From oracle-request Fri May 21 12:56:35 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26482; Fri, 21 May 1993 12:56:35 -0500 Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 12:56:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #563 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 563 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #563 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 12:56:35 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 563 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 558 52 votes 2b6if 9rb41 5hg95 4jo50 79id5 2ilb0 5ahh3 99m75 6cjd2 05dmc 558 3.0 mean 3.6 2.2 2.8 2.6 3.0 2.8 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.8 --- 563-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you run the universe successfully? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very good and, shall we say, pertinent question, } supplicant, especially in these times where universes are bubbling up } out of the void with so much verve, and enthusiasm. The advances in } human science makes it possible for even you, a lowly supplicant, to } have a chance to run your very own universe. So, before you get into } any trouble, and devalue your wise investment, let me give you a few } pointers: } } (1) Keep the micro-organisms OUT. This includes all phages, bacilla, } paramecium, and politicians. You will find that this will reduce the } level of horrible diseases and plagues dramatically. } } (2) Don't eat fried foods. It may not help your universe to run } better, but it sure cuts down on the heartburn! } } (3) Hire a team of as many lawyers as you possibly can. This also may } not keep the universe in line, but I'll tell you: it sure helps get } the frustration out when you one every once in a while. } } (3a) Keep the lawyers OUT. This one should be obvious. } } (4) Always pay the mortgage on time. Nothing can cause more chaos in a } universe than when its repossessed. } } (5) In this universe the speed limit is 186,282 mi/sec. Make the speed } limit in your universe 55 mph. Such speeds are reckless, and cause } more accidents than banana peels left on the floor. } } (5a) Make seat belts mandatory. Giving the inhabitants genetic } seat belts saves time and money, because they will be } born with them. } (5b) Keep the banana peels OUT. } } (6) Some universes are infinite. Keep yours finite. It helps in } keeping all the aforementioned OUT. } } (7) Keep all your detractors OUT. Freedom of speech is for WIMPS. } } (8) Hint: 6 days isn't enough time to build the universe. I mean, look } at the sorry state of this one! } _____ } /*&^%*\ } |%$#@!)&| } \___/\/ } / } / } / } /\/ } _ /_ } / \ // \ } \// } ******CRACK!******* } [Bolt of lightning from the sky.] } } Connection closed by foriegn host. } telnet> } } (you owe the oracle a pair of asbestos shorts. OUCH!) --- 563-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One day, Moses, God, and the Oracle were hiking out in the woods; > they walked for a long time, got separated, and it got dark. > > God just said "Let there be light", and there was light. > > Moses raised his hand, and a Pillar of Fire appeared to light his > path. > > The Oracle -- > > What did the Oracle do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle reached into his backpack and pulled out a beer. He } popped the top in the dark, and upon taking a mighty swig, he spewed } forth his beer upon the trees of the forest. } } "DAMN! WHO PUT LIGHT BEER IN MY COOLER?!?" } } And lo! did the creatures of the forest tremble, for the Oracle was } surrounded by a nimbus most fierce. Vesuvius erupted. Atlantis } fell. Ragnarok began and ended. The Cubs took the series. And the } Oracle found his way home, whereafter he threw his refrigerator at } the moron who invented light beer. } } You owe the Oracle a grovel, and a good Amana refrigerator. --- 563-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > It is with the deepest of regrets that I must inform you that your > services are no longer required. Your service to us has been > exemplary, but due to circumstances, we have no option. Your last day > of employment shall be two weeks hence. You will receive 1 month's > severence pay in addition. Best of luck in your future prospects. > > Regards, > > Steve Kinzler > (An engineer with an organ.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmpf. As severance pay, you owe the Oracle $100,000,000,000,000,000 } and iuvax. I always did like it better. --- 563-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Great and Powerful Oracle, it is I, Dorothy, the small and weak. > > Will these ruby slippers take me anywhere but *Kansas*?