From oracle-request Mon Aug 23 17:28:09 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22819; Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:28:09 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:28:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #587 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 587 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #587 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1993 17:28:09 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 587 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 582 62 votes bfnc1 6knb2 67eel 97dhg 7jkb5 jpb52 18nka 24egq kjj31 396hr 582 3.1 mean 2.6 2.7 3.6 3.4 2.8 2.1 3.5 4.0 2.1 3.9 --- 587-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and all knowing Oracle, I have noticed that my dog twirls > around in a clockwise circle before laying down. Tell me, do dogs in > the southern hemisphere twirl around in an anti-clockwise direction > before laying down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It isn't the dog that decides which way it will twirl around before } laying down, it's the tapeworm inside. When the tapeworm contracts } after a hard day of adsorption, the dog has to curl up to accommodate } this. It is quite possible that the tapeworm was born from an egg } contained in foreign imported dog food, and so therefore dogs in the } same location curl up either clockwise or antclockwise. } } And, in fact, dogs in the Northern Hemisphere should twist around } ANTI-CLOCKWISE before they lay down. This is solid evidence that you } have been damaging the balance of payments of our hemisphere by buying } cheap, imported dog food. As you may know, there is significant } evidence to show that the Southern Hemisphere dog food cartel has been } dumping dog food in the Northern Hemisphere for prices less than the } actual production costs of the dog food, as an aggressive move to } freeze Northern Hemisphere dog food manufacturers out of the market, } subsidised by high prices paid by the consumers of the heavily } protected Southern Hemisphere market. } } Not only that, but Southern Hemisphere dog food is often made from } materials that are dangerous for your dog in the long term. Namely } KANGAROO MEAT. Yes, have you noticed that your dog tends to be a bit } more "jumpy" than it used to be? Does your dog tend to bounce a bit } higher than before? Continue feeding unsafe dog food to your dog and it } could end up the way of "Sparky". Sparky was a dog that used to be full } of health and used to love chasing balls. However, Sparky's owner fed } Sparky on a diet of Southern Hemisphere dog food of doubtful origin. } Not knowing how far Sparky's affliction had advanced, Sparky's owner } bounced a ball too hard on the city pavement, and the ball bounced in } through a window of a skyscraper. To the absolute horror of all around } Sparky leapt several times higher than he had ever been seen to before, } STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW AFTER IT. } } Start feeding your dog only quality Northern Hemisphere dog food before } it's too late. However, as your dog already has a Southern Hemisphere } tapeworm inside, you must get this tapeworm treated before changing } foodstuffs. You see, one type of tapeworm makes your dog curl one way, } and the other type of tapeworm makes it curl the other way. A dog } infected with both Northern and Southern Hemisphere tapeworms at the } same time will, when it's time to rest, be pulled in both directions at } once, and instead of curling will split down the middle like a bacteria } dividing. } } See what danger you have exposed your dog to with unsafe and } economically unsound Southern Hemisphere dog food? I hope you're } thoroughly ashamed of yourself. } } You owe the Oracle the remaining 2% of shares the Oracle needs for a } controlling interest in North Star Pet Foods incorporated. --- 587-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and glorious Oracle, from whom all knowledge flows, > > Why are there so many different types of fuses? I mean, I can > understand the "slow blow" and "fast blow" distinction as an important > one. However, they don't just let it go at that. You've got all these > 3-letter codes for them, and usually it is specified exactly which ones > you need. > > I have a co-worker who says that these actually mean something > specific, but my point of view is that it's all a scheme by the fuse > manufacturers to sell more fuses - after all, what self-respecting > repair shop wouldn't have the whole set of fuses, even if they only use > three different values or so anyway? (you know, 1/10 amp, 10 amp, and > 0000 no-blow) > > So, wise and glorious one, if you cold enlighten me on this one, I'd > appreciate the heck out of it. > > Yours truly, > a.humble.supplican And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's only two kinds of fuses that I know of. There's the slow fuse } that burns so slow you think it's gone out, so you go over