From oracle-request Tue Dec 21 09:35:26 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00519; Tue, 21 Dec 1993 09:35:26 -0500 Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 09:35:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #614 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 614 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #614 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1993 09:35:26 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 614 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 609 61 votes 5bng6 agid4 aoi63 67ndc 5bhhb 26eli 8hja7 brf53 5hm98 8jff4 609 3.0 mean 3.1 2.8 2.5 3.3 3.3 3.8 2.9 2.4 3.0 2.8 --- 614-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I mail this to the Oracle ten times, how many times will it > get into the Oracular digest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally, I would say not even once, but (as you have no } doubt noticed) lately strange things have been happening } with the digest; the same question was in Oracularities 612 } three times with 3 different answers, for example. } } Clearly, your *real* question is "what's going on?", and you } have wisely chosen to ask Me. Rather than bore you with the } true story (which involves a case split personality } afflicting Steve Kinzler's evil twin after being assaulted } by a pack of rabid lemurs), I shall condescend to make up } one of those fake explanations so dearly beloved by the } Oracularities voters. } } What happened was this: I received a rather heart-wrenching } letter from a twelve-year-old boy in Scotland, who was } stricken by a terminal illness, but who wished to appear in } the Oracularities many times before he died. } } Now, you must understand that, although my power is great, } it is subject to several self-imposed limits. Chief among } these limits is that when I condescend to answer a question } personally (as you know, most of the time your questions get } remailed to other supplicants who have lots of fun } pretending to be me as they answer them), that answer shall } not appear in the Oracularities. It wouldn't be fair. } All *my* answers would get scores of 5.0, which would } discourage the mortals. (By the way, this is why when you } get a Really Good Answer, the Priests don't pick it. Now you } know.) } } Therefore, I could not simply compose a question and an } answer, attribute them to the poor boy, and arrange for them } to appear in the Digest... } } That is why I composed the "why do birds sing" query, and } modified the Oracle software so that every question sent out } for the period of 24 hours would be the same question, with } the doomed boy's return address. } } I must say, the Incarnations were rather disappointing in } their answers, with only three of them getting chosen for } the Digest; and not one of them thought of the idea that } different birds sing different songs for different reasons } (bluebirds sing the blues, cardinals hymns, canaries rat on } Michael Jackson, ostriches sing arias from famous Australian } operas, and so forth). } } You owe the Oracle three askmes. --- 614-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, Oracle old chappie, > > When one goes flying one is always a little concerned that the old > aeroplane might just choose to drop out of the sky. > > So, is there any way one can get a ticket for the black box flight > recorder as they always seem to survive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course, my insolent young chippie off the old blockie... } } There is almost always availability in the black box section of the } airplane. However, few moral humans have ever found a way to use their } tickets. The All-knowing, All-seeing, All-alling Oracle has no } difficulty getting into the 1/4" x 1/4" inch seat. Then again, I'm } never particularly worried about crashing. I'm just there to any } foolish and insolent inquisitors. Flying is in fact safer than driving, } statistically, but if you want to know you can get tickets in the glove } compartment of a car, too. Same seating restrictions apply. Tough. } } You owe me five good reasons not to you. 47-53 words each. By } Wednesday. Typed. --- 614-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle > Who knows the number of stars in the sky > And the number of grains of sand on the beach > And blesses mere mortals such as myself > With the shining glory of your wisdom > > Tell me oh great one > Why is it that Santa Claus > A man associated with goodness and generosity > Wears red > A colour associated with stopping and evil and anger and beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there, } First Oracular consort here (Orrie just wandered off to the } little deity's room to catch up on his reading). } I'm in a really good mood now, so why don't I let you in on a } little secret?! That outfit, with the red crushed velvet coat and the } puffy ermine trim, the pointy red cap