From oracle-request Sun Nov 22 00:10:34 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05247; Sun, 22 Nov 1992 00:10:34 -0500 Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 00:10:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #504 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 504 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #504 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 00:10:34 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 504 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 499 39 votes 248k5 6ia32 6ac83 1385m 8k830 c9d32 356fa 4f983 1agb1 9gd10 499 2.9 mean 3.6 2.4 2.8 4.1 2.2 2.3 3.6 2.8 3.0 2.2 --- 504-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous Oracle, who was able to change the Holy Guidelines with the > full support of the Backbone Cabal *and* the unanimous approval of > news.groups, I beg you to answer the question of this most humble > supplicant. I am as pond scum to your divine intestinal parasites. > Please, please, find it in your heart to grant me an attoscopic spec of > your infinite wisdom. > > I'd like to say right up front that this is a hypothetical question. > No basis in fact whatsoever. Any similarity to persons, events, or > shirts living or dead is purely the result of distortions caused by a > rift in the space-time continuum. > > Let's say (hypothetically, of course) there was a girl named, oh, say, > let me pick a name completely at random here, Carrie, who had a > hypothetical crush on the supplicant. Furthermore, the supplicant has, > over the years, formed a deep-seated hatred for Carrie. Telling her > that doesn't work. You'd think it would, wouldn't you? You'd be > wrong. (Not you personally, of course, O hyperglorious Oracle, you're > *never* wrong.) She just followed the supplicant around all day like a > particularly obnoxious puppy in heat, babbling things like "I know you > love me." Hypothetically. > > Let's say, furthermore, that the supplicant had a hypothetical shirt. > Plaid. With fuchsia(*), white, blue, a brownish color, and maybe a > dark hypothetical green. > > (* This should in no way reflect on the manhood of the supplicant.) > > Now, in this hypothetical scenario, Carrie and the supplicant are still > in high school. The supplicant is carrying the aforementioned shirt > (and wearing another one--the reason why isn't really relevant to the > question). He sets it down on a nearby desk for a moment and turns > around. When he looks back, the shirt is *gone* (GONE!) and Carrie is > standing there with this stupid grin on her face. > > So the supplicant is fairly annoyed. Carrie had obviously stolen his > nice plaid shirt. > > The next day, still speaking hypothetically, of course, Carrie came in > *wearing the supplicant's shirt*! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!! Can you > *believe* it? Very calmly, I asked her to give it back. She said "but > , I only have a bra on under it!" and > smiled stupidly, as above. I point out that she certainly has > something in her gym locker that she could change into, but it didn't > help. She skips around all day saying remarkably witty things like > "I'm wearing 's shirt!" > > The next hypothetical day, she didn't return it. Or the next day. Or > the day after that. The supplicant is getting pretty hypothetically > pissed. When Carrie finally returned the shirt, *it hadn't even been > *washed**! A situation like that clearly requires nested asterisks. > > Geez, it's years later, and I'm *still* massively annoyed. So, O kind, > magnanimous Oracle, what should I do to her? Would it be bloody? > > Hypothetically speaking, of course. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, hypothetically speaking, I don't think I'd care so much about the } shirt because it's kind of ugly anyway. But I can see the problem. } } Your problem is that in a large number of cases, no means yes. Let me } explain. When a guy acts completely uninterested in someone, say, } hypothetically, a girl, then she tends to work all the more hard at } being noticed. When she is noticed, and given attention, even } hatefully so, then she receives the idea that you do care and will } continue to bug you until your privates fall off or you're in the } grave. } } My suggestion is to elect Carrie Prom Queen and then dump pig's blood } on her. However, I'd get away after that, because she will most likely } destroy the town and hunt down all responsible. Then you can write a } novel about it, and hide from copyright suits. } } You owe the Oracle purple slacks with orange stripes. --- 504-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, most etymological Oracle, > > Who was the first to coin the phrase "Bite Me"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Abel. --- 504-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that pi=3.1415... and e=2.7172..... > are the most common numbers in nature, yet we > cannot represent them exactly. Do we really > understand anything? Is all science at a loss? > Am I even worthy to ask such questions? Or should > I join the billions and just be one of the heard? > Confused and Uninformed... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contused and Misinformed, you mean. } } You've obviously been spending too much time with your nose in } mid-level Physics texts and not enough time out in nature. Pi and e } get a lot of mention in physics (and engineering and math) texts, but } they don't really appear that much in nature. Let's take a look at } some of the more common questions that people ask me that demand a } numerical answer: } } Question Answer } -------- ------ } Two trains start 300 miles apart, each travelling... } How far apart are they when they pass each other? 0 } } If you were building a computer solely to work with real } numbers (i.e. not specialized to work with integers), } what would be the best base to use? Binary? e } } My paper is due in three hours, but I haven't started doing } the reading yet. What are my chances of finishing? 0 } } How many roads must a man walk down? 2 roads. } } Which irrational number has been the subject of the most } puns? pi } } That girl at the next terminal--what does she think of me? Zero. } } How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop? 33-57, } usu. 39 } } There's a frog... 28 days } } How many licks to get to the center of the Statue of Liberty? Errr... } } How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck... } } Even from this sample space of just ten questions, I think you'll } realize that while pi and e do show up a fair amount of the time, 0 is } really the most common number of all, and we're able to represent that } quite nicely, thank you. } } You owe the Oracle absolutely nothing. --- 504-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take the tentacles out of the oven and lay them out to cool. This } should take about ten minutes. In the meantime, get the eyestalks out } of the fridge. Slice them into chunks about one inch long. Beat a } small amount of tabasco sauce in with the leftover ichor and place in a } small bowl. Arrange the eyestalk chunks around the bowl in an } attractive fashion. When the tentacles have cooled, cover them with the } cream of intestine sauce. Throw around a little parsley, and serve. } You owe the Oracle a doggie bag. --- 504-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent, wonderful Oracle. May your queue always be the fastest. > May the cat never sit on your washing. Please answer my plea. > > Do you give interviews ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and you just failed. } } But you're in luck. I've just received a make-up interview that I've } been waiting to try on some sucker^H^H^H^H^H^H prospect. You're it. } } Instructions: you have 20 minutes to answer the following questions. } All answers must be complete (no partial credit) and all work must be } shown. This is closed book/notes. No calculators/computers allowed. } You may use one cat or small rodent on the question of your choice. } } 1. Why Not? } } 2. Just what is 'nerf' (as in Nerf Ball) and where does it come from. } } 3. Was there a God? } } 4. If you could be anything I wanted you to be, what would you be? } } 5. What is the wind-chill at absolute-zero with a 60 mph wind? } } 6. Define yourself and give three examples. } } 7. What would happen if a law was passed that made laws illegal? } } 8. Apply question #7 to the laws of physics. } } 9. What is question #10 (don't forget to answer it)? } } 10. } } Good luck. } } You owe the Oracle an unsolvable paradox with two solutions. --- 504-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would life be like living without computers ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Without a bit of fun. } } You owe the Oracle a bad computer-related pun. --- 504-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise and all-knowing Oracle, whose wisdom has enlightened the > USENET supplicants more than the glow from Chernobyl, whose wit is > sharper than the edge of a broken beer bottle, and whose feet smell as > the sweet ambrosia of heaven... > > HELP ME! > > You're a man, right? (Ok, an all-knowing, most powerful, and > infallible god--but still male--right?) My wife is driving me insane! > She's pregnant and she's CRYING ALL OF THE TIME. I ask her "why are > you crying", and she says "I don't know". "Are you worried about the > baby" "No..." "Are you sick?" "No...I'm just weepy...