From oracle-request Thu Jun 30 15:21:09 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17297; Thu, 30 Jun 1994 15:21:09 -0500 Date: Thu, 30 Jun 1994 15:21:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #659 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 659 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #659 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 30 Jun 1994 15:21:09 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 659 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 654 81 votes 1iut3 6juk6 6fAdb ipob3 7isn5 guo83 3lona 5ipmb 4emqf 6gwgb 654 3.0 mean 3.2 3.0 3.1 2.5 3.0 2.4 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.1 --- 659-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hello > ! > 1 > q > Q And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: Paul McCartney's room at the Asher mansion, early 1967] } } STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say ! 1 q Q .... oh hell." } STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say % 4 p P .... shucks, that's no } better." STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say * 3 e E .... this is } going nowhere." } } [Paul goes to the phone] } } RING. "John, I've got this real neat tune. Listen, dee dee dah dee, } dah dee dee dah dee. I've got half the lyrics, but the second half is } a bit tricky. What's that, 'Goodbye?', John? John? Wonder what he was } saying. Still, seems to fit." } } STTRRUUMM. "You say hello, and I say goodbye. Yeah Yeah Yeah." } } STTRRUUMM. "Scrambled eggs, oh baby how I love your legs. ... brilliant } if I say so meself. Wish John hadn't insisted that I change it." } } You owe The Oracle a question that doesn't invariably lead to a "1" } answer. --- 659-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will this &*%#^& program EVER work right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Forcing a program to "work" almost never succeeds, especially if it's } the &*%#^& variety. (BTW, &*%#^& program 2.01 is notoriously buggy). } Anyway, the key to understanding a program is to find a common goal you } can achieve together. This is known as "getting with the program." } } Incidentally, computer users often unwittingly do themselves in by } using computer "commands." There's nothing a computer hates more than } being "commanded" to do anything. This requires a paradigm shift on } the part of the user: don't use commands, use requests. Use } beseechments. Beg if necessary. } } To answer the question, a &*%#^& program will never work right. Try a } little tenderness, though, and perhaps you can "get with the program." } } Another helpful tip. If your &*%#^& program won't work right, try } moving your entire platform 90 degrees counter-clockwise. This is } called getting it to work left. } } Your obedient petitioner, } David Noonan --- 659-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise One, please tell me why the country of France has had such a > turbulent political history. Does it have something to do with the > food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Turbulent? TURbulent? No, the French have had a mild history. } You have to check the Soviet's history - in and out of existance within } the same century. Or the German's Third Reich - in and out in a couple } decades (which isn't a very long "1000 year reign"). Or the Polish - } out and back in in a couple of decades. Or the Tobswians. The TobWHO? } you ask. The Tobswians. Within a five year period they had: } } 1) broke away from the Botswanians in a bloody civil war where only } ten people from both sides survived; } } 2) Formed their own country and applied to the UN for protection. } (The UN is still debating this) } } 3) Had internal strife for leadership - this was doubled by the } fact that there were TWO dictators both thinking that the other was } their servant. } } 4) Civil war erupted, destroying 80% of their population (only the } dictators survived) and 90% of their landmass (only the dictator's } private villas were left standing). } } 5) Disintegrated and were annexed by Botswania again. } } In the SECOND month, } } 6) Broke from the Botswanians. This time only one person died in } the civil war. } } 7) Applied to join the UN. (This has been put off until the UN } decides #2 above.) } } 8) Received $50,000 from the US in foreign aid } } 9) Had a big party (by himself, obviously) and spent $45,000 on it. } } 10) Due to excessive spending by the government, nobody had a revolt } and overthrew the dictator. They established a direct democracy } instead. } } 11) New government was thrown out when they could not pass their } budget through their Senate. } } 12) Disintegrated and reannexed by Botswania again. } } In the THIRD month, } } 13) Broke away from the Botswanians in favour of a dictatorship again. } One Tobswian died. } } 14) Were given 0 hectares of land for their population of 0 and } government of 0. } } 15) Botswania, tired of the above, marched on them. The army got } lost and gave up, letting Tobswia continue. The official records } say that the Tobswian snipers were too dangerous. } } 16) Immigrants to Tobswia held a big religious event in Botswania. } Claimed the land for Tobswia. Botswania's army happened upon them } on the army's way home. } } 17) National census done again. Still at zero population and 0 land. } } And it goes downhill from there. You see, France has had nothing to } compare with this. } } You owe the Oracle a more believable story for next time.... --- 659-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim@cdpsigma.demon.