with a cute pompom on the end, } and the supple black leather riding boots and tight fitting breeches, } that was, uh, well, sort of my idea. It was in a catalogue so I } thought to myself that it would make a terrific gift for a man so, as } you say, *good*. And *generous*. Trust me, I know. } Let's just say we keep this between you, me, and Nick, now, } won't you dear? I'll see to it you get something nice in your } stocking this Christmas. } } Lisa --- 614-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll answer if you feed me. --- 614-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh Oracle, what should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for > Christmas? What do you buy fr And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two questions with but a single grovel. And not much of a grovel at } that. 'Oracle, oh Oracle'? Why not just call me a worthless stinking } fleabag and have done with it? Hey, let's spread a little Christmas } cheer here. I suppose I have to supply my own honorific this time. } } "The Wondrous and Gracious Oracle Deigns to Answer your Questions" } } 1)What should I get my Grandmother's boyfriend for Christmas? } Not having a Grandmother myself, or indeed any corporeal relations } as I am somewhat of an abstract ideal, I cannot speak with personal } experience of them. I believe a friend of mine (Zeus? or was it Thor? } one of the bearded chaps in Olympus, anyway) once possessed such a } Creature. 'Twas at the end of the Time of Chaos, when Titans and Gods } had been locked in mortal (silly me, I meant _immortal_) combat for } millenia, and Zeus (or Woden, or perhaps it was Bob, God of things } rhyming with the word 'Squirrel') spent his time creating new and } ever more bizarre life forms with which the battle would be fought. } One day in his tower, he attempted a new spell combination, and } from the primal vat was corporealised a short, wizened old lady, } clutching a handbag protectively before her and muttering 'I was } in the War you know, Sonny'. Zeus replied with the witticism that } irresistably suggested itself, vis: 'Sod off, you scabby old bat', } and chucked her back into the slime. And that was that. Sorry, I've } completely forgotten your original question. } } 2)What do you get fr? } Now you're just being silly. } } You owe the Oracle a knitted jumper (two sizes too large), a pair of } thermal socks, and a word processor that doesn't cut off your last sen --- 614-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi. My friend just used ftp via email to get DOOM. > UUENCODED and about 2.6 Mbytes. Server sent it in > 48 kbytes pieces (sorry about grammar). Now he received > message with subject Part 31 of 66 and he happened > to delete it in accident. We use 2400 bps modem > with usual rate about 100. Any ideas ? There are > 20 parts more to come. Neat, ah :-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go ahead and download the rest and then decode it. DOOM will run } just fine, except for a small gap in one of the more obscure } overlay files. You'll be able to play the game as normal except } for a few small discrepancies that you'll easily get used to: } } * The soundtrack will consist of Johann Strauss waltzes. } } * The Balrog on Level 9 is now named Bruce. Instead of trying } to kill you he will try to sell you aluminum siding. } } * The password you need to emerge from the Mines of Doom on } Level 14 is "have a nice day". } } * Every twenty minutes the screen will lock up for fifteen seconds } with the current display replaced by a banner reading, "SHOULDN'T } YOU BE DOING YOUR HOMEWORK?" } } No, they're not bugs--they're features! --- 614-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, > Seer of the Internet, > deeper thinker than the Shodan, > the world Grandmaster, > and the Princeton Mathematics department combined, > Knower of more Secrets than even the new Secretary of Defense, > able to access more data faster than any mere database, > I beg you to tell me: > > Does the new year have something special in store for me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A Month-by-Month Look at The New Year } } JANUARY A famous and beautiful starlet (whose identity will } remain secret in order not to ruin the surprise) will land in } your backyard after a publicity stunt involving a } parachute goes awry. You will have to cut her out of her } skin-tight jumpsuit to save her life. She will be very } thankful-- VERY. } } FEBRUARY In a bizarre political accident, you will be elected } President of the Commonwealth of Independent States. You } will, of course, apologetically turn down the post. The } ex-Soviets, undaunted, will move their capitol to Topeka, } Kansas, despite protests by the US Government. } } MARCH You win $50 bucks in Lotto. } } APRIL A coup d'etet in the CIS will be successful, eliminating } your unwanted post. Unfortunately, the people, now } completely confused by so much political upheaval, will } mistake you for a Hero of the Revolution, and place the } revolutionary capitol in Topeka, Kansas. } } MAY You find your old copy of "The Phantom Tollbooth" in the } back of a closet and rediscover a classic. } } JUNE The starlet you rescued in January returns and tells you } that she circled the globe, looking for a lover who was as } honest and caring as you were, but to no avail. She moves } in with you. } } JULY A stray bottle rocket you fire flies out of control and } hits an actor playing Barney the Dinosaur on live } television. 