From oracle-request Wed Apr 27 15:45:18 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA13534; Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:45:18 -0500 Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:45:18 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #646 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 646 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #646 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:45:18 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 646 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 641 94 votes 3nxnc 9ruia bhose upo87 klvg6 jFs42 9vtj6 3axpn 28jmH alrqa 641 3.0 mean 3.2 2.9 3.2 2.3 2.6 2.2 2.8 3.6 4.0 3.1 --- 646-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most linguistic & linguine-loving Oracle, > > Why must there be so many languages in the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } People find the need to think of new ways of asking: } You have a beautiful farm. May I sleep with your daughter? } and the language naturally follows. } } You owe the Oracle a new farm, with all the trimmings. --- 646-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the internet is a tool of the devil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No!!! There isn't } any way the } life- blood of the } computer geeks of the world } is a tool of satan. If it were, } by now you would have seen } some kind of sign. Just look } around! Nothing strange } to see at all, spud. } } You owe the Oracle a mechanical alarm clock, a copy of Cooking with } Carol Channing, and one of those cute dog-shaped candles with sad eyes. --- 646-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What in the world is a 'Script of the Green Card Lottery'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a form of chain mail where you send out 9000 messages and } get 30,000 in return. It's illegal for everyone except lawyers. --- 646-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, my first time to use the Oracle... I'm searching for two > databases I have heard of referring to obtaining scholarships/grants... > I've used Gopher/Veronica as well as the WWW with little success... I > have managed to find the address to one of the databases, IRIS > (uxh.cso.uiuc.edu) but I have not figured what to log in as... The > other database I have been told about is knows as "Stanford University > Scholarships and Fellowships File"... I gophered all over the Stanford > area looking for this one, no luck... Anything you can do to point me > in the right direction would be greatly appreciated... TIA > > TA/DA/BE/DH - Peace And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usually the great and mighty Oracle requires a grovel, } but since you are a neopthye, and yet unknowing of the } customs of the Oracle, I will forgo the usual zot. } } You should have put Archie on top of Veronica } and logged in as Jughead. The password is sugar sugar. } } And as far as Stanford goes, I hear that they are out } of business. They were annexed by UCLA. --- 646-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Seduction? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INTERIOR -- A MANSION. } } CLOSE-UP on a woman's hand which is on a bottle of perfume. In the } background, out of focus, is a blue glowing rectangle. We hear a } tapping sound. } } WOMAN } Seduction. The one way. } } Focus changes to show that in the background is a rather non-descript } terminal. A man sits at it, typing. His eyes are glazed over, he is } roughly shaven, and he pays no attention to the woman. } } Cut to the lower half of the woman's face. } } WOMAN } Seduction. The only way. } } The camera pulls back to show her upper torso as she strides } confidently towards the man. She places her hand on his shoulder. He } does not move except to continue typing. } } Close-up on her hand, reaching for a bottle of perfume. She sprays it } across the man's face. He sneezes. } } WOMAN } Seduction. } } VOICE-OVER } Sometimes it's the only way... } to get his attention. } } Camera follows the man's hand as he wipes his nose, then resumes } typing. Then the camera cuts to the woman's face. } } WOMAN } Dammit! } } Blackout. On-screen the word "Seduction". } } VOICE-OVER } It may not always work... } but, hey, it was worth a try. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Joey Buttafuoco's "Lolita". --- 646-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you like Mondays? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Every Monday, Oracle is halted, and put into single-supplicant mode, } and then rebooted. This done in order to remove those few supplicant } processes that refuse to ZOT! (also known as zombie-supplicants). } The whole procedure takes only a minute or two. } } Do I like Mondays? } No, Mondays always bring me down. --- 646-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You want fries with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you must be aware, the question you have so bluntly put forward is } one that has toubled many great thinkers for centuries. Whether it is } better to be ruled by the instinctive urge to devour cholesterol-packed } food substances, or to abstain and not have a heart attack? } } It is said that many years ago when a certain great philosopher was } offered a plate of grease-laden fried tubers, he found himself so } completely unable to deal with the tremendous implications of the } situation that he gave up philosophy completely and was later seen } working as a turnip farmer. } } Yet a question so profound cannot slip through the grasp of The } Oracle's infinite clairvoyance. } } So I give you your answer. } } YES GIVE ME THE FRIES } } Not that The Oracle has any intention of consuming this vile food } product. Rather the oil pressed from it will serve quite niceley to } light The Oracle's Lamp of Infinite Knowledge for a great many weeks, } as well as to fuel the power generator for The Oracle's Computer of } Grandiose Wisdom and Internet Connectivity. } } You owe The Oracle one tofu burger. --- 646-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous and spiffy Oracle, who's inner light is brighter than > the counter