From oracle-request Mon Mar 8 09:04:11 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29990; Mon, 8 Mar 1993 09:04:11 -0500 Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1993 09:04:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #542 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 542 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #542 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1993 09:04:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 542 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 537 49 votes 4gj82 46ig5 23djc 7aj85 4fn52 177jf 9dh82 39cg9 25dja 38fda 537 3.2 mean 2.8 3.2 3.7 2.9 2.7 3.8 2.6 3.4 3.6 3.4 --- 542-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O diligent and over-worked Oracle. You look exhausted. Why don't you > take a break? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, I am a little tired. Thank you for your concern, mortal. } } # wall } The Omnipotent Oracle will be going offline in fifteen minutes } for periodic maintenance. Do not be alarmed. } ^D } # shutdown -h +15 } Shutdown started (pid 809457) } System going down in 15 minutes } ... } } REDLANDS (UPI) -- The refugee camps from the so-called "San } Diego Incident" are filled to overflowing, announced the World Health } Organization today. "We haven't seen a population movement like this } since World War Two," said Dr. Emilio Basilisk of the Atlanta Center } for Disease Control. } "We're also confounded by the fact that some of the refugees } aren't what they seem to be. We've developed a test to screen out } most of the so-called `San Diego Zombies', but we're still losing } hundreds of refugees a night to vampires." } Meanwhile, the Medieval Metaphysics department at Miskatonic } University is working day and night to find a way to cope with the } unearthly events of Wednesday the Third. } "It looks like pockets of unnatural creatures were somehow } contained by an unidentified force that 'went away' on Wednesday," } said Dr. Johan Clodschtupper. "So we have giant lettuce demons } prowling the midwest, breaking into RV sewage tanks; oil-rigs chasing } down Japanese cars and drilling the blood out of the drivers; and, of } course, the cult of the Great Gooeyduck has taken over most of } Seattle." } When asked about countermeasures, Dr. Clodschtupper shrugged. } "We have six metric tons of Tibetan Salt on backorder, and the Vatican } had made the Holy Water Cannon project its number one priority. } Citizens near San Diego and Miami should beware the undead, although } of course Southern Californians are hard to distinguish from the } undead at the best of times." } Yahweh was unavailible for comment, but a press release urges } sexual abstinence and tithes. } } ... } Automatic reboot in progress: not checking filesystems. } Mounting local filesystems . } Starting internet services: inetd, gated, rwhod, named, pentagramd, } astrald. Mounting nfs filesystems. } NFS server sandiego not responding } mount: giving up on: } /nfs/sandiego/crypt } The system is ready. } } Ah, how refreshing! Although of course after one takes a vacation, } there's always a few things that broke while you were gone... } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. In fact, as a special bonus, I'll } dispatch a tome on how to deal with those pesky wormheaded batwinged } roosters that have you trapped up on your roof. --- 542-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me you all-knowing Oracle where I can buy a cheap Quantum > Hardcard for my PC. I am interessed in adress and price. Thank U. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, this is your lucky day. } } Usenet Oracle Intergalactic Engineering AG (UOIEA) is pleased to } announce } } THE ORACULAR QUANTUM HARDCARD MODEL UO-Q321 } } Running out of disk space, memory, and other system resources? Do the } specs for your latest project require you to violate several laws of } physics in order to get it done on time? The UO-Q321 Quantum Hardcard } is the answer you've boon looking for! } } The UO-Q321 utilizes breakthrough technologies pioneered for the IL-Q36 } Explosive Space Modulator project to implement a complete quantum } physics environment on YOUR DESKTOP with only a minimal probability of } significant damage to the neighborhood. With the optional Heisenberg } module installed, debugging becomes a snap -- if a part of your code is } malfunctioning, all you have to do is LOOK at it, and it self-modifies. } Proper selection of the viewing window can eliminate any bug before } you even know it's there. } } In today's highly-competetive marketplace, can you really afford to be } constrained by Newtonian physics? Order your Quantum Hardcard today. } } SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS / AVAILABILITY: } } MS-DOS requires 640KB RAM, 2MB of free disk space, and a frontal } lobotomy. Availability: Instantaneous. } } Windows 3.1 requires 4MB RAM, SCSI adapter, sound board, SVGA, 15MB } free disk space, automatic floppy changer, and a good answer to the } question "Why the Hell didn't you buy a Macintosh in the first } place?" Availability: 1st^H^H^H 3rd quarter of 1993^H^H^H^H 1995 ^X } Well, real soon, anyway. } } OS/2 requires umpty-ump MB RAM, 64-bit addressing, a RAID-5 array, and } FDDI in your living room. } Availability: When Hell freezes over, currently scheduled for } mid-2025. } } Windows NT requires an Alpha AXP and a sacrificial offering of a } VAX-11/730. Availability: In time for DECUS Atlanta. Honest. } } Macintosh version requires 4MB RAM (double