the bag to the nearest nuclear power plant and submerge it } into the coolant pool; withdraw all the control rods. } } And finally the most effective way: } } 6. hold the bag close to your heart and ask me one of those stupid } woodchuck questions. } } You owe the Oracle a large tub, buttered.