From oracle-request Wed Jul 20 11:36:49 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18427; Wed, 20 Jul 1994 11:36:49 -0500 Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 11:36:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #665 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 665 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #665 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 11:36:49 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 665 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 660 67 votes oif73 dhdf9 8hmaa 2gsf6 5fqh4 798et 6cqg7 cehdb eofa4 agv82 660 2.9 mean 2.2 2.9 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.7 3.1 3.0 2.5 2.6 --- 665-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, I beg you to answer this unworthy > supplicant's question: > > Where have all the flowers gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Doesn't anyone read the FAQ anymore? Okay, one more time: } ----------------------------------------------------------------- } } FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions list) for } sci.botany.flower.disposition } } First created: Long time passing. } Last Revision: Long time ago. } } IMPORTANT NOTE: This FAQ only covers questions that actually have some } relevance to s.b.f.d. If your question is not on this list (e.g. } "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?") } PLEASE check the FAQ for sci.answers.airborne before posting. } ------------------------------------------------ } } 1) Where have all the flowers gone? } } Young girls picked them, every one. } } Ref: Carson, R. "Defloralization: An examination of root causes." } _Nature_, 15 April 1968. } ------------------------------------------------ } } 2) Where have all the young girls gone? } } Taken husbands, every one. } } Ref: Mead, M. "Pair bonding: a cross-cultural perspective." } _Anthropology Review Letters B_, March 1954. } ------------------------------------------------ } } 3) Where have all the young men gone? } } Gone to graveyards, every one. } } Ref: Baez, J. "Bellicosity and Male Mortality: The Statistical } Approach" (rev. art.). _Journal of Applied Sociology_, July 1969. } ------------------------------------------------- } } 4) Where have all the graveyards gone? } } Gone to flower, every one. } } Ref: Frankenstein, V. and _____, I. "Incidental Observations on } Cemeterial Flora (an appendix to 'Further Developments in Metabolic } Reconstitution,' part IV)." _Swiss Journal of Anatomy_, Winter 1756. } ------------------------------------------------- } } 5) When will they ever learn? } } This is as yet undetermined, though early research seems to point } to a rather late date. } ------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a hammer. --- 665-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o most wise Oracle, who knows what a wimpy group the UN really is, > > Why is it that Secretary Generals (Secretaries General?) of the United > Nations always have such cool names? For example: > > Trigve Lye > U Thant > Dag Hammerskjold > Javier Perez de Cuellar > Boutros Boutros-Ghali > > And does this mean that the next two Secretaries General will be > Arlen Specter and Wolf Blitzer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A cool name is a requirement for being Secretary General of the UN. } This is learned from hard experience. It is now generally accepted } that WWII would not have happened if the League of Nations was headed } by someone with a more memorable name. The debate in the Senate, when } ratification of the League Treaty was voted down mostly revolved around } the fact that the President of the League had a dorky name. When } Hitler went to invade Poland, he did not feel restrained by } international law because he couldn't remember its name. } } The next two Secretaries General of the UN will be Yoko Ono and Kareem } Abdul Jabar. } } The Usenet Oracle } } You owe the Oracle an electric razor. } (hey, sometimes it works) --- 665-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, please answer this unworthy supplicant's > question: what happens if you drop a piece of toast that is buttered on > both sides? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is not advisable! All sorts of things could go wrong. } } If you're very lucky, the cat will eat the toast before it hits the } ground. } } If you're not quite so lucky, the toast will land on its side. } } If you're unlucky, the whole fabric of causality will be torn apart } within the vicinity. } } There was a guy on Jupiter who tried this on Saturday. He was } unlucky. People put it down to the comet but I know better. } } You owe the Oracle Schroedinger's cat. He was the one who ate my } toast. --- 665-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I and my two sibs have a problem that only one of your infinite > wisdom and experience can possibly answer. You see, my younger brother > and sister and myself are all trapped in an (empty) steel water tower > on the lot of a major worldwide producer of movies and television. > We've been in this thing for as long as we can remember, and would > really like to get out. Unfortunalty, all we have available to us is a > red baseball cap (with no logo on it), a Bugs Bunny Telephone and a > large brown burlap sack. Can you perhaps give us a suggestion on how > to escape? