From oracle-request Tue May 23 10:25:18 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id KAA23662; Tue, 23 May 1995 10:25:18 -0500 Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:25:18 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #736 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 736 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #736 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:25:18 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 736 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 731 93 votes egjok eBtc1 9wxg3 5gqug aemzc hfjoi djlqe 59gnE eqmm9 8eutc 731 3.1 mean 3.2 2.5 2.7 3.4 3.3 3.1 3.1 3.9 2.8 3.2 --- 736-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, kindly and warm-hearted, please > tell us all how it came to pass that you met the lovely Lisa? > Perhaps then those of the supplicants who drool at the thought > of her loveliness can find significant others of > their own. > > Note that I ask this question on behalf of all the > unattached supplicants of the world, having already > saddled myself with my own personal ball and chain. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I won him in a poker game. } -Lisa --- 736-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great but slow Oracle, I can send you questions > faster than you can answer them! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alex Trebeck: No, supplicant, that's incorrect. How much did you } wager in Final Jeopardy? Oh, no. You've lost both of your } dollars! Remember the category is "False claims". The answer } is: "Oracle gets these". Oracle, what is your response? } } Oracle: "What is, 'Oh great but slow Oracle, I can send you } questions faster than you can answer them!'?" } } Alex: That is the correct response. You see supplicant, you } forgot to phrase your response in the form of a question. Let's } see how much the Oracle wagered. Oh, my, he risked it all. And } a wise wager it was, too, since he responded correctly. That } makes your winnings today $392,103,392 [applause] and your total } for the 739 days you have been Jeopardy champion is now } $123,429,345,129. } } [wild applause, roll credits, cue theme song] } } Alex [almost inaudible over music]: So tell me, Oracle, do you } *really* get false claims like that? } } Oracle: [inaudible] } } Announcer: Our losing contestants receive the home version of } Jeopardy, and a year's supply of Spam. --- 736-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@inetnebr.com (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle for whom I do not have enough capitalization in my O's, > I have already asked you this question, but you know how much > less intelligent than you I am, and I did not understand your answer, > so O Must Wise And Thoughtfull Oracle I ask once again : > > Why is it that cats move their tail when they're nervous, whereas > dogs move theirs when they're happy ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all started a long, long time ago. In the beginning, neither dogs } nor cats moved their tails at all to express emotion. Even now, it is } still not to express emotion, but for quite different reasons. } } Cats were always very taciturn creatures, solitary hunters. Dogs were } very playful, social creatures, and most of them were significantly } larger than cats. In the days of Eden, they lived mostly seperate } lives. But one day, a dog met a cat, and the course of history was } changed forever. } } A dog was walking along jauntily along through a grassy clearing, } contentedly drooling, ears aflap. Then, suddenly, he sees and smells } something it had never seen before. A large mound of fur, its topmost } point pinnacled by two triangular-shaped EARS... yes, ears, it would } call them! with a long, dark, thick, lush TAIL, stretched out in a } straight line behind it, was sitting smack-dab directly in the center } of the field! } } CAT, thought the dog, grinning happily as he added three new words to } his vocabulary. CAT. Then it trotted forward to investigate. } } The cat did not even notice. (It should be added that cats were a lot } less cautious in those days, which is also why its tail was stretched } out fully behind it, instead of curled safely around its own body.) } } Maybe it would like to play with me? mused the dog, lowering his head } to take a better whiff of the creature. CAT. CAT. } } CAT. The dog sniffed carefully. Strange smell! URINE, thought the dog, } drooling inadvertantly onto the cat's fur. The cat still did not notice } the dog, sitting there motionlessly. } } The dog lowered his head still lower. TAIL, he grinned. PLAY. PULL, he } thought happily, gently closing his jaws around the long, furry, soft } length. } } The cat hissed wildly and let out an ear-splitting } REEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!! jumping up and tearing off to a spot halfway } across the field, where it soon regained is composure and began washing } itself. } } The dog lifted up his head, mystified. What happened? He hoped he } didn't hurt the CAT. CAT, repeated the dog proudly, pleased that he had } made up a new word today. } } Maybe the CAT was playing too? wondered the dog. Was it a new game? He } wasn't sure if he liked this game very much, but if