at Krispy Kream Doughnuts; please oh please, enlighten > this earnest seeker. > > Okay, I have the power glove on my right hand and a tube of Jiffy > Lube in my left. I'm wearing the virtual reality goggles and I've got > the cuff on my thingy. I can see Claudia Schiffer in front of me, but > when my mom starts running the vacuum cleaner she turns into Larry > Holmes. What do I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracular Consumer Watch Action Group (OCWAG) investigated your } complaint by contacting SexSoRealCo. Their spokesmodel, "Buffy" } LaTour, gave the following written statement: } } x x x } 15 April } From: SexSoRealCo. "Makers of Fine 'Experiences'" } To: OCWAG; c/o The Usenet Oracle } } Dear Sirs: } All of SexSoRealCo.'s products have built-in DePrivacyGuard(tm) } algorithms, which, when activated by sounds obviously not generated } by the user (a door opening, somebody else's voice, etc.) remove } the active simulation and replace it with a non-sexually related } one, in order to protect the user's privacy and health. } This guard of one's actions was first developed for various } computer games, to allow the players to seem to be doing productive } work when a supervisor was present, but it had to be manually } activated. The DePrivacyGuard(tm) is fully automated, an asset } which allows the user to concentrate on his action at hand. It cannot } be overridden, but has the advantage of detecting intrusions before } the user might. } The scene from the LarryHolmesTron(tm) is the pilot software product } of our affiliated venture, RealLiveSportsCo. Researchers have found } the LarryHolmesTron(tm) and similar high-intensity sports simulators } to relieve stress in the workplace, and can be found in the board } rooms and gymnasiums of many Fortune 500 corporations. We are very } proud of this new venture, and I hope your client can understand our } desire to include promotional demos of it in our products. } However, there have been understandable complaints about the reaction } sensitivity of the DePrivacyGuard(tm), which SexSoRealCo. has addressed } with revision 1.3. The revision offers an adjustable sensitivity } threshold, ranging from nonresponsive to extrasensitive. Upgrades for } the ClaudiaSchifferTron(tm) are available to users who mail in the } cover of their current manual along with $28 for shipping and handling } (add $12 for RUSH service, $15 for guaranteed delivery, $11 for fast } check clearance, and $23 for PrivacySecured(tm) packaging). } We apologise for any inconvenience caused to your client, and hope } that in the future we can satisfy him fully. } Hugs, } "Buffy" LaTour --- 646-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, I beg of you, share your wisdom with me. > > Not long ago, I had the opportunity to participate in an architectural > expedition in an ancient part of New England. > > We excavated a high tor and found beneath it a room full of dusty > scraps of paper, and on the wall, an inscription, which we eventually > deciphered. It read: > > "In two rooms full of typography, In downtown Boston, dread Kibo sits > grepping." > > What, oh mighty Oracle, does this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kibo was of three newsgroups, } Like a FAQ } In which there are three keywords. } } Kibo whirled in binary spurts. } It was a small part of the internet. } } A user and a moderator } Are one. } A user, a moderator, and Kibo } Are one. } } Kibo knew which to prefer, } The flattery of omnipresence } Or the cheapness of overexposure. } Cyberrecognition } Or cyberscorn. } } Netlag filled the 23x81 screen } With barbaric line noise. } The keyword Kibo } Crossed it, to and fro. } The flamers } cursing indecipherably } Felt unquenchable envy. } } O skinny adolescents at keyboards, } Why do you imagine windowed interfaces? } Do you not see how Kibo } Trips the light fandango } With mere Unix commands? } } I know how to compose diacriticals } Or telnet to sites in Finland. } But I know, too, } That Kibo is involved } In what I know. } } When Kibo flew out of sight } Others lurked on his behalf } On the edges of many circles. } } The Net is expanding. } Kibo must be grepping. } } Rough music rattled Sprintnet. } Information was flowing } And information was going to flow. } Kibo lurked } In the cyberspace. } } You owe the Oracle no possum, no sop, and no taters. --- 646-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To be or not to be. > > (That is the question) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DEC/Oracle Marketing Survey: 17-April-94 } } I N V O I C E } } To testing questionnaire over 10,000 ABC1 in Manchester Market Street. } } To being or not being. $2500.00. } To suffering slings and arrows. $3200.47. } To outrageous fortune. $ 57.86 each-way on Digsby } in 3:30 Chepstow. Came 4th. } To sleeping (dreams extra). FOC } To dreams $1082.46. } To Magic Candles (never go out). $ 0.46. } To poor players' wages $ 0.02. } To floodlighting for walking shadows $ 382.47. } To sound effects. $1092.32. } } TOTAL $8315.97 + VAT. } ====================================================================== } } Results: } } 95% people were, 2% of people were not, and 3% didn't know. 57% people } suffered, of which 32% were wearing slings, and 1% arrows (an escaped } prisoner). } } 24% of people had been to an off-course bookmaker within the last 7 } days, of which 86% said fortune was outrageous, 25% said you win some, } you lose some, and 4% said they paid the tax before. 3% said you } should always back top weight in a handicap. } } 57% of people had dreams while they were asleep, 12% while they were } not asleep, and 16% did not dream. The remainder were dreaming when } we asked them and we did not feel it fair to disturb them. } } The poor players were cheap but dreadful. Consulting our solicitors } it seems that we would be unlikely to win a case in Chancery on the } grounds of infringement of the Trade Descriptions Act. } } As for stage effects, these were expensive but dreadful. Still, we } have to make our profit somehow don't we? } } Please settle promptly as a ghostly visit at dinner often offends. } } Yours } } pp. Oracle Market Survey Inc.