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh mortals, truly you have come to the right place. The Oracle has } several plans to suggest for your escape. } } 1) Wait for it to rain really hard. The water tower should start } filling with water. All get into the burlap sack, and start } mewing as though you were abandoned kittens; since you're on a } movie lot, the Law of Happy Endings for Cute Animals should take } effect, and you will be rescued in the nick of time. } } 2) Draw a suitable logo on the baseball cap to catapult yourselves into } an appropriate film; I suggest that a Jurassic Park logo should } do the trick, since the sight of three youngsters trapped in a } structure that could be brought down by a running Tyrannosaurus } will result in an instance of the Law of Predictable Destruction. } The watertower will be destroyed, but you will automatically be } able to escape (Law of No Killing Children in Major Movies). } } 3) Use the Bugs Bunny phone to call Roger Rabbit. If he doesn't seem } keen (for instance, if he's not happy about being called on a } rival rabbit's telephone), tell him your younger sister looks } like Jessica. He will whizz up the water tower to rescue you, } which will eventually be accomplished after he falls off several } times and narrowly misses serious injury even more often (Law of } Nothing Being Simple In Cartoons). After you have climbed down, } Roger will cower at the top and complain that he is afraid of } heights; the only way that you will be able to get him down is by } remembering the Law of Extreme Overkill in Cartoons and using } dynamite (Acme brand, of course) to bring down the tower. Roger } will walk away unscathed, naturally. (Law of Invulnerability of } Animated Drawings.) } } 4) This one's only for advanced use. Select the sibling you like least. } Sacrifice him or her to the Elder Gods (Great Cthulhu for } preference). The god concerned will have to tear open the water } tower to get at you (Law of Gods who use Tin-Openers) and you and } your remaining sibling should be able to make your escape. } } 5) The final solution; if none of the other ideas work, look inside the } sack. Chances are, this being a movie, that the Evil Villain (who } presumably left you in the water tower) will have left something } minor but vitally useful inside (Law of Stupid Mistakes -- a } counterpart to the Law of Explaining your Plans). He might have } left you some highly concentrated acid (to burn your way out), a } laser cutter (to cut your way out), several sticks of dynamite } (to blow your way out) or a thermonuclear device (to take out the } whole lot). Of course, being the omniscient Oracle, I can deduce } that he did of course leave you with a computer with email } access.... use your imagination. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of water. --- 665-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail Oracle, Greatest of All; this humble supplicant bows before > you and asks this simple question: > > 'Why does Superman wear his underpants on the outside?' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your profound question, which has troubled the world's finest minds } for decades, has generated several schools of thought. (The numbers } in the following text, such as 1 and 8, refer to footnotes at the end } of this answer.) Each school of thought, as you shall see below, is } partly right. } } One school contends that he is a heterosexual cross-dresser who came } out of the closet.^1^ Superman wears brightly colored panties, and he } wants everyone to know. He enjoys wearing women's clothing. He's not } wearing boxer shorts, and what he's wearing has no fly. He's wearing } panties.^2^ } } Another school contends that he is trying to draw attention to his } external genitalia. He's basically just a young stud and a show-off, } it is said.^3^ } } A third school contends that he is not wearing underpants, and that } what the public sees (just below his waist) is the natural coloring of } his flesh.^4^ Ever since Lorena Bobbit got a kryptonite knife, } Superman has neither needed nor worn underpants, some scholars } claim.^5^ } } A fourth school of thought contends that Superman is trying to get } back to his cultural roots. His male ancestors wore their underpants } on the outside, and he wants to have a sense of continuity with } them.^6^ } } A fifth school of thought contends that he dresses to please the } public, and that his market research indicated that the public wants } its superheroes to dress the way that he does. He'd wear a plumed hat } if his market research people told him that it would increase his } market share or audience approval, some scholars have written.^7^ } } Another school of thought contends that he is paid much money by an } underpants manufacturer to wear that manufacturer's underpants on the } outside whenever he performs his official duties in public.^8^ } } A seventh school of thought contends that Superman is participating in } an experiment being conducted by a graduate student in psychology. } The details of the experiment must be kept secret, but the general } idea is to study: (a) who notices that Superman's wearing his } underpants on the outside, and (b) who feels comfortable discussing } this subject with a total stranger.^9^ } } An eighth school of thought contends that this is merely an } idiosyncrasy of Superman. Are you completely normal in everything you } do? Well, Superman isn't either. Don't try to read anything into } this behavior. It's just a harmless oddity, some scholars argue.^10^ } } A ninth school of thought is that Superman is trying to change the way } that we dress. He hopes to be a role model. He wants us to wear our } underpants on the outside, too.