it *was* a game, } and since for him, any game was a good game, he decided he liked it. } The thought of a new game excited the dog tremendously, and he started } off toward the cat again, who was once again faced away from him, } licking its paw. } } The dog stopped about a foot away from the cat, whose tail once again } was stretched out behind it. But this time, noticed the particularly } smart and observant dog, its tail was twitching. } } Oh boy! marveled the dog. He loved challenges. He decided to try it } too. Wheeee!!!! thought the dog happily, as he felt the wind rush } through the fur of his tail. What fun! He never tried *that* before. } Cats are pretty smart, decided the dog. } } TAIL. PLAY. PULL, thought the dog, darting several times and missing, } until he finally managed to pull the tail once more. This time, the cat } hissed bloody murder, meowing passionately and it tore off through the } Garden, never to return to this spot. } } CAT. GONE, though the dog morosely, looking around hopefully in case it } was hiding. He sniffed for the strange smell. Gone. He was crestfallen. } Had he played wrong? } } No, he had not played wrong, thought the dog, brightening. Maybe that } was supposed to be the game. Two turns, and then the cat runs away? He } WAGged his tail again optimistically. WAG, thought the dog happily. } Maybe he was supposed to find another cat? He wagged his tail again } cheerfully. Yes! } } And he did find another cat. And another. And another, until it was } finally imprinted in the genes of cats to move their tails when they } were nervous, for all their nervousness burns down to is, } subconsciously, that, when they are least expecting it, a dog *will* } bite their tail. } } And dogs, they do not wag their tails because they are happy. They are } happy because they wag their tail, and this very happiness has been } imprinted in the genes of dogs, to be passed on forever from one } generation to the next. } } Eventually, cats wisened up and realized they could be more aware of } their surroundings, and later on, they found out they had claws and } made use of them, which the dogs thought was a dirty trick. *They* } thought it was all in good fun. But soon, they began to tease cats just } to be annoying, once the cats started their clawing, and their } tail-wagging took on an extra use as well, so they could avoid better } the nasty tail swipes the cats would make. (Dogs still thoroughly enjoy } this 'game,' as illustrated by their wagging.) } } And so began the eternal Dog and Cat feud. } } You owe the Oracle a can of flea powder. --- 736-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most humble and excellent Usenet (WWW, Mosaic, etc...) Oracle, who > has no sex but all the time 'gets some', who never needs windshield > fluid refills, who can drink 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes (a fine > Guiness or even a Schlitz (ecchh!!)), who knows the chicks from NBC's > _Friends_ (wink wink, nudge, nudge), who doesn't need bifocals, > medicare supplements, Immodium A.D., or those adult diapers, who has > the brilliant knowledge of a baker's dozen, who can calculate pi to > 3.1428571 billion places,...need I go on?? o.k....who can figure out > the rest of the grovel I intended to say, but the dog has upended the > trash can again, here is my query... > > where can I get some .gif of your lady friend Lisa??? > > she sounds like quite a wonderful babe!!! > > your most humble, and running out of time on my student loan > deferrments, supplicant... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know if there are any .gif files of Lisa and me running around, } but there are some full-action (if you get my drift) .mov Quick (and } we do mean quick) Time files of Lisa and myself performing random } erotic and/or unspeakable acts with some wood... } } "ORRIE!!!!! I can't believe you're divulging our personal bedroom } secrets to this guy! How could you?????" } } Well, uh, um...he just asked if there were any .gif files of you on } the internet and I, um, I.. } } "No, I mean how could you give information away this close to our } 'Bedroom Success through Creativity infomercial?" } } OOOOOOOHHHHHH....OK, excuse me for a second... } } Supplicant, there are NO .gif files of Lisa to be found anywhere. } However, if you watch "Bedroom Success through Creativity starring } T. U. Oracle and Lisa" you will see a telephone number to call } to get a video that will feature Lisa for only $19.95. Plus, if } you act right away, we'll throw in a free membership in ABPE*A, } or alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.