From oracle-request Wed May 12 08:07:49 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26783; Wed, 12 May 1993 08:07:49 -0500 Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 08:07:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #560 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 560 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #560 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 08:07:49 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 560 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 555 49 votes 2sh20 1gja3 6aia5 6ek81 33hfb 05l9e 25ik4 6gi63 07icc 1gia4 555 3.1 mean 2.4 3.0 3.0 2.7 3.6 3.7 3.4 2.7 3.6 3.0 --- 560-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the East, whose blinding brilliance outshines the Rising > Sun, please tell me how to do an infinite amount of work in a finite > amount of time. Like get it done tonight. Like I thought once I was > out of college I wouldn't have all-nighters, and here it is going on > 30 years and they still happen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle of the Western, but still fashionable, Section of the East } understands and pities you. Even the great Oracle has been forced on } occasion to pull an all-nighter. It is indeed a hard world. But } there is hope... } } PRESENTING "POWER-PILL"! NEW, FROM ORACO! } } TIRED? GROGGY? NEED A LITTLE PICK ME UP TO GET YOU THROUGH A LONG } NIGHT? ORACO PRESENTS "POWER-PILL," THE LATEST IS META-PHYSICAL } PHARMACUETICALS. JUST ONE "POWER-PILL" GIVES YOU ENOUGH ENERGY AND } MOTIVATION TO GET THROUGH THE WORST CRISIS! JUST LISTEN TO QUOTES } FROM OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS: } } "POWER-PILL is great. I was moving so fast that the air gave me } friction burns." } } "POWER-PILL saved my job. I had more energy than 1,000,000 epileptic } squirrels." } } "Forget Caffeine, POWER-PILL is dynamite. Just one pill, and I could } type so fast that my knuckles exploded." } } "I took just one POWER-PILL, and I could run 300 miles per hour. It } was great, until I ran into a tree." } } THAT'S RIGHT! "POWER-PILL" CAN DO ALL THIS AND MORE! IF YOU TAKE TWO } PILLS AT ONCE, THEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY GO BACKWARDS IN TIME! NO MORE } NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DEADLINES! INCREASE YOUR EARNING POTENTIAL! HOLD } TEN FULL-TIME JOBS, AT THE SAME TIME! } } Warning: The Surgeon General has found that "POWER-PILL" can lead to } physical injury. Do not use while operating a vehicle. Keep away } from small children. Store "POWER-PILL" containers only in } lead-shielded containers. Observe normal radiation hazzard } precautions. Overdose can lead to death and thermo-nuclear explosion. } } You owe the Oracle some downers, and quickly. --- 560-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who has knowledge of chemistry deeper than the deepest > petro-chemical engineer, I have a question. > > What happens if I mix sticky green stuff with slippery yellow stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You get a hangover like you wouldn't *believe*. } } Oy. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of tomato juice and three bottles of } B-complex vitamins. --- 560-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a good topic for a quiz? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends a lot on whether you are the quizzer or the quizzee. For } instance, a topic which would send the quizzee into a palpitating, } sweat-drenched frenzy would, in the parlance of quizzers, be described } as "a good topic," whereas the quizzee might use phraseology along the } lines of "the demon rat-f*cking quiz from Dante's Ninth Circle." } } Since it is obvious that you are a quizzee, you are most pathetically } at the mercy of the quizzer, who unfortunately gets to define what good } topics are, since they write the freakin' things. Since your intent is } to divine topics which might appear on upcoming quizzes, here are a few } that might cross your path: } } 1. Title: The sex lives of doorknobs in 19th century Vladivostok. } } 2. Describe the psychological profile of three different classes of } people who might ask the Usenet Oracle the "W**dch**k Question." Also, } list at least three ways in which the Oracle might creatively } them. Describe any necessary details such as flames lapping at people's } eyeballs, imploding skulls, etc. to a satisfactory level of gore. } } 3. Title: Antimatter, Foot Fetishes, and You. } } 4. Using standard principles of historical linguistics, postulate two } terms which could develop in the next century to supplant the currently } used word "toejam" and all of its synonyms. } } 5. If a chicken-and-a-half lays an egg-and-a-half in a } day-and-a-half, how long does it take a monkey with a wooden leg to } kick all of the seeds out of a dill pickle? What if you take air } resistance into account? Relativistic effects? } } 6. Title: Roaches as an Alternative Food Source for the year 2000. } } 7. What are the historical reasons why hackers wear blue jeans, heavy } boots, T-shirts, open flannel shirts, and wire-frame glasses? Does } this have any bearing on their continual inability to get laid? } Explain. } } 8. Define the act of definition. (Note: Anyone entering a } paradoxical loop of infinite regression will receive no credit for the } question.) } } 9. Compare and constrast the literary styles of Art Buchwald and God. } Which author (or Author) do you think is funnier? Which do you think } gives more political insight into modern issues? Is it blasphemy to } say that Art Buchwald has better editors? (People struck by lightning } during this question will be graded only on their work up until the } event). } } 10. If you were to ask the Usenet Oracle what a good topic for a quiz } would be, what would he say? How do you know? Are you omniscient, } too? If so, why are you still in school? If not, how does it feel to } be such a lowly mortal. } } You owe the Oracle the blood which escapes from your pores during the } next quiz. Ta ta... --- 560-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who holds the keys to wisdom, please help me. > > In a little-known corner of my kitchen, hidden in what would have been > an ashtray if anyone I know smoked, lies a collection of old keys which > I have picked up over the years. None of them fit any locks that I > own. Can you tell me what they are for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. Hidden in your collection are the key to success, } the key to happiness, the key to independence, and the } key to my back porch, which I will thank you to return. } The reason those keys don't fit anything is that the } locks have been changed. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Schlage EF blanks. --- 560-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER TWO REASONS: } } (1) ALL CAPS BOTHERSOME ALL HELL. } (2) SENTENCES INCOMPLETE/FRAGMENTS. } (3) GROVELLING HELPS. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A LOCKPICK FOR HIS CAPS LOCK. --- 560-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do old programmers go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Old programmers never die, they just get swapped out. --- 560-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle most > Oxford Thesaurus, Copyright 1991 Oxford Univ. Press > > /benevolent/ adj. > charitable, well-disposed, gracious, good, kind, kindly, humane, > humanitarian, well-wishing, thoughtful, considerate, sympathetic, > caring, kind-hearted, warm-hearted, compassionate, benign, benignant; > liberal, generous, magnanimous, open-handed; beneficial, helpful, > salutary: > "That hypocrite has cast himself in the role of a benevolent > despot." > > how do I use the cut and paste function without getting all that > extraneous stuff? > > PS sorry about the hypocrite crack, that's webster not me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First thing's first. ZZZZAP! (So much for Webster...) } } To answer your question, I must confide in you some of the deepest } secrets of "Cut and Paste". } } When you "cut", your data it is quickly hypertransmorgified } to an alternate realm where it is stored in preparation for the } "paste" operation. Because of this realm's special purpose as } the holding pen for data which is to be "cut" and "pasted" (or } "connected", as the locals call it), the realm is called "Connecticut". } } Now, Connecticut is a relatively benign place, but if your } data strays ever so slightly to the south, it may end up in } Washington D.C. where it can pick up LOTS of extraneous stuff, } such as political rhetoric, lobbyists, and affirmative action } legislation. } } So, to keep your data from picking up such extraneous stuff, } be sure to book your data with a good travel agent. } } You owe The Oracle a round trip ticket to Jamaica, where } the only extraneous things you can pick up are female and sexy. --- 560-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello your holiness and most wonderful of all powerful oracular > beings! I grovel in your omnipresent omnipresence! Please, oh > omniscient one, enlighten this lost soul. > > How do they get the graphite strips into the wood of pencils? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unbeknownst to most mortals, pencils are not manufactured in } factories, but rather grow on a variety of bush which flourishes } only in the Graffiti region of Italy, a quaint and picturesque } valley in the Dolomiti mountains. } } The soil there is rich in graphite, you see, and the roots extract } the mineral and use it in the pith of their branches, to make the } branches stiff. } } We take you now to a field in the Graffiti, where pencils are grown; } ah, there's a quaint and picturesque local pencil farmer now; let's } see what he has to say. } } "Scemo! Cretino! Idiota! Stronzo malcagato! Guarda dove cammini, } che non rompi la verdura!" } } Ah, he graciously welcomes us to his humble field, and says that } never has he been so honored. I shall ask him what grade of pencils } he grows here: } } "Purdownah mee, singyor, qualle qualitar dee pencils } stano growando aqui?" } } (The Oracle is multilingual, as you see.) } } "Non capisco un cazzo di cio che dici. Pirla!" } [Holds up one finger, the middle one.] } } Ah, I see, Number One pencils, the soft ones. } Well, that's all we have time for folks, and now we must return to } Olympus. } } [As the Oracle turns, the tip of a broken branch makes some } markings on his robe. The markings spell out "Calcia mi!"] } ("Kick me!") } } [As the Oracle begins to walk away, Guido Velocissimo } reads the message, and takes the hint.] } } *Uffah!* } } You owe the Oracle a *very* *soft* pillow for his Throne. --- 560-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose helpful hints make my pathetic existence > bearable, (How's that for a grovel? I'm new at this.) please tell me > why is it that the small refridgerator here in my office freezes solid > all of the ice cubes in a given tray _EXCEPT_ one or maybe two random > ones. > > Thanks your humble, let's see . . . what was that word . . . oh yeah, > supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well first of all, the Oracle would like to commend you on your grovel } and general demeanor. True, you haven't yet reached the heights of } obsequiousness that more experience supplicants plumb, but for a novice } you didn't do at all badly. } } In order for you to understand the answer to your question, you have to } understand the true principle of refrigeration. Forget all that } thermdynamics garbage; refrigeration is a brutal and nasty business } indeed. Do you really think that those footloose, fancy-free water } molecules actually want to be regimented into icy rings? Not for a } minute; they resist with everything they've got, and only capitulate } when bludgeoned into position. When you close the fridge door, (the } light stays on, by the way) the little frost-gnomes come out and } cajole, threaten, blackmail and otherwise prod the anarchistic H20 into } line. } } Alas, you have a _small_ refrigerator, and thus it can be home to only } a few gnomes, and no matter how hard they work, they can't keep all the } water frozen. If you stick the ice-cube tray in a bigger fridge (more } of the little critters) or put in less water, all will be well. } } You owe the oracle a raspberry ice made from the frost of the next 5 } defrostings of your fridge. } } PS: the answer to your next question is "the electricity isn't to keep } the fridge cold; it runs the little electric fences that keep the } frost gnomes from escaping. You owe Lisa an icy treat for that. --- 560-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and omniscient Oracle, please tell me. > > What if this wasn't a hypothetical question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Then this wouldn't be a rhetorical answer, would it?