From oracle-request Wed Mar 24 00:10:29 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10233; Wed, 24 Mar 1993 00:10:29 -0500 Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1993 00:10:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #545 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 545 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #545 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1993 00:10:29 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 545 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 540 53 votes 5adg9 7gia2 05lj8 7hha2 04eob 31og9 4lgb1 7hk72 04pj5 19hj7 540 3.2 mean 3.3 2.7 3.6 2.7 3.8 3.5 2.7 2.6 3.5 3.4 --- 545-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who ZOTs supplicants who fail to grovel. Tell me, > O Great One, by what means, other than ZOTing, do you alleviate stress. > My work is getting to me. I need to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, thought you'd never ask. Here's the Oracle's Top Ten List of } Stress-Relieving Things To Do: } } 10) Ponder navel oranges. They don't have navels, really. } 9) Pluck thy nose hairs and throw them at your colleagues. } 8) Hold a pencil in front of your face, and systematically close } your left eye, then your right, and try to get the eraser to } blot out a different person with each eye. } 7) Get the Ethyl Merman Disco Album and BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE. } 6) Eat some MSG. Wonders. } 5) Get a baseball bat and put some new doors in your home. } 4) Send mail to the Oracle asking "How much wood would a woodchuck } chuck?" It will transfer your stress to me. } 3) Call the "Save the Children" help line, and say, "Is Sally there? } Is Sally Struthers there? MOM?!" } 2) Pick thy toes. } 1) Eat some raisins. They're really chewy. } } You owe the Oracle the "Buns of Steel" video. --- 545-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh-Oracle-wise-and-true,-can-you-please-tell-me-what-is-wrong > with-my-spacebar?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a common problem. You see, the space bar doesn't actually show } anything, it just moves the cursor over. You can't actually see a } space. You have to just believe that it is there. It's sort of like } the "post-cold-war peace dividend." } } You owe the Oracle a big tax break. --- 545-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most mighty and great Oracle, > > I'm sorry about the short grovel, but my modem is playing up. > What can I > NO CARRIER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop pressing Alt-H } } You owe the Oracle a Hayes compatable ZOT extender. --- 545-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise one, please tell me what that red thing is, and what do > they use it for... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 'little red thing,' as you call it, is really a transdimentional } fuse. Say, for example, a supplicant asks, "How Much Wood can a...a } w-w-w-w...a w-w-a woo...." Never mind, you know what I'm talking about. } But anyway, all you do is light the fuse and send the fuse with your } reply. } } When the fuse burns down to the little purple part, the orange part } opens to reveal a black part which suck the supplicant and his house } and question in, then returns to its small yellowish-brown box-like } state. } } Now, if you'll excuse me, I just got some mail...Hmm! How nice! A } small yellowish-brown box with a little orange part, a little purple } part, and a burning little red part... } } But as I was saying...all you do is light the little red part and send } it to your worst enemy's house... } } Wait a min...I've seen one of these boxes } befoAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH } } You owe Lisa a new Oracle. --- 545-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most proud and noble Oracle, tell me: > > Why do stars fall out of the sky/ > every time/you walk by? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'cause I'm so flippin' drun' drun' drunkkk tha' notonly do th' stars } move aroun' evr'y time I lookkit 'em, but th' earth does a neat little } dansstep an' jodles at th' top of its lunggz. } } You owe me a canuv Guinness Draught an'an' Aspirin fer nex' morning. --- 545-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > World famous knower of knowledge, dispenser of dispensations, and > contriver of contrivances, I have met this real cute girl. She is > a Princess, which is handy because I am a Prince, and you wouldn't > believe how hard it is to meet a real Princess nowadays. Anyway, > there is a rather major problem. You see, she just lays there like > she is under a spell or something. I've tried pinching her, tickling > her feet, and several other things, but she just lays there. What > can I do to get a response? > In Desparation, > Prince Charming And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Charming: } I am quite familiar with the spell you describe, and I am pleased to } tell you there is an easy way to break it. However (there is always a } however in these situations), it won't work