From oracle-request Tue Jun 2 07:29:58 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 2 Jun 92 07:29:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #451 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 451 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #451 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 2 Jun 92 07:29:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 451 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 451-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He He He, Riddle me this, Oracle: > > Who will be the villians in the next five "Batman" movies? > > The Riddler And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see: } } Batman II: We know it's The Penguin and The Catwoman. And since the } premere is less than a month away, I shan't reveal the } plot. } } Batman III: Dr. Slug. A nutritionist is turned into a psycotic } mutant after being exposed to agricultural-strength } pesticides. He plans to get his revenge on Gotham by } destroying the city's supply of fruits and vegetables and } causing everyone to come down with rickets and scurvy. } } Batman IV: Sean Young. Pissed off at being rejected for the part of } "The Catwoman," Ms. Young takes on the entire city of } Gotham with a flamethrower and other exotic weaponry. } } Batman V: The Sinister Warner Brothers. Two evil movie moguls plan } to stop Michael Keaton (played by Bruce Wayne) from } making another movie by saying that "he looks too wimpy } to play Batman." Director Tim Burton, obviously } suffering from premature senile dementia brought on by } whatever drugs he takes to come up with movies like this, } has Edward Scissorhands make a guest appearance. } } Batman VI: Vicky Vale. In some exciting courtroom action, Vicky } Vale takes on the Dark Knight with a devastating new } weapon: a three million dollar patrimony suit! } } You owe the Oracle a reason for choosing Michelle over Sean (aside } from the fact the former is drop dead gorgeous. Yow!) --- 451-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most awe-inducing Oracle, Who could cause the sun to go nova at > the slightest whim, answer me this: > Why is my Dog purple with neon orange spots? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't know, but it's crawling up your back! } } <...oops, sorry. I was looking at the wrong page of "1001 Funny Jokes } and Riddles for Smart Boys and Girls," which I usually keep on the } shelf right next to my 1911 edition of the Boy Scout's Manual. Hmm...> } } TWO purple people eaters!! } } } } Aha, Supplicant, certainly tell your dog to no longer mate } with the psychodelic hippie reindeer! } } You owe the Oracle a long vacation. Preferably somewhere where there } are no TCP/IP connections.. --- 451-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose wrath is terrible and wisdom > profound, whose armpit I am unworthy to wash. I, your most humble and > worshipful servant do beseech thee to bestow upon me an answer to this > undignified but perplexing question. > > Which is the correct weapon for taking out an office full of mid-level > university bureaucrats; a M-1 Abraham Tank or a low yield nuclear > device? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, what an extraordinary question! I can't think for the life of me } (or for the life of you for that matter) why you would want to do such } a thing. Oh well, I've heard some strange ones in my time but I guess } you mortals have your own preferences. } } To take out an office full of mid-level university bureaucrats, no } weapons are required at all. Try a nice smile, some flowers, } chocolates are always nice, and keep on asking until they agree to go } out with you. Make sure you take a little something with you just in } case the evening turns raunchy, all these viruses and things you know. } } Eeewwww....I think I might be sick now....excuse } me........ much better. } } You owe the Oracle a very large bucket and NO details of the night out. --- 451-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > (insert-grovel) > > "The Oracle's great! He's the talk of the town! Life's always > better when the Oracle's around!! He's better than us! He's a > friend to the end! The Oracle's always popular when he's got > money to lend!!" > > (insert-question) > > I just sent my dog, puddles, to seeing-eye dog school. He was > doing great, but right near the end of his training, he lead his > manequinn up a plank and into a jet engine, immediately failing his > final exam in "Dangerous Stuff 101." The engine wasn't running, thank > Oracle, and puddles is still with us. Should I keep sending puddles to > seeing-eye dog school and hope he gets clued in to the "Red Fog" > connection, or should I enroll him in University of Massachusetts > Computer Science Program instead? > > - Concerned.. > > P.S. He's already passed his qualifiers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I would suggest having your dog run for public office. Hell, } he's obviously smarter than Quayle. Should that fail, then he could } always hire out as a televangelist. (You'd