From oracle-request Sun Aug 16 12:43:59 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12676; Sun, 16 Aug 1992 12:10:23 -0500 Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 12:10:23 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #470 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 470 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #470 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 12:10:23 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 470 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 470-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, > How can the existence of God be reconciled with the overwhelming > presence of evil in many parts of the world? As God was the first > thing ever, and created everything, what was he/she thinking of when > evil was created? Or is evil really just a creation of man? > > You owe the supplicant a plausible response. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't owe the supplicant squat. Attitude check, dude. } } There are several theories for the existence of evil. Some are: } } It was all an accident. God was attempting his finest act of creation, } namely Elvis, when he let a cosmic fart and mixed up the letters. } Hence, evil was born. The Anti-Elvis. } } It's part of the plan. God, in His wisdom, has provided the Earth with } Evil that we may be tested and tempered before we are admitted to } Heaven, for if we had nothing to resist, how would we know? } } There is nothing good or evil but thinking makes it so. There is no } evil in the world, only opportunities to learn and move on to the next } life. } } My Aunt Sylvia. She was making some of those god-awful brownies, and } they leapt from the pan and starting breeding in the dark places. } } Choose your favorite. They all sound equally plausible to me. --- 470-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, O Wise Oracle, are you so underworked this summer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very simple question to answer, my dear Supplicant. During the } summer, most undergraduate students shed, molt, leave there campus } nests, and fly south; in short, they temporarily regain their sanity. } Unfortunately, they have become accustomed to a steady diet of beer and } professor leavings, and thus must return to their natural habitat, the } college dorm. As undergraduates are by definition clueless, they are } the greatest contributors to my workload. Only the perpetual seniors } taking summer classes and the truly hopeless (the ones who sit in front } of computer terminals all day to avoid getting a tan or doing yardwork) } remain. } } Graduate students, who have voluntarily decided upon several additional } years of indentured servitude, have obviously gone irreversibily insane } and thus remain glued to their terminals during the hot summer winter } months. It is mostly their continuous dribble of "Why won't my advisor } leave me alone", "My experiment failed completely and I have to defend } my thesis tomorrow, what do I do", and the ever popular "I am a lab } t.a. and my students have burned down my house, should I reduce the } curve of the class" that keep me busy during the winter. } } Full time employees, having to set a good example for all of the summer } hires, use the internet "only for research and educational purposes", } and are thus very boring automatons during the summer. In the fall, } after all of the summer hires have left, they can start up their netrek } server, play xtank all day, and mail me all sorts of questions about } life, love, and the future. But until the summer hires leave, it's } major dullsville. } } But the greatest and most important reason why I have such a light and } relaxing workload during the summer is because ever since she saw the } Robin Givens giving Eddie Murphy his "just desserts", Lisa has been } playing a little game called "Dominatrix", and she has been punishing } me by erasing my entire inbox whenever I've been bad. } } I seem to accidentally spill honey or whipped cream on Lisa about 3600 } times a day. } } You owe The Oracle a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup, a leather whip, } and a ping-pong paddle. --- 470-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Oracle note the falling of a sparrow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If one accepts that I am omniscient (and indeed, why would you bother } to ask questions of me if you thought not this was so?), and one } applies the modicum of brainpower that even a slug possesses for a } moment, then one would realize that the answer to your remarkably } ungrovelled question is "Yes, of course the Oracle does." } } The Oracle notes the falling of a sparrow, the swooping of the hawk, } the pooping of the dog, the bungee-jumping of the foolhardy brave. The } Oracle notes the passing of Presidents, the Polyps of Popes. The } Oracle notes the visions of Venusians, the misspellings of VPs, and } every drumstick used by Neil Peart. } } The Oracle has also noted that little "adventure" you had last week } with the bonemeal, the waterhose, the stockings, and your cousin. The } Oracle has sent photos to your spouse. } } You can thank me later. --- 470-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who knows so much yet belches so little, > please answer this unworthy supplicant's plea: > > What is the three-dimensional equation for my girlfriend's > curves? And how does it compare to Lisa's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah little one, thou art truly confused. But the Oracle is patient, } and understands your limited perceptions. The general form of the } girlfriend equation is, of course, four-dimensional, consisting of the } components 'love', 'beauty', 'truth', and 'shake-that-thang!' Surely } thou wouldst not be so crass as to consider only one of the dimensions? } } Direction cosines can be calculated in each direction, yielding a } complete description of the girlfriend in question. Note also that } these cosines are time-varying. For instance, upon first-contact with } a prospective girlfriend, the beauty and shake-that-thang! cosines are } typically quite large in magnitude compared to the love or truth } cosines. As the relationship