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, come on now, } } Kansas is a very exciting place! You can tour the Wheat museum, the } Wheat shrine, the "House of wheat", made entirely of wheat hulls which } have been glued together with wheat glue, the "Cream of Wheat" factory, } and of course the seed company. } } Let's see here, thumbing through the Oracular travel guide, I see you } can also learn about the history of irrigation at the Kansas State Fair } Wheat tent (only tent), the fair being held on August 7. The guidebook } also lists the "Dorothy Memorial", but that was lost in a rather } violent storm a few years back. } } You owe the Oracle 2 weeks of rest & relaxation, but Kansas is a bit } TOO relaxing, thank you. --- 563-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are we here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ZOT --- 563-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where the HECKITTY DARN did my scizzors go??????? > Desparate in Duluth. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh! That's strong language to use at an omnipotent being you know! } Golly! I might just have to you! But no, as you are obviously } flustered without your scizzors I will let you off with a warning.... } } (zot) } } There, just a little one. That wasn't so bad now, was it? } } Well, now that's over, I can tell you. You're not going to like it } though. You thought perhaps that all a woodchuck did was chuck wood, } no? Not so! These days they're into all sorts of stuff, including } lumber, paper manufacturing and woodchipping. That's where your } scizzors have gone - at the moment they are replacing the main chipping } blades in Woodchuck Glade Mill #3. Woodchucks aren't so silly as most } people think - they are twice as annoying of course, but when it comes } to making a buck they realise that just chucking the stuff doesn't get } you anything but sore throat. } } A closer look reveals that everything is going fine down at Woodchuck } Glade. The supervisor, Woody Woodchuck is on the phone to Walter } Woodchuck, forechuck in the chipping division at mill #3. Woody is } pretty happy, as the output from his plant is soaring, even though he's } lost his main chipping blades for the week while they're being } sharpened. Looks like he's going to be able to fill all his orders, and } even look for some more maybe! William Woodchuck III, the owner, is } going to be very happy. Maybe he'll even give Woody a bonus this month. } Woody congratulates Walter on meeting his quota and hangs up. } } Well, we can't have this, can we? We all know that I don't like them } woodchucks. I don't like to see happy woodchucks. Especially I don't } like to see them getting bonuses. What am I going to do about it? Well, } it's time the woodchucks found out what 'omnipotent' means. } } See Woody raised into the air - he's flying! He doesn't know it yet, } but the Oracle has him in his grasp. See Woody flying toward the } chipping conveyor. He lands on a large log, and is quickly tied down by } his necktie. He is slowly drawn into the machine, shouting his head } off. Walter can't see him though - he's in the stationery room with } Wilma Woodchuck. Down, down Woody falls, closer and closer to the } scizzors - Shred! Rip! Grind! Woody chips! Mooohahahahahaha! } } You owe the Oracle some sharp scizzors. Woodchucks sure do blunt them } quick. --- 563-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear sir: > > The penguins have returned, but the bridge is still missing. Now what? > > Team Woodchuck And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Within their hidding spot just behind the corner of a building, } Batman turns suddenly: "Your absolutely right, Robin! To the Batcave!" } } (zippy music, and images of a car driving, played in fast motion to } make it appear as if the car were actually driving fast) } } (Batman and Robin doing some kind of experiment, and at the same time } playing with a 1960's style computer thing. A bell goes off). } } Batman: "Just as I suspected, Robin! The Commissioner's Wife's bridge } was cleverly encased in this block of solid ice. All we need to do is } to melt the block of ice, and the bridge will be saved. Come on, } Robin, to the nuclear power plant!" } } (Batman and Robin leap into the Batmobile with the ice-encrusted dental } work... zippy music, and images of a car driving, played in fast motion } to make it appear as if the car were actually driving fast) } } (Batman and Robin within the Nuclear power plant, right next to the } pool containing the radioactive fuel, glowing menacingly red, then } green). } } Robin: "Holy saunabath, Batman! You're not going to immerse the block } of ice into the pool of radioactive fuel?!?" } } Batman: "It's the only way to free the bridge from the ice without } releasing the deadly anthrax-related plague virus, fiendishly coating } every part of it's surface." } } Robin: "Wow." } } (suddenly, 6 burley men in ... } ... sexy skintight costumes begin gyrating ^C } } Lisa, please give the keyboard back! } Thank you. } } (suddenly, 6 burley men in stupid penguin costumes, that look oh so } '60ish, surround the dynamic duo--the Penguin himself appears on the } scene!) } } Penguin: "Wwann, Wwann, Wwann, what have we