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle.. > > Will T$R's plans for universal corporate takeover work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rest assured, humble supplicant, they already have. } } - Advanced Oracle, 2nd Edition --- 659-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard a rumor that Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and > Adolf Hitler are playing Canasta deep within the Amazon jungle. Could > you tell me which pairs are partners, and which team is winning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, they're playing bridge. Here's their last hand . . . } } North (Elvis) } } S KQJ7 } H KJ32 } D K } C K1083 } West S 9 S 10832 East } (Hitler) H 9 H Q105 (Hoffa) } D QJ10987653 D 42 } C 94 C J752 } } S A654 } H A8764 } D A } C AQ6 } } South (Earhart) } } North-South Vulnerable. } Dealer: West } } West North East South } 4D 4NT Pass 5NT } Pass 6NT Pass Pass } Dbl Pass Pass Pass } Pass } } West leads the 5 of diamonds which is taken by dummy's ace. North } realizes one finesse has to work for the contract to come home and } decides East probably has the missing honors, due to West's pre- } emptive bid. (Of course, North thinks, West has always been known } for his preemptive bids, even when he's doesn't really have } anything; this is called the Sudentenland Gambit.) } } North comes back to hand with the four of spades, covering with } the Jack. North plays the jack of hearts, which holds when East } ducks and the four comes from the dummy. North then plays the 10 } of clubs, which east covers, and is then taken by the queen. To } come back to his hand, North plays the 6 of spades from dummy, } which West trumps with the 6 of diamonds. North explains to West } that the King takes the hand, but West counters that the rules } have now changed: he is no longer satisfied with no trump and } insists the contract be played in diamonds. He also demands to } put troops on North's side of the table. } } North looks to his partner for support, but she's no longer at the } table, Instead there are some natives who are talking about some } great white woman from the sky. He also realizes that East has } disappeared, replaced by a New York Giants beach towel. West, } meanwhile, has seized South's hand, and will, in the interest of } peace, agree to a referendum as to what suit the contract should } be played in. North, belching and adjusting his jumpsuit, agrees } to the vote. } } After a secret ballot, the final result is No Trump: 1, Diamonds: } 32. West then seizes all the clubs and herds them into a pile on } the side of table, stating he will no longer use such worthless } cards. North, knowing an incredibly tasteless analogy when he } hears one, suddenly begins to gyrate his hips to an addictive } melody which seems to come from nowhere, but everywhere. } } Six bikini clad women then emerge from the jungle carrying an } acoustic guitar which they throw to North. During the ensuing } musical number, the women enchant West with their dancing which } allows North to snag some of his cards. West, realizing North } took most of his diamonds while he was concerned with resources in } the East, begins to despair, and retreat backwards from the table, } burning the jungle around him. } } North, seizing the opportunity, runs the table to secure the baby } slam, with an overtrick. When he goes to collect his winnings } from West, he finds only a charred pile of ashes, and Geraldo } Rivera. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Win at Bridge" by Omar Sharif. --- 659-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! Please bestow upon me knowledge! A recent severe > paper cut revealed to me a startling fact: My blood tastes like > ketchup! Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is simple, really. } } Your blood tastes a bit like ketchup because it's stage blood. You } see, you're a movie character, not a real person. In fact, you're the } hero cop. There are some easy ways to verify this: } } 1) You always manage to blow away 100 bad guys without really aiming, } even though 100 sharpshooters miss you, hitting the ground all around } you. } } 2) Your partner was killed, and you're seeking revenge for his murder. } } 3) You have a hard-ass boss, who chews you out for violating } regulations all the time. } } 4) When you do have big fights, you end up with insignifcant cuts, } like your paper cut for example, and you make witty jokes about them, } for no real reason. } } 5) Your girlfriend/wife/daughter was kidnapped by the main bad guy, } and you're trying to get her back. } } 6) This whole situation will repeat itself, with only minor } variations, in a year or two. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Variety. --- 659-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisdomous Oracle of all ye survey, > > Why is water wet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORIGINAL EXPLANATION } Jurisdictions in which alcohol is illegal are said to be dry. } Jurisdictions in which alcohol is legal are said to be wet. Thus, we } see that alcohol is wet. Water has often been called "the poor man's } alcohol." This led to the widespread misconception that water is wet. } } REVISIONIST EXPLANATION } The word water is derived from the Latin word "water" (which meant FM } radio). For reasons of electrical safety, the Romans kept their waters } in dry places. For example, they never took a water into a shower. } Eventually, the word water came to mean dry. You may have } noticed that many people say "bad" to mean exceptionally good. By a } similar, linguistic process, the word water gradually reversed its } meaning, and came to mean wet. That's why water is wet. } } CIA RESPONSE } Water is wet for reasons which have been classified. Disclosure of } those reasons would endanger certain of our agents and would compromise } America's security. It is a violation of federal law to knowingly } disclose the reasons for water's wetness. This Agency is currently } conducting an extensive review of whether any of those laws and } policies should be revised. At present, those laws and policies remain } in effect. } } ACADEMIC RESPONSE } Water and wetness vary much among civilizations, cultures, countries, } epochs, sexes, sexual preferences, races, and religions. It is naively } incorrect to think that there is only one correct explanation. (In } fact, members of the Dari tribe of New Guinea would probably start } laughing if you suggested to them that water is wet.) There are many } explanations for the value judgment that water is wet, } each one varying according to its own time, place, and circumstances. } As responsible scholars, we must understand and respect the diversity } of views on this controversial issue. We at the Institute for the } Study of Water and Wetness publish a quarterly journal you may wish to } read: Proceedings of the Institute for the Study of Water and Wetness. } Our next issue will be a special issue devoted to water sports. If you } would like to be an anonymous peer reviewer for the journal, you are } welcome to apply. Anyone with a useless doctorate is eligible. The } Institute particularly solicits applications from women and minorities. } } LAWYER'S RESPONSE } My client has never expressed an opinion on the alleged wetness of } water. Any statements of his seemingly to the contrary (assuming that } there were any such statements) were intended as jocular, humorous } remarks only. Please do not contact my client any more about this } matter; instead, direct all communications to me. } } ANSWER OF HIS IMPERIAL HIGHNESS, THE ORACLE } Water's wet because I like it that way. } } You owe the Oracle lunch at the Watergate Hotel. --- 659-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oracle, please tell me if i will ever get rid of my addiction to the > internet. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Short Answer: No. } } Long Answer: } } Your entire motorcycle collection will be repossessed, your SO (and } your wife, for that matter) will leave you, two of your children will } join the Moonies, another will be arrested by the FBI for plotting } terrorist acts against BBN, and the others will turn out wierd. } } In the end, your present pizza delivery boy, as president and CEO of } IP (Internet Pizza) will become wealthy beyond his wildest dreams and } feel he owes it all to you for your suggestion that he get an Internet } address. He will give you T3 access to the Internet and free pizzas } and Coke, and you'll flame away comfortably into your middle age as } your body deteriorates, oblivious to the physical world around you. } } You owe The Oracle a large, whole wheat, thick crust pizza with } mushroom, sausage, pepperoni, onion, green pepper, black olive, ham, } pineapple and anchovy toppings, a large Coke, and your T1 connection. --- 659-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just what exactly _does_ Frank Purdue do to make a tender chicken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The almighty Oracle has looked into your question and found your } answer: perforation. Yes, folks, that's right, "tender" chicken isn't } actually tender at all! It just seems that way, because of the } perforation. Hell, we could probably eat vitamin-enriched bricks if } they were perforated enough. } } See, back in 1984, when Frank Purdue himself decided there was demand } for a "holy" chicken (get it? "holy?" ah, never mind), Perdue Chicken } poured over fifteen million dollars into perforation studies. This was } back before they had the Per-fo-matic automatic chicken perforator, and } had to hire dozens and dozens of asian women at starvation wages to } poke the chickens with very small needles. These women worked day and } night, often the sole underpaid supporters of extended families of up } to fourteen people, developing and perfecting the perfectly tenderized } and perforated chicken. } } Think about all the blood, sweat, and holes that went into developing } the morsels that you put into your hungry little mouth, next time you } sit down to a chicken dinner. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The New American Vegetarian Cookbook, 4th } Edition". --- 659-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > whether history follows the form > of a circle, > a line, > a gyre, > or a tire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } History follows the form of a three-dimensional, cylindrical } googleplexon. } } That is, if you look at it straight on, you would see a polygon with a } googleplex sides. (A googleplex is a 1 followed by a google zeros. A } google is a 1 followed by 100 zeros.) It is VERY circular, but yet it } has neainfinite bumps to it, not being quite a smooth circle. But, if } you look at it from the side, it never actually lands directly on } itself so as to show it not quite repeating, but being very close. } } History also makes a good slinky. } } You owe the Oracle a ... hey, I lost my slinky, you owe me a new one.