45 million children watch as the Purple } Menace bursts into flames. } } AUGUST In a landmark election, completely free of violence } or corruption, UN-supervised balloting declares you Premier } of the VBNA (Very Big Nation in Asia). Beating everyone to } the punch, you declare that you're moving the capitol to } Topeka, Kansas. } } SEPTEMBER Bill Gates, driving his unregistered Porsche, slams into } your '88 Chrysler Cordoba. He pays you one billion } dollars to keep you quiet. } } OCTOBER The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas announces that tax } revenues are up 4,432,752% from the previous year. } } NOVEMBER When you learn how much the Premier of the VBNA is } expected to earn, you quit your lousy job and move to } Topeka, Kansas with your new wife, the Oscar-winning } super-actress. } } DECEMBER The Barney the Dinosaur show on PBS is canceled. --- 614-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did the comedian Sam Kinison go to heaven or hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sam Kinison was a pretty nasty fellow, according to those goody-goodies } over at Disposition. So they sent him to Heaven. } } For Sam, THAT'S Hell. Major Hell. Could you just imagine him dealing } with billions of harp players? --- 614-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of Oracles, who doesn't go crazy for Co-co puffs or Frank > Zappa Records: > > What is the best way to kill Barney? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell Fred that he is fooling around with Wilma. --- 614-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > please tell me why I cant telnet to y1.sdsc.edu > the ip number is 132.249.10.1 > > please tell me who I can find my friends email address. > He works at bell labs in ohio and his name is Hank Modnar. > > elias > > [ Names have been changed to protect the innocent. -ed ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Elias, you currently inhabit a universe in which the machine } called y1.sdsc.edu does not exist. Which is probably just as well, } since in the universe where the machine does exist, Pat Boone has been } President for 14 years now. In _your_ universe, the IP address } 132.249.10.1 is assigned to an old IBM PC belonging to Serdar Argic; } the reason you can't get to it is that most of the time, it is running } a self-booting, pirated copy of Zork III. } } In order to obtain your friend's e-mail address, the Oracle sagely } advises that you: } } telnet to rs.internic.net } } and then: } } type "whois" } } and next, } } type "dom bell" } } You will now see that this command does not give you a domain for Bell } Labs, let alone for Bell Labs in Ohio. } } But don't despair. There's more. } } Now you need to type "quit" twice, since the InterNIC requires strict } adherence to ritual. } } Next, you should call up your newsreader, and crosspost to as many } groups as possible, preferably including alt.config, news.groups, } news.admin, alt.flame, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh, alt.folklore.urban, } alt.peeves, alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine, soc.motss, alt.fan.lemurs, } alt.personals.bondage, alt.ted.frank.troll.troll.troll, alt.discordia, } alt.revisionism, alt.exploding.kibo, and alt.religion.kibology, a post } that makes the following request: } } Oh great LEADER KiBo, O wi$e and LEARNED leaDer kibO, O seXXXy and } wonderful LEADER KIBO, O BENEvoLENT and munifiCENT architeCt of } HappyNet, PLEA$E iMPART tO mE yOUR sAGE wI$DOM! and tellme what hank } modnars at bell labs in ohios email adress is! } } Be sure to mention Vicki Robinson in your .sig. This part is very } important. } } Next, you must display a GIF of Sam Kinison on your monitor, get up } from your chair, and draw a pentagram using your own blood on the } floor. Draw a circle around the pentagram, and place a single black } candle, lit, at each point of the pentagram. Stand in the middle of } the pentagram and chant "I _do_ believe in ghosts! I _do_ believe in } ghosts! I _do_ believe in ghosts!" } } Then, pick up your phone, call Hank Modnar, and ask him for his } e-mail address. } } Done in the proper order, these actions _should_ yield the proper } result. Attention to detail is necessary. } } You owe the Oracle a shave and a haircut, or two bits, whichever comes } first. Void where prohibited.