From oracle-request Thu Jan 12 15:58:55 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16773; Thu, 12 Jan 1995 15:58:55 -0500 Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 15:58:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #705 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 705 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #705 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 15:58:55 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 705 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 700 82 votes dojj7 gljdd hwma1 ailp8 1lsma dord5 ekkfd ivn82 6ioq8 emte3 700 2.8 mean 2.8 2.8 2.3 3.0 3.2 2.7 2.9 2.3 3.1 2.6 --- 705-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that every girl I meet and want to be friends (or casual > dating partners) with falls madly in love with me and starts planning > our wedding, forcing me to dump them cruelly and mercilessly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I dunno, maybe it's your eyes...your wonderful, deep blue eyes, and } your charming personality, bubbling with life and love and OH HOW I } LOVE YOU I WANT TO MARRY YOU ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE FIRST MONTH OF THE } FIRST YEAR OF THE FIRS56345^%#*67432fhdsjf47$67356h } } CORE DUMPED CRUELLY AND MERCILESSLY } } You owe the Oracle the engagement ring. --- 705-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, tell me why in heavens name didn't my car start > this morning ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the early seventies, the Psychology Department of the University of } Wagga Wagga ran a study called Driver Experiment in Automobile Denial. } The idea was to see whether car owners, when faced with an inoperative } vehicle, would seek alternative and less polluting means of transport, } such as walking or sharing a journey with someone else. To carry out } the experiment, the cars of a number of subjects were fitted with a } device which would immobilise it on a random number of days during a } two-month period. } } The experiment was deemed a failure, because significant numbers of } subjects reacted by selling their vehicles and buying newer, bigger } cars. However, the rights to the so-called "DEAD" device were bought } up by General Motors, who had them fitted to all new vehicles. The } benefits of the shorter re-purchase cycle were soon seen by other } manufacturers, who produced their own similar systems. Not content } with that, the manufacturers also paid garages to retro-fit the device } into older cars when serviced, in order to provoke more sales. } } So the reason your car didn't start was that it was in DEAD mode. } } You owe the Oracle a spark of intelligence. --- 705-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a meeting tomorrow morning at work to discuss a mighty report > which I was to do this weekend, and have not (as yet) begun. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, what you SHOULDN'T do is fall madly in love with your boss and } start planning your wedding, because he just wants to be friends (or } casual dating partners), and you'll be forcing him to dump you cruelly } and mercilessly. } } No, what you must do is feign illness. Always worked for me in my } apprenticeship days when I had failed to write the weekly witty } response! } } You owe the Oracle an Apple Newton. I have a report due tomorrow. --- 705-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Exceedingly Wise One, try to bear with my ignorance and attempts to > get SOME SLEEP !! My problem is: Is the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5 > capable in form, shape or way of using tape back up stations that > operate through the parallel port? I can not begin to tell you that > a solution to that problem will help tremedously - I thank you in > advance for just the mere directions to a solution of the problem :-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this is actually three separate questions: Whether it has this } capability in form, whether it has it in shape, or whether it has it } in way. } } *Formally* speaking, the MS-WINDOWS Workstation 3.5 is just one } manifestation of the Ur-MS-WINDOWS machine, which dwells in the } Platonic realm. Since the definition of an MS-WINDOWS entity is } "a featherless thing which constantly crashes," then, under the } Platonic notion of Forms, your Workstation not only does not have } this capability, it does not have *any* capability. } } *Shape*, on the other hand, is a purely physical notion. If we consider } only the shape aspect of things, your workstation can work with any } other piece of equipment that is not so large and awkward that the two } of them cannot coexist in the same universe. } } Finally, having considered the philosophical and physical aspects of } your problem, we go on to the mystical aspects. From the point of view } of the Way (or Tao), all action is done through nonaction. Thus, when } your Windows machine crashes, going into a state of nonaction, it } becomes capable of all things, including working with your backup } system. We thus see how the mystical reconciles the philosophical and } the physical. } } You owe the Oracle a Tao with a silencer. --- 705-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh good, Tonto, you finally made it! Look, you've got to get me } out of these ropes. I tried sending Silver for help but it was no } use. } } Hmmm? What happened? Well, as I was riding, these Apaches } ambushed me. The chief said they were going to kill me, but before } I died I could have three requests. So naturally I asked to talk } to Silver. I whispered in his ear what I wanted and he flew off } like a flash. About an hour later, he came back with this really } stacked blonde. The chief liked that, so he let me borrow his } teepee. } } So after a great night, I asked to talk to Silver. Silver again } rode off, and this time he returned with a redhead. Once again, } the chief smiled, gave me his teepee, and I had a great night. } } The next day, I asked to talk to Silver again, and spelled out what } I wanted in a little more detail. Silver this time returned with a } stunning brunette. I was pissed; I yelled at Silver, "Dammit, I } said a posse!" } } Anyway, now that you're here, will you get me off of this ant hill? } } What? } } No! You can't lick the honey off of me; you know you'd have to } grovel to do that, but you know how you hate that! Hmph. } } You owe the Oracle a silver bullet. --- 705-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omost wise Oracle , please O most wise Oracle, please > pleaseplease help me with my please please help me with my > problem. problem. > > For some time now I have been For some time now I have been > obsessed with stereograms. obsessed with stereograms. > I've gotten so good at I've gotten so good at > crossing myeyes that I crossing my eyes that I > sometimes just stare up at sometimes just stare up at > the ceiling and fuse tiles the ceiling and fuse tiles > together to see if they have together to see if they have > anyhidden images . any hidden images. > > Unfortunately, now I seem to Unfortunately, now I seem to > be having trouble trouble be having trouble trouble > focusing onreal focusing on real > three-dimensional objects. three-dimensional objects. > The real world seemsflat and The real world seems flat and > dull , and I've been reading dull, and I've been reading > alt.3d in a vain search for alt.3d in a vain search for > 3-D .sig files . 3-D .sig files. > > Please,I beg of you , help me! Please, I beg of you, help me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well done, Supplicant! Well done, supplicant! Well done, Supplier! } By watching everything By seeing everything By examining everything } twice, you have found 2x, you have found two times, you've found } a higher level of con- a higher plain of con- a higher lever of con- } sciousness. Now it is sciousness. Now, it is sciousness. Presently,it's } time to progress even time to go forth even time to more on even } further. You have gone further. You've gone farther. You have gone } beyond normal human beyond regular human past normal human } experience, and you experience; and you experience, & you } are now ready for the are now set for the are now prepared for the } REAL THREE-dimensional REAL 3-dimensional ACTUAL THREE-dimensional } experience. Yes! Only experience. OK! Only experience. Indeed! Only } The Usenet Oracle (tm) some guy in a compulab some nerd w/ a phone bill } can offer you this can grant you this can give you this } unique experience -oh, once experience -oh, one-time experience -oh, } and your local newspa- and your local maga- and your local newspa- } per. zine. per. } } You owe the Oracle a You owe Mr. Oracle a The Oracle wants a } nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool, nice cut-n-paste tool, } and those nerdy card- and those nerdy card- and those nerdy card- } board green/red specs. board green/red specs. board green/red specs. --- 705-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell about Your German speaking incarnation. > I have been unable to contact the . There > is word going round, that nessie is down. > > How can it be? Nessie down? > > Can`t You jump in with a German speaking service? > > A desperate supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Och aye, wee supplicant. Dinna ye ken, the Nessie service ha' been } taken oot o' action while yon scientists are searching for the wee } lassie. We canna ha' yon eggheads leaving no secrets aboot the world, } noo, ken we? Yon Nessie Service ha' been provided in th' past for the } Scottish Tourism Board, and under th' terms o' our contract with yon } Board, MacOracle Services must no confirm no deny the existence o' } Nessie through inaction until 2173 AD. Thus, ma wee bairn, when yoo } say that Nessie is down, ye are correct and ye are no' correct at the } same time. Nessie is no' down, Nessie is submerged. } } Ye owe the MacOracle four drams of fine single malt Scotch --- 705-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest oracle, I have this most perplexing problem: > > Last night I saw the film 'TimeCop' with Jean-Claude Van-Damme. I am > very confused about the plot. > > In the film he is fighting against a corrupt senator who is traveling > back through time in order to change the future. In the last action > scene of the film Jean Claude kills the baddie by making his past self > anihalite his futue self. The past time baddie was killed before he had > a chance to