matures, the love cosine may grow or } shrink depending on a number of factors, but it is usually heavily } correlated in the truth direction. } } The time history of a typical girlfriend equation is shown in Figure } 1. } } Figure 1 - Typical Girlfriend Equation } } *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #1 *** } *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #2 *** } *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #3, this } message will not be repeated *** } } *** FATAL ERROR: unable to produce plot *** } } As for your girlfriend, I suggest you derive the cosines yourself and } plot the resulting equation on ordinary 5-D log-log decitrix paper } (You can use 4-D paper if you only need a time-slice analysis of the } equation.) } } And stay away from Lisa, she's mine! } } You owe the Oracle a new mechanical pencil and a French curve. --- 470-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who the hell was Fibonacci? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fibonacci was a mathematician, long before you were born. } } You may have heard of him because of his famous number series } which he claimed appeared often in nature. The sequence, which begins } 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34... he claimed had special properties. } } For example, he claimed that if you started with a pair of } rabbits, and every pair of rabbits had a pair of rabbits every month, } beginning with the second month of their lives, the number of pairs of } rabbits would be his sequence. For this he was much acclaimed. } } What researchers soon discovered is that this was not the case } due to two factors: mutation and death. Very few bunnies after the } second or third generation of incestuous inbreeding were fertile, or } even recognizable for that matter. And the first pairs began dying off } soon after experiments began, probably from having so many baby } rabbits. As a result, the rabbit sequence is more like: } } 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 6, 4, 1, 1, 0 } } Clearly, Fibonacci did not know what he was talking about. } } You owe the Oracle a 50 lb. bag of Purina Rabbit Chow. --- 470-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Above me, the sky is an ominous gray. The patch of it that I see is > framed by the forest tops. There is a rustling sound, and the > branches wave wildly, sixty feet above me, although there is no wind > here on the ground. A chill runs down my spine; the dog whimpers. > > Suddenly the sky lights up, and soon there is a crash of thunder: > God is bowling. > > O Oracle, who never rolls a gutter ball, please deign to tell me, > > Who won? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I did. } } The oracle has spoken. --- 470-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose brain is so great that you can remember > the PIN codes for all your credit cards, please tell me: > > How can I achieve the same capability? Why is it required that a > man remember 5 or 6 different stupid 4-digit codes? How indeed can > he do that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, being both omnicient and omnipotent, hardly gave a } second thought to remembering these numbers until recently: } } OBM: Please enter P.I.N. number, followed by O.K. } ORACLE: 7-1-5-6-7-OK } OBM: Incorrect. Press Cancel to abort, or reenter P.I.N. } ORACLE: "Oh bloody hell; wrong number." 5-6-6-2-6-OK } OBM: Incorrect. Press Cancel to abort, or reenter P.I.N. } ORACLE: "(Sigh)" 3-7-7-5-OK } OBM: Incorrect. Contact your local branch. Card held. } ORACLE: "Going to play rough, eh?" 7-3-7-7-6-4-7-2-6 } OBM: Reprogram mode. Please enter code for universal access. } ORACLE: 1-2-3-4-5-OK } OBM: Entry approved. } ORACLE: Withdraw-OK } OBM: From whose account? } ORACLE: P-E-R-O-T-R-O-S-S-OK } OBM: How much? } ORACLE: 2-0-.-0-0-OK } OBM: Transaction approved. Memory wipe initiated. Transaction record } deleted. } Have a nice day. } } I suggest that if you do not have access to the widely used } reprogram feature on your bank machines, you should invest in a memory } course from the back of Rolling Stone magazine. } } You owe the Oracle a Susan B. Anthony dollar. --- 470-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > Great Oracle, tell me what size nipple ring I should get? Is 12ga. too > large? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, you groovy, grovel-less supplicant. Your } question has been selected as one of an elite few that will be } answered by none other than Judith Martin herself... Miss } Manners! (Insert polite clapping from a well-to-do, snooty, } upscale studio audience somewhere in Massachusetts.) } } Oracle: Now, Judith. . . } } Miss Manners: (ahem-ing in an irritated fashion) Judith? Oh } dear. I don't believe we know one another QUITE that well, now } do we? Let's keep this more impersonal, shall we, *Mister* } Oracle? } } Oracle: Fine Judy. I mean Manners. Miss..., that is, Ms. } Martin. Whatever. It's just great of you to come on down to our } little priesthood and help out the fun guys and gals who try to } put a little zest into their meaningless lives by playing with } the Usenet Oracle. Sure, we know they're a bunch of nose-picking } swabs without much of a (heh-heh) *raison d'etre* you might say, } but hell! (Shrugs) We're just a zany group! What can I say? } } Miss Manners: As little as possible, I hope. May I have the } first question, please? } } Oracle: Sure thing, Judy-Judy-Judy. The first question comes } from a dumb f-ck in California who's feeling a little out of the } single's scene. From what I can tell, he's a real loser with a } horn growing out of his forehead from not enough sex, and he sits } around late at night playing with the Oracle when he can't find } any good threads on alt.sex.bondage. His name is Mewler P. } Toadsucker, and he asks: "Great Oracle, tell me, what size } nipple ring should I get? Is 12ga. too large?" (The audience } gasps. Miss Manners looks dismayed. She struggles gamely to } regain her composure.) So whatcha think, Jude-a-roonie? *IS* } 12ga. too large? Comment? Suggestion? } } (An uncomfortable silence ensues. Finally Miss Manners clears } her throat, develops a determined set to her finely-chiseled jaw, } and responds) } } Miss