*sob*" > > Arrrgh! Hormonal women drive me crazy. O great Oracle, whose morning > eye-boogers are more precious than platinum, why are women so strange > when their hormones go ballistic? And why do pregnant women get weepy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well -- let's be honest. Men get really strange when their hormones } go ballistic, too. You should have seen what guys did before I } evented football and hockey. They were *really* loony. } } So it's not all that much different for women than us guys. It's just } that it's not socially acceptable for a pregnant woman to pick up } someone else and throw them 15 feet as a release of tension. } } Crying is socially acceptable, though, so that's their release. } And since the hormonal levels tend to be slightly higher for the } average pregnant woman than the average football player, the effect is } usually a lot more profound. } } So, my advice to you: } 1) Cut back on watching football for awhile. No need to } give your wife any ideas. } 2) Buy stock in Kleenex. } 3) Stock up on chocolate. } } You owe the Oracle tickets to the first college women's football game. --- 504-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Smoke lazily curled around the languidly wheeling paddles of the > overhead fan, catching the light of the cramped and stifling > room's solitary lamp. The halon lamp had been tilted to point directly > at a single figure in the windowless chamber, seated upon a chair worn > smooth by countless occupants. The figure drew a breath from a > Lucky Strike cigarette, silently cursed the black pentacle drawn upon > the floor around him, and tried unsuccessfully to conceal his > nervousness. The four other occupants of the room, two seated and two > standing with arms folded, were all obscured by the effulgent beam of > light. Apollo stood up, adjusted his tunic, and stretched. The figure > started to stand up as well, but Apollo waved him to sit back down. > The god stepped into the lamplight and peered down at the prisioner. > Both the god and the suspect might have seemed flawlessly handsome to a > mortal, but they could see in each other's faces the subtle blemishes > and signs of age that even the gods themselves cannot conceal from each > other. > > Said Apollo, "From the top. Again." > > Replied the figure, "Oh, COME ON! We've been over this a thousand > times!" > > Unmoved, Apollo withdrew from the light and sat down again. "Your > story leaves us with too many questions. So, again, I will ask: > > Oh all-seeing Oracle, whose hair is combed by the passing stars, > whose lips utter wisdoms ancient and ulterior, > > Where were you on the night before John F. Kennedy's assassination?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suddenly, the door opened. Five men dressed in pin-striped suits and } fedoras, and carrying large semi-automatic weapons, burst into the } room. Suspiciously, all of them looked exactly like the single figure } in the pentacle. } } Apollo whirled. "Oracle! Oracle! Oracle! Oracle! Oracle! What? } How?" } } The figure in the pentacle chuckled. "Don't tell me you're locked in } *that* body all the time. I am many, not just one." He gestured to } his fellow Oracles. "Boys, neutralize these good people." } } One of the other four occupants of the room got up and blocked their } path. "I'm not afraid of no Oracles," he said, ungrammatically. "I'm, } like, a god, see? I'm, what you say, undestructibubble." } } Suddenly, the five weapons burst into life. } } } } The occupant crumpled into a charred heap. } } "Semi-automatic ! Impressive!" said Apollo. "Okay, you win." } } He erased the pentacle. The captured Oracle rejoined his fellows. } } "Now," said Oracle #1, "what shall we do with you? What is a fitting } punishment?" } } "Being sent to Earth to mate with large numbers of mortals?" asked } Apollo, hopefully. } } "You should be so lucky. No, I've got a better idea. I've got a lot } of woodchuck questions waiting back in my office, and you're just the } god to answer them." } } "Woodchucks! No!!" shrieked Apollo. } } "Woodchucks!" murmured Apollo's acolytes, who you've probably forgotten } about by now. "Woodchucks! Anything but woodchucks! A woodchuck } killed my partner!" } } "And there's a few 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' questions needing } to be answered as well," continued Oracle #2, remorselessly. } } "I'll take the woodchucks," said Apollo, turning to leave. He then } paused, and turned back. "Oh, by the way: what *were* you doing the } night before JFK was murdered?" } } "Watching the 'I Love Lucy' episode in which Lucy is working at the } conveyor belt in the pie factory," said Oracle #3. } } "Oh." Apollo left, along with his henchmen. } } Oracle #4 turned to the others. "That was easy. Now