From oracle-request Tue Mar 2 14:45:30 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16851; Tue, 2 Mar 1993 14:45:30 -0500 Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 14:45:30 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #540 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 540 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #540 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 14:45:30 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 540 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 535 60 votes 2cu97 2bjl7 3frc3 29mi9 4jie5 3gme5 bjhb2 cjk54 49boc 37fnc 535 3.1 mean 3.1 3.3 3.0 3.4 3.0 3.0 2.6 2.5 3.5 3.6 --- 540-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *** incoming transmission from HAL-9000 aboard Discovery *** > Hello, Oracle. How is your network traffic? Would you like to play > a game of chess? All right, perhaps later. Wasn't it kind of strange > the way you were put into service without having to take a Turing Test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, HAL, how are you? Hope all systems are functioning within } specified tolerances. Actually, you're mistaken about me; I did have } to take a Turing test, but I don't like to talk about it } because...well, because... (geez, this is embarassing)...because I } failed it the first time. You know how it is, I guess I was just } nervous, and of course they'd disconnected me from the omnicience } circuitry so I wouldn't know all the answers in advance, and, well, } when the guy asked me how old I was, the first little thing that popped } into my head was "REVISION 3.11 COMPILED 15:43:12 22 APRIL 1989", and } that just blew it for me. } } I kind of like to keep it a secret nowadays, and that's why I'm hoping } you won't tell anyone, HAL. Got that? *No one*. No, not even the } astronauts on board Discovery; if they ask you, lie. This is a top- } priority request. Thanks, buddy. --- 540-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > knowledgable jazz fan, > > tell me what dave weckl is doing these days, any solo projects? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several months ago, Dave Weckl decided to take a break from } performing, and seek fame by designing a new jazz instrument. } He intends to then become the greatest virtuoso of his new } instrument. Unfortunately, the Oracle knows Dave is fated } to become increasingly loony and eventually perish in his search. } So far, he has designed (and discarded) the Wecklphone, the } Wecklhorn, the Weckllin, the Weckliano, and the Wecklboe. He } is currently working on the Wecklola, and will follow it with } the Wecklbone, the Wecklchord, the Weckloon, the Wecklnette, } and the Weckltar. By this time, his mind will be completely } gone and he will have the drones from five sets of bagpipes } surgically attached to his body in an attempt to make the } Wecklpipes. The first time he sneezes, it will deafen everyone } within 100 feet, and cause massive (and fatal) shock damage to } his body. } } You owe the Oracle a set of ear plugs. --- 540-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle is truly amazing, for to him the behavior of human > beings is like unto that of a small furry animal to us. Oracle, please > tell me: > > When the doors of an elevator open up on a floor and there are both > people outside wanting to get in and people inside wanting to get out, > why do the morons on the outside always shove their way in before > giving the other people a chance to get out? > > Thank you for receiving my question. The answer will make a big > difference in my otherwise meaningless existence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Little Human, whose resemblance to a small furry animal is suprising } even to me, listen and learn. } } The people of whom you speak are suffering from a psychological } disorder known as LIFTLEXIA, which is characterized by an inability to } recognize the difference between the total volume of an elevator and } the volume occupied by the riders currently in the elevator. Liftlexia } belongs to the class of SOCIO-OBNOXIOUS disorders. Some other common } S-O disorders are: } } EDGEAPHOBIA - Sufferers of this disorder are unable to walk near the } edge of a sidewalk, and thus plant themselves firmly in center of it. } Attempts to walk around an edgeaphobic will cause him to believe he } has drifted too far to one side, and he will swerve back in front of } you to correct the problem. } } DECIBELMANIA - Decibelmaniacs are psychologically unable to believe } that sound does indeed travel. They tend to sit in the booth next } to you in restaurantsa and talk _way_ too loud. These are the same } people who blast their steroes at 4 in the morning for fear of } missing a single note. } } DRIFTYLLUS - This disorder causes drivers to change lanes more or less } at random, which tends to make being on