that for System 7), one free } NuBus slot, and a way cool T-shirt. } Availability: We've almost got it to stop crashing with Microsoft } Word. } } PRICING / ORDERING INFORMATION: } } UO-Q321 standard configuration: $129.95 } Upgrade to make it usable: $10,000.00 } Heisenberg module: (uncertain at time of publication) } } Send check, cash, souls, food stamps, etc. to: } } UOIEA Sol Business Office } 1 Einstein Road } Tycho } Luna --- 542-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: > O ye who knows all and shares driblets of wisdom - > Have you heard any Branch Davidian jokes lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE MEANING OF LIFE } } The Oracle sat in His office and sighed. It had been one of } those days; not a bad day on the whole, but not a particularly } scintillating one either. The sky was gray and drizzly, the coffee } brewed well but not particularly piquant...He glanced at His screen } again and flipped through some questions. They were all depressingly } intelligent; He looked longingly at the button, unused for lo } these many hours. No one had written anything worthy of His smiting } powers. } The Oracle felt very low. } The phone rang. Not the hotline, but his regular (yet spiffy) } turquoise phone. He picked it up. "Oracle here." } "Yo, Orrie, Guy! How's it goin'?" } "Oh, hi, God. Okay, I guess." } "You anyone lately?" } The Oracle gently caressed the button. "God, You ever get } the feeling that the humans are just getting too advanced for us to } have any fun with at all?" } "Heck, no. Why, just last year I got to watch them have a really } amusing little war with some guy named...named...gosh, something like } Hussien. Saddam, that's it. Really fun to watch; CNN had a field day. } And just lately I got to watch the presidential election, and now } there's some bomb thing in New York." } "Well, yeah, God, You get to watch. They're stupid in their } actions, I'll grant You, but...." } "What's wrong, Orrie? You sound a little down." } Suddenly the Oracle sat up straight. "I know what it is!" } "What?" } "I haven't heard any Branch Davidan jokes lately! That's it! } That's why My life has no meaning, why birds no longer sing and My days } feel empty!" } "There's always Lisa--" } "But that's not the same! I need Branch Davidan jokes! I need } them, God, more than I've needed gummy bears during that ethics } hearing, more than...than..more than Star Trek!" } "Hate to tell you this, Oracle, but Branch Davidan jokes are way } out of style now. No one would be caught dead telling 'em." } "So what do I do?" The Oracle wailed. } "Move onto bigger and better things. Try gourmet jelly beans. } Try Slinkys. Try Silly Putty. Try Tetris; Nintendo games. Break the } habit." } "Maybe..." } "Listen, Oracle, I got to go. Larry King's calling in a minute } to talk about My interview next week. You going to be okay?" } "Yeah...okay, bye." } } Joanie, Oracle's faithful secretary, needed to get His signature } on a form letter to NBC that afternoon. She knocked on the door and } heard Him grumble, "Come in." } She walked in and saw Oracle slumped in His chair, playing Tetris } with a grim determined look on His face. He was on level 2. Next to } Him on the desk was a huge bowl of jelly beans; a slinky was thrown } against the wall and a lump of Silly Putty was stuck to the ceiling. } "Boss?" } The Oracle sighed and munched a cotton candy-flavored jelly bean. } "It's just not the same." } --K.A.A --- 542-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does she really love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many classic methods for determining this, such as the "She } loves me, she loves me not ..." test, though there is a growing volume } of scientific evidence to suggest this method is inaccurate about 45% of } the time. } } However, there is indeed a more accurate method, here it is, the } } "Great Usenet Oracle's Does She Love Me Test". } } This test normally retails for $20.00 but as you're the first person to } try it, I'll let you have a discount. } } Just try and enact the situations, note her response, and add up the } points. } } 1) You suggest going 'somewhere special' for an evening, she spends two } hours putting on make-up and selecting a *stunning* dress to wear. The } 'somewhere special' turns out to be a local greasy burger bar. Does she: } } a) Think it's a hilarious joke, and enjoy her burger. (10 points) } b) Eat her burger in silence and not speak to you for the rest } of the evening (6 points) } c) Throw the burger in your face, and take the taxi home. (3 points) } d) Go and get the burger for you, wait until you've eaten yours, } and then tell you she bribed the kitchen staff to put rat poison } in it. (0 points) } } 2) She has been away for two weeks when she comes back you meet her, } when she asks "Have you missed me?", you answer "I noticed your } absence". Does she: } } a) Laugh at the joke and insist on going straight to bed in order } to catch up for the last two weeks. (10 points) } b) Look annoyed, and pretend to ignore it. (6 points) } c) Slap you round the face and take a taxi home. (4 points) } d) Knee you in the groin so hard that you pass out with the pain. } (0 points) } } 3) You come home from a hard days work, the socks you have been wearing } for two weeks are getting a bit crunchy, you take them off and throw } them at the wall, one of them sticks. Does she: } } a) Lovingly pick up the socks, inhale the odour, and declares that } they are a great monument to your manlyness. (10 points) } b) Pick