From oracle-request Thu Sep 30 19:57:39 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02800; Thu, 30 Sep 1993 19:57:39 -0500 Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1993 19:57:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #595 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 595 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #595 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1993 19:57:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 595 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 590 51 votes 3fgf2 4hi93 3di98 3bgf6 4mh53 4mi43 3dcda 3dkd2 28ih6 5dm92 590 3.0 mean 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.2 2.6 2.6 3.3 3.0 3.3 2.8 --- 595-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have nothing to do tonight and I feel so alone. > Can you help me, please?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For this evening's text, the Oracle takes not some fragment of } scripture, but instead the question: } } "I have nothing to do tonight, and feel so alone. } Can you help me please?!" } } How can we avoid stepping down this path, and what help can we } offer the questioner? The question speaks of "nothing", the } basic metaphysical emptiness, the gaping abyss in the heart of } being. The questioner *has* "nothing", a remarkable } achievement, the possession of the abyss. This confers great } power. The phrase "to do tonight" reflects the essential } temporality that makes up humanity's essence, and the } questioner's ability to hold together these two great polar } opposites, human temporality and the abyss, suggests that the } questioner has deep reserves of power and understanding, and } that the world is no more a puzzle to him or her as a simple } lock and key is to the rest of us. } } Yet the questioner also feels "so alone". Can this surprise us } - does the Nietzschean Uebermensch feel part of the crowd? No, } the questioner must live in the rarefied air and society of the } innate superiority in the Questioner's possesion, and leave } behind the petty wranglings and dealings of this all too human } earth. } } "Can you help me please?!" is a riddle, a good-natured taunting } from the infinite good humor and good will of the questioner, } who delights in the pleasure and pain that this new maturity has } conferred - the mixed punctuation almost gives it away! How } could we help this superior being? The Questioner's laughter } rings out over the mountains and valleys, and we can only hope } to aspire to the same condition. } } Having said this, the Oracle wishes to acknowledge that the } phrase admits of another, less inspiring interpretation. If } this weaker interpretation holds, the Oracle suggests that the } Questioner (or should we say "Complainer") had better take all } their money out of the bank and rush quick as a bunny to } wherever it is that one can purchase a life. Stop whining to } the Oracle, we have our own problems getting dates. Sheesh. --- 595-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I do not understand my lectures. I do not understand the journal > articles I read. I attend academic parties where even the Brie does > not make sense. Yesterday a philosopher propounded "Yes, it is just as > Heidegger said: Language is the House of Being." > > O Most Munificent Oracle > tell me -- if Language is the House of Being, who's the landlord? And > who's paying the rent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who is the landlord of the Queen's English? Why, the Queen, of } course. Over the last several centuries of steady erosion of the } powers of the English Monarch, the one political power which has } remained is authority over the English language. The ability to } delete words has deflected the course of history many times. } Unfortunately, since you no longer have the necessary words, you } can no longer understand the concepts you have lost. The only place } you can find an indication of the missing words is in song or rhyme, } where nonsense syllables are sometimes inserted to preserve the } rhythm. For instance: } } Deck the halls with boughs of holly, } Fa la la la la, la la la la. } } Or: } } Rub a dub dub, } Three men in a tub. } } Who in this day knows what fa la la and rub a dub actually mean? Why } were their meanings removed? Are they politically dangerous ideas, or } are they moral perversions? What were the three men in a tub doing? } What does holly symbolize? (Well, I know, of course, but I can no } longer explain it to you in English.) } } You owe the Oracle a rub a dub dub. --- 595-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What...is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } African or.... } } No no no... that would be far too easy... and, although you're } clearly the type of person who would address someone as mighty as the } Usenet Oracle without even a decent grovel I shall answer not the } question you asked (as I sense you already know the answer) but the } questions you meant to ask but sublimated because you were too afraid } and/or repressed. } } Ready? Here goes... } } 1) I'm afraid not... she associates you too strongly with greasy } hair and dandruff-flecked glasses. As they say in the shampoo } adverts `First impressions last'. Forget her. } } 2) It's a perfectly normal boil caused by poor hygene and should } subside within the week if you don't squeeze it. } } 3) Aged 25 - it will be a great disappointment to both you and your } partner. She will later sober up and regret it. } } 4) About average really - a little on the small side but it's never } going to be too much of a problem. } } 5) No chance of a revival - he will remain famous for writing } `American Pie' but that's it. Your taste in music will never be shared } by the masses. } } 6) Not spectacularly but comfortably well off through your steady job } in Cost Accountancy (sorry). } } 7) Not really but you will be interviewed as part of a televised } investigation into mal-practice by orthodontists. You will actually be } shown for approximately five seconds (but will have been heavily } air-brushed and be shown in soft-focus). Your mom will video it. This } is the height of your fame. } } 8) They will never reform for another series, the death of Mr. } Chapman and the desire not to become stuck in a rut will prevent this. } Also they are slightly embarrassed by the semi-religious recital of } their material by devoted fans and more embarrassed by the general } bespectacled and bedandruffed nature of these cultists. } } I hope this experience has enriched your life. Next time, don't feel } embarrassed to ask the oracle about what's really on your mind. And } don't forget the grovel, bozo. --- 595-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle has no questions to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle requires an question to this answer! --- 595-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and oscillating Oracle, whose nose-hairs could circle Jupiter > twice and still have enough length left over to rappel off of a largish > cliff, please answer this question for your humble supplicant: > > As a Southern Conservative from Alabama who supports the NRA, Rush > Limbaugh, and all other conservative causes such as the expedient > impeachment of Hillary ... uh, I mean Bill, should I run for the > Presidency in 1996? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very nicely grovelled. You will obviously go far in politics. Now } please, dust off your knees and stand. Also, you can improve your } grovel by changing "largish cliff" to "Rush Limbaugh." } } The answer to your question is: No. You should walk. It's much } more dignified, and with people like Rush touting themselves as the } bastion of conservatism, you'll need all the dignity you can get. } And forget about impeaching Billary...you can only impeach a } President for criminal activities, and there is no law against } ineptitude or stupidity. } } Having said that, allow me to make the following recommendations for } appointed posts (should you win. I'm not telling until you ask me): } } Veteran's Admistration Jane Fonda } Drug Czar Marion Barry } Housing & Urban Development Leona Helmsley } Transportation Ted Kennedy } Education Dan Quayle } Health Dr. Kevorkian & Magic Johnson } CIA H. Ross Perot } NASA Jerry Brown } Family Values Woody Allen } Speaker of the House Adm. Stockdale } Chiefs of Protocol Roseanne Barr & Rush Limbaugh (they } might be the same person) } FBI John Gotti } Labor Murphy Brown } White House Staff Gennifer Flowers } } You can't go wrong with a lineup like that. } } You owe the Oracle. Don't forget it. --- 595-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All is dark and silent at Oracle Headquarters. The Oracle } Himself has gone home for the evening, the Priests have been } locked in their cages, and the doors locked, the windows } shuttered, the lights extinguished. } } All is dark, that is, except in one hallway, where a person } clad in shapeless overalls mops the floor, whistling tunelessly, } staring vacantly. } } All else is silent, until a terminal in a Priestly cubicle } begins to beep. The Priest *should* have logged off and } powered down, but you know how Priests are... } } Kinzler hears the beeping, and shambles towards its source. } He's been told, time and time again, not to answer these } calls, but you know how Sysadmins are... } } The keyrings affixed to his belt give off a fiendish clanking } noise as he wends his weary way towards the terminal. The } clanking of the keys, the tuneless whistling, and the } beeping, are the music of this night. } } He arrives at the terminal, and reads: } } > ? } } "Golly!", he soliloquizes, "the Question ain't a-printin out! } I'd best be fixin this here terminal afore the boys comes in } fer the mornin shift!" } } He grabs a screwdriver from the back pocket of his overalls } and reaches for the rear of the terminal. Moments later, } there is a cacophany of coruscading sparks, and a charred } figure falls inert to the floor. } } The tragedy is discovered the next morning, and all Oracular } operations are suspended for a week. } } Millions of supplicants, deprived of their customary witty } answers, despondently throw themselves beneath the wheels of } speeding prams. } } Streetcleaners, disgusted at the mess, go on strike. All } metropolitan streets become impassable, workers cannot } commute to their jobs, and the wheels of industry grind to a } halt. The Market crashes, brokers from their windows fall, } and civilization comes to an end. } } No, supplicant, this hasn't happened, for now at least it's } just a parable, a story that warns of what *could* happen if } you're not more careful with your Questions. } } You owe the Oracle a thousand-line Question, written in } heroic couplets, with no misspellings, but with at least } three puns in every line. --- 595-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose wit, nostalgia raises to even higher levels than that > apparent today. > > Please tell me: > > Why do office supplies come in waves? > What I mean is, last month I had no biros on my desk. Today, at the > last count I had nine. And I can't remember getting any from the > stationary cupboard. A similar thing, but negative has happened with > erasers, scissors have remained steady, but no sightings of staplers > have been made for some months. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Office supply companies long ago found that unless they did } something about the natural breeding rate of common office supplies, } that like the wire coat hanger manufacturers of old, they would soon } be unneeded. Offices could just put a few pens into a quiet drawer, } come back in a few months, and have enough to cover needs for another } few months. } Modern Science was called in and soon found the answer. The } genetic code in most supplies could be tampered with, causing hormonal } imbalance and missed breeding periods. Those supplies that could } not be manipulated were replaced with other items which had shorter } lifetimes or breeding defects or some other method of reducing what } they called 'in the field reproduction' } } TO use some of your examples: Biros replace the old fountain pens, } since it's common knowledge that like burros, biros are mostly sterile. } Scissors usually have been rendered infertile via vasectomy (two quick } snips and it's all over) Staplers are a problem, since they are } normally very hungry and even resort to cannibalism if they do not get } enough metal in their diet. The Oracle suggests a few extra staples } (just basic staples) a day and your staplers won't be forced to eat } each other. } } You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of paper clips and a herd of Post-it } notes. --- 595-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, wisest of all the Masters, > who has lived in the Eternal Now > for more years than there are hands clapping, > > There's a lot of spiritual malaise going around these days; > how can I have safe satori? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... neat grovel - no chance of sneaking out of answering this } one... so here's the relevant leaflet. } } International Bank of Bhudda } } Searching for satori... then look no further. } } "A monk aproached Joshu and asked `Master, in these uncertain } times, how may I save satori'. Joshu replied `Have you finished } your rice porridge.' The monk responded that he had and Joshu } then said `Well, just nip down to the village with this cash-card } and get me $10 - I bank with IBB' " - Zen koan (circa 1993) } } IBB, serving your banking and spiritual needs throughout the cycles } of birth and rebirth. Just look at all the features... } } . Thanks to our non-cartesian banking you can spend your money and } save it simultaneously } } . Instant printouts of both cash and karmic balance } } . The only bank that will pass your account details on to your next } reincarnation } } . Worried about tearing open that delicate third eye - our insurance } policy with both cover and not cover it for you } } . Forever losing that hard-won satori - it'll be fine in our } spiritual strong-boxes. } } . Plan that path to enlightenment with our spiritual financier. } } . Mu } } Other leaflets available in our "Religion and commerce for proffit } and prophet" series } } Moonie-matic laundry services - washes your clothes as thoroughly as } your mind. } } Voodoo cult life insurance - you only live twice. } } Jehovah's attourneys - no longer content to merely witness. } } VMS and the Catholic Church - why wait 'till hell to suffer. --- 595-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, I found this story in an old book, but the last > page was missing. Can you in your infinite wisdom tell me how the > story ends? > > Once upon a time, there lived in the forests of Lemmingland a tribe of > fierce warriors. They were called the violems, for they were utterly > violent. > [here there were a drawing of one lem > frying another with a flamethrower] > > After centuries of beating, shooting, chopping, torturing, > slaughtering, frying, eating, boiling, burying, drowning, crushing and > just plain killing eachother, there were but 35 left of them, so they > decided to stop fighting eachother and find someone else to kill > instead. Thus, the Lemmings went to war. > > Oh oracle, what happens then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They traveled and traveled, climbing mountains, fording streams, trying } to find dreams. Eventually, they found themselves on some very high } cliffs overlooking the water. Perceiving it as a possible enemy } (violems were not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier), the leaders } yelled, "Charge!!" } } A tide of lems (well, thirty-five seems like a tide when they're all } running at you squeaking at the top of their lungs) zipped up the hill } and plunged off the edge of the cliffs. To their dismay, the water's } only means of defense was to come at them with increible speed and get } very cold. } } Lems, besides being a little thick, sink like stones in armor. Two of } them were knocked clean out of their armor by the force of the } collision, and swam frantically away from the cliffs. After a day or } two they reached the land on the other side and promptly swore off } battle for good. } } They founded a little town, which they called Lemminster (of course, } the people who moved there later changed the spelling so it looked } completely different; who wants to admit they're living in a town } founded by Lems?). } } You owe the Oracle some Lem stew. With onions. --- 595-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Stupid Oracle, never smart like he's s'posed to be, always copying > someone else's ideas, what can I do about my tendency to make people > hate me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good boys and girls say "please" and "thank you," and refrain from } using words like "stupid" and "hate." Your problem is not one of } borderline personality disorder, or body odor, but rather one of } semantics. The Oracle will resolve your question by restating it. } } For example, don't think of the Oracle as "stupid," but as "diverse." } "Never smart" becomes "occasionally blonde," "copying someone else's } ideas" becomes "deriving insight from the contributions of others." } Don't think in terms of people hating you, but rather of "cultural } insensitivity" on their part. } } The Oracle will now restate your question in the proper context: } } > O Golden Haired One, whose insight springs from the masses, how } > can I deal effectively with the cultural insensitivity of others'? } } The Oracle will not deprive you the intellectual stimulus of answering } your own question, now that it has been stated in the proper context.