unless YOU figure it out } for yourself. I'll give you the same advice I recently suggested to } an engineering student who wanted my help on a seemingly difficult } project: Keep It Simple, Stupid! } } You owe the Oracle the droit de seigneur. --- 545-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Huge Oracle, who uses clothesline for dental floss, and who buffs > his toenails with a floor polisher, please tell me why my piling > system, -er- I mean my FILING system is always overflowing and never > in order. Is there some cosmic secret to getting all these papers put > away, thrown away, kept away, out of my way, yet with the things I > need still instantly available? I don't think the computer is the > answer, because I suspect it's useless to scan in handwritten notes, > or catalogues I intend to order something from, some day, or the > archival stuff on the floor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Freudian slip was wiser than you knew. In fact, careful filing } systems have been one of the greatest barriers to humanity's } development of cosmic consciousness. Your *piling* system is on the } right track. } } Consider for a moment. You've studied chaos theory. You've learned in } cognitive science that consciousness is an epiphenomenon. Complex } systems that are allowed to grow complex enough ultimately develop } orderly structures that cannot be predicted from the characteristics of } their consituent parts. } } Our Solar System was once a garbage dump for a race of interstellar } colonists whose home base was Beta Centauri. Consider the results: } Mars coalesced from old racing forms. The core of Venus was discarded } sponges, used Lava Lamps, and Centaurian Chia Pets. As for Earth: } a primordial soup of interplanetary speeding citations, biology } textbook overstock, pop-top rings from before the Centaurians invented } pull-tabs, faulty 1 terabyte RAM chips, and Spam. } } So the secret is to introduce enough chaos and complexity into your } papers that they begin to self-organize. The order that will } eventually emerge is unpredictable, but expect it to be as } information-rich as a strand of DNA--as beautiful as a fractal } image--as logical as the VMS operating system.... } } On second thought, maybe you just ought to hire a secretary... --- 545-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I was out in my wood pile, and I noticed that there was a woodchuck > chucking wood all over the place. I didn't want my wood chucked by > this woodchuck, as I had carefully stacked it into a statue of You, the > wise and glorious one, and this darned woodchuck was chucking this wood > into a form that made it look more like one of Ross Perot's ears. > > Needless to say, I was pissed. > > So, I got out the twelve-gauge, and blasted a hole in said woodchuck's > head. > > What I want to know, is what is your preferred recipe for woodchuck? I > was thinking a stew (he's an old, tough bugger), but I'm open to > suggestions. > > Awaiting hungrily (and hurry, he's starting to smell funny), > The humblest of all supplicants. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Woodchuck stew: } } (1) Woodchuck } (1) Supplicant } (1) Large Pot } } In large pot, bring water to a boil. Toss unconscious supplicant into } pot. Let Woodchuck watch. The Oracle does *not* hate woodchucks. The } Oracle hates *people* *who* *ask* *woodchuck* *questions* !!! --- 545-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I bet this question won't make it into the Oracularities Digest. > What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't >think<, supplicant, I >know<. I know many things. I know } why the Earth spins 'round the sun, I know why Spring always follows } Winter, and I know why Lisa is such a great lover in bed. } } What I also know is that your question is of such insignificant value } that it won't make it into the digest. And in fact... } } << ZZZZZZZZZ OO TTTTTTTTTTTT !! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !!!! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !!!! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !!!! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT !! >> } << ZZ OO OO TT >> } << ZZZZZZZZZ OO TT !! >> } } I also know you didn't grovel. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Oracularities Digest. --- 545-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please tell me: > I was recently at the store, and just happened to need a cuccumber and > vaseline. Everyone was snickering at me while in line. Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can assure you, your recipe for "Supplicant Salad" will become an } instant classic on supermarket shelves across the nation in a few short } weeks. } } Those pin-heads in the checkout line aren't even up to oil-and-vinegar, } so don't feel discouraged. } } And that bit about about loosing your chef's license over that KY jelly } dessert, don't worry, it's going to blow over in the next few days. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "More Of The Best Of The Joy Of Sex" and a } salad spinner.