From oracle-request Thu Sep 29 07:17:06 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA19244; Thu, 29 Sep 1994 07:17:06 -0500 Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 07:17:06 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #679 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 679 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #679 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 07:17:06 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 679 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 674 73 votes 6lre5 grka0 2cns8 6lxb2 39noe cqt60 2hsn3 demh7 crib5 1qrh2 674 2.9 mean 2.9 2.3 3.4 2.8 3.5 2.4 3.1 2.9 2.6 2.9 --- 679-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wizened Oracle, I have recently been forced to eat > crow, eat my words, and stick my foot in my mouth. What are > the appropriate wines for these dishes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most chastened supplicant, how often the omniscient Oracle wishes he } could taste of these delicacies. Of course, being ominiscient means } never having to say you're sorry, so I must go without. } } However, lacking direct experience has never been much of a block for } me, the short answer is: it depends upon how the meal has been } prepared. } } If you are tasting these bitter dishes in the traditional manner (ie. } in an intimate one-on-one, most likely with a significant other) } than I might suggest a light Petite Faux Blanc. } } For a more robust meal, perhaps with a group of friends, classmates or } colleagues, you'll want to complement your red face with a stronger } vintage, perhaps a Merdetete, a self-deprecating little wine with a } distinctive air of contriteness. } } For a banquet of shame--with, say, your superiors at work or a } frequented Usenet newsgroup where you've made an ass of yourself--think } cheap and powerful. A case of MD 20/20, Night Train or Thunderbird } drunk alone and quickly will go nicely as you wolf down your } three-courses of mea culpae. Believe me, you WILL be sorry. } } You owe the Oracle Dante's Guide to the Vineyards of Purgatory and a } corkscrew. --- 679-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't jump! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is having a hard time deciding which is the silliest answer } to give this inspired question. He has decided that He will give you } several. } } 1. Sorry. I've been listening to the Pointer Sisters and Van Halen } too much. I'll stop that now. } } 2. What?!!? Do you have any idea what happens to a computer program } that stops executing JMP instructions? It stops running, that's } what! Why are you asking me to commit suicide? } } 3. Now, now. I paid my $70 for this and I'm going to do it. It's } your turn next, and I expect you to go through with it as well. } The guy selling tickets said that there aren't any refunds once } you're on the bungee tower, you know. } } 4. Boiiiiing! Phbbbbbbbt! } } 5. This is a USAir flight. Didn't you know that it's the safest way } to disembark? } } 6. But now I'll NEVER get to marry Michael Jackson!!! } } 7. You're right, she's just not worth...woah...woah...oops..oh! } Eyaaaaaaaaagh! *SPLAT!* --- 679-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest and most knowlagable in cyberspace: > > What is net-ti-kit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thou grovelling supplicant: } "Netiquette" is the ability to travel the Internet without } sticking your nodes up at everyone else. --- 679-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle whose wash and wear clothes always look good > on you, even while still wet: > > Why does my iron have a permanent-press setting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just to give the anal people a bad day. :) --- 679-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's all your fault! You know what I'm talking about, don't even try to > deny it! I'm going to get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm going > to get you. That's a promise, not a threat! Be afraid, be very afraid! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I know what you're talking about, the Oracle knows all. } } And, I even know how you're going to try and get me, even though you } don't know yourself, yet. And will be ready. } } Be afraid. Be very afraid. --- 679-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A couple of years ago I woke up and discovered that everybody was > me, or I was everybody. This wasn't one of those telepathic deals > with just one me looking out of billions of pairs of eyes, but > instead there were lots and lots of me, each a separate individual. > > At first I thought it was pretty cool. I owned everything. > I went to my job at the shoe factory and reset the machine to make > just one size of shoes. I closed down my tanning parlor, > and converted my lipstick factory to make more chess sets -- after > all, I was champion of the world. > > Sure, there were some problems, even at first. I wanted to move to > 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and live in the White House, but I already > lived there and didn't want to move out; but hey, there's > lots of me, and lots of room there, so we took turns, twenty or > thirty at a time of me. > > Usenet news was pretty dull for awhile, too. > > Also, Things got messy for a while. I didn't want to sweep the > streets, or collect the garbage. Finally I worked that