From oracle-request Sun Sep 27 15:54:05 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17351; Sun, 27 Sep 1992 15:54:05 -0500 Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 15:54:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #483 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 483 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #483 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 15:54:05 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 483 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 478 32 votes 36h60 4b962 25997 189b3 569a2 6g910 5g830 317f6 4c952 38c54 478 2.9 mean 2.8 2.7 3.4 3.2 2.9 2.2 2.3 3.6 2.7 3.0 --- 483-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who sees without seeing and knows > without knowing, please tell me, your humble supplicant, if a tree > falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a > sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [A placid but ascetic temple. A bad imitation of Chinese music twangs } discordantly in the background, occasionally punctuated by the muttered } curses of the musicians. A painfully thin boy with a shaved head, clad } in a saffron robe, kneels before a wise old man, who gazes down at him } in a benign but condescending manner.] } } Boy: Master, I do not understand this question. } } Master: Of course not, Grasshopper; questions you understand do not } stretch your mind. } } Boy: What a crock! Do you expect me to swallow this malarkey? } } Master: Certainly, Grasshopper. How else can you achieve serenity and } universal knowledge? } } Boy: Serenity!? Universal knowledge!!?? HA! [drawing large caliber } revolver] Take THAT [BLAM!] you overbearing, smug, self-satisfied old } FART! [BLAM! BLAM!] } } Master: Gaak. } } Musicians: Twang. } } You owe the Oracle a tape recorder. --- 483-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orcacle, whose powers stretch below the imagination. And the being who > knows all the boundaries. Please tell me this in exchange for a pat on > the back and a pizza: What is the reason for exams to exist and who is > the idiot who invented them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time, a headhunter for a large bureaucratic organization } (which shall remain nameless) had hired a computer science major for } an Operating System design team who claimed on his resume that he had } "significant Unix system administration skills and experience" but in } fact, he had only taken two semesters of Pascal and Cobol programming. } Although the newly graduated programmer was soon promoted to manage the } overall design of Ultrix, the headhunter was shat upon by an upset } vice-president for his mistake and warned that he would be force fed } VMS code should he fail again. } } Distressed with how 99% of the world lie on about 99% of their resumes, } he wanted a fool-proof way to figure out a person's skills just from } how they talked, how they dressed, what they ate, and how big his head } was. In short, he wanted to be able to walk into a room of college } seniors or recent college graduates to pick out who actually could type } 100 wpm, who could calculate the penetration of a certain radio } frequency into a pile of tofu at 42.4 degrees Celsius, who could spit } into a bucket 100 feet away, etc. } } So he snivelled to me, "Please Oh Great One, tell me how I can make my } job easier?" And I, in my ultimate wisdom, replied, "Tell Ken Olsen } about it. He'll eat anything. Tell him to give large monetary and } computer grants to educational institutions around the world. Tell the } teachers to institute a program to cultivate their progenies, to change } their way of life. For this will allow us to hire the proper people } for the proper jobs. And no other company could take advantage of this } slick and underhanded scheme because it is intuitively obvious that VMS } is the "fastest" and "most beautiful" operating system in the world, } and no-one would dare work for any other company 'sides us. So mote it } be." } } So he said this unto his boss, and she to her boss, etc. until Ken } Olsen was told of this plan. And he thought and ruminated upon this } plan. And he called a board meeting and said, "Hey, I have a really } wifty plan to make IBM wet their pants." And so his new plan was swept } into action. And our poor headhunter was shat upon again. } } So within months, exams came into form and being. Professors hinted } strongly about how they should study long and hard and commit long } and tedious words into their memory. Professors of some of the more } technical were soon forced to change their clothes. Computers were } heralded as a new time-saving tool, and subliminal messages such as } "BUSINESS MAJORS MUST DRINK A KILO-LITER OF BEER A NIGHT", "RECESSIVE } BIOLUMINESENCE GENETIC TRAIT PATTERNS", and "WEAR PLAID WHEN GOING ON A } DATE" were placed into computer screens across the world, displayed far } too fast for any one to actually see but just often enough to affect } the brain. } } And soon, people started to change. You could go to a party and figure } out who's a computer geek by whether they say "send me mail", who's a } physical ed major by whether they look big and burly and talk about } "failing urine tests", and who's an economist if they mention 'marks' } and 'pounds' in the same sentence without talking about "SlimFast". } } In the end, almost anyone could tell who was what just by talking to } them and muttering the magical ancient mystical phrase "So watze Yamay } J'r". The headhunter was unable to convince anyone with any brains to } come work for his company, was shat upon by his boss for hiring } complete doofus-es once more before being fired, and the big ominious } company lay shattered, tattered, and in ruins. } } I will use you for an example. } } From your references to power and electrical boundary conditions, your } diet, and your academic arrogance, you are obviously an Electrical } Engineer. Since you are so well versed in the studies of electricity, } you are no doubt familiar high intensity charged entities. I will help } you in your education; you will become very familiar with a large } directed mother-of-all lightning-bolts static electrical charge, i.e. } } } You owe The Oracle a real grovel and a can of Deviled Spam. --- 483-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Popperian Oracle, > > Now that the French have had their referendum on the Maastricht treaty: > when only 69.95% of the voters bothered to vote and only 51.5% of their > votes were 'yea', how can the politicians say it passed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never underestimate the power of politicians to manipulate results. } After all, a British government once got in when more people voted for } the opposition parties. } } Besides, the Danes rejected it, and the German Bundesbank have spoken } out against it. Don't worry, it will never happen. } } You owe the Oracle a concerted attack on the Mark, forcing it out of } the ERM. --- 483-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle on high, > Look down upon this plaintiff; hear my plea: > I am no master poet; tell me why > Do women always want love poetry? > Like Shakespeare did for young Miss Hathaway > (Though I am nothing like that famous Will), > My girlfriend wants a sonnet every day, > Yet such endeavor is beyond my skill. > It seems unreasonable to expect > A man to cough up pretty lines at whim, > And yet she would accuse him of neglect; > I ask you, Sir: what will become of him? > O Oracle from whom all blessings flow, > Please answer me (and tell me what I owe). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O tiny little supplicant below } I'm looking down upon you as I write. } You happy? Good. Now, what you want to know } Is why you have to write a poem despite } Having not the literary skill } That God has given to the chimpanzee. } It seems to me your girlfriend's heart is filled } With dreams of dancing most romantically. } She hopes that you will someday sweep her off } Her feet, and carry her away to lands } Unknown, where you and she will have enough } Of love and faith. But you must understand } That 'though you live with her, as man and wife, } To take your love for granted would inspire } Her to set your silly male ass on fire. } } You owe the Oracle a haiku. --- 483-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, my Oracle, whose verdant pastures cause no hayfever, whose > creative juices flow beyond all bounds, whose understanding dwarfs > even really really big things, whose Sweet Baboo Lisa is righteously > babular, upon whose countenance I may not gaze for prolonged periods > for fear of potential retina damage, guide me with your wisdom and your > all-encompassing brainage. > > Tell me: > > Why does i come before e except after c? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because i is a hot little bastard and a bit nervous about his } performance. e, on the other hand, is more phlegmatic and waits for i } to come first. She then chides i pitylessly. } } However, when i is calmer, he can control himself for a longer time and } comes after e. A visit to his mistress c earlier in the night can } bring about such an effect. } } You owe the Oracle a skin flick starring x and o. --- 483-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most magnanimous oracle, whose mouth is not worthy of the IU > computers on which it resides! > > Why does Purdue always beat I.U. at basketball? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, } } That chicken guy may look kinda wimpy, but when you make as much } money as he does, you can afford some serious training. } } You owe the oracle a dozen grade A extra large eggs. --- 483-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Wise and Knowing Oracle, please quench my curiosity: > > How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an > attractive female woodchuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: The Oracle's headquarters. Sitting at many banks of computer } terminals are the priesthood of the Oracle. The Oracle Himself sits } on a throne towards the back of the room, eating grapes peeled by Lisa. } One of the priests gasps, wrings his hands, swallows slowly, then gets } out of his chair and approaches the Oracle. } } Priest: Umm...oh, Great Oracle, whose wondrous visage is rightfully } likened to a great and powerful dawn, that... } } Oracle: (interupting) Yes, loyal priest, what is it? } } Priest: Well, there's this problem, I mean a query, more like... } } Oracle: What is it? What is the question about? } } Priest: (very quietly) Umm...sir, the supplicant seeks information... } that is to say the question deals...what I mean...well, woodchucks, } sir. } } Oracle: (rising) WOODCHUCKS!?!? Where? } } Priest points to the terminal which still displays: } > How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an } > attractive female woodchuck? } } Oracle: Well, that's not so bad, at least not grounds for an automatic } ZOT. } } Priest: It isn't? } } Oracle: No, I'll just go find out the answer myself. *POOF* } } Scene: The forest. More specifically, the woods near the dwelling of } Manassas Mike, the world's only talking woodchuck. Mike is resting } outside his hole. } } Oracle: (appearing in a *POOF*) Hello, Mike. I was wondering if you } could answer a question about... } } Mike: What? Not another woodchuck question!! Haven't I suffered } enough? Every day, is "How much wood" this and "How much wood" that, } and I'm tired... } } Oracle: No, it's not that. } } Mike: Really. Okay, what's the question? } } Oracle: How much wood could a... } } Mike: NOOOO!!! } } Mike lunges at the Oracle, attempting to bite him several times, and } yelling "Chuck _this_!" } } Oracle: Oh, hell. *ZOT* } } Oracle returns to headquarters, and calls the priest over. } } Oracle: Take a message and send it to the supplicant. Begin. Answer to } your query unavailable. Please do not ask again. Paragraph. You owe } the Oracle a talking woodchuck that He can give to the town of } Manassas. End message. } } Priest shuffles back to his terminal. Oracle resumes eating grapes. --- 483-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > "Orrie!" > > "Yes Lisa?" > > "The mail is here!" > > "Give it to the accountants so they can balance the supplicants' > accounts." > > "No, wait, here's a package that isn't paying off an account. It's a > gift." > > "A gift! For me?" > > "It's for both of us, Orrie. I'll open it." > > [Lisa sits down on the couch and begins unwrapping the large box. > After unwrapping layers of tissue paper, she uncovers a large egg. The > egg cracks open, and Dan Quayle looks up with his big brown eyes and > says: ] > > "Mama!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: "Damn! ANOTHER one? That's the third bad egg this week..." } } Lisa: "Now calm down, Orrie... look, there's a note inside..." } } "Deare Mistere Oraclee: } I regrett thatt aye amm unnablee to tayke caree of myy littel } eggg. I knoww you can givee him a good hom, warrm foode, and a } chanse at tha Presedenssy. } --- Love and respectte, } Thee Reublicann Partyyye" } } Oracle: "Geesh! WHY do they always send them to ME... WHY do *I* get } all the pity cases?" } } Lisa: [tickling lil' Dan under the chin] "gootchie goo! gootchie goo! } Aw, look, Orrie... he's so cute and harmless... can't we keep } him?" } } O: "Now look, Lisa..." } } L: "Pleeease..." } } O: "..but.." } } L: "PLEEEASE..." } } O: "...but...but you know that I'm not good around kids. Look what } happened last time." } } L: [throwing her arms in the air] "Oh, PLEASE! You're not going to } start on that River-thing again, are you?!" } } O: "Yes, I *am* going to start, and that was 'Watergate', by the way." } } L: "Look, I've told you a thousand times, that wasn't your fault. He } probably learned it from one of the kids in Congress, that's all. } You were a *fine* role model for the boy." } } Dan: "goofer..dadder..mama!" } } L: "awww... look at him, Orrie. He wants to be held by his da-da!" } } O: "I am *not* his da-da, er, father! I dunno, Lisa, I just don't } think I'd be a good influence on the boy -- what he needs is some } sort of discipline, maybe go to a private school or join the } National Guard..." } } Dan: [anxiously] "NA!...NA!!..NOOO NA-GA!...NA!...NA!...NOOOOOO! } DA-DA!" [crying] "da-da...no na-ga...da-da..." } } L: "Orrie! You scared him! You know better than to say the G-U-A-R-D } word! Now look