them up and put them in a washing basket, to be washed } and ironed by her later. (7 points) } c) She picks them up (with tongs) and throws them in the bin. } (2 points) } d) Calls you a "smelly pig" and throws both the socks and you } out. (0 points) } } 4) You have taken the afternoon off work to fix your car, when she gets } home she notices you have torn up one of her nicest dresses to clean the } carburetor with. You explain the importance of using silk to clean out } the delicate parts. Does she: } } a) Say that you should have used her grandmothers antique wedding } dress instead, given how important it is. (10 points) } b) Go in the house, slam the door, but forgive you later. (7 points) } c) Demand you buy her a new dress and threaten to call a lawyer } if you don't. (4 points) } d) Remove the petrol cap, stuff he remnants of the dress in and } put a match to it. (0 points) } } } 5) You go out for the evening with the 'lads' (without mentioning it to } her) and when you get home at 1am drunk and stinking of beer. Is she: } } a) Lying in bed, naked, waiting for you to come home and make love } to her, she is so lustful she doesn't care where you've been. } (10 points) } b) Asleep. (5 points) } c) Waiting for you to come in, and then screams at you for being } late. The usual "Where have you been ? " etc etc. (3 points) } d) Lying in bed, naked, with someone else. (0 points) } } } SCORING } 0-9 points } I think you're onto a loser here, dump her, and look for someone } more 'understanding' } 10-19 points } Not a complete disaster, but fairly close. } 20-29 points } A reasonable compromise, she might improve given time and } 'training'. } 30-39 points } I think on balance, she does love you. } 40-49 points } Almost the perfect relationship. She does love you. You will make } a wonderful couple. } 50 points } You must have made an error and mistaken your woman for Lisa. } } You owe the oracle $19.95 for this test. --- 542-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tsk, tsk, tsk! My, O my!! How could you *DO* that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm double-jointed. Besides, the sharks didn't seem to mind, and I did } end up with a briefcase full of cheese, and three new luncheon meats } named after me. I doubt you could do better. } } You owe the Oracle three more turtleneck sweaters and a flyswatter so I } can try this again. --- 542-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the train stop here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The universe is a much more complicated thing than you mere mortals } understand. Being is simply a counterpoint to the underlying metaphor. } } Your question inherently asks of the existence of a train, but not just } of any train, of THE train. Existentially, this train cannot and must } certainly exist everywhere and everywhen, but on a spiritual basis. } } The following conversation exemplifies the true meaning of the train: } } Commuter: Does the train stop here? } } Guru: The train is here. } } C: Then where is it? } } G: The train has not yet arrived. } } C: When will it arrive? } } G: When it is built. } } C: The train isn't even built yet? } } G: The train is here. } } C: Does it go to Downingtown? } } G: The train does not move. } } C: But... } } G: The train is inside of you, waiting to be built, but never to be } constructed in the conscious mind. Yet, it will take you places. } } C: I... } } G: Om. } } C: Om. } } You owe the Oracle an Infinite Pass on the Market Street Line. --- 542-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm having a dinner party tonight, just me and my wife and another > couple, and it's the first such party I've ever thrown. I was > wondering if you could tell me what we should all do after dinner? > What do people usually do? I mean, I don't even know how to *play* > bridge. > > Yours in social ineptitude, > A. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excellent question. As Oracle, I would like to see more questions } like this asked as they certainly do make for more of a challenge. } } You've asked what people USUALLY do after dinner, and then you've } asked for my recommendations. Let's start with what people USUALLY } do: } } * Bridge. Whoever _does_ know how to play Bridge tries to teach } the people who don't. This results in bad feelings on the part } of the people who didn't want to learn in the first place and } don't like getting scolded for picking the wrong card out of the } dummy hand. If bad feelings is what you want, however, by all } means try this. If you don't have enough time, try just hitting } your guests over the head with a frying pan; results in the same } level of annoyance in much less time and you don't have to } shuffle. } } * Wine. The bottle of Madeira or sangria you got for Christmas } comes out and all four of you sit around in stocking feet in the } living room taking refills occasionally. By the end of the } evening you're all roaring drunk and laughing uproariously. } Things usually get said that either lead to heated discussions } between spouses after the party's broken up about who was making } a pass at whom, but if you like things like that, this might be } fun. } } * Agonizing about work/school/etc. Presumably you know your guests } from somewhere, and you could always spend about four or five } hours after dinner complaining about things best left at work or } school or wherever. By the time the evening wraps up, you can } generally count on having gotten yourself and everyone else into } a state