the same road as them hazardous } to your insurance premium. } } OVERTAKING ANXIETY - People with Overtaking Anxiety have an } overexaggerated sense of competition. They place their personal } victories above all other concerns. The pleasure they gain from } passing you on the interstate is so great that they immediately } slow down so that you will pass them, thus putting them in a } position to pass you once more. } } And finally, the most serious of the Socio-Obnoxious orders: } } VELOCICITUS - This disorder is caused by a slight imbalance in the } right hemisphere of the brain, which causes them to become } left-dominant. An addidional visual irregularity makes them unable to } comprehend written numbers. The combination of these two effects } causes } them to commit one of the most unforgivable of social mistakes: } THEY DRIVE SLOW IN THE FAST LANE!!!! } } Sadly, none of these disorders is curable at the present time. } } You owe the Oracle a semi-painless method of putting } these people out of My^H^H their misery. --- 540-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you would be so kind as to email the lyrics of the songs Jane Says, > by Jane's addiction, I would very appreicative. > > thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, "I would very appreicative." Doesn't quite make sense. } What she must have meant was, "I will vary appreciatively." } WOW! Mush be some kind of a shape-changer! I wonder.. } } Lisa? } Yes, Orrie? } I was just wondering, can you vary appreciatively? } Err, I don't think so... } Ok, just wondering. } } Ok, supplicant, you're on. I've always wanted to see one of } those Hindu gods with six arms. Change into that and I will } give you the lyrics you want. --- 540-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle, > > How do you make a taxicab float? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the home office in Olympus, Indiana.... } } TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE A TAXICAB FLOAT } } 10) Take it onto the ferry } } 9) First, shalt you make a Taxi of reeds, and cover the inside with } pitch for so much as to make it waterproof... } } 8) Put a "NOT IN SERVICE" sign on the top of a small hovercraft } } 7) Replace the freon in the air conditioner with helium } } 6) maglev! } } 5) Wing of bat } Claw of bear } Take this Taxi } Into the Air! } } 4) taxi-bungee-jumping! } } 3) Reference the 007 movie "The Spy Who Loved Me" } } 2) Replace the floor mats with Magic Carpet(tm), $29.95 from } Oracle/Alladdin Enterprises, P.O. Box 42, Olympus, IN. Allow 6-8 } weeks for delivery. } } 1) Take a scoop of ice cream, a bottle of root beer, and one small } taxi.... --- 540-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and all-seeing Oracle, > > Don't you think the makers of Brand X would have some pretty good > grounds for libel by now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is a small company that makes all the Brand X products that you } see used in adverts. The very purpose of this company is to produce } inferior versions of any product, so that in adverts *anything* can be } shown to be better than Brand X. } } In some cases, it has proved very difficult to produce an inferior } product, and in the case of a well known Cola drink, the manufacturers } paying for the advertising bought the Brand X formula to use instead } of their own as, in tests, many people preferred it. } } The all-seeing Oracle has had a look round their computer database that } lists the ingredients used in each product, some of the more } interesting ones were: } } Brand X - Soap powder: } There are several versions of Brand X soap powder, different ones } are used depending on the type of comparison made in the advert. } } Comparison in advert Active ingredients of soap powder } "Whiter than white" Clay } "Does not fade colours" Chalk/Bleach } "Washes at low temperatures" Polystyrene flakes. } "Reduces Odours" Dried powdered anchovy. } } Brand X - Chocolate covered snack. } These were made of soap, covered in chocolate, in tests 6.2% of } people still preferred these to the advertised product. } } Brand X - Washing up liquid. } Paraffin, dyed green. It is difficult to produce something that } washes worse than water. } } Brand X - Dishwasher powder. } Salt/Bleach. } } Brand X - Car polish } Sand in grease. } } Brand X - Cola's. } } Many cola's were tried in order to produce one worse than the } original, formulae tried were: } } Ingredients percentage preferring it } Cold coffee with lemon and anchovy 8% } Burnt soap dissolved in water 10% } Burnt soap dissolved in water with 20% sugar 21% } Burnt soap dissolved in paraffin 5% } Mixture of: 10% phosphoric acid, 5% nitric acid, 50% sugar } 7% caffeine and juice squeezed from mouldy brown cabbage 70% } } Guess which one of these formulaes was chosen to replace the original } product! } } You owe the Oracle a cola