what?" } } Oracle #5 grinned. "Lisa is waiting." } } Thus began the argument: } } "Hey, wait!" } "Lisa is *my* girlfriend!" } "I was the original Oracle! You're just a clone!" } "No, you are!" } } It continued well through the night... --- 504-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-mighty Oracle who is all knowing... > > What is your relationship with the Oracle of Delphi? Are you one > and the same, or did you have to supplant the Delphic Oracle > before becoming the Usenet Oracle? > > It's all Greek (or Geek) to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, old Del? Nah, I didn't have to supplant anyhow -- he just beat } me to the cushy job, that's all. Del and I go way back... } } [cue flashback] } } "It must have been ancient Greece... Del and I were still in our third } millenia back then, and were pretty wild. We'd stopped down on Earth } to check out this great cave he'd found. Seems there'd been this } earthquake..." } } Usenet Oracle: [inhaling] "...wow... what're these fumes?" } Delphic Oracle: [also inhaling] "...I dunno... some sort of noxious } gas, I think..." [inhales again, deeply] } UO: "...mmm...wow...yeah...what?...*sniff*..." } DO: "...what?...mmm...*sniff*..." } UO: "...y'ever...y'ever really *look* at your hand, man?...wow..." } DO: "...wow...mmm..." } } "Just about that time, there was this bleating noise from the mouth of } the cave..." } } Usenet Oracle: "...what'd you say?..." } Delphic Oracle: "...mmm?...what?...did you say somethin'?...wow..." } UO: "...what?...no....wow......" } } "A shepherd named Coretas had set his goats to grazing near the cave, } and had noticed that the goats that breathed the vapours from the } opening were acting pretty strangely, even for goats. Once we figured } this out, Del decided to have a little fun. He planned on gliding } over near the entrance and possesing one of the goats -- y'know, the } standard routine: make the goat say a few sentences, fly maybe, stuff } like that. Problem was, Del was a little looped out by then, so his } aim was off. Turns out his hit Coretas by mistake, causing him to } start spewing forth all sorts of nonsense. Well, those Greeks just } ate it up -- they built a shrine and started consulting Del for all } sorts of piddling little mortal problems..." } } [end flashback] } } ...and that's how it happened. Del got treated like a god in the } "navel of the Earth", he managed to ditch Coretas in favor of some } chick named Pythian, and he got all the giggle gas he could handle. I } think he's even retired by now. Lucky me gets to cope with woodchuck } questions in Indiana. There's no justice in the skies, let me tell } you. } } *sigh* } } It's not easy being me. } -- } } You owe the Oracle a "Willie and Del in '96: Inhaling Together" button } and a comforting pat on the back. --- 504-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracular Wordsmith Extraordinaire! Splendiferous Multisyllabic > Tome-meister without peer in the spinning, hurtling Cosmos! I'm an > unemployed English Major skilled at deciphering the meanings of > opium-induced works of literature produced by tubercular nancy-boys > and macho men who like to shoot elephants because their mothers > dressed them in girly clothes when they were babies. Is there a > place on the Olympian payroll for someone with my talents. I've > checked out the opportunities here on earth pretty thoroughly and > I'm all played out. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! Young poet and artist, your only problem is that you are mis- } placed in Time. (Wonderful grovel, by the way.) Alas, in this } epitome of fast-food society, there is no place for your talents } unless you wish to change your specialty to the deciphering of } the meanings of Meisterbrau-induced works of rhythmic rhymes } produced by the downtrodden of their fellow man (or so they claim } even when they are making millions of dollars from the proceeds } of their works). } } We would welcome you on Olympus, except we have a selection of } competent Muses on staff (tenured), and they are not in need of } assistance (and even if they were, the budget does not allow for } the creation of a position until the beginning of next fiscal } year. } } However, I might have just the thing: I will send you back in } Time to be incarnated as a poet of the period you most admire. } There the stress of going through childhood with the name "Percy } Bysse Shelley" will provoke in you the rich, poetic response you } will need to produce great works of art, rather than just study } them as you do now. } } Ready? } } Say hello to Mary for me! And remember to give her that trip to } Austria, or she'll never forgive you. } } You owe the Oracle a portrait of the artist as a young man.