to check } the dynamite, and BOOMMM!!!! it blows up in your face and singes your } whiskers. Then there's the fast fuse that burns so fast you don't } have time to throw the dynamite, and BOOOMMM!!!! it blows up in your } hand and fries your fur. Either way the @#@$@#$&! bird gets away. } } If there's any other kind of fuses, bud, I don't know about them, but } if you find out about any let me know. } } The Acme Oracle (incarnated as wcoyote@blanc.warner.com) --- 587-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, thou who could break any world highjump record even if > thou did so from a handstand position, thou who could run the 100metres > in 5 seconds as a three-legged race with a 100Kg gorilla. Thou who > could parry any sucker punch, if there were a boxer who would dare > sucker punch the Oracle, which there is not. > > Hear this insignificant plea from this measly worm of a supplicant, not > worthy of polishing your discus, and answer this, my insignificantly > insignificant question. > > What do Saudi Arabian women wear under their veils and chador? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little known fact that, in the geologic era when all lands of } the Earth were one land, the masses now known as "Scotland" and "Saudi } Arabia" were joined as a subcontinent known as "Bonnygondwali Land". } Here the indigenous tribe, the Bedowegians, developed many strange } mannerisms of dress and speech. One important fashion tip was that all } members of the tribe wore a sequence of loose-fitting, wraparound } garments beginning at the head and ending at the knees. } } Like all enlightened societies, the Bedowegians spent much of their } time debating the merits and health effects of various human } activities. Unlike some societies, the debate over two particular } substances, caffeine and alcohol, developed into a cultural struggle of } epic proportions. } } The caffeine crowd, often waxing poetic for days at a time about the } virtues of their brews, affected a dark dress covering the face and } torso. This had the advantage of protecting against the inevitable } spills caused by the hand inexplicably jumping 2 feet to the left while } holding a nice, hot cup of coffee (incidentally, the state in which } such drinkers often found themselves led directly to the term } "soggies", thus "Soggy Arabians"). } } Similarly, the alcohol bunch adopted a multicolored skirt about the } waist. The arrangement of greens, blues, reds, and oranges effectively } masked the strange color-blindness which afflicted the wearer on the } morning after a long meeting with the Whisky Anti-Defamation League. } } When in the Great Catastrophe of way-too-many-years-ago BC (see } Oracular Reference #2878635-22, "Human Factors in Continental Drift: } Did Cholesterol Split the Supercontinent?") Bonnygondwali land broke } apart, the two factions took the opportunity to go their separate ways. } The coffee took the high road, the whisky took the low road, and thus } got to Scotland before Allah. } } But the coffee klatch soon began to feel an emptiness caused by the } lack of any opposition. While in later millenia this cultural } dysfunction blossomed into the concept of the "jihad", or "war fought } for lack of anything better to do", early leaders decided to } commemorate their noble adversaries by adding to the traditional } clothing required of all women. } } So, the answer to your question is: } } Under the chador, Saudi Arabian women wear a kilt. } } You owe the Oracle a sporran with a crescent and star. --- 587-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Master of all knowledge, enlighten me please: > > "How many priests are necessary to change a light bulb?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one, but it has to be funny. --- 587-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose IQ is higher than my best pinball score, > > My brother-in-law got a job with the Turnpike. > He was so dumb, they had to put him on the exact-change lane. > > My uncle invested his life savings in a franchise to sell > solar-powered flashlights. > > I sit around writing questions to you. > > Have you any relatives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, in fact. But my mother-in-law is so poor that when I saw her } kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing, she } told me she was moving. My sister-in-law is so ugly, when we were at a } restaurant and she was crawling under the table to get her dropped } napkin, the waiter came by and said, "I'm sorry, but we do not allow } dogs in this establishment." My father-in-law is so stupid, he tried } to patent helicopter ejection seats. } } I sit around answering questions from supplicants like you. } } You owe the Oracle your family tree. --- 587-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle... I think of myself as a good Catholic. But John > Paul II's stand on abortion ticks me off. Could you ask the Holy > Trinity if I'm going to Hell? Thanks loads... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Father said yes, the Son said no, and the Holy Ghost said maybe. } Draw your own conclusions, pal. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible. --- 587-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tommy, can you hear me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mommy? Is that you? Um... *blush*, I'd like you to meet Lisa, } Mommy. No, don't get up, Lisa, please... Mommy, I really wish } you would have knocked first. } } You owe the Oracle, um, that pair of pants on that chair over } there. Just throw them in this direction. Don't look. --- 587-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose tendency to sesquipedalian lexicalization is > laudable, in one of your recent Oracularities (585-03), you used > the word "videlicit". That's a pretty cool word. And you actually > used the whole word, not just the abbreviation "viz.", which is much > more common today. How can I learn to write like you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } This had better stay between me and you, okay? } } I have a copy of a program known as a "foginator", which is used mostly } by lawyers and politicians to create unfathomable grammatical } abominations, incomprehensible to the typical person. } } Here's a quick example... } } $ cat file.txt } send me ten percent of your money. } $ cat file.txt | fognicate } I. All aforementions sources of income not previously categorized in a } subsection of the preceeding regulations promulgated by the federal } district commisioner of revenue enhancement may be subjected to a } preferential levy imposed upon determination of the source of } applicable income within the guidelines imposed by article XVII of USC } title LX(i) which have not been exempted through regulations forthwith. } $ ^D } $ logout } } The fognicator has not been made available to ordinary folks, though. } We need a way to keep otherwise unemployable people out of the streets, } and politics and law look like the only good answers right now. } } You owe the Oracle a defognicator. --- 587-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will you be my salty dog? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Lisa! C'mere! Yeah, it is good one. } } [ Sounds of two people giggling heard in the background. ] } } [ One suddenly stops giggling. ] } } No, you first. Look, I did that chipmunk thing last time. It's YOUR } turn. No, I don't have anything against dogs. I just want you to do } it this time! Oh, sure you did that yesterday, but that wasn't even } a MAMMAL! Aw, c'mon, it's YOUR turn, dammit. Well, fine, if you're } going to be that way about it, why don't we just forget.... } } Look at what? } } Hey, that's the power switch! You mean that thing is turned ON? } If it's connected, that means that everyone can hear.... } } Um. } } >AHEM< } } While I do have the necessary transmogrification equipment for the } canine portion of your request, the salt is a problem. Getting that } much in my fur tends to mat my coat. Therefore, I only use it on } special occasions. Like two days ago. } } You owe the Oracle a large tub of warm, soapy water, a scrub } brush, and a few pine nuts. --- 587-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most honored and wise Oracle, why does the pope wear that funny > squid-shaped hat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, the cat's out of the bag. Or should I say, out of } the hat. You see, a thousand years ago the Pope was accompanying his } fishermen out to sea, in hopes that he would catch a glimpse of Christ } walking the waters. Unfortunately, the Pope did not see Him, but } fortunately the fishermen hauled in quite a load - including a squid. } } On the way back, one of the fishermen was examining the ill-tempered } cephalopod when it lost its temper and squirted "ink" into the fool's } eye. Startled, he tossed the critter into the air. Through some horrid } coincidence, it landed directly on the Pope's head. Immediately it } suctioned itself to the holy man's cranium, and he suffered a heart } attack from fright and died. } } When the fishermen returned with the dead Pope, the Pope's family of } course wanted to know what had happened. Knowing what would be done to } them if it was discovered that the squid which the fisherman threw } killed the Pope, the fishermen lied, saying that the Pope had not been } worthy and had been struck down by lightning, or something like that. } } They went on to explain that the hat on his head, which curiously } resisted any sort of attempt to remove it, was a gift from the wife of } one of the fishermen. Coos of delight rang throughout the village } square, and an order was at once written which stated that a strange } hat to be patterned after the original was to be worn by every Pope, } and was to be passed down through the ages. } } So that, my friend, is why the Pope wears that idiotic thing on top of } his head. } } You owe the Oracle a fish tale.