just better hope no one } gets those pictures of him making it with Fluffy in the back yard.) } Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle the price of that doggie in the window. --- 451-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mosquito raped a chicken in the blueberry patch... > Seven days later the chiquitos hatched. > Grew up fast -- grew up mean > Tore a big hole in the window screen! > > Sucked all the juice from a raspberry pie... > Caught up with the beagle and they left him dry > Drank a few pints from me and my mother, > then they flew away with my little brother! > > What's that noise comin' out of the blue > Like a squadron of B-52s? > Flock of chiquitos and they're flyin' low... > Death and destruction wherever they go! > > Grab the kids and hide all the pets... > Get out the guns and the chiquito nets! > Board up the windows and sandbag the door, > Gotta get ready, get ready for war! > > Nosin' for chiquitos on a hot summer night, > Cruisin the bush groves and shinin' the light > Wait till they land -- I shoot my gun. > I don't need the meat; I just hunt for fun! > > Bagged me a trophy just last week: > Five foot wingspan and a six foot beak! > Shot that sucker in self-defense--- > He was chewin' a hole through my chain link fence! > > Two chiquitos knocked me down, > I played dead and I lay on the ground. > Ran for the house when I heard one say, > "Should we eat him here? Or fly him away?" > > Chewed through the roof way up by the peak. > I grabbed a hammer and I bent in their beaks. > They lifted the roof, and they flew it away--- > I found my shingles in Shelter Bay > > What's that noise comin' out of the blue > Like a squadron of B-52s? > Flock of chiquitos and they're flyin' low... > Death and destruction wherever they go! > > Grab the kids and hide all the pets... > Get out the guns and the chiquito nets! > Board up the windows and sandbag the door, > Gotta get ready, get ready for war! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, no grovel. But I'll let you off because there was no question. --- 451-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vast oracle so great! Would you mind telling this mere mortal: > > What do you do with all of the payments that we mortals send you? > > Please find enclosed: > 1 rotary dial phone > 1 salad shooter > 144 mismatched socks > 1 6.32135 gallon container of extra-virgin olive oil > 1 duck And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here, let me show you what I do with all of the things that I get in } the mail. (Supplicant is magically transported in a white puff of smoke } into a gigantic warehouse, in which the ceiling reaches beyond a } human's eyesight.) } } What I do is take all the items that I receive and put them into one of } these three bins. The first holds all of the things that I find } remotely useful. (Human sees three bins. The first is a medium-sized } golden chest, with a sign in embroidered silver on the side labeled } "CASH / CHEQUES / GOLD INGOTS/ 2 Gigabit SRAMS ". Human hits head with } a 'damn, I *knew* I forgot something) } } The second is where I dump most everything else. It's amazing how much } cruft people send me. I have this sneaking suspicion that people just } comb through their attics and mail me crap that's been gathering dust } for 20 years, or trash that they would have had to drag to the County } Dump otherwise. I've been meaning to punish people who send me trash } and try to call it a "valuable gift". But I never seem to remember, } unless it prevents from getting some at night. (Human turns to a very } large dumpster, covered in moss and stains, overflowing with } bric-a-brac. A giant bundle of mismatched socks, a phone, some kitchen } utensil, and an un-identifiable water fowl fall from the sky into the } dumpster as an obviously nervous Human turns away.) } } The third bin is for things that I think a close, er, friend of mine } might like. (Human sees a small toy chest, labeled "TOYS for BEDROOM" } with BEDROOM crossed out and LISA'S PLAYROOM written in underneath in } crayon. Human is greatly relieved to see a barrel fall from sky into } chest.) } } Well, I hope that clears up that question for you, mortal, lemme send } you back. (Human smiles and bows with his head down to The Oracle. } Supplicant then begins to lick The Oracle's boots, but hears a woman } screaming in the background.) "But we just used olive oil last week! } Get this garbage out of here! " } } (Supplicant disappears in a thunderous ) } } You don't owe The Oracle anything, except to stop making such a nasty } mess on the carpet with your ashes. --- 451-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blowvalves? Blowvalves?!? What's all this talk about > blowvalves?