^11^ } } NOTES } } 1. Editorial, _Out!_ , August 15, 1952, vol. 14, no. 3, p. 19. } } 2. "Vanity in Heroes in Contemporary, American Civilization" } (transcript of panel discussion, moderated by Joan Levy-Khan, at the } July 1987 annual convention of the International Society for the Study } of Mass Culture) _Annals of the International Society for the Study of } Mass Culture_ , Spring 1988, vol. 35, no. 1, pp. 45-89. } } 3. Fitzhugh, James, et al. "A Few Speculations on Possible } Medical Disorders of Extra-Terrestial Beings, and Ethical Implications } of Their Treatment by Humans" _Lancet_ 5 May 1994, vol. 186, no. 23, } pp. 193-216. } } 4. Ling, Mei-Li, et al. "Superman and Postmodernist } Nostalgia Seen from a Socialist-Feminist Perspective" } _Cultural Diversity_ Winter 1992, vol. 6, no. 4, pp. 154-93. } } 5. Rodriguez, Natasha. "The Ultimate Powerdresser" _Modern } Advertising_ November 22, 1962, vol. 27, no. 18, pp. 3, 17. } } 6. Levine, William. "Not for Attribution" _Women's Wear } Daily_ April 1, 1958, p. 6. } } 7. LeClerc, Harry. "Use of Public Figures in Psychological } Research" in: Carter-Sloan, Annette, et al., editors. _Psychological } Experimentation on University Campuses: Second Edition_ (Oxford } University Press: New York, 1969) pp. 314-66. } } 8. Park, Lo Van, et al. "Clothing as a Diagnostic Tool: A } Review of the Recent Literature" _Journal of Abnormal Psychology_ July } 1994, vol. 48, no. 3, pp. 487-98. } } 9. Ramahandramahn, G.L., et al. "Deconstruction of Superman } as Agitator" _Culture and Meta-Culture_ Autumn 1989, vol. 16, } no. 4, pp. 598-625. } } 10. Schmidt, Rosa. "Fruit-of-the-Loom Might, Flying Right: } New Controversy Surrounds an American Hero," Magazine section } of _New York Times_ January 31, 1986, pp. 14-16, 31-35. } } 11. Corelli, Guy. "Superman et la Loi" _Le Monde_ March 10, } 1993, p. 25. } } You owe the Oracle a three-pack of Haines colored, bikini-cut, men's } undershorts. --- 665-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great one whose mind knows no limits, whose insight can see beyond, > and whose dishes are always lemony fresh, please make your humble > servent eternally joyful by answering my question: > > What happen to socks that dissappear when you put them into the dryer. > I don't buy the line that they are floating in the ozone layer, as my > parental units have informed me... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contrary to popular belief, there are actually several mechanisms by } which socks disappear in the drier: } } 1) While being tossed about in the heat of the drier, some of the socks } become quite, well, excited. When they are jostled close to a } matching sock (sometimes called its "mate"), the two socks join in a } strange ritual which parodies certain biological functions that } humans and other species engage in. Unlike the human version, } though, this process ends with one sock disappears completely in an } orgasm of ecstacy, static electricity, and lint. This is known as } "having socks." } } 2) Every now and then, small vaguely demonic creatures (imps, really), } attracted by the warm, humid air and the prospect of a good meal, } will sneak up the clothes-drier vent, and steal one or two socks. } These are then prepared with some ketchup, lemon-butter and basil. } The dish is a favorite among the imps. Because this recipe was } invented near a particular small town in East-Central Illinois, it } is called "Socks Clinton." } } 3) If you happen to be a celebrity (as the Oracle is), sometimes } thieves will sneak into your house to steal small items of clothing, } personal effects, and so forth, all of which are valuable to the } collector. Socks are a particular favorite, due to their small size } and personal nature. These items are then sold in a periodic } exchange of such items, known as the "Sock Market." } } 4) Finally, it may be that you have been unconsciously removing the } socks from the laundry and hiding them in niches, cubbyholes, etc., } around the house in case of a future shortage of the essential } underwear. If so, this is perfectly normal behavior. Sock } shortages have periodically occured, and many people exhibit this } sort of subconscious hoarding. Among psychologists, this is known as } "socking up." } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Extra-Whitening Tide, to clean the } Oracle's mind....you may have noticed that the Oracle spends a lot of } time thinking about dirty socks. } } --- 665-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, to whom the mastery of trivia is merely a trivial matter: > > Is it true that Disney holds the rights to the song 'I'm Too Sexy', > which was cut from the original film version of Pinocchio and had > lyrics that went something like this: > > I'm too sexy for my nose > So sexy that it grows > I'm too sexy... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, its true. In fact, Pinocchio was a remake of a pornographic French } Film, entitled "The Boy With the Penis for a Nose." When Disney } decided to remake the film, they originally had casted Joe Camel to } play Pinocchio. Disney had planned to make it a pornographic musical, } but then after the success of transforming "Bambi Does Bulgaria" into a } children's film (the genius was turning the playboy bunny "Humper" into } the rabbit "Thumper"), they decided to do the same with Pinocchio. } However, Disney did release a limited edition of original soundtrack } for Pinocchio. Here is a song listing: } } 1. Boys (original version of Beastie Boys' "Girls") } (Scene where Gepetto creates Pinocchio) } 2. Rico Suave } (Scene where Pinocchio comes to life) } 3. Humpty Dance } (Scene where Pinocchio and Gepetto do the lambada) } 4. I'm Too Sexy } (Scene where Pinocchio lies for the first time) } 5. You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman } (Jiminy Cricket's Solo) } 6. I Wanna Sex You Up } (The Evil Puppeteer kidnaps Pinocchio) } 7. I Wanna New Drug } (Pinocchio goes to that pleasure island) } 8. Playing with the Boys (if you get my drift...) } (Pinocchio meets the other boys on pleasure island) } 9. Underwater Fantasy (love theme from Pinocchio) } (Pinocchio escapes from the island & encounters the whale) } 10. Wind Beneath My Wings } (Pinocchio returns to Gepetto: typical sappy Disney ending) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the movie "Beauty and the Football Team" --- 665-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, tell me... > > Why are college professors such slugs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If they were drosophila, they would work in the financial aid office. } If they were orangutans, they would run campus security. } If they were woodchucks, they would help out in the computer lab. } If they were arachnoids, they would be running student government. } If they were tarantulas, they would be raising money for student gov't. } If they were dachshunds, they would serve in the school cafeteria. } If they were archerfish, they would write for the school paper. } If they were sycophants, they would work in the dean's office. } If they were nighthawks, they would have left school by now. } } But they're merely slugs. } } You owe the Oracle a pound of salt. --- 665-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gracious and wonderful Oracle, whose Wisdom is deeper than any > ocean, please grant your humble supplicant an answer to the following > question: > > Where do kids get all of there energy? They can run around non-stop all > day and seemingly not get tired. Ecpect for a nap or two, they hardly > even rest. This seems to me to contradict the law of the conservation > of energy. Please enlighten me with your knowledge and understanding. > > -- > Jim Spellingmeister Dual Communications > SR S/W Engineer 1134 E. 87th Street > Phone: 214-123-4567 Piano, Taxes 75075 > Fax: 214-765-4321 E-Mail: jspellingm@hutu.dual.com > > [Priest's note: .sig changed to protect the typographically inaccurate. > I wonder if this person's code ever contains any bugs?] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists since the Law of } Conservation of Energy was discovered, and it was realized that food } intake alone could not possibly account for the enormous energy output } of children. Lord Kelvin wrote a famous paper on the subject, in which } he discussed various possible energy sources (photosynthesis, } atmospheric pressure changes, radioactivity), finally coming to the } conclusion that children release energy by slow gravitational } contraction. While this hypothesis did accord with much initial } experimental data (the oft-observed phenomenon that children are } smaller than actual people, for example), further calculations revealed } that in order to generate all the observed energy, a child would have } to contract to nothing within approximately two years -- and much } research on two-year-olds has revealed that this does not seem to } happen. } } The current hypothesis is that the energy of small children is } electrical in nature. In the natural environment of a child (i.e., the } living-room rug), this is continuously generated by frictional } charge-separation; however, under proper conditions, a child will seek } other sources -- hence the instinctive desire of every child to stick } its finger into electrical sockets. With the development of television, } this electrotropism is now put to use in the domestication of children, } and millions of them can be seen all over the country in front of these } handy electrical devices, quietly feeding. } } You owe the Oracle a Mighty Morphin Power-Output Meter. --- 665-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my computer keep cra And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear, looks like you have a problem with your computer. I'm not } too sure what your question is. I'll take a few guesses and answer } them, in the hope that one is right. } } >Why does my computer keep cravats in a small drawer in the machine } >room? } } Because it suffers from a rare computer personality disorder called } Edwardian CPU Syndrome. It would like nothing better than to sit in } front of a warm fire, smoking a pipe, wearing a cravat and beating the } child processes. } } >Why does my computer keep craving jelly and Marmite sandwiches? } } Because it's pregnant. Try a tunefs and banana pizza. } } >Why does my computer keep cranking up the speed so much? } } You upgraded it, and keep trying to play a CP/M version of Frogger on } your Pentium } } >Why does my computer keep crackling? } } You should have replaced the blown fuse with another fuse, not that } slice of bacon. } } >Why does my computer keep crawling? } } You downgraded from your Pentium back to your CP/M machine. } } >Why does my computer keep cranial records of all these people? } } You are a doctor who specialises in fractured skulls. Unfortunately } you were in a road accident three weeks ago and now suffer selective } amnaesia. The rest of the hospital is hoping you can cure yourself. } Try finding your own file. } } You owe the Ora