From oracle-request Thu May 25 08:36:31 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA15375; Thu, 25 May 1995 08:36:31 -0500 Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 08:36:31 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #737 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 737 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #737 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 08:36:31 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 737 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 732 89 votes 9lAg7 dtqf6 0lyr7 9klpe 7frua 4dssg 3gzpa 8mrq6 7lmmh 3cmxj 732 3.2 mean 2.9 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.3 3.0 3.2 3.6 --- 737-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, please, Uncle Orrie, won't you tell me just one more story before > I have to go to sleep? Please oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeezzzee? > Will you tell me the one about the Serendipitous Happenstance and the > Great Can of Spam(tm)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: "Well, okay, just one more. But this is the last one. } Once upon a time there lived three little bears-- } } Supplicant: "No, not the Three Little Bears! I want to hear the story } about the Serendipitous Happenstance and the Great Can of Spam(tm)!" } } Oracle: "Oh, right. Sorry. } A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away-- } } Supplicant: "Hey, no fair! That's Star Wars!" } } Oracle: "Whoops, my mistake. One more try: } Call me Ishmael.... } } Supplicant: "NOOOOO! Not that stupid whale story! I want the story } about the Seren--" } } Oracle [shouting]: "--dipitous Happenstance and the Great Can of } Spam(tm), YES, I KNOW!" } } Supplicant: "What's the matter? Don't you know the story? I thought you } knew everything, Uncle Orrie?" } } Oracle: "Of COURSE I know everything. It's just that sometimes I have a } hard time keeping it all sorted out. Let me see now...[pause]...The } Serendipitous Happenstance...[scratches head]...and the Great } Can...[pause]...of Spam(tm)...[long pause]...uh, did you mean the } original version or the modern, revised version?" } } Supplicant: "The original version." } } Oracle: "Er, is that the original version as it was first published as } a series in Oracular Bedtime Stories (volumes 2982317 through 3670913), } or the original version published as a book?" } } Supplicant: "Um...the original version published as a book." } } Oracle: "But did you mean the original COMPLETE version published as a } book, or the original ABRIDGED version published as a book?" } } Supplicant: (*Yawn*) "Uh...the original complete version published as a } book." } } Oracle: "Okay, but is that the original complete version published as a } HARDCOVER book, or the original complete version published as a } SOFTCOVER book?" } } Supplicant: "Zzzzzzzz..." } } You owe the Oracle a glass of milk. --- 737-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the question if the answer is 42. No silly comments please! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The audacity of some petitioners amazes me! There you go, asking } difficult questions, but you don't even take the time to grovel. Hmph, } I've a good mind not to answer you. (Aside, to invisible, but } inevitable sidekick; "What? You've just made coffee? Mmm, ok.") OK, } lucky for you, I've been pacified. } } Ah, now this question that has baffled philosphers through the ages. } Let's see how some of them addressed the problem, shall we? } } Plato: } What is the way to reach the greater good? } } Karl Marx: } The number 42 is an historical inevitability. There is no question. } } Machiavelli: } The question must not be discussed, so that those who know the } question will be viewd with admiration, as only they have the daring } and courage to boldly multiply. Those knowledgeable ones must also } be viewed with fear, for whom among you has the strength to contend } with such a paragon of formulatic virtue? In such a manner is the } princely mathmatician's dominion maintained. } } Jean-Paul Sartre: } What number will cause people to act in good faith and be true to } themselves? } } Albert Einstein: } How you reach 42 depends upon your frame of reference. } } Buddha: } If you ask this question, you deny your own 42-ness. } } Salvador Dali: } The Dog? } } Darwin: } What is the logical next step after coming down from the trees? } } Emily Dickinson: } What could not stop for death? } } Epicurus: } What is the definition of fun? } } David Hume: } What arises out of custom and habit? } } Pyrrho the Skeptic: } What number? } } The Sphinx: } I'm not telling. } } Mark Twain: } The news of this number has been greatly exaggerated. } } Douglas Adams: } What is 6x7? } } You owe the oracle another year of grad school in the art of applied } metamathmatics. --- 737-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where could I get one of those 5000 ton weights that tends to drop on > Looney Toons' heads? Is there a company that will install them in the > sky and drop them for you? Do they take checks? I really need to > know, my sister-in-law is coming to my house in less than a week! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anvils are made exclusively in the tiny European Principality of } Anvillania. Anvillania (pop 3,400) is ruled by the much feared } Triumverate of The Warners Three. Yakko is King. Wakko is the minister } at arms. Dot's just cute! The official theme song of Anvillania is "Let } the Anvil's Ring" . } } LET THE ANVILS RING } (M: Richard Stone (Includes arrangements of traditional music } and P. D. music by Richard Sanderson); L: Peter Hastings) } } "Let us introduce ourselves, O people of this land } We are the Warner Brothers } With sister close at hand } I bet you all are wondering, who is this young unknown? } And why am I inheriting the Anvilanian throne? } Yes, why? } Yes, why? } Oh, please, please tell us why } } The bottom of the family tree starts with Yakko, that is me } I'm the cousin to the sister of the son's niece's brother } Of the uncle's daughter's father of the nephew's sister's mother } And my grandpa's only cousin was the king's daugh-ter's sib-ling } But they're all gone, and that is why I am now your king! } } He is now our king! } Yes! I am now your king! Repeat what I just said! } Repeat what I just said! } And let the anvils ring! } } Old King Yakko's mania was for Anvilania } So good citizens I pledge to you I'll do the best that I can do } For honor, country, and the king, let the anvils ring! } Let the anvils ring!" } } Anvils are the only major industry. The state food is sitting in the } fridge. The state bird has been censored and the state motto is "Hello } Nurse!" } } The Anivillanian FDA POLO (Federal Department of Anvils, Pianos and } Other Large Objects) has adopted the following guidelines on Anvil use. } } 1) Non-comic use of anvils is stricly prohibited in accordance with the } Geneva conventions (24-63g) } 2) Victims must be given proper notice before having anvils dropped on } them - that they may a) look up b) look to the camera c) utter some } comment of impending doom. } 3) The victim must be allowed to raise the anvil that has dropped on } his head long enough to say something inappropriately witty. This is a } good time for a second anvil gag. } 4) The dropping of anvils on women and children is strictly prohibited, } in accordance with the Warner Conventions (6-78y) } 5) Why for you drop big black anvil on my head? } } As of 1959, Anvillania is working under an exclusive shipping and } distribution agreement with the ACME Corporation. ACME has been a } leader in gadgetry since the early fifties, when their "Micro-magnet" } sold 120,000 units and made ACME the most profitable cartoon } conglomerate in the United States. For a current catalog, send $4.00 to } } ACME Catalog } P.O. Box 666 } Death Valley, Calif } 90210 } } or, for an illustrated web catalog, visit } http://www.acme.com/gadgets/anvils } } (Allow 4 days for delivery - and look out ... here it comes!) } } Some notices apply: } 1) There have been several recalls concerning ACME products in the last } 20 years. The speed control on the ACME Rocket Skates does not function } properly. Deaths have occured as the result of slamming into the sides } of mountains. The recoil on the ACME Super Springs is not properly } calibrated. Deaths have occured as the result of slamming into the } sides of mountains. Materials used in the making of the ACME Human } Slingshot have proven to be defective. Detahs have occured as the } result of slamming into the sides of mountains. The motor on the ACME } Bat-Coptor has fuel blockage problems. Deaths have occured as the } result of severe falls. The markings on the ACME Catapult have not been } properly calibrated. Deaths have occured as the result of falling } boulders. The ACME Pest Control Robot has flipped its wig. Run for } cover!!!!! } 2) ACME will not be held responsible for any loss of wages, limbs or } lives resulting from the use or misuse of ACME products. } 3) All products come with a 3 day guarantee. Simply return the gadget, } in its original box, to the adress listed above for a total refund. } 4) So if you want to be a cartoon villain bring your Visa Card, 'cause } at ACME Gadgets, they won't take your complaints, and they won't take } American Express. } } You owe the Oracle an ACME super mini-magnet. --- 737-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, who never needs cleaning, who can go 100,000 miles > without changing spark plugs, and who never gets ingrown toenails, > please favor me with a response to my humble question: > > I saw a woman from Greenpeace in the mall last week, who said that we > should stop clubbing baby seals. Does this mean I should switch to a > fixed bayonet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, because proper use of a bayonet also includes using the rifle } butt as a club, so the bayonet is no more humane. Lob a couple of } hand grenades at them instead. That should do the trick. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of sealskin gloves. --- 737-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are more numerous; the living or the dead ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The dead, of course--they just keep piling up. } } *ZOT!* --- 737-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who, what, where, when, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who? } Why, Colonel Mustard, of course! } } What? } Well, the only sure answer is the lead pipe. It doesn't take an } omniscient being to figure that out. } } Where? } Since Mrs. Plum was in the Kitchen, it must have been in the Drawing } Room. } } When? } The half-empty snifter on the mantle indicates highly that it was after } supper. } } Why? } I haven't a Clue! } } You owe the Oracle a mint copy of Parker Brothers' Risk!, with the } *wooden* pieces. --- 737-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who can tell the year of a wine with just one sniff, > > Why is the Earth round? Why not square or donut shaped? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, that's easy: because...[drool]...ahhhhhh, doughnuts...[drool]... --- 737-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, > I have a most troubling question.... > Why do we start sentences which we seek an answer to with the word > "WHY"? I mean surely there are other more interesting combinations of 3 > letters than "WHY" ... a few spring to mind... :) > > WHY WHY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed, there are other three-letter combinations--but the Greater God } Grammar has decreed that the three letters W, H and Y are the only ones } permitted. So let's take a look at a few possible combinations and why } they don't work... } } HWY: People think you're asking for the highway. Before you know it, } you're in California via Route 66. } } WYH: Since you're running around screaming "WHEE!" all the time, people } assume that you're having fun and shouldn't be bothered, or that you're } a loony. } } YHW: Sounds too much like "yahoo!" Some dude with a righteous German } accent and lots of bombs will come along and bitch about American } cowboys. You'll throw him off a building and go on to make two } extremely successful sequels. } } YWH: Might get you in trouble with a certain popular god. } } When you narrow it down enough, you see that the only combination that } doesn't step on anybody's toes is WHY. So they used it. } } You owe the Oracle a performance of the Mickey Mouse Club closing theme } song--on helium. --- 737-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is that guy that rings up Triple J every Wednesday evening just > before 6pm and tells a really funny lightbulb joke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: A prison phone room, rows of tables and chairs, each table with } a simple black desk telephone. Several prison inmates sit, making } telephone calls. Guards observe silently, but diligently. The clock on } the wall reads 5:53 pm. } } Camera zooms behind one inmate, small beads of sweat on the back of his } neck, dialing on his telephone. } } [phone] ring...ring...ring...-click- "Hello, Triple-J, may I help you?" } } [inmate] "Uh, yeah, uh, how about this one: How many trial jurors does } it take to screw in a lightbulb?" } } [phone] "Hey, who is this?" } } Just then, one of the guards approaches the inmate from behind. } } [guard] "Okay, Mr. Simpson, your time's up." } } -click- } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Court TV. --- 737-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnicient Oracle, master of the land, sky and sea, > why can't you tuna fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Charlie, but the premise of your question is wrong. Ask any } mermaid you happen to see. } } I can tuna fish. In pure spring water, no less.