Manners: Well. That certainly beats anything I've received } in MY mailbag lately! But manners are manners, and correct is } correct. There is only one right way to handle almost ANY } situation, and nipple rings are certainly no exception. I say } that unless you're Coco Chanel you can't get away with mixing } silver and gold, so make certain that your cock rings, your labia } piercings, and any other assorted piercings that you may } sport--say, for instance, a fashionable Prince Albert pierce at t } the head of your uncircumcised penis, or a big, honkin' clitoral } pierce with matching side rings on the labial lips--match one } another. Some fine Southern families have been known to pass on } monogrammed rings for generations; a sort of mother-to-daughter } gift that is never quite forgotten. Nipple rings (not unlike } napkin rings), are meant to be viewed and are decorative rather } than functional. Oh, sure, you can certainly hang objects from } them, and many individuals find that the thrill of a delayed } orgasm is heightened by tugging on the rings just at the moment } when, shall we say, les bonnes temps roulets!, but mostly they } are there for shock value, so make them large. Make them nasty } large. Hell, make those mothers stand up and salute the... } } (As Miss Manners gets into her monologue, she begins to lean } forward and salivate. The Oracle signals the manager to cut to a } commercial as the horrified audience gasps and shrieks in terror. } Organ music fade in!) } } Oracle: Oh Judy, you vixen, I knew you had it in you! That's } all for now, folks. Stay tuned for Meet The Priest, where } members of the Oracular Priesthood step forward and get pelted } with smelly sewage froan entire audience of sore losers. This is } the Usenet Oracle saying good night, and may all your piercings } be uninfected! } } (Applause, from one lone cameraman left in the studio.) } } You owe the Oracle a Taste of Latex. --- 470-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Howard Viles The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, > How can I raise myself from these depths of misery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant } } Your current misery is without substance or due cause. The petty } problems which you believe now overwhelm you are as grains of sand } beside the massive crumbling boulder of your future. If you had } the benefit of foresight, as I do, you would have a better perspective } on just how good your life is at the moment, and you would have cause } to rejoice and be merry, whilst you are still capable. For as miserable } as things may seem now, they are positively uplifting given the } predicaments and pitfalls with which you are soon to encounter. } } Relax in the boredom, disillusionment and lack of advancement } opportunities of your current workplace, secure in the knowledge } that your remaining time there is short. The mishap sparked by your } experimenting with illegal substances in the weeks to come, } culminating in the office fire which ultimately destroys the } quarter-million dollar computer system so recently installed, and } in the process vaporising all company records, gives your } employers the excuse for which they have been searching to boot } your butt straight into the unemployment office. } } Unable to find another job, with your professional reputation } in tatters, you are forced to sell your house and move down town, } into a seedy block of apartments nestled between a run down low } class brothel and an even more run down, even lower class porno } cinema, on a street holding records for the greatest number of } unidentified corpses found in a one hour period with mutilated or } missing body parts (23), and the highest number of unregistered } weapons discovered in a police raid of any building (5,391). Your } neighbour is a 6'5" 320 lb nightclub bouncer who, when not } knocking off his screaming girlfriend against the paper-thin } adjoining wall, has all night parties inhabited by people who } like to punch holes through walls with bare fists, crush beer cans } against their heads, and do strange things with animals and } various electrical devices. Your apartment is forced into by a } corrupt policeman who finds a kilo of coke under your pillow, } and promptly blackmails you and drains your remaining funds. } } Your sex life, which at the moment is causing you such anguish with } its almost complete non existence, will in future times look } quite inviting, when all females who ever were even tempted to } consider a date with you hear about your new surroundings and avoid } you like the Plague, and the only feminine contact you have is with } the lipstick- and mascara- doused leather clad hooker working the } sidewalk outside the apartment, whose face would inspire Stephen } King horror tales, and whose body would do a Sumo wrestler proud. } You succeed in getting another job, as a janitor with a small } sheet metal working firm, but an accident involving a near sighted } welder and his wavering welding equipment puts an end to that. } Awakening from unconsciousness 17 days later, you discover you } have been effectively rendered terminally impotent, meaning that } even 'Big Martha' on the sidewalk will get no business from you. } Then of course, unable to afford proper hospital cover, your } grievous wound goes septic, and then your life begins to get } _really_ miserable. } } So lighten up, Supplicant, for things could and will be a lot } worse than now. Enjoy it while you can. } } Yours Sincerely } } T.U. Oracle } } {Later, Lisa skims through the mail the Oracle has asked her to send } out. She reads through this letter, mutters something along the lines } of 'cruel tactless bastard' and screws it up in disgust. She hastily } forges another note in the Oracle's handwriting, something along the } lines of ...} } } Dear Supplicant } } Things are never as bad as they seem. Look for the good in your } situation, and remember there are always others far worse off than } you. --- 470-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Annette Funicello ever get better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most likely not. She's had the ears cut off several times, but they } keep growing back.