* Anonymous. } } You owe the Oracle the head of the host of "Amazing Discoveries," } notes from each of his parents with the words "plastic wrap is not } a condom, and should not be used as such" written 1000000 times, and } a newsfeed that carries the alt.binaries.pictures.erotica hierarchy. --- 736-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is water green and Santa Claus a liar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I knew we'd be having this little talk sooner or later, Virginia. The } answer to your question is: because you're growing up. Blue water } and Santa Claus are going the way of other childhood illusions, such } as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the robothood of Tom Servo and } Crow, and that you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by the } color of their hats. This is the downside of growing up. } The upside of growing up is that you get a whole new set of adult } illusions to replace your childhood illusions, such as working hard } will lead to success, having lots of money will make me happy and } a worthwhile person, my current love relationship will solve all my } problems, the media reports the truth, my kids are always wrong and I'm } always right, I can trust the political leaders I happen to agree with, } the religion I was raised with is the right one that will really get } me to heaven, the world was completely safe and life was simple when } I was a kid (unlike today, when it's going to hell in a handbasket), } and you can tell the good guys from the bad guys by what political } party they belong to and where they stand on the abortion issue. } Of course, the one thing you will *always* be able to believe in is } the Oracle. The Oracle loves you and is always right about everything } and really truly does exist utterly and definitely is *not* a } 34-year-old unemployed female artist in Omaha, Nebraska writing this } on a used IBM 286 she got free from her sister. } } You owe the Oracle your undying faith. --- 736-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I parse a mailbox (ie. /usr/spool/mail/$USER). I am trying to > write an offline mail reader... for windows and I can get the contents > of a users mailbox but I am not sure how to parse out the diiferent > messages. > > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle please do not fail me :-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the days when your grandfathers grandfather was a boy, there } lived, in the provence of Kwong Lu, a maiden called Wu Li. She } was the daughter of the Governor of the provence, and the most } beautiful maiden in all the land. Schooled in the gentle arts, she } was an accomplished poet, skilled painter, and talented singer. But } above all of these was her skill at caligraphy, her beautifully } crafted characters were greatly prized, and decorated noble houses } throughout the heavenly empire. } } Now her father, Wu Chang, was a dedicated and loyal official, } but with the passing years he found his vision failing, and grew } to rely on his daughter to read the many important letters the } imperial messenger brought to him each day. Every morning, the } messenger, Hau Djwai, would come to the Governors home, and just at } the point where the 3 great hounds guarded the entrance, place the } messages in a brass bound box for which he held one of the 2 keys. } When Wu Li heard the baying of the hounds, she would watch from the } window until he had left, (for it would be unseemly for Wu Li to } meet with a single man unescorted) and retrieve the new messages, } Sitting by the window overlooking the mailbox, she then read the } messages to her father. In the afternoon the messenger would call } again, and collect and replies to be passed on to the Imperial } capital. Even though they had never officially met, Wu Li and Hau } Djwai had often exchanged glances through the window, and thus } their secret love was born. } } Now Wu Chang had promised his daughter in marriage to Kwai Ming, a } general in the Imperial army. Kwai Ming was an old and brutal man, } with little appreciation for the finer things in life, and Wu Li } was quite distressed at the thought of marriage, but what could } she do ? In desperation, she wrote a note to Hau Djwai, imploring } him to run away with her the next day. 'I shall be pretending to } feed the hounds by the mailbox', she wrote, 'run away with me, and } we shall be together forever.' } } Now Hau Djwai was young and handsome, and much in love with Wu Li, } but he was no fool, and knew that Kwai Ming would search to the } ends of the earth for his bride-to-be. He dare not defy the Empire } so, and yet he had not the heart to say this to Wu Li, so the next } afternoon he simply passed by the Governors house, without } stopping to collect the messages. } } Wu Li was devastated, betrayed by her one true love, condemned to a } loveless marriage with a brutal old man, she flung herself into } the well. Her drowned body was discovered by servants that evening, } the only clue to the cause was a note in Wu Li's exquisite } calligraphy } } 'Hau Djwai passed the mailbox - the arf-line window mail reader'. --- 736-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...how I should get rid of my farting... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As quickly as possible, I'd say. Please, supplicants, remember that the } Oracle has a superhuman sense of smell, and odors do travel over the } 'net. } } Now, as I realize that you are looking for how-to advice, I give you } the following techniques. Try the one that works best for you and your } lifestyle. } } BEANO } This is a commercial product designed to help you break down the } enzymes found in legumes, thereby preventing flatulence. Advantage: } many people purchase Beano(R), thereby removing the social stigma } involved. Disadvantage: it doesn't work THAT well, and is of almost no } help for you "beer and eggs" sorts. } } SELF-CONTROL } The obvious: hold it in! Advantage: no capital expenditures or } embarrassing evidence lying about. Disadvantage: if you have it bad, } you're going to need Arnold Schwarzesphincter, so to speak. } } PINE AIR FRESHENER } Spray until the pain goes away. Advantage: 1001 uses besides farts, } cheaper than Beano(R). Disadvantage: doesn't work. Makes it smell like } somebody shit a pine tree. } } HARDENED PLUG OF SUPERGLUE } Don't laugh, this works. You'll require some assistance in getting the } glue installed, but depending on your lifestyle, that could be fun! My } bum is twitching just thinking about it! Advantage: bonds permanently, } removing the problem forever. Disadvantage: you have a rectum for a } reason, and you will eventually explode, covering everyone nearby with } feces and making them think that it is election time again. } } You owe the Oracle a hardened plug of Beano. --- 736-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O delicious Oracle, who can adore a device while detaining your image, > whose finger I am unworthy of observing, whose wondrous companion Lisa > has splendid elbows, and who loves randomly generated grovels, is it > true that the 'net will die imminently and be featured on TV news shows > at 11:00? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, has the Imminent Death of the Net been predicted again? That's } kind of old news around here, along with the Good Times Virus and the } Invasion of the Giant Intergalactic Killer Bees. } } The secret of visualizing the Net is not to think of it as a net, but } rather, as a tree. There are literally hundreds of thousands of } millions of ways for sap to flow through the phloem and nutrients to } flow through the xylem (unless it's the other way around...even I have } trouble remembering this kind of thing). If you make a cut in the } tree, the sap and nutrients will still find a way to flow through. } Even if you make a really large cut in the tree, the flow may be } impeded slightly, but it'll still work, and eventually, it'll cure } itself. If you cut all the way through the tree, at least one acorn } (or, in Net terms, "node") will split itself off and valiantly try to } start the tree over. I mean the Net. } } Therefore, the answer to your question is in several parts. } } 1. The Death of the Net is not imminent. } 2. If the Net died, the first place it would be discussed is on the } new, replacement Net. } 3. In the more traditional media, it would first be noted on CNN at } 9:41 PM Eastern. } 4. It would then be noted on Fox affiliates and independent stations' } 10:00 news. } 5. After that, then and only then, would the Death of the Net be } featured on TV news shows at 11:00. And immediately after the story, } the stations would give out their new World Wide Web home page } addresses for use on the new Net. --- 736-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I will not grovel until I know if you are a man or a woman. > If you're a woman, than, neat. If not - kiss off. If you're a block > of cheese, please don't hurt me. If you are Ebola, please liquify my > guts. OK? Is this okay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, good. It's been one of those days where you're just itching to ZOT } someone. This is perfect! Let's see now, better make it a good one... } maybe a two handed ZOT? Yeah, that'll work... with my eyes closed? Nah, } I want to make sure I'm right on target. Maybe a running start? No, no } style there. OK, I'm ready. } } Ready... } } Aim... } } [A figure in a suit enters. He speaks.] } } Man: Hold it, Oracle. } } Oracle: What?! What do you want? } } Man: My card. } } Oracle (reads): "Immortal Regulatory Service... Agent Gabriel." } } Gabriel: I'm here to stop you from violating your contract. } } O: My contract?! My contract SPECIFICALLY states that I may ZOT whoever } I want! C'mon, this joker is REALLY asking for it. } } G: That's not what I'm talking about. Your contract states that you are } required to truthfully answer every question given to you. } } O: Oh, like that ever stopped me before... } } G: Exactly. We're cracking down. I'm required to inform you that } failure to answer this supplicant's question will result in a penaltly } of having to answer "Dear Abby's" column until Windows 95 ships. } } O: You guys ARE cracking down. } } G: So why don't you just answer the question? THEN you can ZOT all you } want. } } O: Yeah, but I hate to give this loser even the slightest bit of } satisfaction even before a painful ZOT... } } G: I'm afraid you must. } } O: Grrrr... Fine. I'll do it, but I'll hate myself in the morning... } Ahem. } } Supplicant, your question was: } } > OK? Is this okay? } } The answer is no. It is NOT okay. } } You owe the Oracle to stand still... look up... ready... aim... --- 736-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it considered strange for a man to wear pantyhose? (Or is it? > I'm new to this culture.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not universally frowned upon; fashion can vary dramatically from } region to region. In many urban areas, it is actually customary for a } man to don a pair of pantyhose before entering a retail establishment. } } You owe the Oracle a panic button.