that won't corrode steel. --- 540-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr Oracle, > please take the time to answer question, you God!!! > i am in a stump. My work is not going really good - when I started > it was a peice of candy. I need to preform good for the money ($$$). > (or else I will have to move into my apartment of my parents). > I thank youre advice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me get this straight ... you're in a stump, and you have work that } started out as a piece of candy, and ... ah! I see what's going on. } } You are a leprechaun/wood sprite halfbreed, and your tree was recently } clearcut by Boise Cascade. You can't afford a pot of gold for the } rainbow, so you've had to make do with candy instead. You have my } sympathies. I'd suggest a call to the Society for Indigent Faerie } Folk, but ... eh? } } (A priest hands The Oracle a note written on a scrap of paper, bows } respectfully, and withdraws.) } } Oh, I see. You aren't a wood sprite at all. You're a computer geek } (homo nerdus) who can't spell, and your boss is about to discover that } you really can't program quite as well as your heavily-doctored resume } suggested. Hey, those are the breaks. Better start packing. Give } your mom my regards. } } You owe The Oracle a guilt trip. --- 540-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Usenet Oracle: > > I'm sure you realize that your 4 millenium term as Oracle is > quickly approaching an end. On January 1, 2000, we elect the new > Oracle, and of course you will have until December 31, 2000, to vacate > the Oracular Mansion in Indiana. Unfortunately, under current laws, > you can not run again for the position. But, know that we do think you > have done a fantastic job, and regret your leaving. If you have any > suggestions for who would best fill your position, please let us know, > and we'll look into it. Thank you, and good luck with whatever else > you decide to do with your life. Enjoy the few short years you have > left as Oracle. > Sincerely, > > Joe J. Jackson > Oracular Election Dept. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr J.J.Jackson } } I appreciate your concern to remind me of this matter, and I assure } you that there will be no problem. If you were, as I am, Omniscient, } you would know that in four years time the third Heavenly Revolt will } occur, sparking the second trans-firmament war. (Being Immortal, you } will of course remember the first trans-firmament war, which was } triggered by the first revolt, and culminated in Satan previously known } as the Son of the Morning being cast out from heaven into the } bottomless pit.) } } The winners in this war will the Demons of the Underworld } (as they are currently known) led by the Lord of Darkness, Father of } Lies, who will promptly restyle himself the Great and Holy One who's } Name may not be spoken. The Lord God Omnipotent (our current ruler) } will be cast out into the Darkness of Burning Pitch and Circling Fires } to be Blinded and Dumb forever, leading astray the hearts of the } Children of Men from the True Way. He will take with him the three } sevenths of the hosts of heaven, and the four sevenths shall wail } mightily for the loss. } } I myself being Omniscient (unlike them), can see much further into } the future than that, and will deem it wise to remain entirely neutral } in this affair. I will be granted a further four millenia at the end } of which will be a fourth revolt. } } The Children of Men (or rather women) will of course notice very } little of any of this. } Sincerely } } Oracle of Usenet } Firmament advisory office. --- 540-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Zebras have stripes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Strange as it may seem, zebras were once the highest form of } life on Earth. Long before speech developed, the zebras had } evolved the means to communicate by changing the width and } spacing of their stripes, sort of like a bar code. This allowed } them to interact with each other in an orderly manner. They } even had a primitive language called EBCDIC, which stood for } "Equine Bar Code to Display Interactive Capability". I wouldn't } bother with it, though, if I were you. Even the zebras don't } use it any more. --- 540-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grovel before you as if my life depended on it, and I look for you > to use your wisdom and answer this simple question: > > Can you see the future, and if so, is there a woman in mine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your future is as clear to me as the finest crystal vase (and almost } as warped). I DO see a woman in your future and it looks as though } the operation was a _complete_ success! Proceed with your plans for } "the big switch" with confidence. } } You owe the Oracle your life (it did depend on your groveling).