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to "What's all this talk about blowvalves??" Here's you host, } the Usenet Oracle! } } [applause] } } O: Hello audience. On today's show, we'll have Crispin Glover do a } performance piece on how he feels about blowvalves, Paula Abdul singing } her new hit dance single about blowvalves, and Douglas Adams talking } about his new book, "Blowvalve Mutants of East Essex", a new book in } the Hitchhiker's series. Ladies and gentlemen, Crispin Glover! } } C: I saw a lovely blowvalve. It was round and wide. I tried to step } over it, but I could not. A blonde came by, and she nimbly hurdled } over the blowvalve. I could not. I was stuck, and could not get to } the dentist without crossing the blowvalve. I began to think. I } suddenly remembered a rainy day when I was in the 3rd grade. The } teacher was lecturing us on blowvalves. I started squashing my hands } up against my eyelids, and saw all sorts of pretty colors. I really } wish I had paid attention to my teacher back then. Maybe I'd be able } to cross the blowvalve. But I hadn't. So I turned away from the } blowvalve and went back home. My tooth fell out, and I put it in a } jar. } } O: Thank you Crispin! That was unintelligible as usual. Now, sexy, } dippy pop star Paula Abdul will sing her new song, "Forever your } Blowvalve". } } [music starts] } } P: Ooh baby baby } I love you so } That's why } I'm forever your blowvalve } } Grease me up } Tie me down } Stuff your... } } O: Oops, the censors say we can't keep showing this number. Thank you } anyway, Paula. Anyway, Douglas Adams was overcome during that last } number, and is in the bathroom with the producer taking care of things, } so to speak. I'm afraid that brings us to the end of our show for } today. Tune in next week when we have Pope John Paul II, the late Sam } Kinnison, and Stephen Jay Gould giving their impressions of blowvalves. } Ciao! } } [applause] --- 451-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle whose knolwedge of computer architecture is beyond that > of all of Microsoft, Cray, and Donald Knuth put together; who can > commune with any machine and tell it exactly what to do, even in COBOL > if need be; who could, in the blink of an eye, do the programming > assignment that was due last week which caused people to pull three > all-nighters.... > > How come C on the RS/6000 never gives an error message more informative > than "Segmentation fault - core dumped." > And what can I do with the core once it's been dumped? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is that the core on the RX/6000 is desperately lonely and } has a habit of getting into relationships that aren't appropriate. The } core will find some nice memory with which it gets along, dates for a } while, and perhaps even (if they are intimate) toggle a bit or two, but } eventually, out of lack of self-esteem and trust, cross a page boundary } best left untouched. The memory, in a fit of righteous rage, dumps the } core for a more stable processor. } } The core goes home after that and, in a fit of anger, kicks the C } compiler. } } As to what you can do...well, just be there for your core, let it know } you care about it, but don't try to preach or help it heal its } relationships, or it will never learn. --- 451-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fornicating Oracle of facetious flaucinoccinihilipilification, > > This old man, he played one, > He played knick-knack on a drum, > With a knick-knack paddy-whack, > Give a dog a bone, > This old man went rolling home. > > This old man, he played two, > He played knick-knack on his shoe, > With a.... (etc) > > What is this children's song about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The song is obviously a sick and lurid tale of a twisted, dirty old } pervert of a man. Just look: } } > This old man, he played one, } > He played knick-knack on a drum, } } First of all, masturbation. With percussion instruments, no less. } } > With a knick-knack paddy-whack, } > Give a dog a bone, } } Bestiality! Such depravity amazes even me. } } > This old man went rolling home. } } Not only is he a pervert, he's obese. } } > This old man, he played two, } > He played knick-knack on his shoe, } } Here it's apparent that the old codger has a shoe fetish. This is the } kind of lewd and tasteless literature that brought about book-burning. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Tom_Jones_. --- 451-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and Mysterious Oracle (The M&M Oracle as we like to call you)! > Please answer this lowly supplicant and releive him of his ignorance. > Is there life after death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations! You are the 10 billionth sentient being to ask that } question! You win a coffee maker, this lovely crystal vase, a set of } NeverBlunt steak knives, and an all-expenses-paid trip to the } Bahamas. } } (Actually, I oft wonder why mortals bother themselves with this: } either there is, so you can die secure in the knowledge of your } continuing consciousness, or there isn't, meaning that you aren't } going to feel a thing once you're dead.) } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the Bahamas, a set of steak knives, a } coffee maker, and a crystal vase, plus postage and handling costs. } } ** THE ORACLE: OVER 10 BILLION LIFE-AFTER-DEATH QUESTIONS ANSWERED **