commit all his naughty crimes. > > Problems arise: > > If the bad guy died before he had a chance to commit any crimes then > most of the events portrayed in the film never occurd ( in the > imaginary film world ). > > Furthermore, if the events didnt take place then Jean Claude never went > back in time to save himself, his wife and kill the bad guy. > > Finaly, if the events never happend then he would also have erased his > own memory of what had happened. > > This film is full of inconsistancies. Can you please help me unravel > them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all quite simple and you just about got it when you mentioned his } memories of what happened being erased. You see, Jean-Claude Van Damme } is now such an astonishingly popular movie star that no movie } production company can possibly afford his astronomical fee. Things } looked bad for fans of "The Muscles from Brussels" until one small } company had a rather bright idea. } } All they had to do was create a film where during the filming (and } preferably really near the end) Jean-Claude went back in time and made } the production of the film itself impossible. Therefore, since there } was no film, Jean-Claude could not collect his fee, and the film was } effectively made for free. This was achieved by casting the originator } of the idea himself as the baddie. } } And, there is also one particularly good side-effect of this method of } making films. Since there never was a 'TimeCop', there will never be } a 'TimeCop II'. } } You owe The Oracle scripts for 'TimePolicewoman', 'TimeLawyer', } 'TimeFather Christmas', 'TimeGump', 'TimeAerobics Instructor', } 'TimePostman', and 'TimeEx-Member of the Beatles who Died in Hamburg'. --- 705-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and powerful Oracle, who often has lunch with Yahweh in > order to laugh at him when the old dribble glass trick works: > > If a tree in a forest falls on Newt Gingrich and no one is around to > hear him scream, what will middle-class tax rates do in relation to > Federal Reserve interest rates within the next two years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm.... a most worthy question. } } I think I need to simulate this one on my computer... } } >LOOK } } You are in a large, dense forest. } } >LISTEN } } You can hear faint cries for help in the distance. } } >GO TO SOUND } } You are by a large fallen tree. Pinned under the tree is Newt } Gingrich. } } >SAY HELLO } } "I'm under a tree, you idiot! Help me!", replies Newt. } } >SAY HOW? } } "You must deliver my tax plan to Washington so it can be passed!", says } Newt. He offers you a briefcase. } } >TAKE BRIEFCASE } } You now have a thin brown briefcase. } } >INVENTORY } } You are carrying: } A briefcase } A Swiss Army knife } Beef Jerky } A Honda Accord } A biology textbook } } >USE HONDA } } You are inside the Honda. } } >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON } } You have reached Washington. A logging company lies to the west } } >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON DC } } You have reached Washington DC. The capitol lies to the north. } The White House lies to the east. } } >DRIVE TO WHITE HOUSE } } You have reached the White House. } } >ENTER } } A Honda Accord can't fit in the White House! } } >PUT ACCORD AWAY } } The Honda Accord is stored on your person. } } >ENTER WHITE HOUSE } } You are inside the White House. There is a staircase leading upstairs. } The Oval Office is to the West. } } >ENTER OVAL OFFICE } } You are inside the oval office. A large man with grey hair is behind } the desk. The President says "Can I help you?" } } >OPEN BRIEFCASE } } The briefcase is locked! } } >USE SWISS ARMY KNIFE } } Use on what? } } >BRIEFCASE } } The briefcase is now open. It contains: } A budget bill } A stopwatch } A pornographic magazine } A computer mouse. } } >SAY I HAVE NEWT'S BILL } } "If you don't leave immediately, I'm calling security", the President } says. } } >DROP BEEF JERKY } } The President unwraps the Beef Jerky. The President eats the Beef } Jerky. The President smiles. The President says, "Just like mom's. Got } any more?" } } >DROP MAGAZINE } } The President sees the magazine. The President reads the magazine. } The President nods approvingly. } } >HIT PRESIDENT WITH BOOK } } Where will you hit the President? } } >THE HEAD } } The President is now unconscious. } } >PLACE BRIEFCASE ON DESK } } The briefcase is on the Oval Office desk. } } >SIGN BILL } } You sign your name on the President's face. } } Security has just entered the room! } } You have been arrested. } Your score is 536 out of 12645 } } Oh well, guess that didn't work. I suppose the answer is nothing. } Gridlock continues as normal. } } You owe the Oracle an audit. --- 705-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha, you forget the law of conservation of stickiness. In fact, all } objects have a total stickiness quotient of 1.0. Since the external } side of the teflon is not sticky at all, the other side of it must be } the stickiest substance known to mankind, and it sticks to the steel of } the pan like Madonna would stick to Norman Mailer if she had half a } chance. } } You owe The Oracle something, ANYTHING, that will get my fingers free } from this testtube.