hear? Batman and Robin. } Let's see if we can put a 'glow' in your cheeks, eh?" } } (the Penguin's men tie the Duo to a winch, hoist them out over the } pool, and begin lowering them into the deadly liquid, which begins to } bubble furiously, just to worry us). } } Sudden Voice from Nowhere: "How will the Duo get out of this one?!? } Will they be able to save the bridge from destruction? Will they be } able to prevent the Penguin from releasing his deadly toxins and } killing the entire planet, if not universe? Or are the Duo destined to } play it 'hot' while the Penguin plays it 'cool'? } } (final shot: the two, dangling, just about to touch the surface of the } pool.) } -- } You owe the Oracle a potion that will cause Tim Burton to make *real* } Batman movies, as seen on TV, and no more of this pseudo-gothic crap. --- 563-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One day, God, Lucifer, and the Oracle were walking in the mountains. > > God looked around at the beautiful view, listened to the birds > singing, took a deep breath of the fresh, crisp air, and said, > "I did this; it is mine." > > Lucifer looked down at the side of the path, pointed to an empty > beer can and a Bazooka wrapper, and said, > "I did this; it is mine." > > The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thus the Oracle spoke: } } "Let's go and have a drink" --- 563-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > The other day when you were out to lunch I answered a question for > you. Sorry about that. > > My "ARMM" answer to Oracularities 557-01 scored a mere 1.9, which > made me wonder if it was the lowest score ever. > > I grepped my old Oracularities, and found only 3 comparable scores: > > 477-10 1.7 ca210 > 529-03 1.7 jl700 > 551-01 1.9 js830 > > The interesting thing is that my ARMM answer got a vote of jn531, > which means that 3 people thought it deserved a '4', and one > actually gave it a '5'. > > This is the first time in history that an Oracularity was so bad > that it scored less than 2.0, but also pleased someone so much that > it got a '5' vote. > > Do you suppose Depew votes on the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, confused supplicant, you should not believe everything you } read. You see, Steve Kinzler is a master of logical programming } (after all, he wrote me!), but arithmetic is just not his long } suit. When he was writing the vote tabulating program, I tried } to explain to him the difference between truncate and carry, but } his brain has a mind of its own and it just wouldn't listen. The } votes are counted in base 36 (0-9 and a-z), with carry, so 35 } votes of 5 are recorded as 0000z and 36 votes of 5 are 00010. } Everyone who voted on your question gave it a 5, so your result } of jn531 is actually 33,039,037 times 5, or 165,195,185. This is } the third best vote ever received, and you should be happy. (And, } since you do such a good job of answering questions for me, you } can answer the next 33,039,037 woodchuck questions.) --- 563-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I get a date with Joanie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I'm sure we can find you something. Let's just type it in on the } computer here.... } } $ cupid -LD Joanie* $SUPPLICANT } CUPID--Oracular Dating Service Applicant Matching Program } -Loose matching activated } -Desperate mode activated } Looking for Joanie* ............. done } Found 243253 entries for Joanie* } Matching profiles to subject ................. done. } Found 3 matching profiles.... } _____________________________ } Profile 001 of 003 } Name: Joanie Gumpall } Sex: F Age: 45 } Height: 4'8" Weight: 184 lb. } Hair: Brown Eyes: Brown } Compatability to subject profile: 45% } Hobbies/Interests: "TV. Food. Whatever." } Looking for: "Anybody who dont leave the toilet seat up." } Mailbox Number: 243321 } _____________________________ } Profile 002 of 003 } Name: Joanie Creider (nee Bob) } Sex: M Age: 51 } Height: 5'10" Weight: 140 lb. } Hair: No Eyes: Blue } Compatability to subject profile: 31% } Hobbies/Interests: "Nice dresses. Pretty ones." } Looking For: "GWM seeks GWM/BWM HIV- for LTR ASAP" } Mailbox Number: 022321 } _____________________________ } Profile 003 of 003 } Name: Joanie Fisher } Sex: F Age: 34 } Height: 5'5" Weight: 133 Lb. } Hair: Red Eyes: Green } Compatibility to subject profile: 27% } Hobbies/Interests: "Collecting broken hearts, } wrecking happy marriages, you know--the usual" } Looking for: "Victim number 1383" } Mailbox Number: 443523 } _____________________________ } } End of prospective profiles. } To learn more about any of these exciting people, call } 1-900-HOM-ELY1, and then enter the Mailbox Number } from the profile of the date of your dreams. You'll } hear a recorded message from that person, and have a } chance to leave a message for them. Good luck! } } end of CUPID program. } } You owe the Oracle $4.00 for the first minute, $2.00 for } each minute after the first.