out, too, and > I-in-general was neater and more considerate of myself so > I-garbageman wouldn't have such a tough job. > > The real early problems were with the lots of mes who were stuck in > places like Africa or Texas. But hey, it gave me something to do, > getting everyme out of there and getting me fixed up with decent > places to live. Nice is pretty crowded now. > > Soon, though, I started to get lonely for other people. Especially > for female-type people. I got real nostalgic and started watching > all those old movies, with all those stars that weren't me. > Then, whaddya know, some of me decided that this nostalgia stuff > wasn't good, and I started me-izing the movies. > > I really hate me-ized movies. I wish I wouldn't do that to the movies. > I make a lousy Princess Leah.... > > O great Oracle who is vast, and contains multitudes, > please tell me how I can meet new people. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mars. } } Yes, go to Mars. You will find new people there, who have not been } you-ized. Now I know what you're thinking, how much trouble it'll be } to get the others of you to build the giant rocket and life support } packs and all. And how long y'all will have to wait. But there is an } easy solution. } } Go to Mars, Pennsylvania. Eat the special magic chocolate Mars bar } that the pink lust bunny offers you, and you will be on a trip to the } Other Mars. If it doesn't work, you won't know the difference. Bon } voyage! } } You owe the Oracle fewer of you. --- 679-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent one, who's feet smell of apples... > > Please tell me who's teeth are sharper: Dracula or Jaws? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lab report 94-9770, Sharpness of teeth. } } Hypothesis: Teeth of a Vampire are at least as sharp as those of a Great } White Shark, if not even sharper. } } The experiment: } } Subject A, a 1.7 M caucasian vampire, was offered the chance to bite the } neck of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with } experiment 94-9702, Killing Madonna.) } } Subject B, a 2.7 M great white shark, was offered the chance to bite the } torso of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with } experiment 94-9735, Trying again to kill Madonna.) } } The results: } } Subject A did minimal damage, consonant with having very sharp teeth. } The teeth seem to have entered the neck without causing significant } damage to the surrounding tissues. } } Subject B bit a large portion from the center of the torso, tearing it } loose with great violence and a small amount of involuntary cheering on } the part of the experimenters. Subsequently, Subject B spit out the } torso segment and swam away. } } Conclusion: The vampire's teeth appear to be sharper than those of the } shark, based upon the limited size of the experiment. We wish to try the } experiment again, replacing Madonna with Tonya Harding. } } Notes: Both Subject A and Subject B have survived, although neither } seems especially willing to participate in further experiments. } } You owe the Oracle another experiment that can be performed upon } Madonna. --- 679-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most perfect oracle! > > why do things fall apart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [WARNING: This answer is strictly *confidential* and should not be } shared with anyone, especially not physicists. They hate it when I } show them up for the bloody fools that they are. - U.O.] } } Things falling apart can be easily explained with the use of the New } and Improved Unified Field Theory. There are four types of forces in } the world: strong nuclear force, weak nuclear force, sex appeal and } bloody-mindedness. } } Bloody-mindedness is transmitted in quanta, by particles called } pissoffons. An excess of pissoffon radiation (as produced by stalled } cars on freeways, telephone solicitors, and Top 40 radio) can cause } short tempers, vicious squabbles, and an acceleration of entropy. It } is this acceleration of entropy that makes things fall apart. } } Unfortunately, the resulting breakdown of atomic bonds caused by the } pissoffon radiation causes short tempers, releasing even more } pissoffons and accelerating the breakdown. This is why everything } appears to go wrong at one time, as stated in Goddammit's Law, the } fundamental principle of bloody-minded physics. (A corollary to this } law, Custer's Last Hypothesis, states that this time will be the most } inconvenient possible, goddammit.) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Brief History of Time". I need a good } laugh. --- 679-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do some people say such stupid stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 679-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mysterious, funky one: > > Tell me where doth one find true love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } True love, or not true love- that is the question! } Whether 'tis better in the heart to suffer } The pangs and sorrows of unrequited desire } Or to shack up with the first bimbo you meet } And by screwing, seek surcease. To yearn- to love- } No more; and by a love to say we end } The horniness, and the thousand physical attractions } That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a copulation } Devoutly to be wish'd. To yearn- to love. } To love- perchance to have sex: ay, there's the rub!