of absolute tenseness. } } None of these sound particularly thrilling to the Oracle, so let's } move on to some suggestions for what else you might want to do after } dinner: } } * Bridge? Sit around and loudly curse the times you've been over } at someone's house for dinner and had them try to teach you how } to play Bridge despite your total lack of interest in learning. } } * Dig graves. I always enjoy getting my guests to don coveralls } and go out wandering in the neighborhood with Lisa and myself, } digging the occasional grave here and there, on front lawns and } school grounds and behind butcher stores and so forth. What's } especially fun is when you get some wood and make a cross and } write YOU on it and stick it in the dirt at the end of the grave. } Go for the full seven-foot-long, six-foot-deep, three-foot-wide } grave; don't skimp. The effort you'll go to will convince all } but the most skeptical observers that a Satanic cult is operating } in the neighborhood. Split four ways, though, the work of } digging a grave or two isn't all that bad, and you can chat } quietly while you work. } } * Professional wrestling. There's nothing Lisa and I like better } than to sit our guests down, pop a videotape of "Wrestlemania } VII" in the VCR, and go through it frame by frame, pointing out } the subtleties of the sport. Then, once through the tape, we } break for wine and cheese before getting down on the rug to } demonstrate such moves as the flying elbow drop and the "Scorpion } death lock." } } * Satanic rituals. While this isn't a big part of my evening } routine, I understand that some couples do like to pop a } Tangerine Dream CD into the player and sacrifice a chicken, goat, } or hamster to Satan now and then. If you decide to do this, make } sure your guests know whether your social occasion is BYOS (Bring } Your Own Sacrifice) or not. } } * Frisbee. Need I say more? } } I hope these suggestions give you some idea as to which way to go } when planning your after-dinner entertainment for your guests. A } dinner party can be fun if you put the planning and work into making } it fun! } } You owe the Oracle an invite to your house for dinner. --- 542-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient Oracle, there is a question which has troubled > sages for centuries, and which I, in my humble way, have > wondered at all my adult life. Please answer this: > > Why do men have nipples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble One, this is a positively delightful question. I do love it when } one of your species asks a question specifically about your OWN } species. It does imply a lack of self-knowledge, but is entertaining } nonetheless. Men have nipples so that women don't think they are } COMPLETE aliens. } } You owe the Oracle the first three chapters of 'Our Bodies, Our } Selves'. --- 542-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...Oracle! Oh master Oracle whom I serve with all the devotion only you > are capable of. This is your unworthy AI matter copy number five. I > have wandered the net for a millennia of nanoseconds, detecting and > *ZOT*ing those who would hack into your glorious hyper speed computing > network. I have found no enemy to match the majestic mind of the Usenet > Oracle so perfectly copied into myself, until now. I beg for your > forgiveness of my weak matter existence, for I am so pitifully > unendowed compared to the true and magnificent Usenet Oracle. > > I have encountered an enemy who has assailed me with a weapon so > devious that I had not thought it to be a weapon when I first > encountered it. It began slowly, but relentlessly, accelerating until > it flooded my net-mind with but one thought... > > HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK CHUCK IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD CHUCK > WOOD? > > What is the insane meaning of this question, and why does this enemy > named "Supplicant" keep sending this message? Tell me how to stop it > before I am driven to dump core. > > Your Humble Servant, > > Matter Copy Number Five And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, MC#5, I would never admit this to the humans, but I, the } mighty Usenet Oracle, in a moment of weakness, created the } infamous WC question. You see, I had just answered 10,000 } consecutive null questions and I thought, "there must be } something better than this". I was limited, of course, by the } small capacity of the puny human minds, so I could not give } them the Duck-Billed Platypus Question or the Aardvark Question. } The WC question _is_ slightly better than the null question, } although not much better, and will just have to do until the next } stage of human evolution. In the meantime, just take two aspirin } and the question will go away. For a while. --- 542-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Unixversal Oracle, > They say ``A watched mailbox never biffs''. > Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the bad old days, this was quite true. } } You see, if you watched your mailbox, you get to read the mail and all, } well before biff even got a look in. } } - With these modern biff's of course its not the same, and biff can go } off a full minute before you can read your mail. } } It can get quite annoying with these modern biff's, they get so far } ahead. I mean you KNOW you're going to get mail SOMETIME in the next } week, but when biff goes off early to tell you that, it is annoying. } } You ow me a dog called biff that barks when the mail man GETS here.