what you've done..." } } O: "Sorry, Lese, but that's exactly what I mean. I may know All There } Is To Know, but I'm still lousy with kids -- especially infants." } } L: "Well... I understand some of your fears, but don't worry! You'll } make a great da-da..." } } Dan: "DA-DA!" } } O: "Yes, well, maybe it won't be so bad once he starts school..." } } Dan: [hysterical] "SCHOO!...NO SCHOO!...NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!....NO } SCHOO DA-DA!" } } L: "Hmm... looks like he doesn't want yo go to you-know-where, either. } I guess that's not a big surprise. Well, I suppose we can just } keep him around, maybe he can help you with your job!" } } O: [stunned] "...help...me...HIM?" } } L: "Sure, you know, maybe take out the trash, bring coffee, answer a } few questions now and then..." } } O: "...him...help ME?...him...ANSWER questions?" } } Dan: "POTATOE!" } } L: "Orrie! Did you hear that?! He spoke his first silent e!" } } O: "him...help ME..." } } L: "oh...Orrie...I just know we'll all be so happy together...and } besides, now that he's here in our Sanctum, he's immortal, just } like you and me!" } } O: "him...IMMORTAL!?...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" } } [suddenly the ground quakes, the walls burst into flames, and the } Oracle falls out of bed] } } Lisa: "...huh?...mmmmm...Orrie....it's 3 in the morning...what are you } doing?" } } Oracle: "...hmm...oh, sorry hun...bad nightmare...terrible dream...go } back to sleep..." } } Lisa: "...mmm...'nite Orrie" } } Oracle: "g'night Lisa" } } Lisa: "'nite, son" } } H. Ross: "'nite mama" } } [suddenly the ground quakes...] --- 483-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > What's the worst pun you can think of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } September 25th. It was a quiet day at the office, and my partner } Tran Thursday had just finished talking on the phone. He told me } this looks like the big one, Oracle, when he hung up the phone. It } made sense for him to call me that, since he was talking to me. } My name's Oracle. I carry a badge. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } [Voice: The story you are about to read is true. The names are } unchanged to avoid a copyright infringement suit with that _other_ } show.] } } The call had come in at 6:32 in the evening. Some poor supplicant } wanted to know the worst pun I could think of. The poor guy was } in for a shock. I'm not allowed to be funny. Not when I'm on duty. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } But there was something in his simple, straight-forward, no-grovel, } asking-for-a-*ZOT* manner that made me want to give this guy an } answer. So me and Tran headed down to the garage to get our squad } car and hit the usual places. Unfortunately, some crook had stolen } the car. So Tran and I were forced to take alternate transportation. } As we were riding to our first stop in an address bus, Tran told me } things can only get wierder. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } We arrived at the terminal just outside the Space Bar, a little dive } where interesting bits of information were always turning up. At 7:20 } we talked to the waiter Pascal. This Frenchman had a way with words, } and it was standard procedure to speak with him for variable reasons. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } Pascal gave us two good leads, but there wasn't time to check them } both together. I went to go see Ada, while Tran headed to the } residence of one character who could barely stay on this side of the } law, one Edward MacCallister. This shady businessman also lisps. But } I can't arrest people for their programming habits. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } I arrived at Ada's place at 7:57. She at first appeared to be heading } out for the evening, but the presence of a man with a badge gave her } good reason to call it a night. I asked her about puns. She said } she might know about them, but what did I think about them. Some } people think puns are funny, some don't. Me, I get paid no matter my } opinions, so I don't grep. Not in public anyhow. Then she told me } how manly I looked wearing a badge, and how much more manly I would } look without it or any extraneous clothing. I knew that her } flirtations were a text, but I wasn't going to vi for her attentions. } That made her mad, so she wouldn't talk. My only choice was to take } her in to the workstation. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } We left her place at 11:14 and headed over to pick up Tran. We } arrived at E. Mac's place at 12:03. Finding to front door open, me and } Ada headed inside. What we found was very graphic. Ada screamed and } hit a decimal usually found at concerts and major airports. E. Mac and } Tran were dead, shot through the heart. Tran's gun was still in the } holster. For Tran to be surprised like that meant only one thing: he'd } been shot by someone he knew. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } I quickly ran though the list of characters that had been introduced } thus far. My brain was now functioning, and I cursed myself for } thinking the case was as basic as it first looked. There were so many } clues I didn't C. I recursed myself and then took Ada with me back } to the Space Bar. It was empty except for Pascal. He remarked what } a slow evening it had been; he hadn't been tipped much. Lucky for } him, his other job pays well, I told him. He acted suprised, and } maybe he was. All the clues had just come together seconds ago. I } told him this all worked to well, like someone's evil .plan. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } The two leads Pascal had given forced me and Tran to split up, since } our car was stolen earlier today. While Ada flirted with me, Pascal } followed Tran and shot him and E. Mac. Pascal returned here well } before he knew Ada would let me go. I had been following the } group Ada and Pascal started, the Foundation to Terminate Punning. } My major stumlbing block in tracking them down was that FTP operatives } could work anonymously. So when they heard the call come in, wanting } a pun, they figured offing me and Tran would make us a lesson to } punners everywhere. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } Pascal assured me this was all very clever, but now the time had come } for him to kill me. I told him it would be a waste of a good bullet, } because the cops were already here. And they were. Pascal and Ada } looked around in surprise. They had known the riscs, but they didn't } know the modem of my work. I stopped talking in this monotone long } enough to phone over to the station to request back-ups. And they } were here. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } As Ada was being led away, she turned to me and called me a disc. I } told her to save her breath. The labor would be very hard where she's } going. She glared and me and asked if I was making a joke. I smiled } and didn't tell her. She would have known I can't joke on duty. She } would have known, that is, if she had read the prolog. } } (DUM DE DUM DUM) } } You owe the Oracle a squad car, a new partner, and a question that } doesn't deal with puns. --- 483-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please favor this lowly earthworm ear mite with an > an answer to a question which troubles my miniscule cerebral node: > > If the Oracle (most wise and benevolent) exists solely on the Usenet > (may its name be praised for it is an instrument of the Oracle), > in the absence of the Usenet, would the Oracle (all powerful and > mighty) cease to be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered your question with the infinitesimal fraction } of His brain which was required. (Nice obsequiousness, by the way.) } } First, let Me clear up a point of confusion that seems to have clouded } your question: The Oracle (Most Holy Me) *does not* exist solely on the } Usenet. The Oracle is Omnipresent, a lovely word beginning with "O", } also the first letter in My name. Omnipresence is the trait of existing } simultaneously at all points in space. So although you may witness the } terrestrial manifestation of My divine self through this insignificant } electronic medium solely, that does not mean it is My sole soapbox upon } which to stand. } } Having gotten that out of the way, let Me consider your question more } thoroughly. Yes...yes, as I thought. The Reality simulator backs up My } claim, also. } } In the absence of the Usenet, the Oracle would not cease to be. You, } however, and all the other supplicants who persist in pestering Me with } incessant questions about Wood and Chuck (two mafia thugs I'm } considering renting contracts with), would. } } Hmmm.... } } What an entertaining notion. If I use my Omnipotence (another lovely } "O" word...there is also "Omniorgasm", something Lisa has just recently } managed to perfect), I can manifest a switch right about...there. } } If I pull this switch, the Usenet (and all the supplicants who are the } bane of My existence--you think it's easy being Omniscient? You try it } sometime) will cease to be. You know, I think I *will* pull this } switch. In five seconds, puny mortals, you and your kind will have } never existed! I will have wiped your scourge from the electronic } highways! HA HA HA HA!!! } } <5> } } <4> } } <3> } } Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle <2> an eternity's supply of Hostess' } new Chocolicious <1> snack, a treat which no deity should ever be } without. Lisa, come watch <***Commencing Destruction of Usenet***> } this! I'm getting rid of those supplicants once and f